PIL Problems

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pisces_star

New Member
Hi,

I'm new here but came across some threads talking about unfair and irritating PILs. So i thought i could also share my experience.

i also hate my PILs to the core. they are unfair and biased towards me and my husband, just cos my husband is the middle child.

anything that is good, they reserve for my bils and all the errands and problems, all pass to my husband to settle. as a result, i always end up quarrelling with my husband becos of this.

my husband sees it as repaying them, cos they brought him up. but one has to draw the line, rite? cant be everything we do, then how about the other 2 sons? and my husband spends so much time helping them out that he can't finish his work and as a result, have to do alot of OTs and can't accompany me and the kids.

and the worst part? my pil also dun appreciate it and only know how to praise his other 2 sons who does nothing! and my mil is no.1 for passing sarcastic remarks to me to "scold" me. like if i happen to cook something nicer than her, then she gets jealous and starts to talk to me nastily and openly asks everyone if my cooking is really nicer than her. then if my kids are closer to me, she also gets jealous and start asking them wat is so good about your mummy?

don't u think mils like that are crazy? jealous cos the kids are close to their mothers? i used to stay with her in the beginning ut i couldnt stand her anymore and my husband couldnt stand my nagging about her so we shifted out. then from that day onwards, i became public enemy no. 1. she is always out to get me.

my fil also no better. practise favouritism. bought a 1.5 carat diamond ring for my sil just cos she could "sah kah" him more.

i just hate my pil.
 


So I guess there is no problem for you now since you have your own home, however, how did your mil treat the other 2 dils? If they are able to get along well with her, may be there are something good that you can learn from them be it sah kah or what, its an art.
 
One more thing, is your pil those educated or uneducated type? I was wondering is this related to education or intellectual level.
 
Pieces_star,

Reading your post, I seemed to be reading a story of my own. Though my hubby isn't the middle child. He's the youngest and yet we have to stay with PILs. Reason being, eldest BIL is being controlled by wife whom will hear nothing about staying with PILs, and 2nd BIL will have to take care of his PILs eventually as his wife is the only child in her family.

Same as you, no matter what me and my hubby did, we always fall short as compared to the 2 brothers. Both of them gave her $100 each per mth, to her it's like a fortune. When we took care of all the household expenses, sometimes even indulging her with some shopping trips, buying her new clothes and new shoes, it was never enough. We still are 'leech' to her as she claimed we insist on staying with her despite having a flat on our own. She just don't recognize that we are staying back just to take care of both of them, so that both of them will not be so lonely and helpless.

Similarly like you, I came from a family where my mother loves to whip up dishes of all sorts. I somehow inherited this from her and came to love cooking and baking. Unlike my MIL, her cooking is so standard that even though the ingredients might change, but the spices used to flavour the dishes remained the same. Eating home everyday by her cooking, it's just like eating the same ole thing over and over again. Worst of all, she love to buy processed food (Frozen food/Sausage/Fishcake) and cook.

My hubby came to know of my cooking skill when his mother went to China for a 6 days holiday. During then, every single day, I will squeeze my brain juice to prepare new types of food for him... Monday - Thai food, Tuesday - Chinese food, Wednesday - Malay food etc. He fell so in love with my cooking that when his mum ever offered to cook for him, he'll reject and suggest that I cook instead. 2 days ago, my hubby had a craving for Thai food, thus I whipped up the dishes at last min (started 5pm and ended 7.40pm). My MIL of course was very upset that I was requested to cook instead of her. My hubby invited my 2nd BIL over for dinner, and right in front of my 2nd BIL, my MIL commented this:

'What kind of cooking is this? Need 4 hours to prepare?'

It made me damn upset. Then after finishing my cooking, everybody praised my cooking to be so authentic, so refreshing and so nice. All except my MIL. She commented on my fried Pandan Chicken, saying this:

'Wah. Pandan leave fried until can eat. Chicken so hard?! You don't know how to control timing ah?'

If it's not for my hubby speaking up on my behalf, retaliating her,

'Wah, you speak as if you are like a master chef. But how come I don't see you cooking like her style?'

It's so nice to see the colour on her face change. Hehe.....

Coming to kids, I am a very huggly and cuddly mummy to my kids. Showering them with lots of physical contacts and kisses. Thus, my kids love me alot. Unlike my MIL, she maintained distances from kids. Not only my kids are close to me. Even my 2nd BIL kids are very very close to me due to my cuddly nature. Thus, everytime I'm around, all the kids will treat her as non-existence. With this, she also put me into her number 1 hate list. Haiz......

The ways she displayed out her displeasure with me is via treating me as transparent whenever I'm at home. When I'm sick, I have to take care of myself, boil 'Liang teh' for myself. Even have to prepare porridge for myself cos she will purposely cook fried food even though I'm sick. When my hubby is sick, she will prepare everything possible to nurture him back to health. That is why, many a times, I feel so homesick. Sometimes, may shed tears just thinking of my mummy.

When can I ever move out?

By the way, I am Pieces myself too. Hehe....
 
Moral of the story is not to be better than your mil in everythings? However, if not as good she will complain that we are lousy, don't know anything...keke...left right we are not human...difficult...

Hmm...is there any positive story with pil to motivate us?

Where you gals learn to cook? Seem like cooking skill is quite important and it added to the spice of marriage life...sad to say my cooking skill is quite basic lei...
 
I guess it is always a tactic to handling PILs? As what people always says, 相处容易，相ä½éš¾. There are bound to be conflicts for day-to-day living.

Outcast: same here. I think exploring new receips might help in one way or another.
happy.gif
 
i guess they are being territorial... = I would consider and term it as different styles instead? Jus like as my MIL has her own way of washing the dishes etc, I wun engage in the washing after meals but I will help to wipe the utensils etc after my MIL finishes with the washing?
 
Try not to take differences personally. You might not understand and agree with his family culture, but u still need to respect it.

The conflict of interest is always with both the wife and parent believing the other party is taking advantage. If you stay together, need to close your eyes and filter these things. Hating someone to the core will not make your life any better.

No matter how you complain about it, you still face them.
 
Outcast,

my sil also cannot get along with my pil. thats becos she is very proud and arrogant. think she is very clever, just cos she is a lawyer cum consultant. so she talks to everyone like they are all lower than her. my mil also cannot tahan her but becos she earn more money than her, she tolerate her. in fact, the whole family is tolerating her. like when we go out for meals, she will be the one who decides where to go, what time and wat to order. so damn bossy.

Chilli Queen,

ya, my story is so similar to yours, except, my husband doesnt speak up for me. even when i cook something nice, he also doesnt speak up for me in front of his parents or brothers. only in private he will tell me he prefers my cooking.

so angry with my husband cos everytime when my mil bully me with her sarcastic words, he never help to defend me. and im like so helpless. i can talk back to her but i refrain myself from doing so cos i dun want to put my husband in a spot. but he being my husband should try to protect me, rite?

and my fil was diagnosed with cancer last year so it was my husband who drove him to the doctors and accompany him for appointments. and he can still go around telling people that it was my bil (no.1) who took care of him. so angry. i dun ask u to give credit but at least you appreciate wat we do for you. but he gives credit and all the good stuff to people who never do anything for him.

and my future sil is a super ma pi jing! she "sah kah" my pil so much that anything she wants, she gets it. she even charges all the home furnishing bill to my pil (cos she is staying with them). when i started staying with my pil, i bought my own furnishings.

i hate going to their house and i hate having a meal with all of them. i can't act and i cant pretend that everything is ok. and the other 2 dils are so fake with each other...the atmosphere is so fake!

my pils are like watching a drama serial from mediacorp....
 
Outcast,

yes, my pils are uneducated. they are the typical "lao hokkien" types, those that got a little money, think they are damn rich and better than everyone else....
 
littlewoman, yes they might have different styles. anyway i have ever tried to cook before...my bf's mom couldn't stop looking at what we are doing and made a lot of comments...etc. i concluded she's feeling territorial esp since it's her house, her kitchen.

she even mentioned "this is my kitchen, i know everything"

maybe because she's a traditional housewife type. so upkeeping the house and her kitchen are her main priorities?
 
flyingstar: Perhaps she jus isn't used to having another person "sharing the kitchen" with her, i mean she might prefer things to be kept this way etc? Eg: my mum fears the smell of butter, thus, I dun do baking in her kitchen and I wun not pretend to know everything when I visit my in-laws etc. This is a mutual respect in one way or another? There are bound to be differences in our individual living habits and styles... it is jus a matter of adjustment at times.
 
I am the least favoured dil as i am staying with my pil. I also find it extremely loathesome to stay with pil. My pil are the uneducated type whose intellectual level extremely low, my fil like to flaunt his chinese historical knowledge,very boastful despite having poor credentials. My fil often get livid over minor issues with dils. I ever had altercation with him and he would curse me to death, when he angry with the other dils, he also curse them to death, ask them go to kick the bucket. Very evil mouth!!!! And yet he often preach to us juniors about having good principles, morality and integrity and also about religion. A very contradicting and irritating man. My mil is the super sensitive type, who likes to surmise people intention, throwing false accusation on dil based on her senseless and nonsensical conjecture, both my pil are difficult to get along. Both are problematic.

They speak without using brain, deliberately insulting, making derogatory remarks on me on many occasions, especially my mil, until today i find her character incomprehensible albeit staying with her for many years.

She treats my husband like goldmine, having high expectations for him giving her money buy car, house, and she would always give lame excuses like the other sons are not as affluent as my husband.

She is an extremely bitter and sour person, having pangs of jealousy whenever she heard praises sang on me, for instance, there was once I whipped up a dinner for my in laws, and i was cooking in kitchen and one of my in law commented that my cooking smell nice, mil said the house being enclosed, so any cooking would smell good, then another occasion, my bil paid me a compliment, mil said my bil good at bootlicking me. All these years, she has been making sarcastic, insulting and derogatory remarks on me, i have been tolerating her from day one.

Years ago, I did tell her nicely that she often make sarcastic remarks on me which hurt my pride, she told me that all elderly folks are like this, is this true?

My mil also very jealous of my cooking, she despise my cooking, she thought my husband enjoys her cooking, in fact last time she used to cook for my husband, but in recent years, i learn cooking on my own, trial and error many times, and now I am able to whipped up some dishes and soup. When she offer to cook for my husband, she was rejected flatly by my husband, my husband claimed that I will cook for him.
In the past, she seems to enjoy the process of taking care of my husband,cooking and washing for him, but now this responsibility being taken away by me, she turns sour.

I think its difficult to stay with pil, and it happens to alot of dils who find it tormenting staying with them.After all, dils are not biologically linked with pils, unless you are the nonchalant and bochap type, and you give all the power to them.

Yes, its very true that you cannot let two women share the kitchen, after all,everyone has different habits.

Milo on the rocks

I can tell you dils staying with pils conflcits are difficult to resolve, it not just happen to me, it happens to most women. What you preach about rectifying in laws problems is in fact a cliche advice given by friends and relatives, but still many dils tried practising them but all their efforts turn out to be a fiasco as the animosity and grudges are already deeply implanted in both parties brain and they only remember each other flaws vividly. After all, pils are not our biological parents and we dils are not their biological daughters, we cannot choose each other.

My animosity feelings with my mil is so deep, the many months of ticking bomb detonated recently, we told each other how miserable it was staying together, we had a shouting match, and now having cold war. I am very disillusioned with our relationship after dwelling in same abode for many years, I felt mentally exhausted, quarrel, patch, quarrel, like a repeated cycle, its not like patch already really bury the hatchet, no hard feelings, its just obligatory patching and make peace for the pretext of staying together in harmony, its like being compel to patch but the heart still bitter and sour.

I concluded that my relationship with my pil is beyond repair, beyond redemption. Now i resolute to treat them transparent, I dont want to talk to them, not even an eye contact, I am fine with it as i am trying to accustom to such aloofness naturally, the initial stage may be quite difficult, especially the first weeks after the altercation, but subsequent weeks when my anger subside, i hope it remains status quo, but for one thing i am sure that pil definitely cannot tolerate this behaviour, i wonder what antics they will come up again.
 
outcast wrote

Moral of the story is not to be better than your mil in everythings? However, if not as good she will complain that we are lousy, don't know anything...keke...left right we are not human...difficult...

Hmm...is there any positive story with pil to motivate us?

Where you gals learn to cook? Seem like cooking skill is quite important and it added to the spice of marriage life...sad to say my cooking skill is quite basic lei..."

Not as good, mil comlain, better than her, she also complain, isnt it obvious that mil is seriously biased and detest this dil?

Dont be an imbecile pleasing mil if you know she doesnt like you and biased towards you, by pleasing them only makes them despise you further.

And yes, cooking for husband really can bond the marriage better, as most husbands takes in appreciation when wife cooks for them. My mil can cook better than me, maybe her cooking taste a bit better than mine, but my husband prefers my cooking, and my mil green with jealousy.
 
Galileo, the case in Joo Chiat was about the family tragedy in Joo Chiat when the woman crept into the room with a chopper and slashed the neck of her bil and his wife. The wife was killed.

She murdered because of the growing resentment at home.
 
Oh...I didn't know so many gals here can cook so well, I thought is a long lost traits in singaporean women, I guess I am wrong and shall brush up my own cooking skill...
 
littlewoman, i did not pretend to know everything in the kitchen. tt is not necessary because i do acknowledge that it's her house and her kitchen. her main purpose is to hover and see what we are doing. lol.

it was funny until she took over everything...which defeats the purpose because my bf and i wanted to cook together.

cooking is one of the things we like to do together. anyway now, my bf knows how to handle her...he tells her to go watch tv and wait for food. and my bf's dad is co-operative to occupy her time in the meantime!

but i just can't help but think she's feeling territorial. i attribute that to being a housewife for many years.
 
"Years ago, I did tell her nicely that she often make sarcastic remarks on me which hurt my pride, she told me that all elderly folks are like this, is this true?" = I don't think that is true... though my mum and my MIL aren't that old yet, they aren't like this.

flyingstar: that might be a factor, a housewife takes care of the family and probably, they are / thinking that they are good with whipping up meals, thus, they don't fancy ppl using their kitchen. A feel whereby ppl is snatching their "rice bowls"?
 
Flyingstar, don't cook at other people's kitchen lah.

I like to cook alone unless the other person is equally good in cooking, and we team up. Otherwise, having a clueless person in the kitchen is totally pointless to me.
 
I can quite imagine the "territorial" bit. It can be the same with a person's car (though not everyone might feel that way) or a loungechair, etc. Some people just don't enjoy others using "their" stuff. Not that they don't allow, they just feel uncomfortable. So to the mum, her kitchen is "her" place.
 
Makta has a good point. I guess we are all sensitive n protective over things are mean alot to us. For housewives, they are at home all the time. So chances are they will grow attached to the kitchen n household chores, so they prefer to be left alone n have things done their way. Its impt to be more understanding n try not to create unnecc discomfort for them.

Its just like how some PILs might feel tat their position at home is threatened when a new person joins the family. So its impt to be gentle, careful n sincere as a new member of the family.
 
doll,
I like to cook alone unless the other person is equally good in cooking, and we team up

Or equally bad? mismatch in skill is ok what.. one can teach the other..
 
Sure, if the one who has bad cooking skills wants to learn. I was very eager to learn cooking and my housemate was very happy to teach and guide me in those good old days.
 
Not that they don't allow, they just feel uncomfortable = This can be quite true too... Realise that some of my friends who are an only child having such mentality at times.
 
cooking at my bf's place was his idea. coz he's sian of going out to eat. and his mom doesn't cook much already. so he was itching for home cooked food.

ya point taken, i will never cook at his place again la. i think we will indulge in our cooking escapades at my place instead. haha.
 
Doll: Are you the only child too? It might not applies to all, but I have friends, being the only child feeling uncomfortable when ppl touches their stuffs or using their "premises" Not that they do not allow, jus that they are not comfortable with the idea.
 
Galileo: I think probably compromies should be achieved, I mean no point arguing whose does it belong to, this jus put the husband in a difficult position?
 
LW, are you the only child? My parents have four children and I am No. 3. I am all for sharing and caring haha. Anyone can use my iPad, laptop, car, jewellries, books, etc. I only don't share the more personal stuff like shoes, towels, and clothes for hygiene reasons.

I like to cook alone with music on or with likeminded people like my sister. I avoid cooking totally at my mom's house (where I now live) because she nags constantly that I don't follow her style.
 
doll: I sound like I am speaking from experience? Haha... nope, I am not. But there is quite a gap between my young bro and me. I change quite a lot of my habits upon his arrival.. a few of my friends are like this though, thus I usually avoid going to their place on festive occasions.. I jus feel very 辛苦 to being senstive etc at his/her premises.

"she nags constantly that I don't follow her style." = My mum wun nag in a way but my mum will supervise and incorporating her ideas indirectly. keke
 
Galileo: I think ur character is too strong in the stubborn, not yielding n rough manner. Not good. In life, must learn to give n take, be more gentle n understanding. Then there will be peace n harmony. Respect the elders (regardless of whether u agree w them), cos chances are they are more fixed in their ways given their age. If the house is under ur hubby's name, share the kitchen w ur MIL if possible. If diff styles, then let ur MIL have ownership of the kitchen as respect.

Doll: Haha, my mum is like urs. She taught me how to cook when i was young. Now, she keeps nagging tat i'm not doing it right. Standard nags are 'fire too big', 'pour oil too early', 'put some salt', 'dun pour so much water for gravy', 'stirfry faster', 'hand not strong enough'. Can faints. I tell her dun disturb me la, not cooking for her to eat anyway. Hee. Otherwise, I try to cook when she's not at home. => Then she wont complain kitchen oily, nva close the bedroom door etc. But honestly, my mum's cooking is fantastic. I love canto style food. The only thing my mum is not gd at is desserts.
 
Evon, ironically, my cooking master isn't my mom. She wasn't keen to teach us because she didn't want us to use her kitchen. I learned cooking from my HK housemate when I was in Australia.
 
yup, i feel she's abit like those gangsters sitting in coffeeshop just waiting for a chance to be engaged in a fight, whether antagonized or not.
 
Evon Poon,

Nothing to do with my character being strong or not. And powder, I have never engage in a physical fight with any woman, you dont have to sound so sarcastic comparing me with gangsters at coffeeshop, this analogy is too exaggerating and ridiculous, and it does not mean I could not get along with pil meaning that I have a difficult character.

As i reiterate, staying with in law does not breed harmony but animosity, unless the dil is the docile, subservient and submissive and extremely good tempered type, which I am definitely not, and in this era, such woman is pretty rare.

I think its difficult to share kitchen with my mil, as she misinterpreted many of my actions like she put A here, which I think not appropriate and unhygienic and I put in B, and she got livid and put somewhere else. Every small little action I do will create a certain sensitivity and misunderstanding in her, its very obvious she wants me out of the kitchen.

I did not deliberately pick any fights with pil, most of the times, I just kept my cool, no point explaining to them anything as any explanation or clarification would complicate matters, but I lost my cool whenever they made sarcastic or crude remarks on me, antagonising me into altercation with them. So now I practised silence, dont talk is the best.
 
Galileo: Sigh, it has everything to do w ur character being overly strong. It is v unhealthy for u n ur r/ships w others. Powder is saying tat u seem to enjoy having bad relations w ur PILs n tat u keep complaining abt ur life, w/out seeing tat it is a vicious cycle tat u are creating for urself.

Ur thinking is most narrow-minded n childish, which is surprising for some1 who has been married for a few yrs. I am not the docile n submissive type, but I believe strongly in respecting my elders n giving my full sincerity n efforts to understand my bf's parents. They do say things tat discomfort me but I know tat they dun mean harm, just tat they are not so tactful in their words as i wld prefer them to be. I accept them for who they are n the behaviour tat they are used to. When my bf's mother is at home, I will help her w the cooking. I dun cook in her house when she is at home, unless she asks me to. At the end of the day, i respect tat she is proud n territorial abt her kitchen, so i am sensitive enough not to touch it w/out her permission. Sometimes, PILs are of a certain age alr (maybe 50+,60). So their thinking bit stubborn n they are used to taking care of the house in their way w/out realizing tat they are being picky. Dun hold it against them. My bf's mother cooks using 6times the oil i wld use at home. I can only pray tat my health doesnt suffer, but i appreciate tat she is cooking for me so i dun utter a word. Even if I were to eat her cooking everyday, i probably just drink more water, but i still enjoy her cooking n thank her for the food.

As chldn (DIL also half a child to PIL), we just give in more to the elders. Let there be harmony at home. I hope u can really reflect upon urself.
 
I think its difficult to share kitchen with my mil, as she misinterpreted many of my actions like she put A here, which I think not appropriate and unhygienic and I put in B, and she got livid and put somewhere else. Every small little action I do will create a certain sensitivity and misunderstanding in her, its very obvious she wants me out of the kitchen.

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Ur MIL might not feel that way, that's why it is a matter of living habits and perspectives. You don't like people to impose their ideas on you, same goes for your MIL. Why bother yourself with such petty stuffs whereby you could remember the happier times spent with them, this could well bring harmony and happiness to your HB and the family?
 
evon, let her rant. She will always think that she is right. If she learns and reflects, then its good for her. Else, so be it.
 


evon, let her rant. She will always think that she is right. If she learns and reflects, then its good for her. Else, so be it.
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"let her rant"?

why do you talk as if you own the forum. who are you to "let" anyone or ask anyone else to "let" anyone?

your tone is so patronising. just because you contributed 11,085 posts doesnt mean you own anything, ok?
 
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