Really heartbroken this time.

F

franco8822

New Member
Hi all.. im 27 yrs old this yr.. and my gf a 26yrs old lady.. the story of our love started off in the ex company which i used to work in. Get to know her there. Althought that time i was quite inferior abt her qualifications, she a NUS graduate and im a ITC holder. She's working as a sales coordinator and im a technician there in my ex company. We are in the same dept, after months she's there. We started off going out together on weekends night and public holidays. Just walking around the shopping mall or going for a beer at one of the siglap pubs, quiet type and we were on the phone almost every night. chatting away with things. Feelings and things started to happen between us. We develop feelings towards each other. I know she was still not prepared to move on to the unknown path but i gave her the assurance abt it.

Things were going fine for us. She will usually come over to my place for dinner on 3 of the weekdays. She initiated the idea of coming after work coz we work at the same company. Things started to change when i change job and wasnt facing a gd start there. and i didnt know that my opinions and talk with her that time coz her to feel so insecurity, she mentioned that i have changed to another person.

After that, we had arguments over small trivial matters, but for my char, i choose not to remember abt those times, but neverless she kept it in her heart. There were a few times she wanted a break up, i was devasted on that and plead another chance. She began to hit herself and all.. which pains me to see her like that. i told her things can be easily resolved. After that on and off things got a little better when i change another job during last yr nov. But i know its my char doing me harm which cause me to repeat the same mistakes again which i did previously. And she don't seem to be happy at that time but i tried my best in not showing her my bad day at work. Unknowingly, she started looking for flats and wanted to get married. I was quite shocked that we were together for a yr and she decided to get a flat and ROM. she spend her effort in looking for a flat and asking me for my opinion. her parents were invloved and my parents too.. and we finally found a resale flat near to my parent's place. and that, we needed money.
her parents are old, esp her father which is in his 60 and working as a odd job painter, her mum a sales promoter working for someone close. but in may his yr her father got a reaccuring heart problem and went for a surgery. short to say we experienced quite a high and low period that time. Recently 2 wks ago, she suddenly exploded and ask her mom to tell me she wanted a break up and dont want to continue this relationship anymore.i was devasted as this is my first time im planning to settled down. She block off all contacts frm me and i could only email her. and she told me our lives are different and we tried compromising but sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. she just want to be alone to follow her heart tells her to do. i was in a panic and called her lots of times and sms till she begin to hate me. Its lasted 2 wks off blocking contacts from me till now this moment. Till today, i email her that i would move on, and she email me that she still rem the gd times and sweet sides of me, but she mention our lives are in a mess now and we as idependent adults should do it properly. she was a sweet and caring gf, we had many sweet memories together.In the first place i placed in too much feelings in this relationship and its the first time i met such a gd girl. Now she is calling off everything, which i couldnt do anything to resolved. i still care and love her so much but i dont want to stress her out too much. till now, i only met her once last wkday to sign the documents of canceling the flat. and all the cost she will bear. i want to slavage this relationship, and i know its was quite a ugly scene coz both sides parents are involved.
 


Yihui: It appears that both of you aren't ready to talk about marriage in a way. Or perhaps she might feel that she isn't ready to do it..There is always a limit to how much one can bear and from what I understand from your story, it seems that it had surpassed the limit level.. Give her some time to calm herself down.. YOu may continue to show concern but do not do it with a Bf's perspective..
 
its being 3 wks. hearing advice from parents and friends does help a little. my family is in a mess now, i dont know who is lying to me, weather is her mum or her. she and her mum told me that she's suffering from abit of depression. she being very nasty in words to me and throws her unseen temper at me. i dont know whats wrong. yes i have quite a bad temper, but not that in shouting in public or besting her. i raise my voice alittle but is not shouting. i dont like her to be pushed or hit by passers by outside. she said all these are all different views. i just want to protect her. did i do wrong? i tried to make myself busy by going out with my parents and friends but after awhile thoughts of her came back to my mind. why is she hurting me this way. does she know that this had caused me to be scared and afraid of marriage again? i trusted her so much till its beyond my trusting in a person.
 
we had arguments every week, but its not that i dont agree with her point. i do have my point, i can compromise with hers but why she just doesnt seem to compromise with me? she know it well herself that she is hurting me very badly and bleeding inside. her char was not like that, i know her. she keep stressing that she had being taking care of my feelings for very long. now she wants to follow what her heart tells her to do.
 
maybe the both of you were having so many arguments that she can no longer tolerate. it is good for you both to cool down away from each other.

and it looks like both of you are not ready to settle down. if not, you would have stopped her from cancelling the application for the flat and try to talk to her first to find out what is bugging her.

you know, her action of cancelling the flat and bearing all costs, may mean it's the end for both of you.
 
she man up and did the right thing by breaking up with you. you should remember to send her a thank-you card every now and then.
 
?? dont know what problem she is facing. but im still concern for her. i tried to stop but she changed into another person when i said i wont sign. she hurled and shouted at me. now she hates me so much till her mum says when she hear my name she starts to feel annoyed. i dont know..
 
yihui, give her some time to sort out her feeling. as u said, everything is in mess now.let time heals, soon after, when feelings are settled, u will know which direction should u go. to pursue or to let go. the picture will be clearer by then.

tomasulu, when u cant give a proper advice, pls shut up
 
ya, thanks.. think its time she herself knows best what she really wants. i cant help her if she is not helping herself. cant stand her mum still can keep stressing that we can't be together anymore... it pains my heart to hear that
 
Agree, it is better to let her sort out her thots at this point in time. No point saying anything further, as it might worsen the situation and her feelings towards you..
 
thats what i feel, coz she told me that if i keep bothering her, she's getting to hate and dislike me more. but i did email her that seems like a parting email. but now im really confused. wanted to send her flowers. and its my first time im sending flowers to someone i love deeply. i told her that i will break the tradition of mine coz of her. and its not in a moment of foolishness..
 
seems like there is no alternative then... looks like its only up to her to do what she wants. which i couldnt even do anything am i right to say that?
 
by the way she did mention earlier that its all accumlated and not in a moment of anger she did this thing into a mess.. im pushing things a little too far?
 
She is wise to haul the marriage plan. It's better to breakup now than end up in a divorce later. After marriage, there will be much more issues to handle for you and her.

Love alone is not enough to substain a relationship. She doesn't have enough capacity to handle her own life (including her own problems) now, do you think she have extra capacity to handle you and a marriage? Freed her, let her fix the problems in her life first.
 
Yes, the ball is in her court now. You can only wait. Dun do anything cuz it will only make her more irritated at this point.

Make use of this time to sort yourself out too.
 
alot of negative feedback coming from all sides, from her friends to her mum and my parents. makes me feel negative frm time to time. for me, i know whats bad abt myself, im changing. and i hope that by that time.. which i dont know when it will be, things would turn better. her words keep ringing in my mind, as stated in one of her email to me.. as follows:

she is starting to hate and dislike me more coz i cannot let go. and she will say some nasty or emotional blackmail on me. she keep mentioning im emotionally blackmail her. which i didnt, i just told her my feelings. and she told me the love is dead. she wun be coming back to me. and she is starting afresh. seems like no chance at all.......
 
i mean i dont even stand a chance after so many things happen. im willingly and prepared to face all odds if things are ok after she cool down and talk. until now, didnt have a chance to talk much abt it and what is she trying to prove? really hurts me badly this time. no faith in everything i do.... she say she is not heartless. but why all these..... doesnt she know that she had hurt me by doing all this and affect me in the later stage of life....
 
"doesnt she know that she had hurt me by doing all this and affect me in the later stage of life...."

Hey she doesn't jump into the relationship with a plan for a breakup.

You will get affected by her in the later stage of your life ONLY IF you allow yourself to get affected by it! Please stop blaming your life on her. You are responsible for your own life.

Are you going to give up on your life because of this setback in life? You should focus on upgrading your qualification, improving your career and earning power. Without $$, how can you get married and provide comfortable life to your woman?
 
sounds like im imposing on her again. im trying very hard to move on and she told she is also trying very hard to move on. tried diverting my attention, but after awhile, i would see images of her and me walking back home to my home after work. its like committing suicide again and again. i know its me, i cant overcome myself...
 
"i know its me, i cant overcome myself..."

Yes, you can. Each time you hear that inner voice telling you this, you can counter it with self-belief and conviction.

I am going through a broken engagement now, and I know it's painful and tiring. But I tell myself that if I don't pick up the pieces in my life, no one else will do it for me.
 
sometimes its really easier said then done... im feelings dispair now.... i know thinking abt whose fault it is doesnt matter anymore. i treasure this relationship alot.. she just said she gave up on everything...
 
we all have been thru it, we managed to overcome it, y can't u? u r lucky cos urs only a BGR. imgaine if u have gone thru marriage n then to be divorced... do u want that?
 
no... thats not what im looking for... i always wanted a happy family.. friends say its just the process, others say its a stage in life.. i really dont want to be negative about the whole process... but as what mistral said... self blief and conviction. i know this is the time which is the hardest part to move on..
 
but i know this time round, its hurts me thoroghly and badly... and worst my mum just passed me a hdb letter. its the letter of cancellation of the flat... really hope she dont hate me anymore...
 
So u r saying dat she ought to b living for u now instead of for herself? No wonder she say u r blackmailing her! U dun even respect her choice to leave u for e better good in her opinion.

Grow up n b a man. Let her make e decision on how to live her life.
 
now, no... she shd be living for herself and i will be living for myself. but when in a relationship, sometimes ur feelings or character gets urself mixed up in it. i also wish her the best from the bottom of my heart. and i know this thing really makes me a stronger person in the future and understanding each other is a very important issue in a relationship...
 
mine case consists of many factors... its kinda messy now... as what she stated. me and her life is in a mess now. no point blaming her or me, gotta slowly clean up the mess.. i know its hard and tiring, but thats the only way now.
 
Breaking up is always a tough process.. noone wants it.. but give yourself time to get over it.. no point forcing yourself to accept it nw.. Time is the cure, you will grow accustomed to it..
 
im sad to say, i still hope for a chance to get back together. i discover and learn alot of things these wks thru here and the internet. im trying to give myself a deadline, chances of getting back together may seems very little. but im trying to show my full support on her. its painful, but what i felt that is this relationship can still be saved. it takes 2 hands to clap, i know this theory.. now things have become quite messy and tense up, i really do hope that the light is still lightening our path....
 
Ou,

u already emailed her that u will move on and she emailed u that she'll remember the good times... isit me or wasn't the relationship ended liao?

so why are u going backwards and harassing her? u mean to say all the initial breakup hasn't seeped in and u're now trying to make the breakup more dramatic?

ok i understand the pain and all that. but dude, u gotta pickup and start over... can u provide for her and all that? the stress she's facing is more likely to do with the fact that whilst she was looking for marriage, she prob wasn't looking for struggles... and looking ahead, the future looks like it's gonna be constant struggling...

seriously i feel that sometimes if we really look ahead - it can be very very scary. some pple very able to use Love to tell themselves that everything will be alright... but then realistically, love screws more pple's future than education.

in a breakup, it's not always becos love is lost, but becos the future looks Scary.
 
ya powder, i understand that. she looks too far ahead and sees the thing u mention.(if im not wrong) im not harassing her nor im not making the breakup look dramatic.

i can admit it still feels pain inside. reflected on myself again and again. i remember i told myself not to lose it then treasure it. but seems like that case which happen to me now. the cruel lies that the relationship had ended. now its a time that me and her can get back in contact and so for...
 
maybe im making her feel this way all the time like as what u said, the future looks scary to her. she is afraid to that stage. she hates me now to the core. adviseable plan is to stop contacting her and make her feel that im dependable on myself and not on her..
 
relationships come and of cos we hope they stay, but some are not meant for a lifetime, they are meant to be fast, short and give us good lessons for the future. Wisdom does not come from getting things right each time...

i'm not scolding u or anything, i'm just telling u that i'll be freaking scared if i was a girl and gonna marry u. this has nothing to do with u or your character, i think it's more the fact that NOW, TODAY, looking ahead - is scary.

if u're a girl i'll say something different, but u're a guy... u have your responsibilities and to be a Man - u have to take-on more responsibilities, financial and all. So take this as a positive Inspiration to build on what u have, carry her in your heart but not in your mind. Move forward, just do it.

if u do marry today, tomoro u have to take care of your parents, her parents, her, yourself, future kids... Are u Ready? what do u have - love?

dun think things so simplistic and short-term, plan ahead, u have Alot of time to plan now... On?
 
i tell u when i think of my ex-gfrens and how some of them seem like they're in a rush to get married and settle down, i also freak out. as a guy, no money - forget marriage... it's simple as that.

if i wanna marry a girl, i make sure i can support her, her parents, continue to support my parents n siblings, support our children AND STILL make my 1st million before i'm 35. but that's just me...

of cos the gfrens when i am younger just wanted to get married... so it's up to me to marry or breakup... no need to drag and drag and drag... for what?

if she's scared for the future with u, then it's Valid. i can assure u that somewhere inside, she still loves u. but let me tell u something that alot of pple have problem knowing - Love Does not mean u must be die die be together... u're lucky to be together, but no need to die die be together and end up suffer like hell.
 
did consider on many issues after marriage(if things were still to proceed on). all of the factors u mention were in my mind telling me what to do next, ya maybe i didnt told her my plans which make her more worried to a limit she couldn't take it.

what im doing now is to carry her in my heart and not in my mind. but mind plays a very big part in doing that too... i admit she is still sometimes in my mind. and yes, i lack to give her security as some pt of time in the relationship. but what done had being done and what said or not said had being done.

i hope to hear news about her.ya, she is not interested to hear news about me. but i know from what she showed me, she still care that bit for me..
 
u cannot blame her... she has to move on. the age-factor is not as pressurizing on us guys as it is on girls... then if u want kids, it's also a factor... which of us wanna plan our future with MacDonald's in our mind when we're 50 and still need to support children?

u also cannot blame yourself... time is an issue in most of our lives. tat's why it's more common in the past for the men to be older and the ladies younger... it's more to do with financial stability. u dun have to be rich, but then nowadays u Cannot be average either... costs is something that will go up and Not down... all these must be taken into consideration.

whatever u're doing now, find a better way to do it and fulfill your potentials... when u have built-up strongly and she's still the one u want, u can try wooing her again... it doesn't end here, the fight never ends... life is wonderful becos we have every ability to fight for anything we want, but first we must be willing to get hit and fall along the way... if u're not willing to fall, u will never go far either...

let this relationship setback give u strength, Not hurt... give u wisdom, not foolhardiness...
 
thanks powder for englighten me that there is still hope around. im started working in this company for less then a yr, a yr to come. she knows that this company is quite gd to me, as in terms of upgrading me on courses and all. she did mention and told me to endure this job, every job had its stress, i rely too much of my feelings on her that now i want to prove to her that im able to do it alone. just hoping a little faith and all from her. am i requesting too much. if iam pls englighten me...
 
dude,

u should no longer have that expectation of her liao... she also trying to move on so it's not easy either... to be fair, u dun expect both of u to conitnue supporting each other in a very obvious manner when u just broke up. the whole point is for the detachment to find back the individualism and ideals... means u are You again. and she is She again.

no u're not asking for too much, but u're asking for something which u no longer should be asking for... it is a Priviledge and not an entitlement. Also - u should spare a thought for her... u are magnifying too much on your own feelings and not giving her feelings the due thoughts...

dun just endure the job... do good, do your best, and find success...
 
i will do that for my job. and i know she is doing that herself for her new job which started just 3wks ago.

can u elaborate more on this point: u are magnifying too much on your own feelings and not giving her feelings the due thoughts...
 
it simply means u are giving too much time and concern to how You feel... and very little to how she would feel. dun do that, although it's normal, u gotta learn to curb that. i'm pretty sure she's not feeling good either... Becos whether u know u feel like sh!t or she feel like sh!t, there's nothing u can do... it's abit LL - u LL, she LL then what can u do except keep feeling sad and LL?

LL tio bo?

dun think too hard on your feelings, the best way to counter this is to focus on other things - like work, hobbies, future plans... When ALL the other aspects of your life fall into place, trust me man... u will go into relationships with alot more confidence and u'll have less worries on the future.
 
there is a pt there powder. im working hard on it. the future is still a unknown. ya, it may be hard to overcome this relationship and yes, im feeling too much for my feelings. i should put myself in her shoes first too.. althought i told her everytime that to ask her to put herself in my shoes.

focusing on other things is a way to break free from my thinking and concern on how i feel. im trying very hard. doing the things i used to do before i know her nw.. not meaning those bad habits.. just be the normal me..

planning to go for part time studies when i pass my driving test this oct. failed once on aug.. saving up more and not be frugal. think thats the way..
 


that's the best part - the future is UNKNOWN. it's up to You to make it out to what u want it to be... stay positive and believe.

ok lah, i took 3 times to get my licence, i'm driving my 9th n 10th car now and still going... dun be frugal for the sake of it, if u want to know the secret to have no more financial worries, it's simply to earn more than u can spend... than to save all that u earn.

part-time studies - if it helps, go fopr it and do well. But dun make mistake of thinking u get 1 more cert means your earning power goes up hor? that one is not very true, pple just encourage it becos they dun know wat else to do other than upgrade and hope to earn more money...

ok, i dun wanna turn this into a money/career-thread unless u really moving that direction... u know wat's the next step... anything unexpected that comes is a bonus.
 
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