Pin Jing & Ang Bao Issues

chaoticresolves

New Member
Hi all,

I am getting married in another month or so. But recently I am encountering this issue with my own mother.
As I am pregnant our wedding was done in a rush, initially didn't want to hold any banquet, and just wanted a simple ROM lunch but my In-Laws insisted on doing a small banquet so we went along with them.

Anyway, we have booked for 10 tables at Park Royal on Pickering. Banquet Lunch. We decided not to follow any customary or guo da li or gatecrash as it would be too much of a hassle and cause I am afraid that I will be too tired. Everyone agreed on this.

1 month ago, my in-laws asked me to ask my mum if she wanted any "pin jing" and my mum said no so we took it as that. She only asked for 1 more extra table for her to invite her colleagues (which she insisted she wanted to even when I told her that our wedding banquet we would not be inviting those people whom we are not close with and only within the family and relatives themselves) ; which I have already told her that since she wants 1 more table we are agree-able HOWEVER the red packets from the table would have to come back to my husband and me as we were taking the banquet money out of our own pockets. She agreed as well.

That's when the whole saga started.

Yesterday, I texted her to ask her to confirm on the names of the colleagues (10 of them) that she is inviting. I told her that I needed it so my sisters know how to direct them to their correct table during the reception. She told me that there was no need for that and I can just give her the table number so she would just ask them to go into the ballroom and take seats at their respective table. I told her and reminded her once more that the red packets would come back to us and she started arguing.

She said BY LAW - red packets from my relatives side and her friends table should all go to her since she did not receive any "pin jing" from my in-laws. I proceeded to argue with her insisting that she AGREED on the no pin jing and also agreed on the ang baos to come back to us and she straight away told me that if I did not acceed to her request she will not be attending my wedding.

Sigh. Please tell me what should I do to get through to her.

The banquet alone costs about 15K and the whole wedding including dress, photography etc., my husband is paying for it and yet I feel my mum is just trying to earn money off my wedding. We never intend to take back 100% of the banquet money from the red packets but at least enough so we can also save up for the coming baby, check ups and hospital bills.

Anyone experienced the same issue previously? Please help to advise.
 


Honeyboo

New Member
has your mum always been this way about money?

maybe you can try talking to her about you wanting to save up for the baby and all..

my parents have no intention to take the ang baos from our wedding because we are the ones forking out the money, so i dont face this issue..

there's another way...tell her it's ok if she doesn't attend your wedding? she might be bluffing. but if she really doesn't show up, are you okay with that? if you're not then don't try calling her bluff..
 

xiaojojojo

New Member
reminded me of my friend's wedding. both parents said doesnt wan the ang bao money. But during the wedding, some relatives gave the ang bao straight to the Mother. And she just keep it without informing the bride. Also say by right, all relative ang bao should give mother. I dont unds why parents want to make things difficult to the newly wed. Not as if everyone marry to a husband that afford everything. What century already
 

chaoticresolves

New Member
has your mum always been this way about money?

maybe you can try talking to her about you wanting to save up for the baby and all..

my parents have no intention to take the ang baos from our wedding because we are the ones forking out the money, so i dont face this issue..

there's another way...tell her it's ok if she doesn't attend your wedding? she might be bluffing. but if she really doesn't show up, are you okay with that? if you're not then don't try calling her bluff..

Haha usually she doesn't mean what she say but I guess it's a 50/50 of course i want my own mother to be there for my wedding but she jus keeps using this blatant threats about this issue. Which I do not feel good about. Of course if she puts it another way I will definitely be more agree-able to give her what she wants. But well, humans..
 

chaoticresolves

New Member
reminded me of my friend's wedding. both parents said doesnt wan the ang bao money. But during the wedding, some relatives gave the ang bao straight to the Mother. And she just keep it without informing the bride. Also say by right, all relative ang bao should give mother. I dont unds why parents want to make things difficult to the newly wed. Not as if everyone marry to a husband that afford everything. What century already

Yea, instead of being supportive and happy they are asking for so much. Feels like I am being sold off like this.
I am also afraid of this issue happening during my wedding whereby relatives pass the ang bao to my mum and she jus keeps it without letting me know.
 

Loveinstills

Loveinstills Photography
Yea, instead of being supportive and happy they are asking for so much. Feels like I am being sold off like this.
I am also afraid of this issue happening during my wedding whereby relatives pass the ang bao to my mum and she jus keeps it without letting me know.

Most important is to set the expectation right. Hence it is best for you to really sit down with your parents and discuss this matter objectively. Yes emotions may run high but that's where we come in as adult and address the issues at hand.

Parents' expectation may not be beneficial to the couple as usually they will be thinking from their own perspective, if you can have a good chat with them, carefully explaining to them your concerns and repercussion of having everything their way, I am sure they will think about it more carefully, though they may not response immediately.

As for your ang baos. Don't expect to recoup what you have spent on. With banquet pricing going up and up, the overall affordability of your guest may in tandem with the increase (due the economic situation and whatever personal financial constrain that they may have). Hence chances are you will certainly make a loss of 8-10k or slightly more, depending on how lavish the banquet is. If all goes well, you may break even, but don't set your hopes too high.

At the end of it. If we hope to recoup from our expenditure, chances are we will be disappointed. Main reason for wedding banquet is for the couple to share their joyous occasion with their friends and family. But due to our archaic traditions, it has become an exceeding important occasion for the parents (when else can they invite their friends and colleagues or business associates ya?)

As someone who has gone through what you did, I can empathize with you. However as I begin to shoot more and more wedding, I began to see the importance of having such banquet from the parent's perspective. There are little little moments that we see during the course of the wedding that are hidden from the couple's eyes (simply because the couple is just too busy), and we do feel for the parents when they hand over the responsibilities to the couple for them to start their lives together.

So..... have a good chat with your parents, don't fret about it so much or else you wont enjoy your wedding. If they are really insistent on their ways, then you will either have to highlight to them repercussion of spending excessive money or you will just have to make it clear to them that your reasons for such as such is in consideration for your future. Or can suggest for them to chip in to alleviate the financial burden? (ie. it is foolish to spent a bomb on your wedding banquet and end up with a huge debt). At the end of it all, nothing will be left (banquets over, gown etc returned), the only thing that is left is relationship and memories (negative or positive), you will have to be the one to face it.

So... be objective and clear. And never let emotions make the decision.
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
Hi all,

I am getting married in another month or so. But recently I am encountering this issue with my own mother.
As I am pregnant our wedding was done in a rush, initially didn't want to hold any banquet, and just wanted a simple ROM lunch but my In-Laws insisted on doing a small banquet so we went along with them.

Anyway, we have booked for 10 tables at Park Royal on Pickering. Banquet Lunch. We decided not to follow any customary or guo da li or gatecrash as it would be too much of a hassle and cause I am afraid that I will be too tired. Everyone agreed on this.

1 month ago, my in-laws asked me to ask my mum if she wanted any "pin jing" and my mum said no so we took it as that. She only asked for 1 more extra table for her to invite her colleagues (which she insisted she wanted to even when I told her that our wedding banquet we would not be inviting those people whom we are not close with and only within the family and relatives themselves) ; which I have already told her that since she wants 1 more table we are agree-able HOWEVER the red packets from the table would have to come back to my husband and me as we were taking the banquet money out of our own pockets. She agreed as well.

That's when the whole saga started.

Yesterday, I texted her to ask her to confirm on the names of the colleagues (10 of them) that she is inviting. I told her that I needed it so my sisters know how to direct them to their correct table during the reception. She told me that there was no need for that and I can just give her the table number so she would just ask them to go into the ballroom and take seats at their respective table. I told her and reminded her once more that the red packets would come back to us and she started arguing.

She said BY LAW - red packets from my relatives side and her friends table should all go to her since she did not receive any "pin jing" from my in-laws. I proceeded to argue with her insisting that she AGREED on the no pin jing and also agreed on the ang baos to come back to us and she straight away told me that if I did not acceed to her request she will not be attending my wedding.

Sigh. Please tell me what should I do to get through to her.

The banquet alone costs about 15K and the whole wedding including dress, photography etc., my husband is paying for it and yet I feel my mum is just trying to earn money off my wedding. We never intend to take back 100% of the banquet money from the red packets but at least enough so we can also save up for the coming baby, check ups and hospital bills.

Anyone experienced the same issue previously? Please help to advise.

Sorry to hear that you need to juggle the stress of such wedding planning along with caring for your pregnancy at the same time... Parents may have different viewpoints from their children when it comes to ang bao issue... Perhaps chat with your mum and get her to understand the costs involved in your wedding (not all parents are aware that weddings these days can cost a bomb compared to the weddings back during their own times even when the food served have not differed much over the decades) as well as your plans in saving for baby.

As for your mum's colleague's table... It is not uncommon for there to be a lot of last minute changes when it comes to table seating (some relatives will demand to sit or not sit next to someone or you have some people who inform you they'll come at the last minute way past the RSVP date but you can't turn them away coz they're "important" guests then you need to reshuffle a whole bunch to fit that) so let your mum know that table numbers are never finalised till the banquet time itself so you can't give her a table number per se. If she still insists on not providing the names, then let her know to tell her colleagues to identify themselves as "bride's mother's colleagues" when they come to the reception on that day so that they can be led to the right table. Let your mum know also that while it rarely happens, some people turn up at the wrong ballroom (I'm sure Parkroyal has got more than one ballroom) or even the wrong hotel (Parkroyal also has hotels on Kitchener Road and Beach Road besides Pickering) or worse still, some try to illegally gatecrash to earn a free meal, so guests' names are important to check against your list as if the name is not listed, this can be rechecked and verified, rather than letting a random stranger in who happens to be another bride's mother's colleague (How many bride's mother's colleague even know the exact name and face of the bride to begin with? They can potentially sit through half the wedding or even the whole event before realizing the mistake!) or someone who pretends to know your mum just because he/she has overheard your mum's colleagues identifying themselves as such without giving any names for checking.

And at the reception table itself, place the ang bao box for guests to drop in their ang baos - if they still don't drop it in there but hand it to your mum themselves, then you will just have to accept it regardless whether your mum keeps the ang baos or hand them back to you. If she keeps it, don't feel negatively towards her (you should be happy on your big day anyway) and just think of those money as the least that you can give to her for all those years that she has sacrificed in her own ways in raising you up.

Hope you and your mum can come to some form of mutual compromise... Have a lovely wedding, a blissful marriage and a smooth pregnancy journey! :)
 

Jessie.Y

Member
I too, needed some advice regarding ang baos.

For my case, my parents already took a big portion of the pin jing during GDL and also requested 6 tables from the banquet, on top of the other customary items like pig trotters cans or xi bing etc which groom side gladly obliged.

Recently, i brought up the issue regarding the 6 tables ang bao money to my parents, asking if they will be returning the ang baos back to us as we are the one forking for the tables ourselves. Unfortunately, my dad replied a NO with not much hesitation. Under my dad's multiple questioning, i told them that actually we needed the 6 tables ang bao money back so as not to lose too much money from the banquet as we are forking everything for our wedding. And that on the actual day we still have other expenses to take care of, like photographer, gate crash, MUA and a lot more. If they could return us the ang bao money, it would be less tedious for us financially. And we have just bought a resale flat and we have renovations & furniture to take care of after the wedding as well.

Unfortunately, my dad said the 6 tables were given by groom side and the ang bao money rightfully should go to my parents, since it was committed by the groom side. But i told them repeatedly that we are the one paying for the tables actually, and that our expenses were already very high. My parents then said if we couldnt afford the banquet then why choose such a grand hotel etc, and that we should do enough planning to cater for all these expenses.

And if we really needed the 6 tables money for renovations etc, they will lend us instead. Honestly, deep down i do felt like i'm being ripped off, like my parents are finding an opportunity to earn out of my wedding, they did not fork out a single cent except to buy gold bangle for me and gold ring for my HTB, but that money was from the GDL which they took.

What should i do?
 

ing1

Active Member
Haha usually she doesn't mean what she say but I guess it's a 50/50 of course i want my own mother to be there for my wedding but she jus keeps using this blatant threats about this issue. Which I do not feel good about. Of course if she puts it another way I will definitely be more agree-able to give her what she wants. But well, humans..
Erm, why not just let it go and let her have the 1 table? Keep it a happy occasion and make everyone happy. :)

I m sure u can afford to give 1 table and save on other stuff. :)
 

Huathuat88

New Member
hi @Jessie.Y I have the same situation as you!!! omg. my parents also requested for 6 tables on top of a 4 digit pinjin. And as well as other gdl items. I have quarrel so many times that i couldnt remember how many lol.. in the end i just decided to give in because no point arguing if they are already so stubborn, only make my life difficult. Same as you that my parents also said something along thje line of "if cannot afford then dont get married". What they dont know is how banquet and bridal packages have all increase as compared to their era... i even do out the calculations upfront to them but they dont want to believe that a wedding can costs that much. My advice is just go with whatever they want, but you have to be firm and say "is that final? no more things you want?" and make sure they dont add any more requests. Or rather anymore requests after that dont accept already. At least thats what i did and it has been ok so far *cross fingers*
 

JoshuaLim1988

New Member
Hi, I am currently facing the same issue!!

Just sharing my experience.

Firstly, I am the groom.

I have already agreed to give a 4-digit ping-jing to my Bride's mom that she requested and a 'guo da li'.

Our wedding buffet(not catering) is paid by 90% myself and 10% my bride.
Upon informing my bride's mom about our wedding schedule and pax, she immediately ask about the angbao from the guests, stating that angbao should give to HER(the mother, not the bride), despite she already requested for the 4-digit ping-jing. I told her that the money will be used to pay for the wedding buffet so that my wife-to-be will not need to come out with a single cent. Upon insisting that her relatives angbao should go back to her, we agreed that all her relatives angbao we will return to her. The pax for bride's side is more than double my side.
She did not even offer to pay a single cent for our wedding. All she did was request this and that, last minute add people.
Me and my fiancee has had many arguments and quarrels due to her.

I had bad experience with my mother in law before this as my fiancee agreed she does not require the 4-dian-jing (gold), however upon hearing her daughter said no need, she told her daughter after that that she was stupid and demands my side to give the 4-dian-jing after about 1-2 weeks . Also, we and my fiancee had initially agreed to split the wedding cost so that we have sufficient money for our honeymoon but this was quickly reprimanded by my mother-in-law too, that guy should pay all. I had agreed to that, and that's when many more people just pop-out of nowhere to add to our wedding.

At this point, our expenses are already 5-digits.

Does these mothers not know that by squeezing our money to the point of no money for their own selfish greed, their daughter will suffer after marriage?

All I have to say is, I now have a different view on my mother-in-law, and things will never ever be the same for me after the marriage. I wouldn't even want to talk to her in future. I guess the wedding will not be a happy one for us. My fiancee had many headache too due to her mother's problem on this.
 

Chingster

New Member
Just sharing my experience. Feels this whole practice is quite unfair to the guys.

Anyway, we just married off my sister and my mum did not request for any tables and kept only $1000 as a token sum from the pinjin which she then returned to my sister backend to bless their marriage. Also sidianjin was skipped as my sis can't be bothered with gold jewelery. However, the groom did sponsor part of our relative guodali get together buffet party. I mention this story to contrast with mine.

Back to my story, my fiancee's mother requested for 10 tables, sidianjin and a $1888 pinjin, together with all the festive biscuits (which they are sending to their entire clan of more than 10 tables of relatives). We are paying the banquet ourselves, so this is essentially a gift to her parents which they might or might not return to her backend. However, we are actually tight on our budget as she would like to have a luxurious renovation for our house as well as a dream honeymoon.

On the other end, my parents offered us $20000 for our first house as well as the sidianjin and pinjin requested. I really appreciate this gesture of alleviating our financial burden so I felt that we should let them keep the angbao from our relatives (which are fewer btw, we only have 7 tables). When I told my fiancee, she became angry and feel why should we let my parents keep the ang bao as we are the one paying for it. I am having second thoughts on whether my wife would really love my parents when she says something like this.

I don't foresee my wife-to-be would take care of my parents any more than I would take care of hers after marriage as would be the case in more traditional times. Anyone feels that this tradition is unfair and outdated in modern society where the bride doesn't really marry into the groom's family but rather marry to start a new family? When we do the sums, it seems unfair that my parents provide $20000 to bless us whereas the bride's parents get to keep the ang baos from 10 tables which would likely amount to about $10000. I'm also tempted to reconsider my marriage as I don't feel my wife is together with me in wanting to honour my parents' super kind gesture. Hopefully, she is just stressed by the finances.
 

Chingster

New Member
I too, needed some advice regarding ang baos.

For my case, my parents already took a big portion of the pin jing during GDL and also requested 6 tables from the banquet, on top of the other customary items like pig trotters cans or xi bing etc which groom side gladly obliged.

Recently, i brought up the issue regarding the 6 tables ang bao money to my parents, asking if they will be returning the ang baos back to us as we are the one forking for the tables ourselves. Unfortunately, my dad replied a NO with not much hesitation. Under my dad's multiple questioning, i told them that actually we needed the 6 tables ang bao money back so as not to lose too much money from the banquet as we are forking everything for our wedding. And that on the actual day we still have other expenses to take care of, like photographer, gate crash, MUA and a lot more. If they could return us the ang bao money, it would be less tedious for us financially. And we have just bought a resale flat and we have renovations & furniture to take care of after the wedding as well.

Unfortunately, my dad said the 6 tables were given by groom side and the ang bao money rightfully should go to my parents, since it was committed by the groom side. But i told them repeatedly that we are the one paying for the tables actually, and that our expenses were already very high. My parents then said if we couldnt afford the banquet then why choose such a grand hotel etc, and that we should do enough planning to cater for all these expenses.

And if we really needed the 6 tables money for renovations etc, they will lend us instead. Honestly, deep down i do felt like i'm being ripped off, like my parents are finding an opportunity to earn out of my wedding, they did not fork out a single cent except to buy gold bangle for me and gold ring for my HTB, but that money was from the GDL which they took.

What should i do?

I totally feel for you. Is the ang bao money really worth the sour after-taste of the father-daughter relationship? Feels like they are selling you away for 6 tables worth of angbao money. I wonder how your relationship with your father is like now.
 
I cannot fathom the obsession people have with financially crippling traditions like wedding banquets which very frequently leads to nothing but strained relationships. If money becomes the central of attention that has to be diverted to who or where because someone feels shortchanged then isn't this banquet a harbinger of woe rather than a celebratory gathering?

In an optimistic light, the pandemic helps in a way to simplify the complication of a simple marital union. It's a wedding between two persons. Who drag along a whole line of disputes? Just go and sign the papers with 1 friend each as the legal required witness then buy those two a good lunch before calling it a day. You are getting married, not your parents or some distant relative of someone you thought you know.
 

Ed.H

New Member
Just sharing my experience. Feels this whole practice is quite unfair to the guys.

Anyway, we just married off my sister and my mum did not request for any tables and kept only $1000 as a token sum from the pinjin which she then returned to my sister backend to bless their marriage. Also sidianjin was skipped as my sis can't be bothered with gold jewelery. However, the groom did sponsor part of our relative guodali get together buffet party. I mention this story to contrast with mine.

Back to my story, my fiancee's mother requested for 10 tables, sidianjin and a $1888 pinjin, together with all the festive biscuits (which they are sending to their entire clan of more than 10 tables of relatives). We are paying the banquet ourselves, so this is essentially a gift to her parents which they might or might not return to her backend. However, we are actually tight on our budget as she would like to have a luxurious renovation for our house as well as a dream honeymoon.

On the other end, my parents offered us $20000 for our first house as well as the sidianjin and pinjin requested. I really appreciate this gesture of alleviating our financial burden so I felt that we should let them keep the angbao from our relatives (which are fewer btw, we only have 7 tables). When I told my fiancee, she became angry and feel why should we let my parents keep the ang bao as we are the one paying for it. I am having second thoughts on whether my wife would really love my parents when she says something like this.

I don't foresee my wife-to-be would take care of my parents any more than I would take care of hers after marriage as would be the case in more traditional times. Anyone feels that this tradition is unfair and outdated in modern society where the bride doesn't really marry into the groom's family but rather marry to start a new family? When we do the sums, it seems unfair that my parents provide $20000 to bless us whereas the bride's parents get to keep the ang baos from 10 tables which would likely amount to about $10000. I'm also tempted to reconsider my marriage as I don't feel my wife is together with me in wanting to honour my parents' super kind gesture. Hopefully, she is just stressed by the finances.

Hi Chingster ,

I think it will be good to try to look at it this way; just a small disclaimer that I am not strongly enforcing my ideas in anyway.

Not sure if you have ROM-ed, but during wedding planning , the stress and the true colours come out to light ! I am speaking from my own experience, have actually been married for some time, but still questioning if I made the right choice to settle down today. It’s a pretty painful and personal experience that I have not been able to pen down just yet. reason why I have revisited this forum is because of the current burden my MIL is giving me on her other kids wedding .

I think the most important thing right now is to see if your wife is on the same page with you on the issue of her Mother. It will likely cause more future conflicts if she doesn’t see the issue on hand , but rather agrees blindly. We can’t change the child parent dynamics very much, and we shouldn’t expect to be able to either .

I was in a rather fortunate situation like your sister, and my parents returned a big majority of the $$$$$ to send the message to them that my children is not a transaction . Wedding cost wise I halved it with my husband, as is the home and reno. I will be very upfront and said the only demand we had was the festive cakes, but that is due to the tradition that my cousins and siblings have distributed those as well. My MIL basically didn’t want to do that , and even suggested just giving Pandan cakes . I was going to accept it and secretly donate it and purchase those on my own. Fortunately, I have a FIL is nice and impartial . Needless to say, you can tell who I buy food and beer for when I visit .
You do have to be prepared if your wife doesn’t acknowledge the money your parents gave to help both of you, there isn’t going to be much reciprocation from her end now and in future.

it would be good to speak to your parents on their thoughts, they know their child best and if there are any alarm bells , they would tell you . Am pretty sure your folks have an opinion on their new in-laws too.. hope you get some light on the situation u are in!
 

Top