My current, my ex

R

rene3

Member
I got to know A when we were in Sec 1. And soon we got together. But one misunderstanding destroyed the relationship. I thought he was unfaithful to me. So I decided to break off with him.

Ard 3yrs later, I found out from one friend that it was a misunderstanding. I tried to hint him if we can patchback and our friend helped to ask if we can patchback, his answer was 'We aren't together in the 1st place, how to patchback.'. Knowing that, it really break my heart. So all these years, I dare not talk to him.

After we completed our O-level, he went to JC while I goes to poly. We did meet up in a few gatherings but he din really talk to me.
Now that I have a bf(let's named him B). He was caring,patient,great sense of humour,etc. We were working in the same company.But a year after we got together, he went to study aboard despite the agreement b4 the start of this relationship. I was heart-broken.

When he was studying overseas, there is this guy C going after me. I nearly broke off with B. During that period, B proposed on the phone and I accepted. But since he is back(he never proposed again). I mean I told him I need a face-to-face proposal when he comes back.

Now that B is back, in workforce, he spend most of his time working. Almost 12 to 14hrs in normal days and sometime 16 to 20hrs. And we always quarrel abt his job. There is once we had a bad arguement that I told him to choose btn me or his job, he chose his job. But later that day, he apologised saying that he shouldn't had said that. Till this very day, he is still in that job.

We had discussed abt marriage and we had sort of fixed it end of this yr. But it seems like he is not interested in the preparation. And we had applied for a HDB flat but when signning the agreement, B got cold feet. I don't denied that even till now I still blamed B on this. But how can I not be angry? It's like we were there and it's our turn that he told me mayb we should think twice.Now conversations with him is extremely boring and he has become very insensitive abt my feelings. And we had been quarrelling every alternate days.

Recently, we went for a gathering. A was there. Somehow the feelings of A comes back. During these yrs, I had been in a number of relationships but A is never out of my mind. I don't know what should I do cos I still have feeling for A but B and I had been thru so many ups and downs. I had tried to reslove issues with B but after some time he jus do things like we never had the talks.

If I will to marry B, definitely I will get A out of my mind. But how do I do that? In the 1st place, I'm not sure if B is really serious abt getting married.

But if I contact A, I feel that I had done B wrong. So any advice what should I do next?
 


you got to adjust your mentality ..

your brain is not a harddisc.. it doenst mean that marrying B , ur brain can give u a warranty that A will be formatted ..

seriously . i can just see that you just wan to lead a loving life and showing off to others .without any consideration of other ppl feelings and tots ...

btw . wat for mention C in the first place .. he hold no stand in any part of your scenario ..
 
does A even have feelings for you? you seem to think the world revolves around you...B is right to want to establish his career...
 
irene, sorry to sound condescending but are you even mature enough to be handling a relationship, let alone a marriage? a relationship does not evolve around just one person, it involves two.

let's rate A as your first love, your puppy love ok. of course you will carry a soft spot for him .. i know i still do for some people who have come and gone from my life but my no. 1 is still my husband.

now with B, situations can change. if it's for his benefit, why would you want to refrain him from going overseas to study? this situation is not unique just to you .. btw, this was when you were dating him, not married - i know someone who's married but lived in separate continents from her husband, it still worked out because they put in the effort.

i don't blame B if he has cold feet with marriage because you are very clingy eh, girl .. better you find someone who's in a 8-5 or 9-6 job, if you cannot handle his working hours. my husband also works long hours, which occasionally irritates me but i know his job pays the bills (i'm working too, btw) and i accept that. he also goes overseas for work, leaving me to care for 2 small kids - a week after i gave birth to no. 2 via c-section, he went away for work trip for 3 weeks though he came back on weekends to help out. imagine how tiring it is for both of us, but we compromised and worked things out together.

right now, i don't see you communicating with B .. instead i just see that you want him to behave or do things YOUR way.

what makes you think A might want you back or that B might not leave you in the end? i think it's time you take a long hard look at yourself first.
 
Hi irene

you definitely are not B's type, probably for many other guys as well. So, go ahead and contact A if you want, but don't be too hopeful abt the outcome.
Don't mind my honesty so far..... and erm, I expect B to talk to you soon.
 
You are not ready for a relationship from what I read here girl, much less marriage.

Try to put yourself in others' shoes and think again instead of being so self-centred. The world does not revolve around you and never will be.
 
hi Irene..
Since u have decided to be B.. i guess u should have forgot A long ago.. after all its been many yrs n even if u still have feeling for A, it doesnt means tt A feels the same.. n A did not say anyting about getting back together..

as for B.. i guess u should let him tink about it too.. even though its abit hurtful when he backout last min in getting flat..but den marriage is a lifetime commitment.. i'm sure both of u will wan to have longlasting marriage instead of getting divorce in end to realise that ur marriage was an implusive 1..

n lastly, i tink u & B should have a good talk if e both of u r planning ur future.. do try to understand n share point of u in each other's stand..
 
Hi Qwerty,
b4 making comments, have the thought of C coming into the picture, actually 'push' B into proposing? That's my concern.

Hi cuclainne,
I agree with u that in a relationship, it involves 2 persons. And by entering into a marriage, my 1st piority will be my hubby and no other guy.
I had no confidence in overseas relationships. I had witnessed so many of my friends who they themselves or their partners go overseas and the relationship jus din work out well. Before B went overseas, he told me that if I happened to meet other better guys, I jus need to tell him. And he hopes that same apply for him. How can I feel secure when my bf say that?
As for B's working hr, I'm ok with long working hrs as I myself work long hrs. But I'm not ok when most of the time I called him, he will tell me he is busy. Then if we happened to chat at night, he told me he was chatting with his colleagues. I'm not ok when he complained that his working hrs are too long and he needs to sleep in on weekends and wants me to go his place and do nothing. I'm not ok when I took great pain to arrange my parents and him to have dinner and he is always late and had to rush back to work after dinner. I'm also not ok when both our parents voiced out their concern if his working hrs will be like that after marriage and he simply ignored them. I tried to talk to him abt this. But he always tell me to give him more time as things will settle down and I had waited for a year.
It's not that I did not try hard to maintain this relationship. I tried to make an effort to meet him for lunch since we can't meet for dinner. What I get is... I called him to arrange if he has time to go for lunch, he said that he wants a quick one so mayb not for that day. But later, he told me that he went for a more than 1.5hr lunch with his friends.
Working long hr doesn't mean that you don't care abt your loved ones. There are so many times he works 40hrs in 2 days. Now he no longer care abt his family cos he doesn't have time to know wat's going on in his family. But do u know that the B that I know used to be a very family oriented person. It really breaks my heart to see the change.

Hi Happyfairlady,
Thanks for your advice. We had arranged to have a talk on this this weekend.
 
It is important that there is communication in a relationship. Hence it is better that you and B sort things out before marriage.
Seems that B has changed after he started work... any reasons why?
 
This might seem a little irrelevant but I think the same concept applies in your case.

Recently I met up with my ex-disciple group leader who told me that she also recently met up with some of her former disciples who have graduated and started working. She said she was sad to see that a number of them had lost focus on God and was telling her they'd decided to go to church once a fortnight instead of weekly. She was saying that when some people start working, the possibilities of making as much money as you can can be very tempting and so they lose focus on what was originally important to them.

In your case, he probably started working and lost focus on family. But then again...you also gotta look at things in context. Maybe he's working very hard cos of the recession now and if you were to ask him to quit that job and find another one, it's gonna be quite difficult to find another job at this point in time.
 
Irene,
$$$ doesn't fall from the sky! Setting up a family (wedding, house, renov etc) cost a bomb. Any man with sense of responsibility will start to feel the pressure to strive and excel in his career so that he can provide for his family. Plus now there's the recession.

I can see that there's communication problem in your r/s. Hope you will discuss your concerns out nicely with your Bf. Stop wasting time thinking about the guys in the past, focusing on your present Bf is more important ;)
 
irene, i think your boyfriend was just being practical when he said that before he went overseas. i was in a LDR with my husband before we got married. in between, there have been times when i wondered why we even bothered to keep up the relationship when i'm here and he's there but we were determined to make things work and it did.

Girl, let me tell you that my husband is the same - during the normal work day, i'd be lucky to get a call, maybe a few smses. the only sure-fire way of communicating with him is through email. most of the times he'll be in meetings, meeting clients or talking to his colleagues about work. even if we do speak, it's just a quick how's things, how's kids and that's it. but we went into this with both eyes open and understood what we have accepted - we cope.

i think you both need to communicate about what is important to you and see the best way to compromise. there's no sense in you giving in but then feeling remorse or upset later on .. since you're not married yet, it's best that you iron out these issues first and see how best to go from there.
 
Irene, some advice for you for this wkend's showdown.....

- don't criticise his job scope
- tell him nicely that you hope to spend more 'dating time' with him, but don't pressurise.
- don't pick on small details, like that silly lunch hour thingy...
- lastly, don't victimise yourself by repeatedly harping that 'your heart is broken', 'he doesn't care abt his love ones, 'he is a changed man' etc.... it will not help in your cause.

Good luck...
 
just to share from a guy's perspective...

gfren wants to marry, & i wanna marry her... so i look at the financials of the whole process including the housing, and honestly - i get royally-depressed. looking at my bank account with 6k after 3yrs of work, i wonder how i'll ever amass 60k. only 1 solution, work hard & quicken the process & savings... perhaps put aside $10 for 4D each week.

in the midst of working hard & taking on more roles, i sorta became indispensible around the office but the income also went up and the prospects went beyond my expectations... more time spent in office as the financial targets spurned by the motivation to getting married n starting a family was materialising in a shorter span...

less time with gfren tho... she'll meet guys who have lotsa time for her, make her feel wanted, make her feel good. obviously they would seem better choices... (the guy who wanted to marry her is lost in his quest). the girl decides that she's less impt to me, whilst other guys seem more interested. so i end up 5yrs later ready to marry, build a home and without the girl.

this happens i guess... but that's life. so i married someone when i'm prepared 5yrs later today... whilst my ex-gfren marries some guy who had lotsa time for her, but now as a husband - he is going thru wat i went thru 5yrs ago... - he is now the missing husband. tat's life...

i prefer to be the missing bfren, the bachelor guy building finances... than the missing husband building finances.

i hope some of u girls understand this... not everyone would have parents helping them with money for wedddings and houses...
 
Hi Irene,

Sorry to say it seems to me you are quite immature. I guess you are still quite young and in your early 20s?

From your discouragement of B going overseas to further his studies and working long hrs now to earn money, it looks to me you are like a xiao mei mei. Have you ever thought that it could be due to your lack of support in his then studies and now career development that makes him have cold feet during the HDB application?

I believe most guys want their gfs/FWs to be understanding and support them in the things that they do, especially in your case B is doing serious work and not indulging in bad activities.

Your feelings in B also doesn't look firm as you find yourself thinking of A again during the gathering. I suggest you straigten your thoughts before continuing your marriage preparation.

Perhaps seeing a pre-marriage counsellor will help to judge both yours and B's readiness.
 
Hi blur,
He is afraid that his earnings doesn't match his spending. He said that he needs to get out of spore every yr.

Hi red_sky,
Actually he had been working for more than 5yrs liao. I know there is recession and the last resort is to quit without a job.

Hi green,
I know that $$$ won’t fall from the sky. But we are jus going to have a simple church wedding. And it seems like he intend to stay with his parents that y he has no intention in looking out for a flat. You are right that we are having some communication pro. I had spoken to him abt this but he jus remains silent when I bring it up. I don't know how to continue when he remains silent so we jus drop the subject.

Hi cuclainne,
But we are not even married. At least u and ur hubby stay together and can have small talks, right?

Hi powder,
Thanks for sharing.
Both of u have something in common. 5yrs of hard work. The diff is he believe in ‘work hard play hard’. So most of the $$$ is spent on drinks, tours, branded stuffs.
We believe using our own $$$ for our wedding. And I believe in saving for raining days too. That’s y I only ask for a simple church wedding. To me, no wedding dinner is no big deal. Din want a tired wedding day. But there are things that I can’t do for him like trying his suit which he had postphoned since last Nov.
By the way, since u r a guy, is there any way u think I can get my bf to talk? Most of the time, we will talk abt our dislikes and likes for each other. For his dislikes, I will tell him what I plan to do or change. But when it comes to my dislikes, he jus tell me he will take note of that. But things remain unchanged.
During those past talks, we always talk in a calm manner. No fights, no raising of voice. We normally go to a quiet cafe to talk. And normally he is the one who choose the place. So y is he not talking?
 
hi irene,

to be honest, i still dun know why u're getting married... as in really WHY... i do feel that u even though u're ready to marry, u might not be ready to marry This person at this point of time...

two simple yet important factors to a marriage is - 1. Right Person, 2. Right Time...

i feel perhaps 1 is 50/50, and 2 is well - depends on 1 also... so perhaps, either u have a crash course in thoughts, else push back the timing to avoid the crash course.
 
just need to ask him if he's happy with his current lifestyle of 14hrs working days etc... and see wat he says... if he has a strong motivation for it, then u have to see if u can be beside him...
 
irene, yes of course now we're staying together since getting married but before that, we were both living in different countries - different continent also, 7 time zones away. my point is, you're already upset that he's not spending 'enough' time with you now when you're not even married yet, do you think it'll change after marriage .. in our 1.5 year LDR, i think we were only together in the same place for about 3-4 months total .. the rest of the time, can only msn or call 1-2 times a day (when i'm about to go to bed or about to go to work cos of time difference). at least you're both here together, you just need to work on the communication and understanding bit ..
 
if he knows what he is going to say is relandunt .. so may as well dun say ...

u like it simple . but if he has the work hard play hard attitude . he will not wan it ... its not only concerns about you . but his social circle also ..

i am together with powder advice .i do not know why now the discussion is marriage compared to the date which you originally start the thread on ...

but seems to me u actually filter out advices which are not opposite of your ideas ...
 
Irene, I do not know for sure y B proposed to you when he's overseas but did you ever consider that he might not want to marry you anymore?

Love aside, it sure sounds tough being with you..

I read this book "When Mars and Venus Collide". There's one part that talks abt how men wants to just chill after a hard day of work, but when they come home to naggy wives everyday they do not want to come home at all cuz the wives only add stress into their lives.

Perhaps that's what's happening to u rite now. You keep nagging him, so would he want to spend time with u? U have to let go of your self-centredness in order to make a r/s works.

If you r still thinking abt A romatically now, then you are also not ready for marriage to B. So please drop the idea.

So, how did the talk go?
 
Yes man dislikes naggy woman. Whenever my hb come back from work, I choose to keep quiet though i feel like nagging. Personally i dont like being nagged, so same for the guys. After he looked for me in the house, i leave him alone to do his own things eg. having dinner or watching tv. Sometimes i just sit besides him but i keep quiet.

When the man see that the woman is quiet, he tend to talk more. Thats what i learnt from the book "mars and venus" living together. This is quite true you know. When i kept quiet, my hb will tend to talk and ask me little questions like my lunch and my day at work. This makes me feel more loved. Try it, am sure you feel the same too. good luck.
 
I totally agree with Lynette...
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