Lost in my marriage

B

believefate

New Member
I am writing this thread in the hope to get some good advices.

HB left home more than a year ago without a reason. I tried hard to savage but he simply refused to move back. I am lost, hopeless and living in agony every day. Why am I push into a corner and left with no direction in this marriage? Maybe eventually force to sign the divorce papers? Or should I accept him again if he decided to move back again? Will I feel happiness again after being hurt so deeply?

Thanks in advance
 


Dear Fate

Do you know why he left and does not want to move back? Do you know what his intentions are with regard to the marriage?

If he doesn't love you anymore, can you force him to?

This is painful for you because the wound is still very raw. Whether you will feel happiness again or not depends on you, isn't it? It may sound cliche, but time does really heal.

Ask yourself - do you want to live in agony everyday? Surely not, right? Next ask yourself - what can you do about it? Decide to get yourself out of your unhappy state. Once you make up your mind, the rest is a bit easier.

Next ask yourself - what can you do to get out of this unhappy state? Since your husband does not want to remain in the marriage, get a clean break, pick up the pieces and move on with your life. No point to dwell on the ifs or buts. Get support from family and friends as you go through the process.

And most important - be kind to yourself. Don't cling to anything so tightly, it's often a source of much unhappiness.

With best wishes from Clover.
 
Takes 2 to tango, u cannot do a solo. Wake up. Time to move on. You don't need him to give u the closure. You should do it for your own sake.
 
Why tonight there are 3 broken hearts, there are 3 threads on marriage issues tonight.

Not encouraging people to divorce but I think if the marriage is beyond reconciliation, better end. Ya, no point clinging to empty hopes.
 
Thanks for all your advices.

He refused to talk about the problem, the direction and his intention towards our marriage. He has neither asks for separation nor divorce. I am not sure whether he still has feelings for me. But I told myself to let him go no matter how unwilling and hurt I am if he asks for it.

There was times when I have the thoughts of giving up, pack and leave our house. But I cannot bear to leave the happy memories and things that we shared. I love him wholeheartedly during our days together and went through thick and thin before we decided to get married. He is the pillar of my life and I treasured this marriage a lot. But I am drowned with hurt now. This agony persists because neither party initiates the next step of action.

Will I feel happier after I leave this marriage? Or I leave because of no choice. What is the true meaning of marriage? A couple who are determined to support each other through thick and thin or Two people hurting each other deeply and yet do not bear to leave. Devastated, helpless.
 
"What is the true meaning of marriage? A couple who are determined to support each other through thick and thin or Two people hurting each other deeply and yet do not bear to leave."

ur marriage no longer has any meaning...

it's dead.

he left u.
 
Jenny i was shocked to see 3 threads by broken hearts, n it made me wonder if my own future marriage will suffer like tt. It is sad to see marriages end, leaving behind nothing bt pain for those involved.
 
Fate, since he is behaving like tt, it is then time to b alittle more "selfish" n think of ur future happiness first. No point staying in a marriage where it will only bring u hurt n pain. Clinging on to past memories will only give false hopes n make u unable to move on....

Its been a yr. Time for u to end ur present agony n move on. I dun like to advise pple to divorce. Bt when u r left w no choice, tis then seems d only way out....
 
Fate
Why clinch on something which is so obviously gone? He can leave without reason shows this marriage and you mean nothing to him. He refused to talk about the problem or future hints most likely he has a problem that have an impact on the marriage and that he is unable to settle, thus chooses to avoid talking altogether, or worst in your case, disappear with a reason. This is most irresponsible of a married man! One possibility is there is another woman out there, and he does not / cannot stop the affair. When there is affair, it is often very messy and draggy with the other woman refuses to just let go.一哭儿闹三上åŠ, thus the man who doesn't know what to do, just chooses to be a tortoise.

Why then cliche hope on to the marriage for the sake of good old time together? This marriage is obviously dead, and love is gone.

Control your own fate, don't let someone who leaves you in suspsense to control your fate.
 
blueprinciess
Marriage is not just love and memories of good time together. It entails a lot of shared responsibilities, especially when there are kids involved. Don't marry for the sake of marrying, eg because madly in love, age is catching up, family/relatives chasing, to escape from unhappy home, shot-gun, to get HDB flat, etc. If you / the other party is not ready to marry, why marry for the sake of marrying? Think carefully whether you are prepared to settle with the challenges of daily life having to cope with the stress of finance, work, housework, kids, in-law issues, etc etc. Marriage is not as simple as like courtship time when love is the utmost importance. And some people are simply not suited to married life or don't want to be tied down. Marriage is not a must-do task in life.

You may be together with a person for long long time but you will not know his/her true self unless you face him/her day in day out. When you do, you may find actually this person is not so compatible to you or has some problems that he does not tell you during courtship time, eg financial debts.

Fate
When love is gone, when marriage is dead, why continue to cliche on to a marriage in name only? I rather let go. Especially if your spouse refuses to share his problems/stress and don't wish to take steps to solving whatever problems, what's the point of hoping he will change one day?
 
Hi Jenny,

Thanks for your advise. I understand the heavy responsibilities and issues that come with marriage. At this point, I feel I am ready to go through the challenges of married life, and I hope to find a suitable man who I feel can survive the ups and downs of married life with me.
 
BP, u don't normally see many people going into forums to tell others how blissful and happy they are. Perhaps, only a few unique individuals does it regularly in here. lolz.
 
to Milo: hahaha....I might actually do this if I am blissful and happy, and then start giving advise. Erm, Milo, I think u are also like that right....u seem blissful and happy and do regularly give advise her. lol ;P
 
no. I'm sharing quite alot of my woes with my folks no?

I just choose to take control as much as possible and not focus on things beyond me. Mostly, advising is about letting the person see beyond their problem and discover their own solutions. We can only have the strength and motivation to do that when we focus on the positives.
 
oh, I was talking only about the marriage part. yup, I know ur woes w ur folks. for me my woes w my mum are still there but I am now focusing more on myself and my life for the future.
 
very sad and unfair. I never understand why in laws can behave like that. never. I know all the stories here but I do not understand why all those elderly men and women can't put their kids' happiness first and not cause any trouble.
 
can never understand? why? You have a difficult mum yourself. So, it should not be surprising for you. ;)

I just find it lazy and dumb for people that have difficult parents to expect their spouses to somehow be able to manage the parents. They should know better than to forcefully house both together to fight daily. Are they bochap, insensitive or simply naive (IDIOTIC)?
 
hm....my future hubby is gg to have a tough mum in law but I am gg to side my hubby. I am gg to protect him and not gg to let my mum hurt him.

Milo, they are unempathetic and unable to see from their spouse's point of view and unable to proritise as who should be the most important person to them.
 
blueprincess,

hm....my future hubby is gg to have a tough mum in law but I am gg to side my hubby. I am gg to protect him and not gg to let my mum hurt him.

You will be better off first protecting yourself. You are still struggling to handle your own mum and you think you can protect your future hb.

Very likely, look for a hb that is self-sufficient. Seriously, for a man, we don't need our wife to "protect us" from their parents. We only need them to understand and not be caught in between.

In-laws sure are tough. A great deal of it is through "understanding" and "tolerance" but also laying down clearly the OB markers from day one.
 
As to prioritise and to determine who is the most important..

Is there a need to. Do a hb need to choose between wife and parents (and children).

No. Everyone is important. There is no need to say who is more important. Just need to co-exist.
 
the need for protection from the spouse is more a lady thing frankly. I don't need my wife to side me. Just don't add oil to fire and it will be fine.
 
SM and Milo, I hope ur eyes din pop out when I mentioned protecting my hubby. I sounded like the guy right. hahaha. hm, I'll take note of both of ur advice. I'll be a tolerant wife and not add oil to fire. definetely.
 
Good idea to wait and think of the past...

makes u so much more worth returning to?
makes u a better wife?
makes u more endearing?

wake up pls, u're not in tv, nobody is watching and he obviously dun give a flying fcuk... u just think he does.
 
odd that u doesn know the reason. No signs before he left? some men when they walked off and thats the end. Its like my friend's dad, walk out of the family one day and never return home till now. to move on might be better for u.
 
Will I meet someone who will truly love me, accept my status as a divorcee? I met someone recently who makes me feel some care and concern. But never did I expect that he distant away when he knows that I am still legally engaged in the mess of my marriage. His reaction makes me feel a bit of disappointed although we are not into any form of relationship yet. I don’t blame him as I understand. It is always better to have someone with cleaner background.
 
oh, as per the requirements of some uptight anal pple in the forum, u need to ensure u are fully divorced before u should even engage in any form of dating.

anyway just wait abit, sometimes when u're a divorcee or soon-to-be, and u're a lady... u tend to attribute everything to That, when it could be that u possess a particular character flaw whch he doesn't fancy.

is it always easier to blame on your status than yourself.
 
I am writing in the hope of getting some comfort from my unhappy marriage.

Marriage isnt just about the lives of 2 people but revolving around much more issues and matters.

I have been feeling very depressed and upset since i married and I do not know how to get out of ths depression. I am very upset that my marriage turns out to be such.
 
so what was Your expectations? and how far are u from it? is it something that has to do with your expectations or is it becos your hubby isn't what he's supposed to be post-marriage?

many reasons... i guess some background is needed.

all i can say now is that a marriage is a marriage of TWO Individuals. as much as u function as a couple, u are individuals too.
 
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