Just cant b forgiving enuff

S

sundaybomb

New Member
Hi all, recently my bf proposed to me and i didnt agree and upsetted him,he wants to know the reason but i just find it hard to say it to him. I do love him but i am afraid how i am feeling towards his family would break d marriage apart or having endless quarrels.He sides his family and at times i dont feel as if i can make myself be part of the family with them.I am the introvert kind therefore when i dropped by their hs i just did simple greeting n after which my bf told me not to just greet her as she told my bf i was ill mannered... i of cox felt hurt n upset because i didnt mean it.i just dont know how to communicate with elderly and from day 1 she just look at me when i greet her n thats it... altho yrs on the relationship been a little better but i feel like i m constantly forcing myself to talk to her as i dont feel the bond at all.

Therefore when he proposed to me i rejected as he told me we would be staying with PIL as thats what his mom wanted altho she did not welcome me to stay with them after marriage a yr ago.... i dont know what to do .... i dont wish to be so petty n unforgiving over an elderly but somehow i just cant forget the times she treated me bad.
 


Hi Droplet,

I think it must be real tough to feel awkward and yet oblige to be nice to his folks..

But you know wat.. these are the pple that give you your bf. So I guess first all, you must try really make an effort to interact more with them.
The mindset is very important in preparing you to face them in the long run.

If you feel that you dun noe wat to talk to them abt or they are hostile towards you. Remember, the more you hang out with them, the more you will know them and the more topics you can discuss with them.

Of cos, it will always be tough esp if its not you to do all that, but.. you are marrying their son and not them, just treat it as a process to earn you your man.

Hope things will turn up well for you eventually.. Jiayou. =)
 
We tend to fall into this trap. that we feel that the other party is not doing enough and siding with the other side when things doesn't seem to be going the way we wanted..

One thing u must understand that different people have different ways to do things.For ur bf, mabbe to u he seem to be siding with his family, but perhaps to his family, they will be saying he's siding with u. So don't just simply jump to conclusion... sometimes we only see things on the surface and from our perspective...

U did the right thing by rejecting when u dun think u are ready and have doubts. but i feel all these could be settled if both of u really love each other and genuinely want to be together.

From your side, u gotta understand that ur bf is a son as well as ur bf. it's the same with you. It's nv easy to be a meat patty sandwiched in the middle.

Give him ur support, discuss with him what on how to tackle this issue, lastly life is short, be more tolerant, it goes a long way.

P/S: I dunno ur bf, his family nor u, i am just saying wat i feel in general...
 
I tend to have a different opinion here as I'm speaking from experience. One of the causes of many marital breakups is in-laws. Unless you marry an orphan with no siblings and relatives, when you marry your spouse, you also marry his or her family. With Asians, the extended family is an important part in the marriage equation. So, you have to discuss this issue with your partner before you take the plunge. Having no common topic to talk with in-laws is an issue that is very different from having to live with in-laws after marriage, especially if the guy has indicated so. And how often both sides want to visit each other's parents is also an important issue to discuss. It's better to sort out these issues first before marriage. It's very easy for others to tell you to be tolerant when living with in-laws because they are not the one living with them for the next 20, 30 years!
 
so your difference in opinion is ???


thread starter..

maybe suggest to him to attend a marriage preparation course before you agree.. just tell him things need to be iron out before going into the next chapter of life
 
I still believe in tolerance, tolerance and tolerance.. of course it helps not staying with the In-laws as to reduce friction. But in any case, it is not really that difficult to deal with in-laws - we just need to be able to master the ART of being deaf.

And mostly women have more problem with their mother-in-law and vice versa. Men mostly have less of a problem with in-laws because by nature we don't bother too much about too many things. MILs are of course more difficult to deal with for DILs, still tolerance and acting deaf is key. It helps if you have a supportive HB
 
"ART of being deaf"

LOL!

I think this art is applicable for other relationships too, eg. with own family, friends, colleagues. We can't really control how others will treat us all the time.
 
"being deaf"? sometimes this will backfire, the other side will take that as we are impolite, unfriendly and a loof + hao lian
lol
 
nosey sun,

that is why there is an "ART" there..

In reality one has to be selective to what we want to hear... and respond accordingly..
 
i just dont know how to communicate with elderly

girl, one day you'll be as old as your MIL and when your DIL comes up with this reason for not talking to you, how would you feel? treat her with the same respect as you would your parents - she is your boyfriend's mother after all .. without her, there will be no him.

my bf told me not to just greet her as she told my bf i was ill mannered

actually your boyfriend should not have told you to do this because it will only reaffirm to her that you are ill-mannered. it is not right to not greet someone, especially when you are in their home ..

i feel like i m constantly forcing myself to talk to her as i dont feel the bond at all.

you don't have to form an instant bond to her but you must still give her some form of 'face'. yes, you might not have the same common hobbies but try to chat with her, find out how her day was, etc.
 
Dear all, thanks for your respond n advice.

If PIL didnt come into the view, i wouldnt hesitate to say YES. I know he dont agree with me because they are his parents n it is natural for him to overlook the issue.

intially she mentioned this on my face that she would have clash with me therefore we should find a place elsewhere be it rent or buy and when my bf speak up n said i could help take care of the chores n family she reacted strongly like " I dont need someone else to take care of my family n i dont bother if the chores r done or not, i dont need a daughter in law to do all these " i was taken aback when she said those words,i might be an introvert but i m not ill mannered and i dont really talk with her let alone having clash with her.

A strong sense of rejection from then and now she is fine with us moving together after marriage.Even tho i dont stay over at his place,i cant imagine having to stay with her.With her change of mind n words, its unthinkable for me how she would be like if we stay under the same roof. My bf hopes that i can get along with his family so do i but at times its hard not to think he is siding them n neglecting my feeling.

I know everyone has got their own family values but i am on the verge of giving up because i know i would be the odd one out in the end.Theres love between us but i am so afraid of popping the question why did i ever put myself in such a state shall things go wrong after marriage.
 
cuclainne

I dont have any reason not to talk to her and wants to really treat her like my own mother but shes ..... and i dont know why i feel so fake trying to talk to her. I hate it being so reserve n stubborn but i failed many atimes to pick up a conversation with her....And i did make it a point to greet her everytime but she said i was ill mannered because i dont even know how to talk to her other than greeting....


Yes u were right my bf shouldnt had told me what his mom said about me because overtime i formed this unwillingness to talk.When he told me he said his intention was harmless and he didnt want to hide things from me but to improve what his mom mentioned .... i stopped going over to his hs for some time. although i dont stay overnight at my bf's place he just want me to go over to "show" my face than avoiding to go over and i refused caused him to feel i didnt want to improve the relation with his family.I relented and went over just for a short while but once i reach the house n greet her i would automatically walk into his room and told my bf to allow me to sit in his rm for the time being when he asked me to go to the living room.He would switch on the tv n she commented loudly electricity very ex why must switch on two tv then i asked my bf to switch off and afterwhich
we went out.The next time i went over she saw me and immediately switch off d tv n walked into her room n watch tv so meaning we cannot on the tv oso... if shes not at hm and we r watching tv she would also walk into her own room n switch on the tv so same thing two tv switched on and i know it wasnt really the electricity issue it was ME she had problem with.
 
The relation had a so called turn for the better when she broke her leg and i popped often to help with the chores n cook although she rejected initially.I did it because of love.... and we did talked more but now she is all fine we are somehow back to the same ... thats why i rejected ...
 
actually old folks are quite okay to talk to...i feel. for my bf's mom, i greet her and ask her how's her day/is she busy...that starts the ball rolling already. maybe you can say that to your bf's mom and then she won't think that you just greet only and keep quiet.

I agree living with in-laws is not easy, and it's always the DIL and MIL problem. Living habits is one very interesting thing, because it's something which has been ingrained in yourself for the last 20plus years and not easy to change.

Just like my bf's mom, she has a thing against people throwing toilet paper into the toilet bowl. Sometimes when she finds out that I threw it in, she will go complain to my bf about it.

To us, it's straight-forward, after we use the toilet paper we will throw it into the toilet bowl. However for her, she cannot accept it because she thinks it will clog up the toilet bowl.

It's all these little things that will cause friction and unhappiness. So, as the younger generation we got to understand the elderly, but not expect them to understand us back. I think if it's hard for us to change our habits/mindsets, it will be harder for them to change, given their age.

but having your bf/hb's support is the most important. he will be able to help you lessen the problems that you face.
 
Hi Droplet,

If you feel that you can't fit in, then I suggest breaking up.
No use trying to give in.
Tolerance is a virtue but not to the extreme.
One side giving in will not solve the equation.
Have a talk to your bf and voice your concerns, if he doesn't accept that you have your viewpoint about this issue, then it's high time to look for another bf.
If he accept your viewpoint but doesn't agree, then perhaps both of you can work something out.
But similarly don't expect him to give in to you 100% as it won't work out either.
 
When i watched the show woman on top i felt it was quite true when violet fen yin mentioned to choose the right one for marriage to save yourself from more problem if u already know that the present one makes u get caught up in bad situation.
 
go Seigen- its true tolerence is a virtue but not to the extreme. I am the kind who keeps mum about a matter and when it accumulate i would explode ..... I find it hard to explain to him that although love is between both of us but i dont really believe it is going to be only us when parents come in view ... i would like to get blessing from his n mine parents ...
 
i also caught a little of the show you mentioned but the same guest you spoke of also mentioned that she makes the point of getting along with her in-laws...

the problem here is your personality...and unless you want to change yourself and make that effort, then i think you best find another relationship without the same problems...you need not be her pal, just greet and ask how's the day and blah blah will do..

the thing is that you are too self conscious how you will look to others, just let go and let things be...live will be a lot easier...
 
I admit that i am unable to get along with his folks ... thats why i feel like i m obliged rather than sincerely wanting to build bond.It aint totally i m too self conscious ... my bf had been commenting and questioning me why i didnt make the effort n gave me pointers.I feel stressed up rather to "perform"... I just dont know why i feel so fake asking hows ur day n so on ... i know i shouldnt be feeling this way ...
 
fake or not, that's essentially how we all have to live out our lives, remember the job interviews, how fake can that be, we all put on masks...so be it...be less conscious about how fake this is or not, as the nike ad says, 'just do it'...getting familiar is all that's needed....if only everyone learns to accommodate, life is simpler yah...
 
droplets, if you really want to be with your bf, suggest that you really make an efforts to bond with them...

i've always told my hubby off coz i feel that he's not making enuff efforts to bond with my mum. He feels that he has done enuff with an hour per week at my place. Before marriage, was maybe only an hour a month..

I know that my mum is definitely not happy though she has never openly talked about it. But during our conversation and her comments on my hubby before and after marriage, I know that she's not happy with this son-in-law. And, sometimes I really dunno wat to do and feel very upset with this coz I do wan to make my mum happy and let her feel that I have made the right decision to choose my hubby. Despite several feedback to my hubby, he jus feel that he's already doing a lot and it shouldn't matter much coz we are not staying with her. (sigh....)

If you really love ur bf and wish to be with him, do it for his sake......otherwise, suggest that you leave him now....
 
Soon-to-be , my bf feels the same as your hubby that it doesnt matters much for him to bond with my parents as we wont be staying with my parents... and as we would be staying with his parents so i have to make the effort ...

I do love him but i am unsure if my love for him would go all the way ... i just cant imagine myself staying with his mom although hes the man i wanna marry... i know i am selfish but i dont know how to make the changes without remembering a lot of tins ....
 
i think it's inappropriate to say that just because you won't be staying with one set of in-laws, that you shouldn't have good relations with them.

the husband gets along well with my family, except that perhaps he doesn't really chat that much to my father because 1. my father is rarely home at the times we visit and 2. my father would rather watch tv in his room than to come out and socialise. in this instance, i don't really blame my husband cos i think he's making the effort but it's not being reciprocated. that's just how my father is.

as for me, i'd like to think that i get along well with the in-laws too. i suppose it helps that i treat them as my own parents too .. that even though i treat their home as my own as well, i do respect the boundaries and i know my role to play. like if i'm at my MIL's place and she's in the kitchen, i will sit in the kitchen and chat with her instead of sitting in the living room with the guys or if i'm at my step-MIL's place, i help her to clear the plates after dinner, feed/play with the cats, etc. it makes them happy that i made an effort, you see.

it's just another role that we all have to play, at one point of time. likewise if we're able to 'play' the role of girlfriend, spouse, mother, etc then it wouldn't be as hard.
 
his mom would rather watch tv in her room than come out to socialise but he still blames me .... i admit sitting in the living rm but i do wash the dishes but its nv gd enough
sad.gif
 
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