Should i be concern ?

C

confuse_

New Member
Hi , need some advise pls.

Me and my SO are both in our twenties (i am older then him) and have been together for more then over a year.
He is a great guy and all although he is a little short tempered.

We have always been a physical couple as in we will punch each other lighty, mess ard and stuff but nothing violent.

So last night he started poking me with his feet and i retaliate but i accidentally hurt him in the process. The moment he told me to stop i did. The next thing i know, he gave me a hard kick on my thigh and frankly i was shock + upset.

After telling him off, i went to bed and he did came after me and keep apologizing and that he did not mean it.

As of now i am still ignoring him as i do not know how should i handle this. I am not sure whether i am still shock or what as i no longer feel angry or hurt. Just detach and confuse.

Does this count as physical abuse or i should just let it go and move on ?

The main reason why i am so concern is that he came from a violent family background and his father used to abuse them physically. He vow nv to be like his father but i am still worried as he flares up easily.

Thanks in advance.
 


u should look beyond this incident for your assessment of him. As you mentioned, he flares up easily. There would be ample opportunity to observe how he cope with his emotions.

A short fused person probably will not suddenly become slow and patient. Rather, its how he learns to cope with his emotions. I have a short fuse myself. But have learn to filter many things that isn't important to me. It has helped reduce the need to get angry many times. My wife too, and I'm helping her learn to cope with her anger as well.

Don't be his punching bag.
 
Hi Milo

Can you share some tips on how to cope with anger ?
Usually when he gets upset he will shut me out / hang up the phone. His reason is that he does not want to quarrel with me. If I insist to talk things out he will get even more angry.
I m always a firm believer of "if it happens once it will happen again".
I m not sure as whether he will kick or hit me again in future ? Also I would like to know if this above incident is consider physical abuse ?
 
I wouldn't call it "Physical abuse" if it was an angry reaction to your poking.. his intention was one of anger and frustration to your repeated "poking" rather than to cause bodily harm.

But anyway, since he can't handle anger well - might not be too good to "play physical".

And also, why so important to know if it is physical abuse?
 
"Usually when he gets upset he will shut me out / hang up the phone."

I hate these, as well as walking away and disappearing on the streets. Need time alone to cool down is perfectly ok but can tell the other party first. You are not the only one who is angry or upset in an argument.
 
hi confused, for one, moving away from the thing that is triggering the anger is the appropriate thing to do. Perhaps he could have just done it in a much more intelligent and polite manner. Instead of hanging up, he could have just tell u he is in no mood to talk. And if you continue to probe, you are just as tactless as he is. Respect each other need for space.

We all need space to wind down, relax and collect our thoughts. The more you try to stop it, the more the steam will accumulate till its too much to cope with. You are focused on your firm belief. But, you didn't acknowledge that you could have also handled it better. In a way, you contributed in the escalation and then pinalize him for his outburst.

There is no right or wrong. Everyone will feel they are right at the moment of conflict. It is only when we take steps back to rethink and calm down, can we start to see from other perspectives. Always help in the reflection if you want to help someone with his anger management.
 
It's important to me because his father was abusive to them in the past and I am afraid he will be the same even though he say he will Nv.

Maybe I am reading too much into this incident but he is the one who started this "poking" and I stop immediately when he voice out his pain.

Usually even when we are messing ard he will Nv intentionally hurt me like this instance a hard kick when I have already stopped.

Like u mention, he reacted out of anger, I am afraid that he might kick/ hit me again when he gets angry again in future ?

So do you feel that it is a small matter and I should just like it go ?
 
My wife snaps at me pretty often. And I would feedback it directly to her. She could have handled it better. Recognize that no one is nicer being angry, we will all over-react and respond more negatively. So, see beyond the bad behaviors and give each other some benefit of the doubt. You can pin-point the bad behavior but never make it all the other party's fault in every dispute.

Its not a matter on how big or small. The only way we can progress is through effective feedback. This means, you give the right feedback and he being receptive. And its a 2 way interaction. So, think how can you achieve that. If you have already come to the conclusion that he cannot be reasoned with, then you really need to think why are you still with him for. Don't just sweep things under the carpet. Take baby steps together and you guys will learn how to handle your conflicts better over time with experience.
 
For this incident, I don't think you should make a big thing out of it.

However, you can have a frank talk with him.. that you are hurt by his actions.

Don't always use his father to judge him - unless he has physically abuse you.
 
Hi doll

You're right! He has walked out on me several times even though i've talked to him about it. I get even more upset when he walk away and leave me alone in public area. Even when I call him he will still refuse to come back and meet me.

Hi Milo

I do admit that I am at fault when I insist on talking things out at times. one of the main reason I posted this here and not other more female based forum as most of them will just stand on my side but what I need is a 3rd party point of view and there is a gd mix of both genders here. I m suppose to meet him today and would like to have a talk over this but I m afraid he will react negetively towards me.
 
hi confuse,
my dad hit my mum. And he beat us too when we were young.

I threw things, yelled at my parents in public, slammed on doors, banged my head on the wall, punched my fist on the wall till its all bruised. Drove dangerously on the road when angry. At 21, I punched my dad and kicked him out of the house.

I did all those. But, I also the same son that my mum only listens to now. That my wife often run to me for help to manage her own mother.

People do change. I learn to cope with my anger. One needs to understand what causes anger and the conflict to know how to stop it from escalating. I'm still a very impatient and reactive person. This is instictive, I cannot change that. But, I just learn to cope with my conflicts better.

Seek to understand why people behave the way they do instead of judging them. I do that a lot, in this forum as well. Some people take them with a pinch of salt and reflect on it. While others take it as criticism and just respond defensive and blind to their issues. We can only learn when we seek to see beyond our own pov.
 
Like SM mention, I m hurt by his action but no longer angry at him. Guess wad I m seeking now is advise on how to approach him and talk to him on this subject. He would definitely like me to pretend nothing has happen but I would not like to sweep it under the carpet. On the hand, 90% he will react negetively and probably walk out on me again.

I believe that we each have his/her own flaws which I hope we can work together and overcome instead of breaking up when things do not go right.
 
it takes 2 to tango. If his pride is too big for him to handle, there is nothing you can really do. Know your limits and rights. Never allow things to go beyond.

Give feedback in loving and assuring manners. Don't expect immediate responds from him. Allow time for him to reflect upon.
 
You have to pick a good time.. or even talk about other things and indirectly move to this topic.

A lot of people don't like to discuss about "angry actions" on their part - they will say it is past and over - nothing to discuss..
 
An email might be a good way. Frankly, if couples are unable to about about their issues, it is a clear barrier to your communication in the relationship.

SMS is better for short msg.
 
Confuse, SM's posts at 11.55am and 12.16pm make a lot of sense. I would do exactly that if I were you. But of course I am not you, so I have another way to deal with this.
 
I wouldnt call this incident physical abuse. If u have the "violent family background" thought at the back of your head, it will only lead you to label him with that. It will influence your judgement of him. Put the 2 aside and look at each incident by itself.

Sometimes guys do not know how to control their strength. They think that it is a soft punch or poke but to us, it feels like a hundred tons.

But it may be physical abuse when one partner starts hurting another physically, pouring hot water during fights, etc. You will know when it is physical abuse when it hurts very badly even emotionally
 
Confuse, I will leave this man. It's a personal thing that I am not willing to handle a bad-tempered partner. If I always quarrel or have cold wars with my partner, it will remind me of the unpleasantness of my previous marriage which was full of quarrels, threats, cold wars and disappearance.

You can say that by leaving the guy I am not resolving the issue, but I believe not all things can be resolved. I also believe that I do not need to pair up with anyone I cannot get along well with.

I am in my late 30s, and I just want to spend the rest of my life happily instead of on quarrels, threats, cold wars, tears and disappearance. If a man gives me grief I won't stay. Likewise, if I give him grief I will walk away too, but only after keeping him informed of my decision.
 
can be resolved... but are you willing to. And are you happy or not this way. There is no right or wrong at all. We just need to know what we need to be happy and lead the life we want. Like what Doll pointed out, she knows this is an area she would not want to compromise.
 
I will have a good talk with him - hopefully. As besides this, he Is generally a great guy .. Gets along well with my family and friends ..

Hi sunnyflower, the reason why this is different is because he did pause and think before giving me a hard kick.But u're right, I shld not judge him base on his family background.

Hi doll

I admire ur courage to walk out of a relationship but for me to leave a guy it would have to be up to the point when I cannot take it, only then will I leave. But usually I m pretty soft hearted, like angry today next day will be fine that kind. Haha .. Guess that's my weakness ?
 
Well, we can't totally disregard family information too. Say if your partner has a brother who keeps borrowing money from loan sharks and stretch his hands out to family members for money, be prepared that your partner will feel obligated to help. Would you be able to tolerate this in the long run?
 
Confuse, I don't believe in suffering because many things do not become better just because we suffer or try to help. Sometimes we are just dealing with a black hole but too stubborn to admit it.
 
"many things do not become better just because we suffer or try to help"

Agree, which is why I always emphasize it takes 2 to tango. Progress is only possible when both parties are willing to learn, feedback and improve. If he is always getting angry over any feedback, frankly he is an egoistic childish boy. He needs to grow up.
 
Its beta to tell him ur concerns like wat milo say via email and c wat he reply. haha.im also soft hearted like u but then my tolerant level is superb. lugi abit is ok as giving is beta than taking. I find tat im so much happier if I keep a open mind.dun judge or condemn and dun place insignificant things into heart but then gotta hv gd communication if he cross beyond ur comfort level.c wat he reply to u be4 u mit up with him to discuss further.if nt u might wan to sms him to mit up to discuss dis issue and c wat he say.
 
"I admire ur courage to walk out of a relationship but for me to leave a guy it would have to be up to the point when I cannot take it, only then will I leave."

Confuse, of course there is no reason to walk out on him if your situation isn't that serious.

"But usually I m pretty soft hearted, like angry today next day will be fine that kind. Haha .. Guess that's my weakness?"

I am seldom angry in the past few years. I can be angry this minute and cool down within minutes (Faster than you leh). Is this being soft-hearted? Well, perhaps, but I won't sweep things under the carpet if they are serious issues. I will find a right time to resolve it. For example, it took my bf and I a few sessions to talk about our different styles in handling conflict or disagreement. Once an understanding is established we go straight into practice.

So, is your weakness being soft-hearted? I don't think so.
 
Well .. I tried to talk about it last night but he just keep aplogising so I guess I'll just have to let it go ? Ha >.<
 
same advise... u gotta look beyond this one off incident. The apology would be pointless if its always repeated in future. If its moving forward in the right direction, then good. But, its moving backwards, then you really need rethink why is that so. Is it his incooperation or something else.
 
doll, tat's a good one, im actually trying to master tat skill too, cool within mins..and also the right manner of communication skills and resolving conflicts even towards strangers.
Last week during the lantern festival, there was a lady who walked up to us and asked us not to play fire crackers at the playground in a agitated manner and everybody were stunned.
I just smiled and say to her, we will properly dispose them after playing and she just walked away..

Just find that alot of conflicts/misundertanding could be resolved with proper communications.
 
Confuse, I think it is not about being soft-hearted, because with the people we love we naturally have a soft spot for them. It's really about being open-minded, and open-hearted with each other. Two-way communication, remember.

Anyway, you will need to find a right time to talk to your bf about how you did not like that hard kick he gave you, and how you think future disagreement can be handled better.
 
It's not that I dun wan to talk to him but he doesn't really like to discuss about it as he feels like it was just an accident ? Actually after reading all your comments i realize that it might but just a small matter afterall but I was probably shock that's why I over analyze this matter.

I will just have to monitor and see if this happens again .. And yes .. We always have a soft spot for ppl we love
happy.gif
 
Agree that the hard kick case could well be an accident.

But how about "You're right! He has walked out on me several times even though i've talked to him about it. I get even more upset when he walk away and leave me alone in public area. Even when I call him he will still refuse to come back and meet me"?

Don't sweep things under the carpet.
 
Hi, confused

I think doll is right, you need to tackle the walkout issue, to me, I cannot tolerate my bf walking out on me in public even after calling out on him, it really show that he is inconsiderate and ill-mannered. Is he going to disappear everytime we have quarrel next time after marriage? Even this hitting is a one-off incident, does it also mean he is unable to control his reaction and strength used when provoked? There may be an unlining problem.
 
Just to update ..

I'm sitting in the dark at my living room typing this while his aslp .. I tried to have a talk with him after he got impatient with me for asking him about his stuff.. I voice out my concern which is mainly the communication breakdown but he felt that I am trying to pick a quarrel with me and I shld not mention about what happen in th past - his walking away , hanging up the phone etc..

Needless to say .. It did not end well as he keeps wanting to end the conversation .. It even Came to point when he even ask me to go look for another guy .. Sigh ?
 
i think that the thing that gels the two of u might just be sex, otherwise there's little depth...

this is gonna end in an abrupt way as much as u might prefer some other ways... i can see the children being physically abused, and i hope they are not gonna be yours. cos when time comes, u will not be able to handle it, and u will be torn between reporting him, and losing him.

many other guys can offer good sex... take the one who isn't likely to give u blueblacks.
 
Typing in the dark? Why do you have to so secretive...are you afraid that he might harm you if he found out that you are writing about him here? You sound like living in fear...he is a stubbon guy that refuse to face up to his own problem...disappearing again...not so good...I got a feeling that if you probe further..he may flare up again and if you don't stop, he may get violent. Please take care.
 
We do type in the dark. In fact, most nights I would type in the dark. But do we have to tell everyone that we type in the dark?

It is a girl-thing to emphasize "this fact".
 
Confuse,

As I said, don't force a conversation. Find a good time.

Did you email me and tell him that we want to talk about the issues? Just tell him

a) You are not finding faults
b) Not asking for apologies
c) Not digging up the past as it is over..
d) Just want to improve communication so that the future can be better. If there are mistakes in the past on either side - to be more aware so that it can be taken-care of.

But if he still refuses to talk.. then you have to make your own evaluation and judgement.
 
Another thing. What so "wrong" about guys walking away in an argument? Even in a public place. So guy should not walk away even if they are angry and feel like strangling their partners?

And girls, they can walk away if they are angry?
 
Ermm .. Yea .. Typing in the dark is a girl thing :P yes .. I think He might be angry if he finds this thread .. Haha .. Actually I just dun wan my family members to find out ? So I didnt on the lights ..

Personally I find that walking away is pretty rude ? I will Nv walk away frm someone so yup ..

Ya .. He did mention that if I ask anymore he will not be able to control himself and flare up .. And the reason for all the walking away is because he doesn't wanna shout at me in public ? Anyway I think he's upset at me and probably gonna ignore me ? Well .. I sort of knew he's gonna react negetively anyway ..
 
Outcast,

the girl-thing is to spell it out...

ie "even as i xxxx, i am tearing..."

not many guys write this way... maybe if we scratch our balls we'll mention our itch, but we won't add the little dramatic lightings...
 
I don't walk away during an argument, but I am not one who will persist in an argument and make things ugly for everyone. I can let the anger simmer and come back to talk about the issue later.

Slamming phone, issuing threats, walking away, and running away from home are not acceptable behaviour to me. Perhaps because I had had an overdose of all these ill behaviours in previous marriage that I just refuse to handle them now.
 
Keke, the more I stay in this forum the more I understand myself as a gal...ok...now I understand...may be next time I will start 'I am writing this while I am in the toilet doing my XXXX'....

Sm

Yes, I think walking away in public leaving your partner alone when you know she is calling out to you is pretty rude, cannot tolerate such behaviour and don't want to live under such uncertainty where I don't know when he will just throw me somewhere and disappear....
 
Actually I did not call out to him .. I call him on his mobile .. Haha ..

At this point of time I sort of just wanna not care bout anything ? Cos i'm kind of tired of everything ?

@powder I dun think it's a sex thing only as we are not very sexually active ? Do u really think he will abuse his kids in future ?

@doll how do u not walk away and still manage to not have an arguement ? U just keep quiet and ignore ur partner ?
 
I duno why you keep reading into this abuse and the fear of it. Frankly, it isn't evident from what you shared. What is evident is the broken communication. You are totally clueless on how to approach your partner to discuss on real life issues that couples have to deal with. It cannot be swept under the carpet.
 


"powder" hor...

dun add "@" in front... it feels like my butt is getting poked from behind...

YES, i avoid pple who can't control their emotions, and worst - physical outbursts resulting from it.

not becos i scared hor... but becos if i retaliate, they may not have offsprings in future... i have scissors kick.
 
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