My emotional mother-in-law...

C

cherry_freesia

New Member
need advice here as i have a very emotional MIL. she is a very, very nice MIL compared to some of the "horror stories" i have read of in this forum. some of the things she will do for my hubby and i are:

- buying us tonics once in a while
- will remember us when she shops for grocery, eg. buy us detergent, shower foams, shampoos, toilet rolls etc.
- buy us lots of tidbits and biscuits on and off.
- helps us with laundry even though we are not living with her.

the problem is, sometimes we really DO NOT NEED the above stuff, yet she will INSIST on doing it! if we do not allow her, she would sometimes go home and cry and call hubby to scold/complain to him. for example..

not long ago on a sunday morning, she dropped by our house and saw that our dirty clothes are still in the laundry basket. she asked me if i needed her to bring back to wash and iron and then bring back for us. i told her we could do that ourselves; no need to trouble her, as she has knee problems and walking/standing for too long hurts her. as usual, she insisted and brought the load home even though hubby also told her not to, till the point he got kinda frustrated but let her have her way in the end. later in the evening, hubby was looking for his favourite shirt and pants as he has an important meeting the next day and he wanted to wear them. i told him they were taken by MIL. he was angry and started ranting why did she take the clothes when we told her we would wash them ourselves. he called her and after a rather heated exchange, hung up. after 5 minutes, MIL called, crying on the other line. i had to pacify her and hubby had to apologize to stop her crying.

another occasion... yesterday, hubby and i dropped off some stuff at MIL's place. i went up to the flat with her while hubby waited in the car. MIL took out several LARGE bottles of CNY cookies, crackers etc. and asked me to bring some back. (just last week, she already brought tons of stuff over - 2 cartons of canned/packet drinks, few containers of CNY goodies, 1 box bak gua, 1 HUGE WHOLESALE bag of prawn crackers, half wholesale bag of another sort of crackers and 1 large container of love letters) it was very nice of her, but it was TOO MUCH! i told her no, that what she gave last week was more than enough, as we don't really have THAT many people coming for visitations and our offices already have too much CNY goodies to finish! AS USUAL, she insisted, saying that my hubby loves them. i told her very nicely but firmly, no again, and that hubby ate too much junk food and woke up having tummy ache and vomited last week. she still insisted, saying, "but my boy likes them"! so i gave in, and took just 1 small container of cookies out of the 7 containers. she was deeply unhappy. when hubby and i got home, she called hubby and cried. my hubby had to pacify her and i had to call and apologize. because of this my hubby and i had a huge row. the best thing was you know what? when i called MIL to apologize she was very cool about it and said, "nevermind lor, next time don't want to take just tell me, i am okay one. i know both of you cannot finish so many things." sigh...

there were so many other times when she and FIL would literally go on a shopping spree and buy back all sorts of cookies, prunes, sour plums, crackers, what-nots and have FIL drop them off at our place. we have enough crackers/cookies at home to not just feed an army, but to BURY an army! i think they are really sweet, but MIL's generosity is seriously in overkill. we have no kids now, and are planning on having a baby, but i can totally imagine MIL giving baby all junk food just because she thinks "but the baby likes it" and will cry if i tell her not to or insist that it is better if we stick to milk and simple cereals.

please tell me how to deal with this..
 


Is your hubby the only child, or only son? Maybe your MIL is feeling "lost" or has a vacuum to fill, after your hubby moved out...so now she is trying to find ways to remain "useful" to him...

Maybe?
 
Haha! This is really funny yet ironic.. there are MILs out there whom we yearn to have around and to get a fraction of some attention out of them but here you have a MIL who pours in the emotions 10 MILs added together!! How I wish mine could be just abit like yours.. well, but I understand the frustration... too much or too little of anything adds up to the same-unhappiness...
 
yah, hubby is the only son. he has a younger sister whom nobody seems to like in the family. she threw a humongous tantrum when we were visiting relatives for reunion dinner and lashed out and punched hubby. to my FIL and MIL, hubby is like their "only son".

we also recognized that she's bound to shower more care and concern towards hubby, esp since we've just moved out less than a year. but we have never made her feel "useless" in any aspect, not consciously anyway. when we need help, we will really ask. it is when we feel she is overdoing things when we do our best to be gentle in turning her down. she just can't help feeling upset! and some of the things she does simply make things worse... like for example, if we tell her not to lock the window grilles at our place, she will still do it because she thought is it safer and will end up misplacing the key. FIL and hubby will scold her and she will cry and say we are all against her when she just wanted to help.
 
Lya, trust me, we love her! i just wish that she would stop and think sometimes if she is overdoing things or not. she does all these out of love for hubby and i, not knowing that we could be greatly inconvenienced. hubby, being a man, can get a little insensitive and take her for granted (she's been at his "beck and call" since he was a baby), and that's when MIL will cry and complain. SIGH...
 
It could be abit tough handling such a MIL, especially when she's not bad after all yet causing hindrance and annoyance.. Being the emotional and presumably good hearted sort, she would get easily hurt.. no choice but to play along with her and slowly and subtly give her hints on not needing the extreme kindness she shows...
 
Freesia,
Your MIL is overly protective and overly showering too much care & concern. Quite extreme too as she also get overly emotional at the same time. Wow, this is a unique case. Moreover you guys already shifted out yet she still wish to run so much errands and at the same time want appreciation too.

Headache..she's sooooo helpful in so many ways. Tough to handle. I will faint too if i were u. But at least your husband will reject her if she overdoing it. Its kind of sad for your mum but this is the way to make her know what is reality. This is some kind of mentality issue. You guys are trying to be independent yet she comes along and want to pave the path for your husband instead.

If baby coming along, it is hard to imagine what else she will do.
 
Freesia: Ur MIL can't bear to let go of her son and still coop in her mindset that her son is still a little boy... Which indeed most MIL feels that way...
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She would have fear that her son is not under a good care and thus, trying to do as much as possible for him? Will it helps if you get FIL to speak to her?
 
Yes, I agree this is the inability to let go. The tears are an emotional blackmail. This is an issue that only your MIL can deal with herself, she may not even be aware of it.

Someone once said, "Treat your children as leasehold property and your spouse as freehold property". This is a concept quite alien to many of our parents' generation.

Your MIL needs to have a live of her own. I don't know whether it helps if you guys encourage her to have more social activities of her own. Does she have a hobby? Sign her up for more social activities.
 
Fressia: does your MIL has a circle of friends who she can talk to, go shopping with? if yes, it might helps in the situation...
 
you say your mil and fil go on shopping spree and bought a lot of things for you right, maybe can try telling your fil that you and your hubby cannot finish, so that next time when he go shopping with your mil he can stop her from buying too much. i think if she never buy, then she cannot give you so many things lo...

as for other things, have to slowly see what are the creative solutions...to make your mil realise that she's overboard without making her cry...
 
flowerygal, i also wondering what else will she do if a baby comes along.. actually i just found out last night that i am pregnant! hubby said don't tell MIL yet. scared later she over react or offer even more help to do laundry, mop floor etc.

littlewoman, my MIL still calls hubby her "bao bei er zi", so i am VERY certain she still treats him like a child. she will always reminisce about him being a little boy and all that. i believe FIL talked to her before, but i guess she still can't bear to let go and let us be independent. hubby always reassures her that he is doing well, coping well and enjoy independent, married life with me. besides, we meet her like one or twice a week for meals too! sometimes FIL will tell her in front of us that if we don't want certain things, don't force us to take. this usually leads to her giving a black face until hubby cheers her up.

Faith, if i am not wrong, i think my MIL is going through menopause right now. just last week i heard her complaining about hot flushes and missing period this month and her mood can go from very good to very bad in a split second. but i'm not sure if this mood swing is due to menopause so don't dare to suggest that she sees a doctor or go for therapy. she does have a bunch of friends (heartland uncles and aunties) she meets with everyday. they always "organize" shopping outings, visit temples etc. but MIL seldom go lately because her knees hurts her.

think for now, hubby and i will try to give in as much as we can, for as long as we can. she really does a lot for us. just that it's too much and it's suffocating us sometimes. i just wish i can say "no" without upsetting her in anyway. anyone has experience in saying a firm but well-meaning "no" without upsetting the other party? haha!
 
How old is your MIL? It could be and the mood swings could be rather bad... Try to pamper her by saying: Mum, ur knee hurt, so cannot mop the floor for us, what goes around comes around de... I dun want to be mopping for my kids in the future...
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flyingstar, we tried what you suggested. FIL is still working, sometimes on shift duty and won't go shopping with MIL much. so MIL will occasionally tag along with her sister to JB. they will drive there and like typical singaporeans, shop for groceries. that is when she will buy tons of stuff back for us. i had to resort to secretly dumping some of those super unhealthy snacks when hubby is not looking/around.

we've also tried telling MIL not to buy us stuff anymore, at least for that couple of months. she will remember for a while and just when the "goods" at home starts to deplete and she hears hubby telling me it's time to go grocery shopping, she will start buying again.

this is so embarrassing to say, but like our toilet rolls at home, they can last us till June at least and few days ago she asked me if she can give me more. my storeroom has no more space for them, and i don't even LIKE that brand of toilet rolls! they are so rough and scratchy. i want to buy my own kleenex and paseo rolls, but i can't out-use what she buys!! just wanna cry and laugh at the same time thinking about this.
 
Freesia, looks like your MIL is going through menopause. This, plus her inability to let go of her son, makes it a lethal combination.

You can also keep the stuff that she buys for you (since telling her not to is useless) and then, months later, "return" them to her by volunteering to do the grocery shopping for her.

Alternatively, donate them to poor families. I used to belong to the St Vincent De Paul Society run by the Catholic church. They offer food rations and daily necessities for poor families once a month.
 
hi Freesia..my mum also sama like ur MIL..

she always like to help my bro and dao sao stock up their food..my bro also stomach nt gd..very weak..but i just asked him to take..he wants to throw or give away also can..just to stop my mum from nagging etc

watever things i gave my mum..she gives to them..

my MIL also like to give things etc to her overseas daughter when's she back..

i think it's their generation ba..haha..

if nt next time u write dwn ur shopping list for her ah..see wat u need since she's so helpful..

if u dont need and she still buy..then take ba..or bring to ofc to distribute..

i think no choice coz only son also..
 
Faith, that's a good suggestion! my SIL volunteers at some old folk's home occasionally. can donate those with longer shelve life.
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Chris, i thought my MIL is one in a million, your mum also like that. haha! does she buy all the unhealthy stuff like my MIL? she luuurrves things like prawn crackers lah, choco cookies lah (in those big aluminium tins), love letters lah... i feel "fat" just thinking about all the junk! and yes, nowadays i try to bring to work as much as possible... my dining table is large enough to accomodate 8 pax, but now it is totally covered with CNY things.
 
my hubby loves junk food. when he was still staying with his parents, MIL would buy him all the things he loves and encourage him to eat on his bed while enjoying tv in the room or snack while using computer. that's how pampered he was. MIL still don't know that she's "killing" her son slowly by encouraging such eating habits.
 
frescia

u shd learn how to talk to ur MIL
it's quite obvious that u have not been positively communicating your thoughts to her
 
really? you have any tips? last sunday my parents went to MIL's place to bai nian. MIL offered my mum some new year cookies and soft drinks. my mum doesn't eat much of such foods at all, and gave the excuse that she was really full from the dinner. but my MIL was very insistent, wouldn't take no for an answer. my mum had to give in to her and eat something although she really did not want to. it certainly was funny to watch!
 
How abt u just stock up everything tt she gave u in a corner of e living room n not touch/keep them hidden at all? By clearing them all e time u r indirectly telling her tt it's not too much cuz u hv e ability to clear them. So practise reverse psychology by allowing her to see e massive stuff tt she has brought over, tt it's really too much.

Seeing is believing ma.
 
It seems to be a good idea...
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or tell her that ya: recently having sore throat, by eating the goodies, too much but didn't want to waste it too?
 
Alternatively, tell her the exact brand names of all the stuff that you prefer (eg kleenex or paseo toilet paper) so tt even if she stock up too much for you, you have exactly what you want. ;)
 
Freesia,

the 1st step to take is to talk to her abt herself.. for eg. get to know her and don't touch on sensitive topics yet
then you can tell her about yourself and subtly say that u dislike some things (she did)

try to bridge ur thoughts to her and when she commit mistakes again, tell her that u already told her u dont like it.. and suggest why not the both of u go together to buy other stuff instead? like what others are saying, play a bigger role in the procurement of whatever she plans to give you guys.

its not easy but u have to try. she's old and definitely need your guidance.
 
thanks all, for the tips.

breakingfree, I have been laying out all the stuff on my dining table, hopefully she will and be "amazed" by the quantity of food for just 2 person. my dining table is big enough to sit 8-10 pax. now with all the junk food, hubby and i just eat at the sofa. we are too lazy to shift those things.

littlewoman, now i am using the excuse that i am pregnant to get her to stop buying junk food. do you know that huge bag of prawn crackers is still sitting on the table like an oversized bolster and no one has touched it? i get morning sickness nowadays and can't bear to see the crackers, much less repacking them into smaller containers. think i will just let them sit or ask hubby to bring to work.

hoddioo, my MIL and i are actually very close. she will share with me her relationship woes with her own MIL, and problems with her daughter (my SIL) too. she knows what i don't like, for we have gone through this several times. she's really a sweet lady, just overdoing things sometimes.

i have also talked to my mum abt this and she too says just give in to my MIL lor. if buying things makes her happy then so be it. but i will talk to her again this weekend when we have dinner and explain things to her nicely again. hubby and i have decided that if she still insists on doing things her way, we will just give in rather than make her cry. after all she is showing her love even if overdoing it.
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Bring all the junk to my place. I help u to clear them.. keke.. joke aside.

I think u should pass some of the food to your friends/relatives, etc. in order not to waste them before the expiry date. To me, all cost $$. Don't waste.
 
Freesia,

When someone gets old, it's hard to really expect her to behave perfectly and especially in this case, it is her overwhelming desire to do good and get involved. you should be happy because a lot of people's MIL don't even do anything and expect everything.
 
littlewoman, yes, i am really preggers. i won't pull such a cruel joke on my MIL lah.
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bluemoon, yeah I am trying to pass some to my office colleagues and my parents. that's the only way for now!
 
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