Monetary issues affecting relationship

B

blingbride

New Member
Hello all,

Some of you peepz would be aware that my wedding is nearing.. set to be on 27th Feb 2010, we are at the peak of emotions and expenses.. Our house just got settled and we are now settling the minor stuffs for the wedding.. I have to admit it wasnt easy and me and HTB have started to quarrel alot over the past 2 days.. the main cause is MONEY! I am really confused, upset, helpless.. Is this part of the phase?

HTB is also affected emotionally as his parents have 'severed ties' with him after he moved his things out to our own home, they will not be attending our wedding as well. He was prepared on his parents' absence but I guess when it really happened he feels for it... He gets over sensitive and in anger we even shout nasty words like cancelling the wedding and stuff but shortly after he would apologise and say he needs me and we have to go on.. I am kinda lost. I dont earn fantasically well or to match him and he's a person who feels that money is essential in life, it makes the world go round and happiness or fights in a relationship is hugely associated to monetary comfort..

I would like to know your stories and experiences over monetary issues in your relationship/marriage and how it affected it and hopefully, how you came over it.. Any advice on overcoming this would be very helpful too.. Thank you guys...
 


Lya: My dad always tells me that monies may not be the most important thing in life but it may cause drift and arguments in a r/s if one doesn't manage it well.

Frankly, stress will be present during the planning of a wedding, moreover u had to plan it in such a rush and fast manner. People gets emotion during the planning stage and that is what makes the walking down the aisle meaningful;going through the ups and downs in life.

Most importantly is to spend within own limits; let me quote you an eg: we can choose to purchase the wrist cosages but it might cost cheaper if we can DIY with the help of some close friends etc. Another good way not to spend will be to use the guestbook as provided by the hotel and not buying it from another place etc...

Don't get too affected or put whatever is being said on an impulsive manner in the heart... No good words will be said when one is angry or emotionally upset...
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Lya, i think reality hits home for your HTB especially, since his parents really had "severed ties" with him. no matter how prepared he has been, it is still difficult to accept the reality. and that could be a major contribution in his emotional state.

as for monetary issues - because you didn't elaborate i am not sure what is the problem. is it because you had overrun your budget for your wedding? if you had a budget, stick to it. if you overrun your budget, review and see how much contingency you have.

sometimes we get caught up in the whole process of planning that we tend to forget to split between must-have and nice-to-have. both you and your HTB must review properly your expenditures so far and decide what is indeed necessary and what you can do without.

both of you must have the same basic understanding and agreement on how the money is to be spent, so as to lessen your conflicts. now with only 10 days left to your wedding, there are bound to be lots of stress. so try to step back when you both start quarreling, and tell your htb that you can discuss when both of you are more calm. and remind yourself to keep calm too.
 
u want the truth?

monetary issues has never really affected relationships - they Directly affect Characters, Personalities, Pple - who in turn affect their own relationships.

if i dun have the grades, there's no point for me to talk abt getting an MBA or Doctorate or PHD... can only talk. without a degree it's just empty talk...

u guys have little or no money, but Die Die wanna make decisions that require amounts of money u DUN HAVE. u wanna take on debt for things u CANNOT have becos u dun have money... and then u cry father cry mother over it... is it becos of money or becos of u YOURSELVES?

obviously, someone isn't telling u guys just how weak-financially u are, or u are hanging around with richer folks and wanting what they have or are having...

when i make 2k/month and hang around with 5k/month frens... i cannot think of 5k/month possessions... i have to live and survive on 2k. Reality Check pls... IF all the things u want dun seem to be within your reach... then the things are Not at fault, it's u YOURSELVES... AGAIN.

but i have given up on the younger generation... perhaps even some from my generation. pple simply dun work hard and smart anymore... they simply work, and think they can somehow magically have what everyone has... just like that!

it is character flaws... and until u can see it, u will never have a good marriage. i will go on the line to tell u that right here and right now... the only time u have a good marriage is when u have to repeatedly lie to yourself abt having it.
 
i dun know what is the inside story, ur htb ego caused all these ?
to me, its simple, have enough money to make everyone happy or just swallow his ego and submit to his parents.
Please ask him to wake up his idea, in reality, everyone has a price tag, even his parents, do u think his parents will not worship him if he slam piles of money on their face ?
There are alot of losers out there full of egos but poor, all they have are mouth full of theories （人生é“ç†) to convince you to marry them.

The road ahead is tough, with a loser, its even tougher..open eyes big big sis
 
Thanks to you guys,

nice to have someone say positive things and helping me feel better.. I really feel very bad that he had to lose his parents, right from the start I had tried all ways to make them like me and accept me but they disagreed and promised to disown HTB if he chose to marry me. Now, when he went ahead, they did it. Worse is, my MIL has this ESP sorta thingy and she plays God everytime and she has told HTB very negative things about me, my family and confused him very much. She had said we will not make it, that I am making use of him for his money.. !!!

HTB has been the main provider for our relationship as he earns better and it has just been the way from the start.. now, with the wedding and settling our rented flat to livable conditions, expenses have hit high and he has gone kinda berserk.. slightest things spark him off and he thinks this event is all about money but right from the start the arrangements had gone ahead with his agreement..

Sometimes alot of thinking and I feel perhaps I should just let him go and be with his family, he might feel better and he need not be 'drained' of his finances through this commitment. It hurts to let him go but I'm prepared but Im scared to be stuck in this cycle throughout our lives. He can be a person who gives monetary values lots of importance and priority, he doesnt seem to think that emotional values are accountable as one cannot survive with love alone but need money..

More and more Im feeling useless and incapable, I start doubting the need of this marriage, how will we survive this marriage and how exactly is he feeling. At one point, during ugly fights, he utters lots of hurtful things, I feel so shitty, get shocked at his words and we walk away choosing to cancel everything. Shortly after, he says he cant let this go and he wants it. I really dont want to fail this marriage with him, both of us have come through unhappy and failed marriages the first time and he deserves lots of love and happiness but Im afraid he may not be so with me. If love was to be calculated with monetary amounts, I would fail badly..

I can feel that his parents' words and actions have affected him badly and he associates everything with them now.. he could regret having to lose them and may feel that he made a wrong choice.. I know during fights nothing nice comes out but I cant help feeling that all that he said came from what he felt deep inside. It disturbs me.. Im seriously lost..
 
Correction; HTB is a very very hardworking person, in fact, he never thinks twice bout working his ass off on end to achieve what he wants. There's this savings that he had to afford our own house through BTO and with these expenses, the savings are waning away. He is definitely the wiser one between us but we have always conflicted between which is essential in life, money or love.. I know there is a balance to upkeep but the circumstances differ... I just feel disturbed of him going back to expenses and feeling disturbed over things and as and when talking bout ending it, at this stage. I have taken leave for this month so as to overlook the preparations and settling down in his absence due to work, I expect to return to work perhaps a few days after wedding.. I dont have savings to help him and I feel helpless financially when we knew what we were going into earlier on and now things appear bigger than they already are..
 
We never depend on loans or borrowing. Whatever we can, we afford from our savings and pay.. We dont even hold credit cards, that's how strongly HTB believes in hard work and own money. I respect that and I really have alot to learn from him but I feel stuck when he expects my contribution in now when he knows I have no money.. perhaps he's going through lots of frustration and all.. but then it's too critical a time to be fickly or petty bout each other and the wedding at this stage! Is this some phase couples go through or isit happening only to us?
 
Lya, i have NO DOUBTS that he is hardworking... i was referring to hard and smart as ONE impt factor... not 2 separate ones.

seriously is the marriage a priority now? do u have any idea how poor pple stay in a vicious cycle until 1 generations thinks and makes the right decision? this decision isn't a good one as far as finances is concerned.

periodically i hear pple say money makes money, then they say they dun have money to make money... actually even poor pple can make money, but they often make poor decisions, that's why they're poor. i was poor as hell, i made the decision to only marry after i've reached a certain level of finances... else i'll forever be stuck... i had to forego 2 relationships when gfrens were looking at marriage...

if i had married early, i'd only be average... there's no way i can be rich like now. i'm out of the cycle and my children are out for now...
 
Yea true Powder but you see, we are not standing months back when no money had been spent on the wedding preps, no steps ahead.. backing out now in the context of making or saving money is not gonna be wise as that would be a huge loss based on all the non-refundable expenditures done. We are not even staying in our own house, it's rented, we made a makeover and bought our own furniture and stuff so as to survive living in a few years before buying our own. In our case, I believe nothing much can be recouped now but the savings spent has to be slowly built up again...
 
I have no doubts on his parents when they made such comments on you “that I am making use of him for his money.. !!!†They would have known that you longed for “escaping†from no love home, from your “tyrant†father, from that low income family…… Are these the kind of feeling/image you have projected to them? If so, this issue must be resolved before proceeding with the marriage plan. Why rush?

I may be wrong for being judgemental towards this relationship and also in no position to criticise your behaviours. However, after reading your posts from various threads, I do get such feeling too. You are looking for “hope floatâ€â€¦

If he is poor, would you marry him? Think twice before answering....
 
He's not some millionaire whom with I have no bad times with and living princessy... his parents know nothing bout my family, they are simply not bothered. They didnt accept me firstly for having a son from my previous marriage. We barely spoke to each other during our 5yrs of courtship.. We did not rush into marriage, this wedding was initiated long ago but we had our legal matters to settle which was why we waited and as some forummers would be aware, the housing issue came earlier than we expected and thus we are going ahead with the wedding as earlier planned but postponed due to housing issues...
 
of cos i hope for a different outcome, but life has thought me that millions live on hope and a large percentage are disappointed... thus i no longer live on false hopes... alot of things has to be taken in our own hands and we Need very good mental processing... we need to know When we can, When we shouldn't, and When we can take a chance...

i personally feel there's a high chance of him looking at u as the cause of his problems when problems arise... especially if u make things difficult for him and u create unnecessary rifts... it's a tough one... if u make noise, u'll get it blown in your face. if u dun make noise, u'll be unhappy.
 
I admit he keeps me well and my life changed after he came into my life but right from the start, I had been rejecting him for 1+yrs initially for not harboring any feeling for him and not wanting to be with him for the comfort.. After lots of events and happenings, I slowly fell for him and appreciated him alot after which I accepted him. I never wanted to make use of him for his money. Why does it have to mean that when a person is with a man who earns reasonably well and keeps her well has to be married for the money-sake alone? Even so if she comes from a low-income family. I love him for the person he is and I respect him for who is he but of cos there are characteristics you dislike, dont gel or are cautious about with your partner and this is one aspect of him that I fear..

If he was poor... there have been times in this 5yrs of relationship when we suffered shit.. when I got together with him, he was a normal blue-collar worker, he worked his way up and is now into partnership.. We took buses and trains back then.. its over the past 2-3years he has his car.. So how is this judged to be making use of his money or being with him for his money? It can really hurt when a person who loves a person sincerely is branded being greedy and money-minded..
 
Powder,

you know your words can pinch.. well, truth hurts I know.. but it makes sense.. he is a good man and he has done his best for me and us.. The only way I see myself appreciating him better and being a better partner for him is to learn to minimise expenses, being wise with money and making more money.. I have to confess that I have been kinda pampered and am kinda bad at making the wiser choice in terms of expenditure but it's time I learnt.. If you have any good tips to share on deriving to that mentality, kindly pour in.. thanks...
 
Then isn’t it contradicting. Their beloved son is also a divorcee (without liability)? What is the diff then? I wonder if they are being narrow-minded.

I don’t know what “skills†you do to salvage the relationship with your FPIL. But for sure, you guys have wasted that 5years doing “nothingâ€â€¦ No communication at all..
 
yes my words are acidic for sure... my heart isn't. i think if u wanna make better decisions - u've gotta know your weaknesses Very Very well, and admit them. for starters, most pple dun readily admit to their weaknesses nor flaws... they hope nobody notices nor catches them... worst will be those who totally dun know they have flaws - even tho everything around them points to the fact that they do.

my only advice for u is to get rid of the "i want" when u are in no position to want something... instead, make them "i will work hard for..." and dun commit before u've actually worked hard to put yourself in that position.

do u really wanna get out of the vicious cycle of poverty? u might think u're average or abv-average now... but looking into the future, i believe any family which has a nett income below 4k - will be the NEW Poor. u'll need at least 6k just to be average...
 
powder
just curious how come getting married can get into your way of becoming rich that you have to forgo relationships for the sake of focusing on your money earning goal?
 
It is a vice versa thing when come to Money Issue. I need to clarify my input. I don’t mean that you are greedy and money minded by being with him.

贫贱夫妻百事衰 (I don’t how to translate this into English) This is commonly seen in average family. You MUST know where you stand, to make life achievable.
 
it's not marriage per se, it's going thru the whole process and paying for everything when i was POOR, i think some huge expenses Cannot be avoided. without marriage, u dun have these expenses... with marriage - these expenses are inevitable, and with marriage - u start having Wants... u start having Expectations, u will have a new date to spend money on, u will have to buy a whole new set of tv/sofa/washing machines etc etc, u will sooner be looking to buy your own car and u will start to justify all your Wants as Needs...

u will be under pressure to start a family and have a high chance of starting one, and u will Pile-on the expenses and before u know it, u ALSO have Less Time to spend on your career. if u put more time, your marriage might suffer abit of neglect, if u dun spend more time on career in your prime - your career may take a slow pace and your finances will inadvertently be affected. u will see your bachelor peers having more Wants than u and u will inadvertently compare... u may give in to your Wants despite your head saying no.

u may have to succumb to a lesser life of lesser things, but being sporeans in spore - we have this invisible pressure to keep up and may make foolish decisions to make big-item purchases... If u look around, this is not uncommon. pple trying to keep up with the Joneses.

of cos i'm basing on My relationships at that time, and my poverty levels at that time. some have fantastic family support n assistance, which may allow them to have parent support in weddings, houses, reno etc... i dun have any of these at all... zero.

my aim at that time was to get from poor to rich, not poor to average. being a bachelor would have been more helpful than being married as i was able to accelerate the time required.
 
ps: i personally feel that marriage is a hindrance to me If i'm Poor. this basing on the career choice, the education level, the life i seek and the wealth i seek. obviously we're not talking abt marrying Rich pple...
 
Lya

Having read your earlier posts, I've indicated before that finances (or rather the lack of) is something that should be of concern and that you should be realistic. This was apparent when u mentioned you two were unable to secure enough loan for your 5 room hdb purchase. You were then still deciding on whether to rent a flat. It made me wonder whether you two have really understood what you are getting into by renting a place of your own and getting married with the intention of starting a family. Honestly, I am not surprised by this post of yours because I was already expecting it. Your husband will be the one who ends up bearing majority of the cost of the wedding, the home rental, utilities payment and other misc items like groceries etc..and more so if you two start a family. The issue over money may not end after your wedding ceremony is over because most of the bills still need to be paid every month.

There were ways in which you could have avoided spending that much money. Is there a need to have a wedding ceremony now esp when money is tight? A simple ROM ceremony could have sufficed..many couples have done that and still have fond memories of that day.

I'm really not trying to rain on your parade. I know sometimes, it can be so easy to get caught up with the whole romantic notion of marriage and wanting to be together.But you two have been down that road before and you also have a 7 year old kid to care for..u need to be more aware of yr financial capabilities. If you two are the type that can be frugal and still be happy, then good! But I've seen so many relationships/marriages break down simply because of money problems so I really do hope you two will be able to work things out together. Good luck.
 
Well, I would have guess you could come to this stage especially reading your earlier posts about "wanting" to settle down and get married.

Well nothing wrong with that but I guess you and your HTB have not done the financials correctly. I didnt understand then why the rush into marriage and all.

But all is not lost though.

the main thing is to keep detail expenses - every single cent that you spend - keep track of it - and then ask yourself whether it is essential or not. If not essential, just KIV.

Regarding his parents disowning him. Just let them be. They will reconcile in time to come. Once the reality sinks in.
 
I agree with sm. Best to settle financial issues and make sure both parties are on the same page before even talking about marriage. The operative word here being - before.

There are 2 main reasons as to why marriages break down - money and infidelity.
 
Lya: there are a lot of ways to go about it... we are not saying that you are rushing to get things done but during your 5 yrs of courtship, there are bound to be joing savings right? Esp after the 2nd yr whereby both of you are clearer and more sure on where you are heading to? There are alot of ways to go about it; of having a flat and at the same time legalising your marriage, a simple ROM ceremony could complete the formalities like what Siobhan suggested. Holding a customary wedding and renting a place etc cost monies and your HB is bearing the majority, this of course will send some frustrations in the air... Since the date is drawing near, don't keep those harsh remarks in the heart, but do understand that marriage is the new life between 2 people's union and thus tolerance is rather important in it... All the best.
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Thanks littlewoman,

yea, we had a good talk last night and he understands it's an important phase whereby he's got to be considerate to my feelings too and watch his words and I realised I have to do my best to help him financially by both bringing in more and also to keep costs reasonable. He's gotten a better offer with a good increment and he feels we would be fine in time to come, being at the peak of expenses with no family support financially nor emotionally, he feels the pressure but we should be back on track once the event is over and we are back to daily lives.. Thanks for the good hearted regards from those out here...
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Hi Lya

Cant imagine when the kids planning comes along later.

I was in a worse off position than you to start with. I've absolutely no savings cos all my savings went to paying for my uni fee and I am an international student. It is 4 times more than a local.

Our annual combined income used to be 6 figures and my hubby has his own savings which could last us for a year without work. Having said that you have an idea that we are in a comfortable zone. Reality check comes into place when we bought a place (mortgage is taking 50% of his salary), baby's on the way, i stopped working, wedding preps. I've never seen his bank account dropping so dramatically ever. From 6 figures to 4 figures within 10 months. It's crazy but we never quarrel during this period.

From my own experience,

differentiate wants and needs

plan and stick to budget

dun wear a hat bigger than your head (spend within your means) - my dad's quote

Back to basics really.

A normal wedding here costs $100k because it is so different from SIN. Few hired gowns (you can hire but it costs about $1k), usually you have to fork out $3.5k on average, it's not surprising to have people paying $10k for the gown only. Being a budget bride, i went to clearance store and got one. My cousin thought it was such a pretty Victorian style dress cos my MIL bought very expensive European laces to do it up.

We have to be realistic and practical about our money. My hubby can't afford my family's air tickets but will pay for all their expenses here so he already told me what he can and can't do. My family have no issues paying on their own cos they know hubby is already paying for my tuition fees. Being honest with each other is very important. No such thing as 'face' thing.

As most forummers mentioned, be wise with your money, it goes a long way. Wedding is just the beginning, there's heaps more to come.
 
Lya: remember, don't count the eggs before it is hatched. Has the incrememnt been confirmed? It is more practical to keep the cost within the budget and not exceeding it. It is always a happier thing to have more rather than less... We can ssave the extras for the rainy days.
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Yes, he has accepted the offer... Well, we dont take it such that we can afford to spend more now but it would help in replenishing our depreciating savings....
 
hi lya,

tat's good, just be more understanding if the new environment requires more time out of him... there's bound to be changes and u Need to anticipate this... particularly the periods of adjutments as he tries to blend to the new environment. also make sure that u do not start taking on more liabilities simply becos the increment gives u a few hundreds more... cos even at 1k more, and if u can save this 1k - it only offers u a savings of 12k per year... which isn't really alot - going forward to the next decade in spore.

the value of money is much lesser than what it used to be... if we dun Realise that, we will lose out in the long run. seriously, what is 10k, 50k, 100k? u're unlikely to feel secure even if u have the money.

just as additional advice... if u Really wanna break out of having financial problems... u'll really really really need to start from your view of things. Sofas should not cost more than $800, TVs should not cost more than 1k, etc etc... dun buy simply becos they tell u original price is 2.5k and now 1.5k after 40% discount. Dun buy TVs just becos the TV can last u 10yrs - u WILL change after 5yrs... remember that we are in a society that constantly upgrades... and technology changes too often for us to chase durability on electronics, just look at handphones/pcs and u'll get the idea. so dun buy durability when u Dun need it beyond a certain number of years...

ok not gonna nag, i hope u get the idea...

oh ya, Avoid instalments!
 
Haha Powder,

Yea you are right.. we have bought new appliances and furniture.. since this is a rented unit and we may or may not bring along the same items to our hopefully brand new house in few years to come, we decided to go with warehouse sales and good discounts, good thing for us was the CNY sales! Our 42" LG Plasma tv was $800, sofa set $399, bedroom set $400, and the rest, etc etc, but much cheaper and they look good too.. Though small amounts, they did add up to a lump sum... We dont take installments at all, HTB is quite particular on that, he doesnt encourage taking loans, credit cards, installments and such. What he can afford, he does it in cash.. I agree he has a healthier mindset towards spendings and living than me..

The problem was some badly planned preparation costs, now we feel the hotel solemnization cum wedding could have gone simpler.. End of the day, we spend so much for some tom dick and harry that associate to my family then us. Noone from his family or relatives are attending, just few of his business associates, and the rest my relatives. Alot of them whom I dont even like! But are called since they are close relatives and my parents need to save their pride! I really regret this whole celebration affair, nobody that I want to see, people I deem not worth, even my family is simply enjoying comfort on HTB's expenses. Slowly through the stage, I'm seeing through them and am shocked.

I initiated a hotel celebration, also to keep the numbers low cos the both of us had always had the dream of one... also we had to do some customary ways before we could live in and since temples were out of vacancy for now, this seemed a decent choice. Moreover, my first marriage was kinda hasty and hush hush as I had gotten pregnant and it kinda made my parents lose face and I wanted to make it up to them this time..

Now I see the real selfish motives of my family.. They have not participated a darn thing in this wedding preps, not a cent out, knowing we had such expenses coming up, simply act ignorant and dare play hosts rightfully. I really feel this whole affair is done for them and their pride then me and HTB's happiness and satisfaction. I very much want to cancel it and just do a simple ROM between him and me but we have spent so much already and put a hefty non-refundable deposit everywhere tat it would be a waste.. HTB wants to go ahead, says it's just 9 more days and after that we are gonna cut away from them anyway.. I just dont feel fair.. Im supposed to be the bride but everyday is in tears, stress and pain due to the attitude ad behaviour of my family. Even now, mins ago, me and Mum had a huge quarrel AGAIN. Nobody seems to share the excitement or preps and activities. Right from the start its me and HTB doing it ourselves. So orphans-like. Best part is they are so proud that the daughter is getting married in a HOTEL and bragging away and dare play hosts. Im really fuming. I really want to break free but am really stuck!
 
well lya,

this is PRECISELY the mindset that u'll need to have to get out of financial weakness.

it's something i foresaw, i didn't have a wedding dinner even tho i could well afford it... but then it's individual preference and priorities...

my wedding costs was abt $300, not 30k. i put money instead into property, which i just sold for a decent profit that makes up an average sporean's 10yrs of savings... Some may see it as a sacrifice.. but i never believed in "once-in-a-lifetime" events which i'm attending at least 10times a year. i prefer to look good for a lifetime, than for 1 day in a lifetime. i prefer to feel good for a lifetime, than for 1 day in a lifetime.

i 'threw away' a wedding dinner (which i didn't want anyway), but what i gain now is worth much much much more... i gained at least 3-5yrs of Life where i dun need to work. to me - that is Irreplaceable... i can form more memories out of these 'free years' with my kids n wife... than anyone can have from 1 day of wedding dinner.

i "Saw This" when i was 23 almost 13yrs ago... trust me, alot of pple can't see that far at all. that's why they struggle... they want it Now, they want it Now, they want it Now. tat's why most suffer tomoro.

ps: the purpose of my post is not to belittle wedding dinners, but simply to share a point of weighing one's priorities in life... we can't always have our cake and eat it.
 
Lya, u r saying ur family is selfish coz they are not helping in financing your hotel celebration when u wan to make it up to them?????? Hmmm...u r putting the blame on other people than seeing urself in the poor planning and setting up the right expectations in the 1st place.....I kinda pity ur family now.

Like wat many have said in this thread or other thread initiated by u, u and HTB shld have considered and planned within ur means.....rather than the "I want" list...if u have done ur sums properly, I wld believe that u wldn't be in this state today....

When my hubby and I planned for our wedding 5 years ago, we have zero savings. But we didn't approach our families for financing coz we are both from not so well to do families. We planned wat we can afford and do away with watever we do not think is necessary..for instance, we only had our honeymoon 1 year later......Neither did our families help in the wedding prep except for those traditional cust which both mums wan....and I dun think they are selfish for not offering to help. It was my and hubby big day. We wan to enjoy the process so that we can remember it and share with our kids when we grow old, and we wan our families to share our joy without having to stress themselves out, but instead to prep and dress themselves up for our big day...
 
honestly, i don't believe in "saving". If u ask me, i think u'd go a long way more trying to "make more" instead of "spending less".

Lya, i rem u're quite young, so u shud still be ok if u start to really think hard about your money management from now on. I worry abt your htb though, at his age, "badly planned" finances are not as excusable. I hope u start to think longer term, else u might find yourself dealing with one problem after another.

u have to realize that YOU had wanted many of these things too, so pls don't start finding others to share the blame, it only serves to make u feel better, doesn't help anything at all. They have no obligation either, sucks, i know, but they don't.

Be a happy bride, congrats, all the best
 
Are u refering to some mental support or the support in monetary kind? In my case, other than the usual customs and traditions, my parents and in-laws didn't contribute any other monetary form for my wedding too...

We are the ones getting married, stepping the aisle = getting into the adulthood and thus, we should fork out whatever we have to spend by ourselves. This is a good way to show our parents that we have indeed grown up and we can uphold the responsibilites now. Don't be too negative, it isn't helping things...
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If possible, make away with the Hotel Celebration. If saving face is more important than saving your own pocket, then by all means go ahead. I duno how “hefty non-refundable deposit†can it be. If it is lesser than 5K, I will say forget the banquet.

Based on my experience on a Chinese Banquet (weekend 25 tables), I paid 4K as deposit. A week before my AD, I paid another 8K. The remaining was paid on the AD itself. All payment made by credit card. I have mentioned in previous thread, we used none of our parents’ money. All come from our savings. Also, we make a loss for this.

Since you guys hold no credit card and all payment made by cash, I really feel the “pinch†for your HTB. How long does it take for him to save so much? Is it worth splurging so much, drained all saving for the sake of your so call “selfish motives of my family�? Do you know with this saving, you can use it on "rainy day" than used it up for just a day event? Don't forget, your house or baby is on the way. I can foresee you can never make “profit†out from this. So why do you WANT it then??? Is it really necessary??
 
Monetary help from parents is secondary.. What bout the emotional or support that they can give with their presence and interest in the affair? They need not put in the money but they demand to have more people than we had set on, want to have this and that, leave us to do all preps ourselves, no presence! You want to save your pride at our expense! We make our choices, decisions, pay and keep but after all the ignorance, they suddenly appear and end up commenting bout our choices and expenses. Then you should be involved at least to give your input BEFORE things were done. Not after. Ended up now it's like their big day then ours. We are going along for the sake of not losing my side of family too as there would be no more elders presence for us anymore since HTB's side is out too and as the money spent is not worth letting go without making the day come true.. It's not as if we dont want a marriage to each other anymore but feel unfair being all alone into it and celebrating for others' sake...
 
it sucks to be trapped in your own wedding plans, doesn't it? so remember this feeling well... carry it and remind yourself of it Whenever u wanna make future decisions. take it as a learning experience but PLS learn somethng from it... if u can do that, then the cost of the wedding becomes very worth-it becos of the life-lesson it taught u. Foreseeing how future decisions will end - will be the very Salvation needed to get your life back on track.

a compulsive gambler who wants to quit, should not just say "i want to quit". he should also distance himself from his gambling groupie, stay away from casinos, stay away from media that makes him wanna place a bet... Wanting is easy, carrying out the necessary actions would be the challenge.

the same should also apply when u say u wanna earn more money... trust me, almost everyone says the same thing, but only a few actually do... so this should tell u that Wanting is not a process, but simply a thought. and thoughts are useless without actions...

have a good life ahead!
 
Lya, u have a choice which u didn't exercise, so in this case u cannot blame it on anyone else except urself and hubby....when we were planning, I made it v clear to my hubby our families can gv their inputs but we will make the final call together as hubby and wife to ensure that everything is within our means....

My mum called me to scold me about our invitation card after they were printed. My MIL kept nagging abt our new bed, and didn't wan my hubby to sleep on it till the wedding nite. They had so many other comments and usually only after we have made our decisions, including the hotel venue was so out of place for our relatives. Both of us stood firm by our decisions and explained nicely to them the decisions we took.

So quit complaining abt ur family and learn from ur mistakes....
 
We go through the same nags and complains you had and we are standing strong in our stand of it's our choice as hubby and wife and we should be happy in what we decide but though we will not make changes to them for others' unhappiness, it affects me mentally to be put down on every step and unsupported... It's tiring emotionally which is what's dampening my big day then to actually want help from them...
 
Lya: There are bound to be inputs from the elders during any big events, what's more on the wedding? The bottomline is the wedding plans was only confirmed 1 month ago and there are bound to be last minute changes (changes occur as and when there are new ideas etc)... also, you have to learn how to reject certain things tactfully...
 
Well, Lya. I won't repeat what others have advised or suggested already coz I can sense that you're already emotionally drained due to all the stress and pressures. I'm sure you already know what to do so I'm just gonna offer you a pat on the shoulder. It'll all be over soon! Don't dwell on it too much!
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Lya, please try to relax now. it's only 9 days to your wedding. whatever you can prepare, you have already done so. whatever you can't, then leave it. what more can you do? there's nothing to rush anymore.

it's more important that you have a good rest and take care of yourself. no point thinking of cancelling the wedding or the banquet. just go ahead with it with what you have.

sometimes it's just better to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to their demands. remember, it's only days away now, so all final preparations should be completed. that's the most important ya.
 
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