Please help with 娉金 issues!

[di_gem]

Hi All,

Your comments, experience, advice would be greatly appreciated!

I am from Taiwan and my bf is from Hong Kong but we are both living in Australia so we are in between traditional and modern thinking.
We are talking marriage and my bf has got the house (though hefty mortgage) car and ring.
Our parents are talking and please correct me but isn't it the groom's side who needs to ask the bride's side how much 娉金 they want? Then the bride's side, ie my parents have said eg AUD 50K. Is this outrageous or still the norm considering we are medium upper class and the groom is medium class family (it sounds horrible to class, but I just wanted to give everyone a picture).
My family are going a bit against tradition and this 娉金 is not for them to keep, rather they want this 娉金 to go to us to help us start a family. and In return, my family are also going to match the groom's 娉金 and give it to us.
Right now the issue is that the groom's side will pay ZERO 娉金 as they believe we are in the modern days. (but they are not modern enough to just let us pick any date and they still want to do the tea ceremony and other traditions etc). Major unhappiness for all around right now, can anyone offer any comments??

thanks in advance!

 

[ariesta]

50kAUD is pretty much hefty... for the groom's side to give... i've heard of 10k RM before.. but tats coz the groom was working in singapore and 10k is like 5k sgd. which is <5k AUD. personally, i feel tat 娉金 can be tied up with one's salary but its subjective lah..diff ppl have diff expectations of how much 娉金is. sound ur bf out wat is the acceptable range for his parents. I dun believe ur bf's parents will really pay zero娉金, as tats really part of chinese custom. but i do think tat they are most likely trying to protest against the 50k amt tat ur parents are asking. dun let this unhappiness get to u 2. tink a wedding is handling both parties' expectations and ur other half needs to communicate to his parents too. marriage is nvr just abt 2 ppl. its 2 whole cultures coming together... no matter wat happens, it will work out for the best! good luck.

 

[di_gem]

my family are not gold diggers, but my parents intention is to ask for the $50K 娉金 from his family and my parents will also put in $50 K from their side and theyr intention is for the $100K to go to us to help us get started. His family have said they will do $1888 aud as a gesture which is not going down well at all. i guess from my parents view, if they won't give a decent gift to his own son and future daughter in law, don't expect them to help wtih anything in the future. It's seriously getting me down since I agree with my parents and that this 娉金 could be solved if his parents could just be gracious and go with tradition and give something thats not $1888? But my bf doens't think its right to ask his parents for money since we live in a modern world. very torn!! thank you for your comments though!

 

[angel8ish]

I am appalled. The fact that both sets of parents have spent $$ to bring you both up are enough to get started in my opinion.

 

[ariesta]

.... 100k to get started... wow... can i be ur parents' daughter too? i really dun knw wats the standard like in aussie. but tink there is a rather big gap between u and ur hb's expectations. ur parents must understand tat not all ppl can afford to gif so much a 娉金. personally $1888 is a decent gesture. wat is a decent gesture is subjective. maybe for your parents its easy for them to come up with a 50k present for you. but put urself in ur htb shoes. 50k maybe his parents' lifesavings. to gif it all as a 娉金 as a DECENT GESTURE for your wedding may be too much for them to handle.

btw is it tradition in aussie to gif 50k as a 娉金?? dun tink tat the amt of 娉金 is fixed. its up to both of u to handle your own expectations. coz rite now, ur expectations of 娉金 is 50k. but ur htb's expectation is tat it can be just a gesture. do u have any chinese frens in aussie? is that the norm in aussie?

ultimately, seriously consider the financial abilities of ur htb's parents. remember not everyone can afford 50k for their kid's wedding.

 

[di_gem]

thank you all for your comments, maybe its a tw/hk thing? I've been reading a lot in this forum and it seems all you singaporean gals are very 'equal' and a lot of things are 50/50 even paying for the wedding. Of course there is not 'set' amount, however I guess my parents are doing this with good intentions. If they had bad intentions or were greedy, they would only demand this money from the grooms side adn keep it for themselves. But in this case, they are going out of the norm to also give us a gift. I don't want to feel like we are haggling at the supermarket, but I can understand not all parents can pay $50K. Would $20K still be outrageous? I konw they can afford this, but whether they 'want' to or not. My parents would happily do this, and their view is that if my future in laws aren't gonna help us out now, what happens if we have issues in the future.
I very much am independent and have a good job and income and have never asked my bf to buy me ANYTHING. I am always extremely considerate of his finances which is why i asked for a tiny wedding, reduced the cost of the dress, venue, cake bla bla. So in my mind, I am just thinking surely you can see this and your parents can see that we are not gold diggers and surely if they love us they would be willing to give us this gift as a blessing.

 

[ariesta]

hmmm, actually i dun equate $$=love. tats how u r looking at tis. htb parents not willingly to gif at least 20k ==> they will not be willingly to help u when u have issues in the future.

your family is placing too much emphasis on the 娉金. not all help is on monetary issue. ur htb's family may not gif alot for your 娉金but tats not saying tat they dun blessing ur wedding. or tat they r not willing to help u guys out in the future. you hang out with his parents. you shld know their behaviour. are they ppl who are tight-fist abt money? are they selfish ppl? if they r not, maybe in your case, there is a threshold on wat they are willing to gif as a 娉金. you are considerate to him and his finances. but to him, maybe 20k is more than wat his parents are willingly to gif as 娉金. even if this 娉金will given as a present to you, topped up by ur parents' own 20k or 50k, he will not appreciate this gesture from ur parents as 20k is part of his parents hard-earned money which he can do without. since you r indpt with a good income, there is no need for your parents to be so protected towards you such tat they need to provide a 40k gift to you to start a family. the 40k gift will come in more useful in the future when u really need it.

perhaps you can fare better asking in HK forums, since he is from hk.


in singapore, we do things 50/50, coz ultimately the 娉金 tat our htb parents gifs us, comes frm our htb themselves. most of our parents are not rich to be able to afford a 20k 娉金 esp when they have their own expenses during our wedding. the red packet money, the deco at home, the buffet for frens/relatives,wedding present for us, these are expenditures for them.

 

[di_gem]

I understand everything you say and I will definitely reflect and wonder why so much emphasis is placed on this issue. I will add that the whole wedding will be paid by my bf alone with zero help from his parents. Our new home and all furniture etc has been funded solely by my bf too and nothing from parents. Therefore, we have not asked or used any of their money so they have no 'expenses' to consider in this marriage. It is only since marriage is the beginning of our new life together as a new family bla bla bla and that's where my parents have decided to do this gift. So since his side is not financially doing anything for the wedding. And even the non financial things are taken care of completely by me. I guess I have to have a good reflection on myslef and this situation, though I don't see any harm in their side giving a bit more and i know they can afford this.

I really didn't think i was alone in this subject...

 

[houseoflove]

Hi Dee Oo,

so in the end how did it all go?

 

[ilupbeach]

my parents ask for 20k and finally nego to 10k