Salary higher than partner

[icebaby0]

Seriously, whatever arguement there is here. It really depends on 2 parties (the husband and wife). We can say all we want but different couples have their different opinion.

However, have to note that ultimately, there has to be a discussion btw the couples. Cos there ARE some men who don't mind spending their wives money (i.e. there are house husbands around) OR there ARE some men who are more egoistic and aren't happy that the other half is earning more OR there are some men willing to just keep taking money from their spouse but yet, unwilling to make an effort to earn more and yet complain about wife's spending...etc

There are too many examples. And generally, sometimes people also make mistakes on the way they post their msgs online (everyone has their own thinking or their own interpretation)...just dun treat it as if the comments are aimed at u.

Cheers!

 

[sgbabydoll]

When a marriage fails to work, it is not as simple as the wife earns more or having a better lifestyle than the husband.

 

[clark]

Her money is my money, my money is mine money.

 

[miloice]

Alan, u responded in writing "I just basically said the same thing as you. If the husband can "chi ruan fan", ie spend the wife's money, then I feel it is ok. Basically, if the husband is the kind who dun really care about earning powress, money, etc, can be happy living life with his wife and spending his wife's money, then it is ok."

I'm puzzled why you still don't realize the implication here? You seem to think that only men that "chi ruan fan" can and will spend his wife's money. What if the couple sees money earned as a common pool be it earned by wife or husband? As long as they spend within their limits and budget and live a good lifestyle that they enjoy, and you label that as chi ruan fan? As long as its both partners are working hard together as a team for the common goal, what CHI RUN FAN crap are you talking about?

CHI RUN FAN refers to whimps that are lazy in not wanting to make his own living but rather choose to depend on living off women's money. It is unfair to categorize all men that happens to earn less than their wives. Is it the fault of the husband or the wife that the wives have the opportunity to be more successful? AND SO WHAT if a man is earning more than his wife? Does it make him some how different from another that happens to have a wife that is more successful?

No one can foretell the future. What if your wife one day earn more than you. Then, you will automatically becomes "CHI RUN FAN"? Come on. CLEARLY, you can see the flaw of this logic right?

Next, u wrote : "I just stated the conditions which I think it is POSSIBLE for the marriage to last when the wife earns MUCH MORE than the husband."
Yah.... condition is man must CHI RUN FAN. right?

Pardon me, but this reasoning is pretty idiotic. "CHI RUN FAN" relationships don't last because sooner or later the woman would feel abused and unappreciated. Resentments would build up and soon realizing how lazy he is.

For me, the most important CONDITION is that the guy must have enough self-esteem not place his self worth and pride on how much he is making in comparison to his wife.

 

[chip]

I think you guys don't understand that we live in a diverse world. There are all kinds of people here. The whole world is a gray area. There's no right or wrong to anything, just a matter of perception.

One man's meat is another man's poison. Some men have big ego, some don't. Some feel happy over small things, while some requires a big effort to make them happy. Who's right and who's wrong?

Having soo many different type of people in this world is what makes this world so interesting. So if you have a problem with 'chi run fan', then so be it. Nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you find yourself a partner who doesn't make you 'chi run fan'. Alternatively, strive to always improve yourself so that your earning power won't put you in a situation where you have to 'chi run fan'.

As for gals, if you don't like guys who 'chi run fan', then look for one who has a good potential and good earning power. If you happen to fall for a guy who has a low earning power, resulting him being in a position of 'chi run fan', then you have to decide and choose. Whether you want to lower your own earning power or to help your guy to earn more or to work something else out with your partner.

I just don't agree with the point that those men with big ego or refuse to 'chi run fan' are men with low esteem. True, some people will hide their low esteem by having high ego. BUT its not ALL men. There's no 100% in this world. There're always exceptions.

What we can deduce from surveys, statistics, opinions are that MOST people are like 'this' or belongs to this group, etc. End of the day, it depends on the specific 'target' that you have in mind. 99.9% of men may not mind their gf/wife earning more, but if you happen to fall for someone in the 0.01% group, then too bad...you'll have to deal with someone who has a problem with this earning power issue.

There're always black sheeps among the white and white sheeps among the black. Don't try to see a black sheep as white or force the sheep to become white. Accept the sheep as it is, black or white.

 

[clark]

Well said !

Accept diversity.

 

[passerby30]

milo,

u r being too sensitive. I have nothing against other people "chi ruan fan". To me if the wife earns much more than the husband and the husband has to spend the wife's money to upkeep their lifestyle, yes I would label that "chi ruan fan".

There is nothing flawed in the logic. If my wife earns much more than me 3 years down the road and she upgrades OUR lifestyle to one of luxury, YES, it does mean I am "chi ruan fan". Why not? I am spending her money to upkeep our lifestyle. I don't see nothing wrong from that logic.

maybe we have different definition of "chi ruan fan". To me "chi ruan fan" is a VERB, and has nothing to do with the reasons behind doing it. It just mean spending the wife's money to upkeep one's lifestyle.

BTW, if those "chi ruan fan" people are like u, are soo sensitive and cannot stand being labelled "chi ruan fan" then they will have problems in the future as people will call them that.

 

[laundry_woes]

Wah, alan. Try harder man. "Chi ruan fan" is a verb?? A lot of 4-letter words can be verbs & nouns too then. Can't imagine ur daily conversations.

By ur definitions, the majority of women will be "chi ruan fan" then? Or izit applicable only to men? By today's standards, I wld think people will be more open to such arrangements whereby men are more than willing to be househusbands. U may not. But dun insult those who are by labelling them "chi ruan fan". I have way more respect for them than u.

 

[powder]

always thought the term is more linked to the 'xiao bai lian' concept of living?

ie the guy basically wants to/has no qualms about living OFF the lady. let's not confuse it with guys who HAVE TO, and just look at guys who WANTS TO.

the term 'chi ruan fan' shuld be more indicative of the guy's mentality... rather than simply becos he earns less than the lady. or spends wife's money...

 

[miloice]

exactly powder.

Chi ruan fan suggests gigalo behavior. Someone that lives off the woman. We cannot and shouldn't really control the career of our spouses.

Alan, it isn't about being sensitive. Rather, your choice of wording isn't appropriate and misleading. Terms like chi ruan fan isn't your everyday term you call your friend, family or neighbours. It is degrading, insulting and more referring to lazy gigalos.

What if the couple decides mutually for guy to be house husband simply because it makes sense since wife career has a better future and husband prefers to be the home maker?

Chip,
everyone have different preferences. But for guys that makes it more than a preferences, doesn't it reflect something? That he has issues that he refuses to acknowledge? When I speak of low self esteem guys, I'm only refer to chaps that take it negatively and somehow pinalize the marriage and their spouses.

 

[john2burke]

it's all about perspective, just like Milo says -- if they agree it shouldn't be a problem or argument. i have two friends that ended up marrying each other (played matchmaker, yes!) and she made more than him with her nurse salary (http://www.glassdoor.com/Salaries/nurse-Salary-SRCH_KO0,5.htm) but he didn't let that be a problem...of course, he was on his way to being a doctor so she only made more than him for a couple years.

 

[denise80]

Just some thoughts on what ppl in this thread had mentioned:
I feel that if a woman has to be humble about their achievements in their career because she earns more than her man (in order not to hurt his ego), I suggest the man is not worth keeping. This means to an extent, he does mind that his woman earns much more than him.

Only marry a man who has good self-worth and self-confidence please. I earn more than my hubby and he has a good dose of self-confidence and self-esteem that he shares my achievements in life and doesn't even mind being a house husband in future. As long as your man has no qualms about it, I believe the marriage will go a long way.

I also agree with some comments here that we need to accept diversity. Afterall, it takes two hands to clap and it's no longer about changing anyone's perception on this income and gender issues. It's about mutual acceptance and respect.

 

[miloice]

Everyone should be humble. Regardless of gender. One should be sensitive enough. Being humble doesn't mean degrading yourself or something.

 

[denise80]

Being humble certainly doesn't mean degrading one self but if one is not able to share his / her happiness and achievements with the partner for fear of being insensitive, the marriage is going to be difficult in the long run.

Think of a scenario like this...
Wife: Honey, I have something to tell you. I have a promotion.
Man: Oh that..
Wife: I was just lucky, really. (even tho the wife worked extremely hard and had the capacity)

If a man has a low self-esteem and can't accept a wife who earns more than him, no matter what humility the wife shows is not going to work. Of course, this will be different if it's just a transitional phase the man is going through and I guess the wife just has to really be extra sensitive. But imagine if this is the case from the beginning and the man continues to feel lousy. I suggest both to think carefully before getting attached or married then.

I'm a Masters grad and used to date a guy who only had 3 O level passes for a couple of months. I struggled within because I indeed minded his educational background and income level but also knew that it is just not right to write off a person like that. A galfriend then enlightened me. She said it's not about moral values on what is right or wrong here but rather, if you can't accept it, then don't force yourself to. End the relationship as soon as possible to minimise the hurt and I did that. This is why I've said earlier that we have to accept diverse views. There's no right or wrong but one has to make the right decisions and be fair to one another. Eventually when in a marriage and should anything tragic happen to your partner, I strongly believe one would not forsake him or her but be always by his/her side.

 

[miloice]

Being sensitive is not the same as fearing our partners. Also, its definitely not compatibility. If we cannot be truthful and honest about ourselves with our partners, it is an issue. Its not just disparity in achievements. The scope is beyond just financial and career achievements.

What you spoke about isn't about sensitivity. You said it yourself. You mind the disparity. Its about finding that someone that you can really accept and love without fear. You can be yourself completely with him and you do not need him to be someone else too. Sensitive is always needed, it has to do more with using more EQ and empathy. You are confusing two things.

Think about this scenario :-

Think of a scenario like this...
Wife: Honey, I have something to tell you. I have a promotion.
Man: Wow! That's great!
Wife: I was just lucky, really. (even tho the wife worked extremely hard and had the capacity)
Man : Baby, you definitely deserved it. No doubt luck is definitely needed in every success but I'm really happy for you and all your hardwork is finally recognized. Let's go celebrate.
Wife: Are you okie with that?
Man: I'm lying to say I'm prideless. Don't worry, I will work hard. Remember, we are a team. There is no comparisons. As long as we are happy together. Let's work towards our goals.

This would probably be how a couple could be both truthful but yet sensitive with each other.

And if being truthful, can be just admitting they are not compatible. Goals are not aligned. It has nothing to do with being sensitive and humble with each other. Think carefully, is it really that sharing part that you are minding? For sure, there is no right or wrong. Its not about correctness. Its your choice of partner, and you know what you need and want.

How about this scenario ...
Wife: Honey, I have something to tell you. I have a promotion.
Man: Oh that...
Wife: I worked extremely hard for this and finally its paying off.
Man: So? Its peanuts, you are earning anyway. Nothing compare to my deal that we just gotten from my client.
Wife: Explaining more... (feeling frustrated and unappreciated at all)
Man: (switched off to her rants and busy switching channel on the TV... then his phone rings and he walked out to answer).

Now... that is insensitive.

 

[thommy]

I have no issues with that. And yes, my wife earns more than me now. It spurs me to find a better paying job and to upgrade myself further.