Is hubby cheating?

monokuro

New Member
I've been married for 5 years now with a 4-year-old son. I earn more than my husband and has been supporting him financially (with big purchases, holidays, etc) though he was also working and earning around 2K plus / month. I've never minded paying for these expenses, including my son's childcare expenses.

Last year, hubby was so busy that he wasn't spending any time with baby and I. We had huge fight when he insisted that his career was more important. To give him more space, I accepted an overseas offer and only visit him and baby once a month. My mother is caring for my son and living in our matrimonial home. Our relationship got better after I left Singapore.

Early this year, he joined a Thai religious group and has been doing weird things at home. He also quit his job and went into property. As he didn't have any income as a new agent, I supported him financially in full.

Last month he started going for meditation trips to Bangkok. He already went 3 times in the past 2 months, and is still on his 3rd trip (supposed to be back soon). His phone bill came when he wasn't around and I happened to be in Singapore. I was shocked to see that he actually made more than 180 calls to a Thai woman (I called the number to checked) in Bangkok in ONE month. He called me only once every day or two when I am not in Singapore.

We had a huge fight and he insisted the woman was just a very close friend. But I know all his friends and he never mentioned about this particular friend before. I don't feel that it's normal for a married man to call another woman every day, sometimes up to 10 times a day, just to chat. He claimed it was because I was already sleeping and he needed to talk to someone late at nights. But why must he call this woman and not one of his buddies? I highlighted that his calls were also made during day time, and many of his calls to her were before or after his call to me.

I know deep in my heart that the logic doesn't add up, but I want to find out if I'm being too paranoid? He's in Thailand where that woman is now and I'm worried. I'm prepared to leave him if he's having an affair, but what if I can't prove it? Will the court accept phone bills with unreasonable number of calls to the same number as an evidence?

I love him and will give him a chance if he admitted his mistake and promised to leave her, but should I move on with divorce if he denied it despite the proof?
 


Usual question.

You love him, so if he cannot leave that woman, will you still love him as if when he can leave that woman?

Interesting... ...
 
why give yourself that stress, you are independent and can take care of your son without him...leave the troublesome fellow and move on with your new life....
 
I love him and will stick with him if he leaves that woman, but I am strong enough to walk away if he can't.

My question is: if he denies it till the end, am I actually wrong (i.e. he's really not having an affair?)? Have I falsely accused him by being paranoid about the phone calls (other than the number of calls, I have no other evidence)?

He said I jumped into conclusion based on the bills (he called me when he found out that I called the woman, saying that his 'friend' said that his wife has a misunderstanding about them). I am too upset to see this objectively - am I just being paranoid?
 
clipperjunk, i know what you are trying to say. With regards to love - I can bear with the pain. It's really hard as it is now, but I'm trying to give him a chance also because of my son - I am not too sure how growing up without a father will affect him...
 
Hi Monokuro,

While my heart goes out to you and that your feelings of betrayal need to be validated, I think you need to have a good chat with your hubby because the problem, I believe, does not just lie with your hubby or the potential third party. Your communication or connection with him must have been already weakened before you start experiencing all these negative 'symptoms'.
 
You are not paranoidal.
100% chance he is in an affair.
Logically speaking...
If he called you, then called her... if he needs someone to speak to, why her? LOL~

My question is simple. Let me rephase...

Does it mean if he did not leave the woman, you don't love him? Which is, the love means he must not see the other woman?

Denise80,

This case is not usual. If the woman speaks with her husband... Since she is providing the husband with $$$, since her husband wants the other woman, what do you expect her husband to say when he needs to convince her to fund him for his affair? LOL~

This talk will likely go only to more hurt.
 
Hi denise80

We did have a rough time last year, but we have grown so much closer and more loving since I left. Every month that I came back to Singapore or when he visited me (usually once in a few months), we had enjoyable dates (dinners, movies). We didn't fight much anymore and learnt to compromise on things.

That's why this discovery is a huge shock to me and I half-refuse to believe that with our current relationships, he would do such a thing. You are right - I am really seeking to validate my feelings of betrayal. I am doubting my own instincts because of this, because of the need to hold on for my son and because I grew more and more unsure that he was indeed having an affair...
 
Hi Scope Guy

Thanks for rephrasing the question - this I can answer.

If he did not leave the woman, I will still love him (you can't control that, right?), but that does not mean that I will bear with it and stick with him. I will cross my fingers and hope that I can sooner or later get over him.

Hi margret
No, I don't know which part of Thailand, I only know her hp number.
 
Hi Monokuro,

Good answer.

Can I confirm, however, that that shalt be the strength of your love...?

That is, it cannot bear with it and makes you stick with him? And you will get over him?
 
Hi Scope Guy

I'm very particular about faithfulness. We made it clear when we decided to get married that we will never betray this trust - I would rather he leave me first before starting a relationship with anyone.

As for the strength of my love - betrayal is painful and I'm not sure that I can overlook it. I know many women (and men) just closed one eye even when they know their other halves are having fun outside. But does bearing with it mean they love their other halves too much to lose them, or they simply don't feel a thing because their love has faded?

Getting over him... I said I hoped I could, but I'm not sure... I can't give you a definite answer that I could...
 
hi junkie

I used to think that paying for the bills (sharing or even bearing financial burdens) doesn't mean I'm the better half - I respect him as an equal partner and we take turns to make decisions. I always thought that as a married couple, there is no need to be so calculative.

Haiz... the more I read your supportive answers the more I feel that I am not wrong in my accusation and really shouldn't let him ride over my head...
 
Hi Monokuro,

Good. For your information, I am leading you to make your own decision. You are doing fine.

I can understand that part of how you like it to be if he'd to start a relationship with another and such.

It's very likely that he'd have to cheat you so that he can go on seeing her with you funding him...

Why have you chosen to marry him in the first place?
 
Feel very ERRRRR reading ur post leh, scope.

TS doesnt need you to lead her, y shld she? she just wanna clear her uncertainty if her hb is having an affair or being paranoid
 
you know, junkie, you are right.

Geez, I just have to be strong and stand my ground. If I'm not paranoid and anyone could see that he's having an affair, then I'll need to make him answer for it.

Thanks, guys, I have validated my doubts.

Can anyone help in sharing if phone record list can be used as evidence of affairs? That's all I have now.
 
Hi Lyn2wen,

Why should she not? ^.^

She's making a very important decision, so I'm drawing her inner self out. She has a child somemore.

It's best she understands her decision, then to just feel good. LOL~

BTW, I am sorry, but what is ERRRRR? Can't google on what the six characters stand for... ... LOL~
 
Hi Scope

When we were dating he wasn't like this. He just got a job after studies and he was financially independent as he didn't covet much. He took really good care of me and I never felt so loved before. We had a simple ROM reception and honeymoon - nothing expensive and extravagant because my parents understand his constraints.

I never ask for anything material from him, but as he work more, he started to want more. He'd want the latest notebook, handphones, going out for drinks at pubs and stuff. He never used to want these things when we were dating.

He went from a hardworking, down-to-earth guy to an ambitious guy who wants to make quick bucks (hence the property agent job now). He always said it was because he wanted to provide for me, so I let him do whatever he wanted despite my initial reservations.

I don't know what went wrong - why the change in priority and character. I probably have spoiled him by letting him do whatever he wanted - I must admit that, but regardless, he has never strayed in the past (this I can be pretty sure).

hi lyn2wen,
Scope probably could sense that I was unsure and indecisive on the issue, hence the 'leading' part. Don't 'ERRRR', okay?
 
mono,

u dun need to prove that he's hving affairs. just file for divorce and dump him
happy.gif
 
junkie,

I was worried that there is that slight chance that I might not win custody of our son. I thought by having evidence, it would greatly improve my chance.
 
Hi Monokuro,

Indeed I sense you are unsure and indecisive. No one in the right mind in such apparent case will ask if there is an affair or not if she is sure and decisive. LOL~

No women in the right mind chose to marry someone who won't make them feel love, feel wanted, and feel committed... So...

The point about you is that you don't understand men as many other women here don't as well.

Normally, a woman like you will feel harder with a child. Because you are the type who believes in a happy family. Which will make you more inclined to reject the blatant situation, which you did. Psychologically speaking, this is normal.

You now have three choices: 1. To divorce this man. 2. To endure him cheating once, then twice, then third time, then... 3. Or you understand Men, and you woo him back.

Do you understand why you cannot choose 1. and 2. straight away?

BTW, what did you not understand?

Junkie,

Umm~ You talking to me?
 
need to stop supporting hub.

funny thing about men is, rich stray, poor stray. Rich go hi-end KTV or private party, poor go Geylang or Desker.

need to stop supporting hub for him to re-wire his priorities. To some extent u may be more like a mother than a wife to him.

he says he wants to work hard and earn more for u and child but as long as you are supporting the supply for his food, phone, beer, drinks, fun, why is there really a need to work so hard? it should be you save your hard earned money, and he earns for himself, and the family in future. Otherwise, he won't move.

All this might be too late.

Do you want to save the marriage?

It's all about the money in this case. U gotta cut once and for all.
 
Scope,
dun assume. (im refering to your post at 11.51pm)

junkie,
to get divorce based on adultery needs evidence,not sure if a phone bill is sufficient? maybe babydoll can answer better.
 
Scope, I understand why I can't accept no 1 immediately and why I can't accept no 2 at all...

But seriously, I do not know how to do no 3. Honestly speaking, I thought if he cared enough he will choose us, if he doesn't then he won't. I never thought about 'wooing'. Could you elaborate more?
 
Lyn2wen,

Assumptions are the basic operational tool.

People are jumping in too simply. She'd be too easily misled... hence taking the simple or obvious route... which is a complete mistake.
 
Hi bedokboy

Yah... this is probably all too late, and you are most probably right about me being a more like mother to him... AAARGHHH! I'm getting angrier and angrier at myself now...

Have I been handling this wrongly all these while? It's like, I brought this upon myself!!!
 
Hi Monokuro,

Congrats. You are the first woman who wants an elaboration here. LOL~

Now...

Too many women, during courtship, made stupid choices. But during courtship, many women were to choose among men... forgeting the love also includes the chosen man to best other men and fight for his own happiness.

Too many women took happiness for granted. When they 'love', they are usually expecting to be 'chosen' everyday. Very few understand that happiness everyday has to be fought for.

Do you know why you cannot choose 1. immediately? Ie. to divorce straight away as everyone here would suggest?

Once you divorce him, the next man you'd be confronting will be yet another man as well. He may not truly love you, he may not even love your child in real, and he 'may hence change' again. Or... you may divorce him and end up hanging out with him for the rest of your life.

You are with this man... If you truly love him... you'd know him better than anyone. You'd know his everything, and his parents will likely to be your allies alongside with your child, isn't it so?

As compared to the other woman... Once his lust for her is over, she'd be dumped again. LOL~

Presented in front of you is the 3rd choice... IF you truly love him. However, provided ALSO that when you are married, he TRULY loves you.

If both of you are in real love, and he has love for you, you are the only one who can change him back to be your loving husband and the loving father. If you believe there is such a rule in this game, and he breaks it and you can divorce...

When has real love or relationship become a game with such a rule? There is only one issue: Do you love him, does he worth your effort?

Do you have no confidence with yourself to woo him back? LOL~ To make him love you again?

You can only go for divorce when you are certain that he doesn't love you truly, and there is no way you can woo him back. See?

Besides, you value your family very much... ... It'd be a fight for your family.

Are you prepared to fight for your happiness, or will you just destroy it completely with your hands?

Of course, are you sure when you married him... it's because you know he's really the one for you? If he is not, and you realise it now...

Option 3 will not be possible.

Junkie,

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å’±åˆä¸ç†Ÿã€‚ä½†æ¬¢è¿Žä½ æš—æ‹æœ¬å¸­ã€‚(狂笑-ing)
 
Junkie,
天上天下唯我独尊……
您大概ä¸çŸ¥é“,我是:
臭å±åˆç†ï¼Œæ”¾å±æ— ç½ªã€‚
çœ‹æ¥æ‚¨è¿˜çœŸçš„对我很感兴趣……
用了很多å®è´µçš„é’æ˜¥åŽ»çŸ¥é“å¶åƒï¼ˆå‘•å的对象)的芳å了å§ï¼Ÿ
佩æœï¼Œä½©æœ~
 
Scope, your post made me cry - I don't know why.

I don't think he doesn't love me at all anymore, but I don't know how much he still feels for me.

I have no confidence I could win him back - I forgot to mention that I have found a picture of him and TOW in our PC (not intimate one, just a normal, friendly one - I'm guessing it's her coz it's the only one with a female taken in Thailand). He looks... really happy with her in the picture... That broke my heart. I don't remember ever seeing him smiling so widely in pictures before...

When I married him I was really sure he was the one I would grow old with, I could never envision him having an affair like now. But I'm not so sure now...
 
junkie, I know what you are saying - I understand the need for self love.

But I'm really confused now. I thought I've gotten the answer to my question, but I have more questions in my mind now...
 
哎哟,您è€äººå®¶åƒåªèбè´è¶æ»¡åœºé£žã€‚。。能花多少时间?å‰åŽä¸è¿‡ä¸‰åˆ†é’Ÿ heehee。。。

芳å?
果然是个è€gay。。。

请继续孤芳自èµå§ä½ 
happy.gif
 



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