Issues with husband on having babies

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waif

New Member
When I have my first child in future, I would like my mum to take care of my child. Reason being she is very good with babies and children and my heart will be at ease, knowing that my child is in good hands. But my husband specifically told me recently that he ONLY wants his parents to take care of our child next time, and he said that we are not going to have any children till i agree on this. I was taken aback that he gave me the ultimatum and I am very disappointed. His parents has got 5 other grandchildren, whom they get to see for only once a week, sometimes less than that. As a result, the grandchildren are not very close to them. My husband is the filial sort (and yes we are staying together with them) and i believe that he wants them to take care of our child/children in future because the other grandchildren hardly come into contact with them. i'm not very keen on my in-laws taking care of them cos they are both quite old (they are in their mid 60s), whereas my mum is still young (she's in her 50s). And my in-laws haven't been handling babies for a long time.

i'm very vexed over this matter and i know that unless i become a full-time mother myself, there's nothing much i can do. But i do want to work and earn my own income
 


how can he be filial if he only understands filial piety on his double standards?

how can an issue like taking care of grandchildren be a sole-proprietorship?

how can the both of u discuss an issue like this and not even have room for compromise???

have the both of u distributed/assigned jobs to your parents before seeking their consent?

i feel sad whenever i hear how children become the little makeshift pawns in little ego-wars where the caregivers seem lacking in a simple fact tat everyone has a role to play in their lives and development, and there's no exclusivity Even if the relationships between adults have broken down... and we're not talking abuse or unfit caregivers, we're just broaching the topic...

i would think tat our hearts would be at ease whenever our kids are with their grandparents, and not compare who is better at child-rearing... some are good at taking care, some are good in instilling values, some are good in changing diapers and feeding... end of the day, it's a concerted effort, isn't it?
 
bro, i believe the husband is probably thinking about his parents. The fact that none of his siblings kids were taken care by them and they wanted to opportunity to do so.

I wouldn't make the assumption that he had not 1st seek their consent or not understood if they wanted to.

But I completely agree about your other points about double standards and sole-proprietorship in caring for the kids.

Many grandparents needed and wanted the role. I see alot of attention my mum put on me has transferred to my sis kids. Sometimes, she would accidentally call my name when speaking to them. In a way, they are trying to feel needed and important in a child's life again. I don't think my mum is that unique with this need. Many of our parents do want and volunteer for this role. Even though they complain and nag all the time, they will not be happy if they are not trusted with this role.

There are times, i allowed my parents to 'baby-sit' me. To others, I'm taking advantage of them. But truthfully, I'm not all that comfortable with it. I let them because I knew its important for them sometimes. So, I don't completely shut them off from providing for me. e.g. she would like to volunteer to treat the family when we are all earning much more than her. Wife don't understand why we should make mother pay. But I can always compensate her in other ways financially. So, I just let her. then occasionally, transfer some extra ang bao back to her.
 
just asking a series of checking questions... not making the assumption on the parent consent, just asking since the husband is in a stage of non-negotiable mode. no point having the whole thing backfire and they have a series of 'arguments' without first making sure it's viable in the first place.

i understand the grandparents thing very well, i also know for a fact that there's TWO sets of grandparents, both with the possible needs that u mentioned... tat's where i'm coming from.

ps: am sure the husband thinking abt his parents... he just forgot he has TWO sets of parents now.
 
Powder - Likewise, the TS may have forgotten she has TWO sets of parents now too...

Both are unable to compromise to this.

She feels that her "own" parents are in better stage to take care of the baby rather then the ILs... TS has "concluded" her reasons. Of coz, there may be other issues that are not surface...

Again, this is what most people will say = Communication plays an important part....

Being filial and saying to be filial are two different things... I may be flamed for saying so.. but it's juz like treating them as baby-sitter for the sake of saying "I feel my heart at ease"...
 
waif,

given the fact that u guys are now staying with this set of parents, it is just logical (and polite) to entrust the latter with the care of ur future kid(s)... unless they say no.
 
i agree with junkie...

since u r staying with them, it is quite logical to have them take care... cos if u shuttle the kids here n there between ur parents place/ur place, it is also very tiring...

u have not given them a chance, how u know they cannot make it.

Or make it half half... mon to wed - his parents, thur to sat - ur parents something like that.
 
moreover if u ask ur parents to take care, when there is already a potential caretaker under your own roof, his parents wont feel good mah
 
Perhaps, a more reality fact is to conceive one child first before arguing this small issue. I am sure when your child is born, ur hubby will be overwhelmed with his own flesh, rather than arguing with u. Trust mi.
 
sunnyday, having a child does not resolve all problems. Yes they do bring joy but it does not make the current situation to go away. And then what?
 
Best is to all sit down to discuss and compromise.. take turns lah..

But logically since staying with in-law, they should have a part to play. Of course can also involve the parents.. Everyone has a part to plan; everyone should be happy
 
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