M i losing him?

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duckweed_lover

New Member
I am with current bf for nearly a year. I am facing a few problems with this relationship.Wld like to hear opinions from others.

Problem 1: Not spending enough time together?
I feel that my bf is getting less keen to meet up, and we dun really chat up on the phone. And he is one who fell asleep very easily. He usually says that he is tired after work, and weekday we seldom meet up. Usually we meet up on Fri for dinner and then head home. Sat meet up in late afternoon, dinner then head home. Sun i am not available in the morning and sometimes we will meet up for lunch. i feel we are not spending enough time together. And what is worst is i feel he prefer to hv his own time then spending time with me. I wanna meet more often, but, i dun want it to be from me only. How can i find out if he is wish to really spend time with me or not?

Problem 2: broken promise? My bf likes to make empty promise. example 1 - he was force leave on one monday, and on sunday he told me he wanna pick me from my workplace when i knock off. However, when i called him when i knock off, he was still at home, and seemed totally forgotten abt his promise. When i asked him about the promise, he simply said he doze off and din woke up in time not big issue. However, I felt that he is not being responsible and dun keep his promise. This has happened many times simply cos he dun see dozing off and not keeping promises a problem. To me, i did not make him promise anything, he was the one who made me expect he to do certain things but yet dun keep to his words. M i taking things to hard? How to handle situation where i find certain things a problem but to him its simply ok?

Problem 3: I've been bringing this things up with him. To give him credit he does listen to me and did try to make effort to meet on weekday. But i feel that it is not out of his own will. And i find it is giving him quite a bit of pressure when i bring up issues to him. But if i dun bring it up i feel upset and unhappy. How to make me not stress up and me not unhappy? Is it still possible to go back to the lovey dovey time when we first started our relationship and spending enough time together?

Pls help. thank you in advance.
 


honeymoon is over...
and it's time to reset expectations, which is not necessarily a bad thing...
i mean, if that's the Real deal...
 
hi junkie, cld you explain why is it not necessarily a bad thing? M i right to say that it is not a bad thing to see the real him before marriage? Yes i m adjusting my expectation. But is there any possibility to meet midpoint at all?
 
of course it's necessary to make adjustments to accommodate each other when the relationship moves to a new stage... if u guys can't reach a middle ground and one side is sulking, then that's no deal...
 
duckweed,

think it's rather impt to know the nature of his work to decide the frequency in which he can meet u or if he's tiring 'too easily'...

am not too sure how often uexpect to meet but it sounds like u might e comparing yourself with some other gals around u. such things vary according toiferent couples and there's no hard&fast rule. besides, how often do u wanna meet? the freqency u mentions sounds rather ok to me actually..

there are guys who completely give their time to gfrens, and there are those who live with a more rounded schedule.... i do find that most gals are able to totally revolve their entire schedule to their bfrens once they're attached...

in the first place u have to determine if it's Indeed a problem or isit just your Expectations... if it is, then solution should come from u. and in terms of over-sleeping, i think just ask him to adjust his alarm clock before he puts the phone down (after he asks to meet u). If 1 alarm clock dun work, get 2, or even 3... i have 2+my handphone when i as dating cos my job is Really mentally exhausting and i can miss dates. of cos now tat i'm married, we stay in the same home.
 
duckweed: It is usually the honeymoon period during the 1st yr in a r/s... During this period, we tend to see more good things of the person rather than the flaws. Noone is perfect. Are the both of you working shifts? If yes, probably some adjustments and compromies is needed to spending some quality time together.. Noone can ans the qn of how many days of meeting is sufficient or insufficient, once a week could also be good enuff is the couple are comfortable and happy with the r/s and each other.
happy.gif
 
Duckweed,
I can understand how you feel about your situation, becos I ever had this issue with my partner during our 3rd mths relationship, my love language is Quality Time, so I would like to meet my partner as much as possible. But my partner would prefer to have some private time for himself. We talk about this issue and work on meeting each other needs and still improving on it. We schedule a numbers of days to meet on weekday like Mon, Wed & Fri and meet on both Weekend. With this schedule I feel more comfortable when we are not meeting. Those days when we are not meeting is time for him to catch up with himself. Do discuss with your partner on what is his comfortable days to meet up. Dont focus on whether he wish or not to meet up or loving you lesser if he dont meet you. Be positive, dont set expectation on him that he will know what to do without discussing it.
 
absence makes the heart grow fonder??

in my previous relationship with the ex, we saw each other 6/7 days a week .. yet, he managed to find time to cheat on me with not one but several girls - apparently he's very good with time-keeping.

six months after, i embarked on a 1.5 year LDR with someone who lived in a different continent .. we were physically together in the same place for only 4 months in that time frame (when we commute to visit each other). we've been married for almost 4 years now.

just wanted to let you know that it's not the number of times you meet up (quantity) that matters but rather how you choose to use this time together (quality).
 
the disadvantage of meeting so much, is of cos - that the guy has very little life outside of the relationship... his commitment to the gfren may seem sweet and all that, but the problems will arise in the later stage when frens, career and family Requires his attention. would u then be OK with him spending less time with u?

if u had a guy who gave u 30% of his time, then when other aspects of his life requires time, he is able to sacrifice his Other time. but if he gives 70% of his time to u, then when required - his time with u is the only viable time he can sacrifice... think abt it. how will u react when such time come?

anyway most impt would of cos be - that both have the maturity in understanding the time constraints as u move on in life... developing self and careers... some jobs require More attention, some are just confined to a 9-5 period, some require your weekends... both will need to be understanding to each other's work-needs. else u'll have a major problem.
 
faith,

u mean u meet on one of the days on 1,3,5 then also 6,7?..... OR u basically meet all 1,3,5,6,7? if it's the latter, then your bfren only left 2&4 for self/family/frens/colleagues/hobby etc etc?

too much quality And quantity will be quite an overkill... later when u need to have breathing space - u will find that the air outside is super fresh and u wanna smell longer...
 
there isn't a fixed amount of time to be spent together. What's more important is, its something both are comfortable with. No one can be completely accomodating.

For him to enjoy time with you, it must be something he really enjoys too. My advise is, be entirely flexible and honest. Its about finding happiness together, it need not be something in between. It could be something altogether different from any arrangements u guys are having. If mutual happiness is not possible, accept that fact and move on. No point trying to bend or change either one of u just to be together. You change only when u believe in it and not to hold onto the relationship.

Many times, its really the perception. By changing the mindset or thinking, alot of blocking points can become unblock naturally. That's why I encourage a much more receiptive and open approach towards it.
 
Fatih, 5 out of 7 days, Tues and Thurs are left with only evenings, I would find that extremely difficult to cope with any other aspect of life other than the BGR.

In the long run, most guys will be suffocated. Its highly unproducive when 2 efficient individuals become committed to perform 70% (5 out of 7 days) of time on every task together. How can one continue to sustain their other commitments?
 
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... Even as a gal myself, I buay tahan this 5 out of 7days "schedule"... I will go CRAZY with no life....... *fainted*
 
Thanks Power & Milo for the reminder
Basically the days we are meeting during the weekdays he does meet up with his friend before meeting up with me due to work hours allow him to do so including sat too.
He will spend his Sunday afternoon with his family after church service.
We are comfortable with the schedule so far, and will make changes here and there.
We also dont wish our relationship to suffer due to meeting up schedule, there are many other stuff to improve along the relationship, which we are doing well so far. Finger cross...
Many thanks for your comments will definately note it.
 
to add-on this is not a prefect schedule for everyone. This is just an example of my schedule ya. Most importantly both couple is comfortable and happy with it.
 
I believe it should be more the willingness to be understanding than a fixed schedule...

I am the ultimate in flexibility. I can meet everyday (even few times in a day) or not at all for a week or even weeks..

So I try to accommodate as much as possible.

But I guess after the honeymoon period - 2 or 3 times a week should be healthy and good enough..
 
yup, as long as both got the maturity not to expect this for the long run, then ok liao... else later if suddenly 1 of u need to take on a work project or change jobs which requires alot of attention - will have problems...
 
true most importantly is both party is willing.
rather than been force to do it which that is impossible for my partner to do so he will voice up and we will discuss and try best to resolve and get the best solutions to our problem. So far I really appreciate the way he handle our relationship.
Seeing my partner to be happy is my motivation..
More worry that he is upset so will think of ways to improve myself more.
 
hello everyone, great thanks for all the responses. My bf and I have regular 9 to 6pm working hours. Sometimes he does knock off earlier than i am. And after work, he try not to work at home. He will surf internet, watch tv or doze off. I am starting to get alright with meeting on a Fri and Sat.

But how about the broken promises thingy (problem 2). I can't help feeling edgy and wonder how serious is he whenever he say anything. i secretly always 'discount' what he say, doesn't seem like a good sign to me. I am in my early 30's and he soon mid 30's. How do i know if or when he really meant his words? Again, How to handle situation where i find certain things a problem but to him its simply ok?

Finally, how to salvage the situation. Pretend like nothing has happened and move on? It does sound a bit denial to me. <sad> How to make the stress he is facing disappear? Try not to bring things up?
 
duckweed,
If this is affecting you do talk to him how you felt about the issue. You can suggest to him about power method by using a few alarm. Dont expect he change immediately give n take 10 out 7 he did it without missing the appointment is consider got improvement. Let him know that you will be disappointed if he did not keep to his promises. Relationship need both of you to work out together. For me I will tell my partner whenever if I am upset he will listen and reason out the points which if I am wrong or right. I am blessed in the sense that he will not sweep problems under the carpet and look at our problems seriously.
Different people react to relationship at their own ways. If he dont work this way you got to think another ways to get the relationship moving. There are a few guys here can give you better idea how to get your man works...
 
hi faith, thank you and i m happy for you that you have a good partner who listen and willing to iron out issues together.

Prior to this relationship, i had quite a bad one. And on hindsight, one of the reasons was i tried to talk to ex too much, and it ended up pushing him further away from me. Someone else came between us and ended everything.

Now in current relationship, i am quite afraid to talk to him too much. I'll bring up things once and try not to bring up the same issue again. However, some of the issues are just recurring. I somehow can see the 'history' coming back. So i try not say my feelings too much. And wary that i will drive my bf away. Fortunately current bf is much patient than ex. But i can't help felt that he is drawing himself away. Tts why i needed to know how i can make the stress disappear fr him. If not i think things will become the same like the past relationship.

Will buying him more alarm clocks for him a little 'insulting' to him? i've not thought of doing that before. Now, whenever he doze off or cldnt make it in time, i just tell myself let him be.
 
Duckweek,

no matter how good your partner is if another party dont appreciate and see the need to work the best for the relationship is equal to zero too.

Most guys dont like gals to nag which I agreed on that, you have to highlight the points to him, if he dont want to improve to it no point telling him 3rd time already. Got to try other method. Ask those big guys out there ba...

I dont believe in perfect relationship cos there wont be one, we can only try to improve ourselves to work the best out of it. If the other party dont wish to do so I believe during relationship you still can make a choice whether he is the one for you or not before getting further.

Dont let the past relationship put you down with loss of confident to do what is right.
I failed my marriage once. But still want to improve myself more and dont focus on the negative.

I might not help you much here, but willing to be your listening ear add me in your MSN [email protected] if you need me ya.
 
your alarm clock, is your bfren someone who can take jokes? For me we like to tease each other with many things so for my case I will just use the alarm clock to tease him for missing my appointment. If your bfren will feel it negatively then you better dont get it for him.
 
he is not the really humorous kind. A bit of ego. Between me and him i think he can take jokes better than me. I am the more serious and by the book kind. i guess i'll try to sound him out whether he mind me getting alarm clock(s) for him.
 
he is not the really humorous kind. A bit of ego. Between me and him i think he can take jokes better than me. I am the more serious and by the book kind. i guess i'll try to sound him out whether he mind me getting alarm clock(s) for him.
 
buy the clocks together, tell him that it's not just for u, but the fact that time-keeping is very important in his career, so why not start with his apptments with u... at least from there he can get free practice!
 
i repeat - get it together when u're out... On the way kind of thing. obviously the chinese dun believe in giving each other clocks as presents, so do it together... ie "hey since we're at Best Denki, let's get u a digital clock with FM that works well... so that at least u can wake up to the radio on days when u date me instead of leaving me hanging around like mrs bean.... besides u have problems waking up, might not be good in future when u have an important meeting or function"

hard to say no rite?
 
My gf has a lot of problem keeping appointment as well..

So I will normally call her to remind her.. quite easy really and it helps a lot..

Clock.. i don't think it will work because you can forget to set the alarm..
 
Duckweed you may get the clock and also call to remind him. since you know that he need to be push type try using some method and see which one work out for both of you.
Just dont think negative when thing dont turn out to be what you expected ya. Expecting him to react the way you desire by doing nothing is torturing...
 
"Mon, Wed &amp; Fri and meet on both Weekend"

no wonder get him out is sooooo difficult now i know why liao... draggie must spend more time with friends leh.. come come..
 
lol....I did not recall that he mention that you want to meet up with him hor...I wont stop him if he want to meet up with you people hor...
btw dont disturb the thread here lar...go chatters pls...
 
duckweed: personally, I think if the things that he had forgotten is not a big matter, we shouldn't be harping on it.. What about other things? Will he remember what he had promised you?
happy.gif
 
"Mon, Wed &amp; Fri and meet on both Weekend"
lol~ no wonder he must always leave chatters outings halfway on Sats.

Mark, you the organiser, please remember to submit application form to faith to seek her approval for 26 sep outing ;)
 
hello little woman, my bf seldom make promises nowadays. I guess he might be afraid he can't keep his promise and upset me. So now we dun pre-plan anything. kinda mostly play by ear. Not sure if its a good sigh.
 
duckweed,

the thing about broken promises, I never even believe in promises at all. Instead, I believe in being flexible and placing best interest for each other. Promises are inflexible rules and commitment we placed on each other to give a false sense of assurance and 'prove' of affection.

"my bf seldom make promises nowadays. I guess he might be afraid he can't keep his promise and upset me."

This is clear indication the stress he is experiencing. Responsibility doesn't come from promises or forcing one to commit.

Would you want your bf to struggle and come down really tired? Frankly, what you would appreciate is him telling you how tired he was and taking time to rest right properly right? There are 2 problems here :-
1) your bf not realizing the kind of commitments he is giving. You are quite right about his lack of responsibility.
2) building expectation to fulfill these promises. Relationship isn't build on expectations. These expectations accumulate stress instead of building the relationship.

As long as both are always thinking the best for each other, do we need these commitments? Situation is dynamic, promises aren't. Be completely flexible. Ask of him to communicate freely with you.

Remind each other. If you want him to come meet you, give him a reminder knowing how forgetful he can be. Forgetfulness is inborn but one can improve on habits to manage that. Suggest to him ways he can set reminders for himself.

And if he is too tired or will be late, TELL YOU. Take time to rest and come back refresh so that he has the energy to spend quality time with you. If the relationship is based on fear of angering each other, communication is blocked. We do not voice out what we really want and need.

How to be happy?
 
"he was the one who made me expect"...

something flawed with this thinking. Somehow its okie to expect as long as he is commiting. That expectation is not always realistic, u need to understand and look at the situation and person. You know how forgetful he is. So, why expect him to suddenly become so careful? You wished that he can remember, so remind him and encourage him to be more responsible. Be more proactive. No point only reacting angrily and being disappointed after he has forgotten.

If you cannot tolerate a forgetful bf, get one that isn't, else, u will need to learn how to cope with it with him. Don't just expect someone forgetful becoming what you hope and want.
 
Mark &amp; Green...
Normally we leave half way is becos of other commitment ler. If not we definately stay on for 2nd round dont get misunderstanding hor! heee
 
Hi duckweed,


Problem 1: pretty subjective as to each couple... many posts have touched that.


Problem 2:

i don't think the sleeping part attributes a huge role... at worst, it's the reactive portion to the current-him.
so, i don't think that the alarm clocks or phone calls may work out for them, other than dragging him to their appt in the most unwillingly manner...

for me, i'm inclined to keep my appts as much as possible, unless some urgent stuffs pop up...
yes, we all shld be flexible as much as possible, but not to the extent of setting an appt with partners or friends but deep inside...

its purpose is to "eng xiu" aka "entertain".

so, duckweed surely has the reasons to feel her emotions, afterall, the bf apparantly fly the aeroplanes many times liao...
i do see a great sense of unresponsibility on this part.


Problem 3:

i think Problem 2 is reflecting how he currently views this relationship...
and at this point of time, it is also good that he probably sees it from another angle liao...
and it's abt time for you to see that as well.

no doubt that u have had past shadows casting but u really gotta find the ideal method to speak up -
def not the naggy types that have not been working well.
 
duckweed: a talk on individual's expectations and perspections is good in enhancing the r/s. Personally, I don't realli like empty talks and/or promises, but have also came to accept that things dun happen in the way that we want or we hope at times. We don't always have "Time" in control etc, thus we have to give and take at times?
 
hi vios, you mentioned about my bf sees it from another angle and its abt time for me to see that as well....i cant exactly catch what is that 'angle'. But i can guess its probably hving 2nd thoughts abt this relationship?
i really wld like to know how he view this relationship. Does he see a future between both of us. But with all these problems i think its no point talking abt future.
Actually I did ask he wld like to take some time out, his answer was he is ok to be alone, but he is also happy with current situation. I was a little disheartened cos his answer gave me the feeling he is ok with anything that comes along. Or maybe its just him he is just like that.
 
Hi littlewoman, i agree to give and take and we dun always have "Time" in control. If the reason for not able to keep his promise is cos of work or other impt reason, i can perfectly accept and understand. However, it is somehow difficult for me to take the reason of oversleeping. Both of us work and me too will be tired. But i will wanna spend time with him after work and thinking of meeting him actually perk me up. But the feeling is not mutual between us. Thats the thing that saddens me.
 
Duckweed,
Maybe you try not to think about whether he think about the future of this relationship or not first becos even if he does does, things might change along the way. Enjoy the moment been together first. For me every relationship will have their own challenge. Everyone of us will have different character so got to learn to accept each other flaw. But of cos there is a limit to it. Nobody can tell you whether you should end or continue only you yourself will know how far you can take it. Give yourself sometime to think over it. Dont keep thinking of the negative side.
 


hello faith, thanks, i'll keep reminding myself to not think of the negative side. And you are right, what's impt is to enjoy and treasure every moments together. Try to put in my best effort into this relationship, and (touch wood) even if its din work out, at least i wont hv any regrets.
 
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