MIL commented that I will siffer if this continues.....

G

gracies99

New Member
I have a pretty good r/s with MIL, she commented the above when hubby and myself had another argument about the domestics - as in who does what bit of hsewrk.

Hubby often reacts loudly (shout, give excuses) when it comes to his turn to do housework stuff - it would be easier if we just hire a maid but that is besides the point.

MIl also commented that one kid is enough, that we should not try for another one. why make myself suffer further.

This is not the first time that she made such comments, previously i would just shrug it off, but this time round, i felt a chord in her statement.

I have enough of hubby's excuses of why he can't shoulder part of the housework. His excuse is that he's working and I am not (I'm a stay at home mum who freelance from home and a part time student)

any stay at home facing the same issues? and more to that, how should i react to MIL the next time she makes such a comment - say that i am quiting the marriage? or that she has raise a bad husband? *frustrated*
 


im have never been a stay-at-home mum but i used to have bothersome PIL who made unkind remarks that interfered with my life.

when we first got married, they said that we should not have children for at least another 5 yrs. (My ex-HB and i were 22 and 23 respectively when we got married). reason: they were helping the gd-for-nothing brother raise his two brats and they felt that they had no resource to help to care for any more grandchildren (NOT as if we would have asked for their help anyway).

The insinuation was that we were two irresponsible and immature adults who had better NOT create additional burden for them. it is as good as saying that any grandchildren from us would not be welcomed, unless it was according to THEIR plan.

the irony was that after 5 years when my own ex-HB started to want to have children, PIL told me, "what are you so scared about, you think we would not help you to take care?"

lesson learnt - dont have any expectations on PIL to be kind or consistent, anything good from them is strictly a bonus. DIL is not daughter and could be viewed by IL as some sort of antagonistic outsider. some PIL even have the weird notion that DIL are here to create burden or trouble for either them or their son.

in the meantime, how to deal with them?

in your shoes i would say to the MIL, "pls reserve your comments to yourself, your words are not helping in the problem or in our marriage".

never be afraid to be firm and assertive to your speech to your in-laws. it is possible to be firm and assertive without being disrespectful. just choose your words carefully. you have nothing to lose, not as if you owe them money or as if they owed you money.

but the core issue does not seem to be your MIL, despite the subject title of the post. it seems to be the housework arrangement.

is your HB working very hard as the single source of income? he could be feeling that he is shouldering an unfair share of the load, thus taking it out on you on the housework arrangement ...
 
Is your MIL living with you? It will be harder if she is, as the constant sarcasm can be a pain in the neck. Maybe you can try the following:
1. Ignore her
2. Get your hubby to tell her not to interfere in your marital issues
3. Don't quarrel with your hubby in front of her (but difficult if she is living with you).

As for your hubby not helping in the housework, perhaps you can compromise with him. Which chores does he hate doing? Perhaps he hates mopping and ironing but doesn't mind playing with your kid so you can do the housework, stuff like that. Or perhaps he can help out more during the weekend and public holidays? Give and take.

If you find it difficult to compromise, maybe get a part-time help or lower your standard of cleanliness? It's not worth quarreling over housework constantly.
 
Since he is working and you are not, perhaps you can negotiate such that you do housework from Mon to Fri while he does them during the weekends?

To be able to stay at home is such a luxury. I hope you appreciate it and not quarrel with your hubby over it too much. Frankly, it is very tiring to work outside and that's all he's trying to tell you. You can view them as excuses or you could really listen to his tiredness and be more empathetic.

With regard to your MIL, I think she probably felt you could not handle housework + kid + freelance work + part-time studies so she made those comments. I believe these not so kind comments arise due to her dissatisfaction with you always quarrelling with your hubby (and her son) over who is to do house work. Apparently, she feels that you have little to do and should just do your bit too. So to solve this problem, simply address the problem with your hubby first.

I'm a very untidy person anyway and I cannot maintain a high level of cleanliness on a daily basis. I'm the type who throws my things around only to clear them at one go when I deem it's time. So..you may like to make an agreement with your hubby and that is both of you will help to clean up the house only on weekends? Then weekdays you just do the lighter chores? Worse comes to worse, hire a part-time maid - cheaper and really possible.

Anyway I don't think it is a good idea to tell hubby to tell your MIL not to interfere. It may just worsen the situation. Just settle the problem with your hubby and hopefully everything will resolve itself.
 
thks all for your comments.

actually i felt that her comments was made with good intention rather than with unkindness.

that's why wondering how to react to them.
 
I work part time and my child in half day CC. Sometimes when i get too tired or fall sick, i will engage part time cleaner 4 hrs at $10 hourly. It help alot seriously. All my husband did everyday after work is to wash milk bottles, that's all. The rest like laundry, etc. I will do it every 2 days.

No fights or argument on chores then.
 
gracies, if finances are not a major issue n this problem can be sorted out with domestic help... then why choose quarrels over domestic help?

as a guy i dun do much domestic now tat i'm married... not becos i'm tired nor have notime... but becos my time is worth more than the domestic chores. i'll just to washing of plates, occasional vaccuuming, housecleaning... else we hire a part time cleaner.

fairness is not in doing equal chores nor more nor less... it is in putting equal effort where it counts. just get domestic help ifnthat's feasible.
 
Hi Gracies, i think its wonderful tat u share a close r/ship w ur MIL. I believe tat she is being kind n feeling sad for u, when she tells u tat u will suffer if things continue tis way w ur hubby. Ur MIL probably knows her son's character n can c how tough things are for u, so she feels the need to advise u to just stop at 1 child, dun be so xin ku cos not worth it.

U shd appreciate the strong ties u have with ur MIL. It sounds like she treats u as her own child to feel sad for u. U cant blame ur MIL for raising a bad husband for u cos tats not true. U shd have discussed such matters with ur hubby b4 marriage. Now its abit late to expect him to change to help u w the chores.

I wld suggest tat u leave the chores out of ur marriage. Dun make ur marriage sour cos of household chores. Get a part time cleaner in to help u. Since ur husband is comfortable working n bringing $ home, then let him do tat. Household chores get external help - $10/hr is v reasonable. Then u can do less of the chores as well, so u have more time to rest, study n cook for ur husband. Dun quarrel over the small things in life, its not worthwhile. U need some time to date n keep the marriage strong.
 
Hi Gracies

When I read your first post, my impression was that she said it more out of goodwill than malice. If that's the case, I don't see how you should find a retort to that.

Does she say that because she knows how stubborn her son is? That perhaps she's tried all her life to get him to do household chores but failed? She's probably on your side then?

With regards to household chores, I'm not very good at it but my husband works much more longer hours than me so I'm expected to do it. And when we had disagreements, it was usually about the household chores - about me not keeping up with it, and the "quality". He has higher expectations than I do.

Eventually when we had our first kid, we hired a part-time helper who'd come once a week. Things became a lot better. When the second kid came, we hired a live-in helper. It helps a tremendously (of course I had initial domestic helper issues but it's all sorted out now). Instead of quarrelling or spending time cleaning up after dinner for example, we channel our time and energy on the kids and on ourselves instead.

While we resisted getting a live-in helper due to a fear of privacy loss, we've kind of gotten used to it and include her in our family activities where possible. We learn about her likes and try to accommodate wherever possible.

Like everyone says, if finances are not an issue, then I think it's really worth considering
 
Hi,

I love to cook but hate to wash up. Having a maid means I can experiment and cook all I want.

Every evening after dinner at home, we will go downstair for a walk or swim. Don't have to wash plates.

Life is better with a maid.
 
Hi dimpxtt,

Where is your friend staying?

My cleaner prefer east area else may charge more for transport. And she is already fully book on Sat.

Ur friend may try other contacts that i have but not sure if their rates have been increased? Do call up and ask.

Part time cleaner :

Chris - 84238383
81170497
Yu Zhen - 90378313

Cheers!
 
milo, powder, evon
getting a maid is besides the point. we had a live in helper before and he was so dependent on her for even basic stuff like washing his own plates after dinner or even getting a drink. maybe it's just me, but i can't tolerate his attitude of 'waiting to be served' He wasn't like this before the kid!

bluemoon, matka
thks for sharing yr own experience.

i think the crux of the issue is not the hsehold chores but rather his attitude. but having said that, after i related his mother's comment to him, he willingly mop the floor (after i ask him to do so), so perhaps there's hope. :P

i was feeling really stretched out, and MIL's comment really made me wonder...but i have no idea how to change his attitude, any suggestions??
 
okie, one thing tho, i dun find that MIL's comment has any undertones to it.

in terms of the househouse chores, i'm kinda indifferent to it... sometimes do, sometimes dun. i haven't mopped the floor in years, amongst other stuff... just taking me for example, i actually just got home from work, i really dun think i'm keen to do household chores even i i have done them before... there does come a stage in our lives where these are become pretty nitty gritty and better to be sub-out.

not sure which stage of his career he is in, but it might play an impt part to his attitude. so u might like to explore tat...
 
Hi,

Except for Disney's Princesses who love to sing and do housework, does anyone really, really love to do housework?

However having said that, I am still going to teach my daughters to be competent in housework. So that they are independent and be self-reliance.
 
Gracies, u need not get a maid but a part time cleaner to help u with the chores. Then u will be less tired n it takes away the unhappiness regarding household chores.

U mentioned tat ur hubby changed to become more lazy after the birth of ur child. Actually every1 changes. U have changed as well since marriage. Take some time to go out for a simple dinner with ur hubby n share ur feelings with him gently but firmly. In the meantime, household chores are a small issue, take the pressure off both of u by getting part time help.

No1 has the ability to change any1. Only the person can change himself. Marriage is about walking down life tgr, sharing ur lives n having strong communication, respect, understanding n support. If u're feeling tired or upset over tis issue, let ur hubby know. Understand him better, whether his work is stressful or tiring, thus he doesnt want to come home after a long day only to have to help with chores instead of resting n spending time with his family.
 
hi gracies,

i can confirm that it's just you... and i don't agree with May and Faith with regards to your mil. there's not much info on her being sarcastic and unreasonable.

at times, your hb might not have handled the situation well because he doesn't get it as much as i do - when you conclude that hiring a PT helper is besides the point. well he shouldn't be, but obviously, he is frustrated with certain thoughts of yours.
 
If it is his attitude that you are complaining about.. well nothing much you can do.. other than try to "instill" some change in him through persuasion, nagging and such.
 
HI Gracies

I'm in the same situation as you. SAHM and studying too but will be graduating soon (fingers crossed).

I think it's the self-centeredness of your hubby that causes the current issue. It's all about him.

My hubby will look after baby when he finishes work. His job is very demanding and stressful. But he will look after the baby so that i can have a break, even for a hour. But if he is really tired, he will tell me that he needs to rest early. On weekdays, I will cook and do the domestic chores. He will cook on weekends. He will do the chores like folding clothes which i hate with a passion and changing of linen and i will take care of the rest. It only takes arrangement and mutual agreement.

But if he really doesn't want to do it, i would suggest you to hire a helper, this is to free yourself. I'm not sure how you can change a person.... and i don't see the need to get each other upset. If he hates chores and was brought up that way, period.

Be glad that you can hire helper cos it's impossible for me, it's not an option. Take things in stride but thank God my MIL helped me once a week...
 
well obviously, gracies' hb is not a household-chore kind of person. i dont' get it, why is he self-centred when he had no qualms to find a feasible solution (ie. PT helper) to the problem (ie. household chores)?

not all hubbies are the same. weird.
 
And seriously if I am a stay-at-home-dad.. and someone brings home the bacon.. I would still employ a maid so that I can shake legs at home.

There is no comparative advantage in performing household chore personally. It is a job best outsourced.. and it is pointless to argue about who to do what..
 
"Hubby often reacts loudly (shout, give excuses) when it comes to his turn to do housework stuff - it would be easier if we just hire a maid but that is besides the point.

"I have enough of hubby's excuses of why he can't shoulder part of the housework. His excuse is that he's working and I am not (I'm a stay at home mum who freelance from home and a part time student)"

can you read what gracies says above, im just suggesting why her hubby can't help her out with housework, other than self-centeredness (i hate housework with a passion, why should i help my SAHM wife), then why cant he play his part?? his need to be served attitude is intolerable. and all above is my personal opinion and thoughts, and yes i do agree not all hubbies are the same - just wonderful or not. Not all cars are the same too....

My point is, gracies, pls dun bother getting frustrated on why he cant do things (which you hoped he will), accept and get alternatives. you can't change him by getting upset with him.
 
either he don't like, or he is tired, so what he is self-centred like what you regarded him to be? ok then, he engaged a PT helper but TS wants him to do chores instead because she hates seeing him getting served like a master.

so got rid of PT helper and persist to question his unwillingness/self-centreness. back to square one like a full circle, does it helps?
 
Precisely, thus gracies for the sake of domestic bliss & harmony, pls accept him for who he is (you can't turn squARE into circle?)and get alternative solution. Give and take. Life will be easier.
 
Hi,

My hubby hasn't done any housework for years at all since having a maid.

Would you rather your hubby be doing housework or spending time with you?

Maids are well-trained by their agencies to serve us well. I still remember my maid asking me on her 1st day at my house.

" Good morning Sir, Ma'am, I would like to serve your breakfast. Do you want coffee or tea?"
My hubby and I decline her help and told her we like to make our own breakfast. She just need to clear the table after we finish.

I feel it's alright for your hubby to be served by the maid as long as he is polite, kind and appreciative to her.

Just like the Victorian English lords and their maids. Just accept that your maid like to serve you and your hubby.
 
Albee,
U R FRIGGIN OUTTA YOUR MIND. They are here to earn a decent living and NO, they don't enjoy being your slave. So u think u're a Victorian English heiress? How do u like to be labeled by the angmos as a bootlicking opium house operator?

What is wrong with you? I just hope that ur children will not grow up to think like u. Domestic helpers shld b treated w respect because they are human beings with no lesser rights than u, not because u bought them as slaves. Omg
 
Albee always portrays herself as a "rich tai tai" with a "super" loving husband. You can see most of her posts in this forum only surrounds how loving her husband treats her, and how enjoyable her life is. She won't stop one lah..perhaps that the only thing she feels good about herself.
 
Hi unagi09,

I'm glad you think the same way as I do. Of course maids are not slaves. I always thank my maid for the things she does for me.

I think she is really hardworking. Many times I ask her to eat her dinner 1st but she always want to do the housework.

I love cooking so I often cook some native dishes for her and her friends.

Her friends who are working for a Korean family often make Kimichi for us. The home-made kimichi are really delicious.

Every sunday, they will have a little picinic near Lucky Plaza.

I bought for her a handphone and encourage her to talk to her friends as she does the housework
because really Maids are not "Prisioners" in the house.
 
Grace,
At times we wish that our partner can think or work the same as us but we are make differently. You have your expectation of your hubby behavior toward housework and like to be served. I understand that it can tiring at times that is why getting a part-time helper is a good idea to lighten your load. Especially your love one dont like to do it.

Getting upset of him refused to do housework will not help you solve the issue. Is it possible to change your attitude as to see your love one able to enjoy and relax himself at home with a more understanding wife after a long day outside? Dont restrict the solution by thinking his attitude is wrong. If it is affordable why make things difficult for both. To maintain a good marriage you have other things which you might need to pick up along the way. So dont let this issue from bringing your marriage to the next level

I felt that we cant change other people thinking but we can change ours with a comfortable limit.
 
At least it seems that Albee's marriage is a successful one.

I would rather choose Albee as wife (even though I prefer sexy hot baby more than disney type of princess) than those women who love to argue so much and nag about hus not doing housechores.
The negative thing might be no hot sex.
 
chocolatte,

why not hot sex? Is hot sex only exclusive to one particular type of gals? Disney type of princess can be tigress in bed.. you will never know.
 
I'm just makin fun of this disney princess+ sunshine girl thing
this type of hypothetical question is inconclusive and we will nv know the truth anyway
 
well just like in a company you got some irritating senior or boss, or those kay-po people. at home you got to bear with that PIL or MIL of yours. if like that how to survive?

company no choice la, you need to work for money and experience until you get a new job to get away from those freaky people. but at home how? MIL and PIL nothing to do of course find fault with you. some people their brain don't know think what. they like to control people for fun so show they are better human being than you. well if it's your husband father or mother then too bad.

many people divorced because their FIL or MIL is sick in the brain at that hubby of hers is equally sick. you won't see this before your marriage.
 
hubby and me agree that a maid/helper is addtional expenses that could be saved for other stuff like kid's educational expense, and that to save $$, he will help out with chores.

whenever things came to a head like now (me super stressed and tired, and he refusing to do hsewrk, btw it's only ad hoc chores that he has to do and not routine hsewrk), and i will say that we shd get a p/t helper and then he will bring up the above point again.

it's a endless cycle.
 
albee,
thks for sharing your perfect life.

sm
i am not complaining about anything here.just seeking alternative views.

avovadoaddict
good luck with your studies! it's tough!

powder
well, for sure, i didn't marry a male maid but rather i become a female slave. even MIL agree *wryly*
 
Hi Jz,

You are only partly correct. I'm a homemaker but I'm also a working lady.

I'm a very hands-on mum. I do everything related to my children. My maid only have to do housework. My evil Mum complains I spoil my maid but I tell her I'm the Mummy, the maid is not the Mummy.

My free time : Recently, I like to listen to Xu Ru Yun's old songs. I, especially like the song "Nan Ren Nu Ren".
 
Hi gracies,

I think your hubby is just like mine, doesn't like to do housework.

How about increasing the household income so that you can afford both kids' expenses and maid?

I always like Powder's view of increasing the income instead of saving here and there.
 
Hi gracies,

If you really cannot increase the household income, how about this?

I don't whether it will work on your hubby but it works on mine. You can try.

Whenever I'm tired from work, I will ask my hubby to help bath the children.

I will ask him in a cute way and he will be happy to do it. But of course, I will also do things for him if he is the one who is tired.

Qns for the guys :
Will this work on you? Can provide some feedback?

I don't want gracies to mess things up with her hubby.
 
well gracies,

savings for sure we must have, as long as the process to save isn't tedious and comes with differences and tiffs. if such differences can be solved with money, i'd throw that extra $400 away so that my kids can have happier parents who can spend time with them n be harmonious... rather than disharmony.

if u find yourself feeling like a slave, there's basically a few things u can do.. or stop doing... stop doing so routinely, and alternate... give yourself a break to enjoy things u like doing. once a week, get a part-time to do those chores u really dislike n which nobody really helps u to do. that way, u can save half the money, and still feel recharged and happier...

do give thought to expenditures... there are good ones and there are bad ones... when u sub out jobs at $10 an hour and u earn $20 an hour, it is a good deal. just like how we earn $160 a day and give $20 to hawkers, $10 to starbucks, $5 to Transitlink, abit to miscellaneous, and keep $100 for ourselves. difference is that Chores is something u can do and save that extra $40 a week... which is $6 a day... for Harmony and better mental well-being.

and yes, the best way to save... is to increase your income, not cut down on good expenditure...

ps: when u do things, dun compare with the pearound u to see if they are doing... nor if u are doing more. when it is something both dun wanna do, find a compromise. best is for both Not to do... else both share load. in this case, my advice is. both dun do, n let others do since it's affordable. take care...
 
albee
i get him to wash up baby (wipe down and change to PJs) once or twice a week/bathe on weekends (sometimes) and he grumbles a bit but ultimately does it. to me, that's bonding time with kid but to him it's something that I should do as i am 'not working'.

powder
Thanks!

i am trying to increase hsehld income by working home based - but homebased work pays really miserably. am not sure if it's worth it to continue considering that it is becoming an additional source of stress.

butif i were to stop working, then even the option of hiring a p/t helper is out.

i do get the concept of 'good' expenditure, that's what we were working on.
 


working home-based requires patience n time to build up anything that can give u a sizeable amount. the chinese phrase 万事起头难 comes into mind as discipline is the foremost, beside patience in strategy.
 
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