Online Infidelity

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xiaoai

New Member
We have dated for 5 years before he proposed. I thought he was the ONE for me and so I accepted. He was honest yet mischeivous. Like any other couples, we got a hdb flat and did the renovations.

Never did I imagine in my whole life this is nothing but a big lie. 2 wks before we got rom, I discovered that he had a habit of calling sex chatlines. I was totally devastated. I began to peep into his email and realised he was into social networking websites. There were exchanges of msn accounts and hp nos for sex chats.

Hoping for a better change before marriage, I approached him and told him that I consider online infidelity as unfaithulness(but he did not know i have discovered his secrets) And he promised he would never do it.

I took the biggest gamble of my life and signed the rom papers. I was the most unhappy bride in the world.

One month into our marriage, he is still continuing with his cheating ways. On the other hand, I tried all ways and means to be a good wife while struggling with my agony and frustrations. He have also noticed that I become more suspicious of his every movement. He turn defensively and kept saying that I do not trust him. He complained that I'm too paranoid. But does he realise that he has harmed me with his cheating ways? No!! He is just a plain selfish guy who is very capable of cheating!

Now, I'm undecided how I should confront him and whether I can live with these injustices for the rest of my life. I can't imagine spending my life with so questions in my mind. I cant concentrate at work. I have no one to talk to. All the frustrations are building up in me and I feel so suffocating. I'm totally lost.
 


since you already mentioned you took the biggest gamble of your life and turned out it was a mistake, why complain now?
 
He sworn that he would never be unfaithful when I told him I can't tolerate any infidelity from him. I thought he deserved another chance. I just cant bring myself to believe that he would exploit and betray my trust.

Trust is built up over the years of love and experiences. It is never easy for a woman to entrust her lifelong happiness to a guy. I trusted that he would never betray me. I trusted that he will mend his ways. In the end, I got slapped by his cruelty.

Even though I made the biggest mistake to trust him, it is not an excuse for him to be unfaithful. No one in the world deserved to be cheated of their trust and feelings. I am a human not a robot devoid of feelings. My feelings are real. His unfaithfulness is tearing my heart apart.
 
i do think that u should draw the boundaries of what u consider as 'infidelity', and re-iterate to him... cos it sounds like u were hiding behind hints and assumptions when telling him these... u could have taken a more direct approach, perhaps letting him know what u know, instead of hiding it, then telling him and letting him tell u something u would never believe in the first place.

in a way it's a variation of entrapment, tho self-induced. if u dun think u can tolerate it, then dun. thing is, most of the times, it is the ladies who insist they cannot tolerate... who stay around the longest and going thru the vicious cycles.

the communication approach should be more direct, as opposed to 3rd party likes/dislikes... which is abit like the conversations we have whilst dating... U need to be abit more direct, else your mind would run all over with thoughts and u will be pretty paralysed with unhealthy thoughts.
 
Basic values and perception are contrasting. The writings are all on the wall... Frankly, to me, its not cheating either. But a marriage is between 2 persons where both needs maturity to handle it for common ground. If it is clearly conflicting, you know your answer. There is no one correct value for all to abide to. And your mistake isn't to trust him. The mistake is refusing to face the reality. This is the real him. If you cannot accept it, you cannot. It has nothing to do with your decision to trust.

Disclaimer... no need to challenge me on my own views and boundaries. I'm not the TS and let's help her with her issue.
 
Ya, agree with powder, you should just tell him straight that you have discover his 'secret affair' and let him know how you feel about the whole thing. Some guys cannot catch any hint one or they will try to denny it until you expose them..rather then making both so miserable. May be from this you can also learn about his 'dark desire or fantasy'...you can learn to talk dirty or role play with him to spice thing up abit...may be something is lacking in both of your sex life..are you those 'conservative' type..how is your sex life so far? Did you reject his advances? Some guys will go for other outlets if they are unable to satisfaction at home. I guess both of you did not have sex before marriage which cause him to be like that...may be he will change after he enjoy doing it with you since you all are newly married...
 
Disclaimer....no need to be so defensive with every remark. You are fat, ugly and have an overaged ass....let's help you with this issue.
 
You know, you really should have laid out all the cards with him before signing the papers. Your definition of infidelity could be different from his. Getting married is supposed to be a happy event and you end up being very unhappy because you chose to endure in silence and play the long-suffering heroine.

Anyways, what's done is done. If you want to save this marriage, then pls go talk to him. Seriously. And honestly.
 
your hubby sound like my ex who secretly go online dating site n know gals all over. Can u imagine,even when we are living together that time , he still has his ways to do all these and meet gals all over. We lived in USA and i got a part time job out of boredom,work only twice a week,. He would v punctually send and fetch me from work eventhough i can drive there myself, still make me feel he damn sweet to me. Later i know, while i at work, he was out dating woman.Even once lie to me he went on business trip to china 5 days when in fact he was driving to another state to meet some woman....

i wana share my tots that man who cheat will always cheat, will never change.. is like a habit.

What you should consider now is only "can u really live with this type of man for the REST of your life"....
 
go for marriage counselling. it will help. when communication break down, it is easier if there is someone experienced in such matters to mediate.
 
Marriage counselling is not a "cure-all" and I don't think it is relevant yet.

It all started on the wrong footing of not confronting him with the truths before the ROM. And without confronting the truths, it will be a series of denials ...

Now it has come to this stage, direct communication is required... it should not be beating around the bush.

I hate to say this but you created this situation yourself. By not laying all the cards in the open, you allowed him to wriggle his way out.. And he will continue to do so.

Not totally hopeless but you the issues need to be discussed in the open. He could be shocked into action and stop his nonsense or he could well continue.. either way, you will know where you stand..
 
agree no one should walk into ROM when they are still having doubts in their minds.

but no use crying over spilt milk. actually the hb has this mindset that what he is doing is correct so even if she argues until the cows come home, he will still think that there is nothing wrong.

maybe a third party can help them to have an open discussion and to tell the hb that what he is doing is an act of unfaithfulness. he may be more receptive if the words come from someone experienced who has seen and helped to repair many problematic marriages.
 
I don't think the hb is recognizing the problem, let alone will he agree to see a marriage counsellor or any third party.

Counselling is only useful if both parties recognized some problems in their marriage and is willing to resolve it.
 
Face the issue instead of doing all the small hints and getting upset suspecting and being paranoid.

The marriage is going down the drain, how worse can it get. Whatever you have been doing isn't working. Time to change the direction and approach.
 
I can only imagine things will turn very ugly if I talk to him about this. How should I handle if these are his reactions when I tell him that i discover his secrets.

His reaction 1: Keep denying n scold me that i'm paranoid then turn head and go away. Ignore me completely.

His reaction 2: Ask for forgiveness but only verbal. No sign of willingness to terminate his secret accounts. But then again he can happliy open new accounts without my knowing.
 
Xiao Ai,

If his reaction is 1., I think you can just leave him.

If his reaction is 2., at least he's trying...see if he's alright to come clean with passwords and all. A loving husband who had once cheated should give in to make the wife feel more secured. It has to be mutual. If you check on him, you ought to allow him to check on you as well. To the others who feel that a non-trusting relationship like this is really of no point, this is the only solution i can think of because already, trust between them is dilluting. After some time, when wounds are healed, then you may consider being more relaxed and begin to trust and accept him again.
 
xiaoai, u r living in self-denial. If its an issue you cannot accept, your simply cannot. So what if he is not going to behave cooperatively.

IF you want a solution, you must push for it. If you are here only to rant, then okie. Others can hear you... Feeling any better? Your problem will not go away.
 
To the men here, can you explain to us ladies why some men do what XiaoAi's hubby does?

It seems to me that this seems to be 'acceptable' kind of behaviour to some men. Why ?
 
Xiao Ai: Both 1 and 2 doesn't show that he is remorseful, so why not take a step back and ask what you want and can you bear with his actions, you have the answer do you?
 
snoopy, who defines what is acceptable? Not me... Neither for you... The point isn't to say something is acceptable by the general public and somehow TS or her partner needs to accept or conform to it. I knew somehow along the line some would start questioning about rights and morals. Values are very personal and subjective. What is acceptable to each individual can be very different. This is the point I'm trying to drive across here. No one is going to be very successful in working things with their partner by proving how morally righteous they are and how immoral or unacceptable their spouses are. Both are adults here, understand the grey areas and how we don't live perfect lives.

Every person is different. TS needs to realize just that. No point hoping that somehow he will become another person. Behind closed doors, many couples can have many unacceptable unique secrets of their own.

Its like saying affairs and swings are so common now, hence its okie to also engage in it. When you apply the same logic in the opposite direction, you realize how flawed this kind of stand is. We don't use our morals and values to force our partners to comply. We recognize and evaluate if they are even compatible. TS's husband could find someone else that is perfectly fine with his activities online. Even if the entire world thinks its totally scandalous.
 
More example... Some individuals would refused oral or anal sex while others view it as a basic necessity. Who is the correct one? Should it be expected?
 
Xiao Ai, doesn't your heart just feel like it's been stabbed a million times when you discovered this side of him which he has been hiding to you ?
 
Xiao Ai,
I think u need to ask urself if you still want to be with this man and if he is even worth it! Yes, you made a mistake...but to carry-on "suffering" is an even bigger mistake. You have to address this issue head on...let him know your threshold, what you can accept and what you cannot. If both can't agree, then perhaps parting may the better solution for the both of you.
 
May i ask what kind of thrills or satisfaction can a man get out of sex chatting? How can one share his sex desires or fantasies with so many total strangers when he is married? Why is there is a need to do such a thing? Out of boredom? Addiction?

I wish to know how can I help him to get out of the online infidelity. No point telling him that I know about his infidelity and wait for him to repent and blah blah. I wish to know how a man thinks in general. As a wife, I'm totally hurt and wounded by him but it takes two hands to clap. Something must be very wrong in our relationship that makes him go astray. How can a cheating husband be helped to mend his ways?

How can I help him to realise that infidelity is not the solution (if he find that our relationship is not exactly what he wants)? No use just letting him know my threshold and then set many rules to forbid him from doing things. I know humans in general resent being restricted and I dun wish manipulate him like a puppet.

Now, I dun want to talk to him about it yet when even I, myself, do not how to deal with it. Even if he admits when i talk to him, I dun want to throw him into the sea and struggle alone. I want to know where can I get and what kind of buoy can save our marriage.

Any advice to help?
 
Xiao ai, do you discuss any sexual fantasies with ur hubby? Do you all watch porn together? How open and experimental are you when it comes to sex? For example, he's into sex chats...have u ever had phone sex with him or you'll feel inhibited and crazy to do that? I think you need to ask yourself these questions before you can proceed further. I'm not suggesting that you start transforming yourself into a sex kitten but perhaps you can communicate with him along this line once you figure out what's your comfort zone.

Though I'm not a man...in my opinion, men stray because of two reasons:
1. It's in their blood and no matter how pretty or sexy you are, they want variety.
2. He's not satisfied with his sex life currently and rather go online..not sure if he's met up with any of these women he chatted with though..if he didn't, at least it means he knows where to draw the line. If he does, then I think it's not about how you attract him in bed again but how you want to communicate this problem with him.
 
give him more sex than he needs. every morning before u go to work, have sex with him. when he is satisfied, less chances of him calling those chatlines. why waste money to call when he can have the real thing?

if he is normally a good man, as in responsible and cares for u apart from this "hobby", i tink u can tell him that u know this is going on and tell him that u feel hurt by the betrayal of trust and u want him to stop doing it.

but if he is actually not a good man, in the sense that besides this problem, u also had other issues with him, e.g. he two timed u before by having a physical affair, then u must be prepared that his infidelity is not bcoz of something lacking in ur marriage but bcoz of his own character flaw. if he is a serial philanderer, even if u tell him u noe what is going on, it won't change things.

but no point second-guessing ur hb's reaction on this forum. u juz have to tell him to find out. the more u try to avoid confrontation with him, the more it's going to break down ur marriage.
 
Unless he is a serious case of sexual addiction, otherwise there is no reason why it cannot be stopped.

Look at your marriage life - what is missing? Is he too free that he is bored with his life? Or is he too stressed with work?

Sometimes such sex line chats are just out of habits. And you should let him know that you already know about his exploits and is not accepting them. If you continue to act blur, he too will.
 
"Something must be very wrong in our relationship that makes him go astray" = Did the closeness between the 2 of you sorta of decrease over the 5 yrs?
 
"How can one share his sex desires or fantasies with so many total strangers when he is married?"

Does being married change anything frankly? If he is into sex chats all these while, being married isn't going to change it. Guys engaged in porn and vices primarily for the sexual excitement and gratification. It provides variety. I don't think its necessary something wrong with the relationship or marriage. Just as how many married or people in sexual relationship do still masturbate. The fact that its an anonymous voice over the other side of the line may leave much to imagine and fantasize about. Personally, I never see the trill of making paid sex calls. But, always fun and entertaining if such services are for free and no strings attached. And its not even a gender thing. Women could also have similar virtual fun.

The line is somewhat grey between what one can tolerate and accept. Some varierty is normal as long as its within the comfort level of both parties. The issue here isn't the sex chat itself but the conflicting values. Talk to him and explain how it is hurtful to you. Work something out. I think you still don't get it, to you, he is a cheating husband. To him, he isn't. Its just a call to get horny over some vitual sex. Would touching himself while fantasizing or watching porn be cheating to you as well? This term astray is only in your definition and very likely he isn't sharing that same view as you.

Just a question for all... what do you think about online video chat then? Where a performer does what the customer requests? Similar to a live show but thr online. And how about strip bar? Thai girl show etc?
 
Virtual fun and fantasy is ok with me. Mental fantazy and porn watching is ok too. As long as the party of your fantasy is an unknown person.

The boundaries would be crossed when you engage another live (known) person over email, chat, phone and then meet up with the person to do sex things (petting, kissing, etc and sex). Don't argue over the degree of 'knowing' (ie; whether nickname, fictitious name etc). As long as there is a relationship built with this other person discussing things you normally should with your spouse, then you have betrayed the trust of a spouse.

That's completely unacceptable.
 
to some, sex is so personal that it should only be talked about with their partners. While, another person might be pretty open about his/her sexuality.

I agree that when it becomes more than just a sex chat but some sort of friendship, it becomes very sensitive and naturally hurtful to most. But, is it cheating or unfaithfulness? What if someone befriends KTV gals over biz entertainments? The line at any relationship built is actually in itself quite subjective to situation and the individuals involved.
 
Xiao Ai: I'm sorry to say tis but i think its impt to play the devil's advocate to be most realistic n mean, even if it means giving u a slap on ur face. Personally I feel tat u shd speak to ur hubby on tis directly. No pt to beat ard the bush n try to improve on ur sex life n marriage.

Pple do the same things for v different reasons. If u really want to know y ur hubby calls sex chatlines, then u shd ask him. U mentioned tat a few yrs ago, u found out his habit n in a v general indirect manner, u told him tat u consider online infidelity as unfaithfulness. Based on his actions now, either he didnt get ur pt or he doesnt bother whether he is being unfaithful to u or not or he doesnt agree w u tat online infidelity is unfaithfulness. Maybe to him, sex chat is nothing. Unless its physical sex itself. Even then, so long as u dun find out, y wld he care? Esp when u nva had a honest direct talk w him.

U want to 'help him get out of online infidelity'. Wat makes u think he wants or needs ur 'help'? Who are u to 'help' him when he is v hapi w it? U are not him nor a qualified sex counsellor. If u are confused n dun know how to deal w it, then all the more u shd speak w him honestly n hear wat he has to see. Dun bother to guess his reaction. Let him tell u wat he wants n whether he treasures tis marriage. If yes, then he must show concrete action. Not so much of u setting restrictions. If no, then if he doesnt want tis marriage anymore, wats the pt of u holding on?

Let me put tis to u as a possible scenario:
1) If ur hubby is ONLY using sex chat lines now n has not had physical sex w another woman, then u speaking to him honestly may wake him up to the risk of him breaking up his own marriage. If he really loves u, he will consider to stop his sex chats n will nva have the chance to develop into having sex w another woman.
2) If ur hubby is a frequent user of sex chat lines n has had physical sex w other women, then u speaking to him honestly may allow him to stop his actions.

We all have our own morals n views in life. Every1's level of acceptance is different. If u are comfortable w him continuing his behaviour n maybe having sex w other women n enjoying it, while coming home to have sex w u, then u can keep silent about wat u have found out. U spicing up ur sex life may either be rejected by him or he will enjoy it since it is free sex. If u genuinely cannot accept his behaviour, then it is high time to speak w him.
 
Hi Evon,

I hope I wont be sounding one sided from my opinion. I think guys are always like that. I too like to go to those porn sites and even did some cybersex thing before. Yes i know it's not right but I think your husband is borderline or threading the fine line between adultery and fetish.... My wife knew my adult site habits and she's ok with it as long as I don’t do cyber chat or phone sex. So my advice to you is try to talk to him again and give him boundaries like do's and dont's.

i think you can’t stop you husband from his habit I believed before you met him he's already like that... instead of totally asking him to stop it just try to trim it.... just like what me and my wife did. Marrying someone means accepting what he/she is but there are time we need to change to make the relationship works but try not to break the branch of the tree maybe trim it a bit will do.
 
Albert: Haha, dun anyhow use my name. Scary. For a minute i was confused. I'm not married yet. => Hmm, maybe u can give Xiao Ai a concrete suggestion. How shd she go about to speak w her husband abt the issue? If she cannot accept her husband going on sex chat lines n cybersex, then trimming it may not be of use cos she will still be unhapi.

For u, I am guessing it has nothing to do w whether u are having satisfactory sex w ur wife? Sorry, dun mean to be rude. But its just Xiao Ai's qn about y her hubby goes for sex chat lines. It could be a fetish or habit or the guy having a fantasy to enter another world n be a different person?
 
Hi Evon,

So sorry about that wrong name used my bad.

Hmmm for my case I would say yes and no... I have a bit f high urge than my wife (well I guess all men do hehe) But before I met my wife I am kinda interested in porn maybe because I was intro to this by my elder cousins.

For Xiao Ai since she already knew about her husband fetish or habits and I think she had spoken to him before about it. Why not strike a deal with him try to talk to him again seriously. For me as long as her hubby doesn’t commit the actual act (sex) it still not yet that bad could still be settled but if the hubby already going to geylang etc and meeting up those he has cybersex with then it's another story. For my case it's just online no physical contacts nor meet ups I very shy mah hehe

To me there's nothing a good mature talks couldnt settle or solve provided both parties are willing to listen and compromise.
 
Just to add also....

Xioa Ai

All of us before we get married had our own personality it's hard for us to just stop on a dime and give up those old habits or attitudes we have so like I said it's better to slowly trim or limit those things you dont like with your hubby but dont expect instant solution it'll take time for him to slowly let it go.

Maybe understanding why in the 1st place he goes to those adult chatline etc and understand the reason maybe you could find a solution... Like they say now the root cause of the problem before solving it
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and like I said the two of you need to talk it out.

remember in all relationship TRUST should be at most priority or at the top of your list... lose this you'll lose your relationship. Help your hubby rather condemn him if you really love him you'll try to work it out 1st before ending it.

hope this helps
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A lot of men ignore this respect after few years of marriage. It's so easy to find a female friend with benefits online. But men also need to know that this is where all the STD and diseases get transmitted.
 
Snoopy Tan

ouch hehe well i still do respect my wife but I still go to porn sites although no more chatting and cyber sex like the earlier years....
 
i didn't know STD is spread through online or phone chats. LMAO!

We see where this is heading... coming to the conclusion that an adultery has already or going to occur.
 
@ Milo

Lolz
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well adultery to others includes cybersex or just mere talking dirty to someone via phone or computers, others it needs the actual physical act of two bodies joining to one :P
 
Sorry.. what I meant was:
It's easy for men to find a female friend online and then proceed to adultery and sex acts, then get STD.

I heard of many cases where the men (in my neighbourhood & company staff) met nice looking girls/women and thought they were clean. In the end, they find out they get infections, STDs and have to bring their wives to go check up also.

So shameful.
 
@ snoopy Tan

thats why you need to protect yourself, even for ladies when meeting someone from internet or those you met in the bar must use condom always until you confirm he/she is really clean.

good things I'm not good looking guy so i cant hook up ladies hahaha so I'm a bit safe from STD lols
 
Always insist on condom. No 2 ways. How you know someone is clean? Unless they produce a medical cert? And they have to produce 2 certs at 3 months interval?
 
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