Is he right or wrong for me?

C

confused09

New Member
Dear all,


I just started reading posts on this forum and wanted to share with you my situation. I could really use some help in deciding what to do with my current relationship. I apologize for the long post.


I met Bryan through mutual friends while making my way out of a complicated affair with an ex colleague 2 years ago. He was 6 months out of a ten-year relationship when we met, and still in the midst of picking up the pieces. We didn’t hit it off as friends from the get go but gradually we developed a platonic friendship and maintained weekly contact for over a year. I didn’t enjoy his company tremendously then, but he had proven himself as a reliable friend, always available for company and patient with a listening ear when I was down and in need of advice. Gradually I fell for him and told him how I felt. I had no intention of going further because I didn’t think it would work out between us, just wanted to come clean with my feelings.


He responded saying the illogical side of him was attracted to me, but the logical side was more interested in a mutual friend of ours. The conversation ended with him saying it was best for me to move on because she was a better possibility for him. All reasons he gave seemed true, he had seen the worst side of me, I drank, smoked, argued with him frequently, no holds barred throughout the course of our friendship. I won’t drag this out but in short I had baggage and a complicated history. And his gripe was, I was still involved with my ex colleague. Ultimately, I believed he didn’t really like me that much, because if he did, he would’ve given it a shot.


What bothered me was, he’d bought the girl a birthday gift, which he kept for a few months, and after giving it to her at dinner with other friends, he came to me and said we should start dating each other. And for that to happen, he wanted me to cease contact with my ex colleague. I asked him whether it was because he found out the girl’s already attached and I’m the back up plan; he replied saying he just needed to move on from it so something can happen between us. The girl contacted him several times since then, but he hasn’t replied nor responded to her. I believed him for the most part but remained a little cautious, so we continued hanging out as friends. Fast forward 5 months, we ended up together.


Anyway, here’s the situation, we have been in a relationship for almost half a year now and it hasn’t been easy. A close friend of mine was genuinely surprised we ended up together because we didn’t seem like each other’s type. I’m more footloose, impulsive and fancy free, he’s more authoritative, guarded and traditional. We argue frequently and I think he’s staying on with me because he really wants to make things work between us. As for why he wants to make things work, I have no real idea why. He just seemed like the kind who gives his best in everything he starts. As for me, I believe love should be sketched, not constructed.


Here’s what bothers me, every step of the way for Bryan and I has been fraught with problems, we fight a lot and don’t understand each other, we can’t communicate and we’re both prideful. Although we always make up and get back together, it’s starting to wear me out and I don’t know how to proceed from here. And it’s only been 6 months… On top of being extreme opposites in personality and language, things I didn’t know about him when we were friends have surfaced during the course of our relationship. Especially family and education background, as well as upbringing, values and beliefs. I get it that opposites attract and he probably likes me and wants to be with me for now, but I’m starting to doubt the possibilities of a future between two people so different from each other.


He thinks things will improve as long as I tell him my expectations and after I quit smoking. I think things will only worsen when the initial rush of a new relationship starts wearing off.

He has qualities that I value, especially the promise of loyalty and security. He seems a little less complicated than the men I've met, almost untainted in his belief when it comes to relationships. Above all he puts in time, money and effort. But when I ask him why he’s with me, he replies saying all he wants is a long term and committed relationship with me. And I’m starting to wonder whether he is blindsided with optimism, or my own emotional baggage is locking me down. I don’t even understand why he is with me, since I have no qualities he values. So my only conclusion is, he is blindsided and his interest or devotion, won’t be permanent.


I don’t want things to crumble a few years down the road, because emotionally, I cannot afford another failed relationship. I don’t want things to end when he wakes up a year later and realizes I am far from the person he has in mind, whether logically or illogically speaking.


About 3 months ago, I quit my job and have been unemployed since. During this period of time he’s been supportive, morally and financially. And next to him, as a person, I’m really starting to feel very small. Sometimes, I feel that I’ve got a long way to go when it comes to self-improvement, before I’m prepared to take on a committed relationship. If I can’t even trust myself on so many things, I’m riddled with so much self doubt, what can I possibly offer in a committed relationship?


I don’t want to blow the opportunity with a good guy but at the same time, I’m really starting to wonder whether this is a mistake right from the start and it’s best to end things quickly instead of prolonging the misery. He says that there are no logical reasons for him to stay in this relationship, except he’s emotionally attached to me and hopes for the best. He thinks that given my history, there is a possibility I am flippant when it comes to commitment and loyalty. But mentioned a good way to dispel this belief is for me to quit smoking because if I’m determined enough to quit a long term bad habit, I will be determined enough to commit long term. I find his theory ridiculous. And I’m tempted to think that generally, the right thing to do is be with a person for who she is, instead of being with a person for who you hope she will become.


We have good and bad times together, but it’s wearing me out. Should I focus on getting my act together before even thinking about relationships? Is there such a thing as bad timing and incompatibility? Was his initial rejection towards me a clear sign that I am not the woman he wants deep down inside?
 


Opposite attracts...but after that initial attraction, the rest is up to the 2 person on how to keep the love going (I didn't mention passion, coz love does not necessarily mean passion)........

Both have to compromise in a relationship, not necessarily drastic changes in character, but changes to accommodate and come to love each other strengths and weaknesses and best, the companionship........

My hubby and I aren't 100% the same too...I will think we are only perhaps 20% similar...the remaining 80% differences cause a lot of frequent arguments, especially after marriage....

But importantly like what ur bf has mentioned, be outfront about each other expectations, but also learn that no everyone can match up to that expectations overnight....perhaps some adjustment needed.....

I think for a start, you need to sort out your own feelings and tots.....before deciding wat to do next....coz I can sense that you are confused with yourself....
 
From my reading, you seem to be very insecure. I reckon it could be prolly due to your break from work and your dependence on him. It seems that the issue to me is the different perspective of this relationship. He wanted a stable and committed one and you sound pretty unsure if you are the right one for him and you seems to be in la-la land. Could it be your past holding you back? I believe there’s something special about you that you do not see it yourself that this man has decided to be with you.
As you mentioned during your period of work break, you felt small when he’s been supportive of you in all areas. It seems to me as a pride issue. I would be very appreciative if my partner did the same to me and I know I will do the same for him should he be out of job. Relationship (I prefer to call it partnership) is knowing each other will be there and having faith that both want it to work.

I used to be a smoker too, but cut down after we got together. One day he saw me smoked during a group trip, his eyes was so upset. Till now I could remember the sadness in his eyes. I asked him what happened…. His closed ones suffered and in pain because of smoking he does not wish his kids to have with a smoker’s mum. Since then, Marlboro is out for me. Everyone has different theory and logic but the outcome is the same, for the good of you.

Back to your differences issue, my partner and I are very different people to start with. Different culture, background, we speak same English (but different Queen). Our understanding and usage of words causes shit loads of misunderstanding (as I usually process it in Mandarin). No couple is perfect. It is crucial for both heading towards the same track and outcome.

Would recommend you both have a heart to heart talk, tell him his qualities and you really appreciate him for who he is. Don’t be shy to let him know how you feel and your struggles. Truly appreciate someone who accepts you for whom you are, let you be who you are and make you a better person.

Choice, commitment and communication is very important. If you chose to be in a relationship, commit to him and strive to communicate, share good and bad stuff/thoughts with each other.

I wish you well.
 
confused 09:

First, ask yourself, whats your expectations in a r/s..

Is it money? Security? Love? Concern?

As the saying goes, its better to be loved than to love..

Follow your heart & do what your heart tell u to, coz we as outsiders can only give you some pointers & advices..

the ultimate choice is yours.. :D

FYI, i wasnt very atteacted to my hb when i first met him, coz he was way too friendly & talkative, while i'm a extremely quiet person..

He was very very noisy (we met at a party) & i never really noticed him in the first place, but was kinda irritated by the noise he had made, coz i was nursing a broken heart back then..

After the party ended, i suddenly receieved a Friendster msg from him & we started chatting from there...

Then i found that he was a genuine friend & soul mate..

He was always there when i needed someone, & i gradually developed feelings for him..

Like you, i told him about my feelings & surprisingly, he returned my feelings & thats where we started.. :D

And guess what??? After dating for abt 14 months, he popped the question..

But having grown up from a very traditional family, i told him to ask for Dad's approval before i could say yes to his proposal, & shockingly, Dad approved immediately, much least to our expectations!!! (my sis & BIL dated for 10 years before my Dad gave the nod)

So, what i'm trying to say is, there is no right timing or wrong timing..

Just follow what your heart tells you..

Girls being girls, would always follow what the head says..

But for once, try following your heart..

There is a saying, ji hui cuo guo jiu bu hui zai lai le..

All the best!! :D
 
no couples are 100% similar.. we are all bought up differently... even if background, culture are the same.. interests might be different too...

me and my bf also very different, he was brought up in a english speaking family and me is chinese speaking... he like to watch ang mo shows, i like to watch HK serials.. sometimes we wonder how we got together lol... and we have been together for almost 8 yrs...

it's nice to find a guy who can accept for who u r.. treasure him and work it out... we cant juz sit and wait for things to happen..
 
Yes indeed. I feel that you should be sorting yourself out as well. Because this relationship seems to be starting out that the both of you not being ready for each other. For you especially as you had no intent initially to be with him.

I do see it more of like a rebound. Companionship. In the long run, it's tough. It could work out I mean but it's gonna be tougher.

Bryan seems to be someone looking for someone with companionship that he feels that he can crave out with. In some essence, it's kinda one sided. I feel that he is someone who is unable to stand loniness.

On the smoking part as a proof of committment, I do not quite buy that lah. What makes a smoker lesser to commit in things? Such theory is comparable to ask a vegan to take meat to prove love. If you tell me stop due to health, okie lah. Stop to show commitment? erm...

My advice is, take a step back and sort it out. Being in a relation, you should be happy. Just put it simply and returning to the starting point. If you know that the proccess is going to be such, will you still give it a go with him? If you would, how are you gonna work with him on the different dynamics that you both carries?

Compatability plays a part in relationship. As in the sense of thoughts and maturity. The ability to compromise, accept and agreeing to disagree.

If you do feel like being in pair of oversized pants and dragging it along now, thats a sign. There ain't quite the good guy bad guy theory. You can easily sport them apart.

The most important is RIGHT or WRONG guy.
 
it's like searching for the perfect pair of shoes... they hv to be of the right size, comfy, timeless and long-lasting...
 
"it's like searching for the perfect pair of shoes... they hv to be of the right size, comfy, timeless and long-lasting..."

Do check the price tag too
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"I don’t want to blow the opportunity with a good guy.."

It doesn't sound like you r THAT into the r/s. More like "Hey, he's a good guy so shouldn't I be holding onto him?" You shouldn't have to worry about opportunity if he's really the guy for u.

Understand what is it that you want is more impt at this point..
 
Incompatibility... No matter how hard and sincere both of u can try. But, if the only way for any agreement to come by is having one party suppressing him/herself then its very hard to talk about a lifetime.

Learn to understand each other better. Only then, can u really reflect and ponder if u guys are suited.

I was with my ex for over 3 difficult yrs. She held on simply because she thinks I'm a good guy. One day, I suddenly realize how incompatible we were. And all the days of hardwork isn't going to change anything about this fact. When basic values and goals cannot be aligned, I would advise you to stop wasting your time.
 
confused09,

1. head says u want a good guy, heart says u prefer a bad guy...

2. good guy makes u feel lousy, bad guy makes u feel normal

3. normality makes u feel small and lost in the crowd, quirkiness and bad habits makes u feel like an individual.

I guess a large portion of it is a self-awareness that has developed in the course of the relationship... where most of us have come to expect more self-confidence and elation.

sounds like a pretty straightforward and decent guy, but also sounds like a guy who is not a great complement to your development as an individual... so u might get lost and drowned in him.

what do u think?
 
Soontobe and Gal,

I don’t think 100% compatibility exists, but a high level of it is. I think all relationships will face problems and challenges, especially after the initial attraction wears off. I don’t know where he’s at right now though I suspect he’s still in the initial phase and a little blindsided.

As for me, to be motivated to enough to overcome, compromise and sacrifice etc, the relationship needs to be exciting enough for me to even want to start. Initially I was okay with quitting smoking but the more he wants me to do it, the more unwilling I’ve become to even try.



GinASJM,

Yeah I belong more to the low self-confidence and esteem category, the thing is, the more I get to know him, the lousier I feel about myself. I think most of it comes from my experience, the past etc. For example, when he says I’m not very appreciative of what he’s done for me, and he feels taken for granted, I feel very disheartened. On the surface, he has spent more time effort money on the r/s compared to me but I’d like to think I contributed as well with what I can give. Fetch him around, pick him up, treat him for meals, speak his language, give up the time I spend with friends… if he starts with $50 and I start with $10, he puts in $10 and I put in $5, between him and I, who has given more?

Another example was yesterday, I didn’t feel like going out at all, but did so anyway because he was pissed about my canceling. In the end I showed and tried to enjoy myself, but when I see couples around me smiling and laughing, I cannot help but wonder why my own relationship cannot be filled with that kind of laughter. Towards the end of the night he said he doesn’t feel loved by my actions, and I was like, great, so my dragging myself out today doesn’t even mean a thing or yield any results.

He wanted to catch a show, so I went. I told him to choose, he refused, so I did. In the end, what I chose depressed him, even when my intention was to expose him to a different genre, it’s not even a tragedy. You get the drift.

The night ended when I took out a cigarette and he said if having a conversation like this is going to make me smoke, he’d rather not talk so he slammed my door and left. Whereas to me it doesn’t make a difference whether or not we’re having another convo about the r/s, but if he stayed, at least I’d feel guilty enough to stop.

Sometimes I think he condemns me internally, whereas he says we demonstrate love in very different ways. But if we can’t even laugh together or get along now, why even bother talking about demonstrating love?



Hei Bee Hiam and MiLo,

Thanks for your advice, really appreciate it. You hit the nail on the head in many ways cos I’m asking myself the same questions you’re asking me. Compared to his ex gf who seems like a real giver, I don’t have as much to give. I think though that 10 years of r/s with her has conditioned him in terms of expectations and definitions.

For now I don’t have the answers, but if he insists I don’t have to do a single thing except quit smoking, then I will do it. If the situation doesn’t improve in 3 months even after I quit smoking, then I’ll end the relationship. To me that theory is all bullshit, but will do it anyway just so because I tried.



MiLo, I don’t want him to be that guy you were during your 3 difficult years. Which was why I really think that if I don’t have any qualities he value or seek, and all he is hanging on to right now is me quitting a bad habit, something is fundamentally very wrong. I also don’t want to go 3 years with him only for him to realize 3 years later how incompatible we are. I just don’t know how to get that point across to him anymore.



powder,

I want a good guy cos I’ve seen the bad ones before.

It’s not a good versus bad guy dilemma at all, more of a right or wrong one. But self-awareness yeah, you’re right about that. He has opened up my views about how relationships can possibly be, happy, fulfilled etc but that was the beginning, which was why I went into it.

Getting lost and drowned yeah, like someone mentioned, it’s starting to feel like an oversized pair of pants I’m dragging all over town. Now I just wish we aren’t so different.
 
littlemsnaughty and MrsF0ng2b,

If the way I act, respond or react is not aligned with his idea of 'love', I don't know what else needs to be changed in order for both our needs to be met. I don't really need to be in a relationship to feel complete and even though friends family etc keep telling me I'm old and it's time to settle down, I don't find marriage an important priority. In that way, bf and I are very different too.
 
confused09,

Based on your example,

"Another example was yesterday, I didn’t feel like going out at all, but did so anyway because he was pissed about my canceling. In the end I showed and tried to enjoy myself, but when I see couples around me smiling and laughing, I cannot help but wonder why my own relationship cannot be filled with that kind of laughter. Towards the end of the night he said he doesn’t feel loved by my actions, and I was like, great, so my dragging myself out today doesn’t even mean a thing or yield any results."

I had a best friend who is rather similar to how you acted in this instance. Recently, I visited her in Australia where she was doing her masters. We had planned where we'd go over the weekend and I was really looking forward to it when she wanted to cancel on the morning we were supposed to go out. I was understandably very disappointed and it showed on my face and in my voice.

I went ahead with our plans alone while she went to her school library to study. 3 hours later, she called me and said she'd join me cos she felt bad about how she treated me. I waited for her to arrive, and when she did, I could see that it was a halfhearted attempt. I was actually enjoying my day before she arrived but seeing her with her 'don't really wanna be there' face, it really spoilt my day. I guess to her, just her physical presence would be enough, even though her mind was somewhere else. I appreciate what she did, but really... having someone around who obviously isn't enjoying herself when I'm on holiday is horrible. I'd rather she didn't join me and just let me enjoy myself rather than join, then show me her black face. And yes, dragging herself out that day didn't mean a thing to me. I appreciated her gesture, but I resented that she spoilt the whole day for me with her attitude.

"He wanted to catch a show, so I went. I told him to choose, he refused, so I did. In the end, what I chose depressed him, even when my intention was to expose him to a different genre, it’s not even a tragedy. You get the drift."

On this, I think the both of you are just too different to appreciate each other. To me, I think it's ok for him to be depressed after watching the show. Shows that he was affected by what was conveyed. Did he blame you for choosing the show? If not, then why are you blaming him for being depressed after watching it?
 
confused09,

think the self-awareness part is what makes it tough... it's tough to manage a relationship when we're in the midst of a major change in mindset/lifestyle/career environment...

so give yourself Some breathing space... dun feel compelled to make immediate decisions but let your relationship take a backseat for now... u should place Yourself at the frontseat, and focus on explorign yourself... who u are, what defines u, what makes u happy and fulfilled etc... i feel only when we have stabilised on ourselves... can we really enjoy our relationships without First being stable ourselves?

i'm not telling u, just throwing u a few questions which u might like to explore... perhaps the exploration in itself... will reveal some answers to your inner thoughts...
 
confused09,

have the thought that "you don't actually like this guy" came across your mind?

I cancel all my trips and outing with my ex (last minute cancel some more) because i odon't feel like going out with him. And eventually i realized that i don't like him. He is a very good guy as well. In the end i still freed both of us.
 
confused09,

I dun think you should change yourself in any r/s unless that change is what u want.

From your initial post and your replies tells me that you already know what u shd do. Since marriage is not in your agenda, then y are u still hesitating?
 
Hello Confused09

From your above post, i could see the effort you put in (by paying/ fetch him/ put in contribution, whilst you're not obligated to do so) to tell him you are not taking him in granted and that's your way to show him appreciation.

I believe it's important to be with someone who makes you feel wonderful being you and not someone whom he wants you to be.

My partner is happy to see me growing more woman-like but retaining my original flavour. I do not have to hide my flaws and damn comfy in my own skin. He knows my weakness and help me to be a woman and he is also growing together in this r/s. It is very important for both to grow together to move forward into future when more responsibilities comes abound. Complementing each other is very important, use each other strength and weakness to work things out in daily life.

You know what this relationship brings you and makes you (now & imagine in long-run). I wish you happiness, whether single or not. Snap out of your unhappiness.

Hey, I do not appreciate the way he slammed the door at you. Doesn't sound like a gentleman to me. By you pulling out a ciggy still does not justify his act. Regarding the movie, get him to live with it. I don't understand how can a movie get him into such state. I watched Slumdog Millionair and lost my appetite & got nightmare after that ->damn dramatic but thats me. He commented damn good movie, i could only smile back at him and live with it.....
 
KrispyKreme,


Don't know about appreciating each other but we're definitely very different. Not blaming him for being depressed after the show, but I was surprised at his reaction. It was intended to be stylish and action packed
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It's not the first time anyway, when I picked drama, he thinks I could be mental like the female lead. He finds it disturbing why I would enjoy horror, gore and zombie flicks so I also stopped watching it. He likes slapstick, I really don't have the stomach for Adam Sandler comedies that are so cheesy it's not even funny.

This is an example of how different our tastes can be ba.
 
cowcow, breakingfRee, GinaASJM and especially powder,

I've decided to quit smoking, whether I'm doing it for the sake of his approval or for myself, I'm still unsure. Only know that the only one who stands to benefit is me and my health so there's no point in resisting that idea anymore.

Spent some time over the weekend mulling over this and I came to realize, maybe there is no mr right or mr wrong. As long as he's mr right now, can liao. No point living too far out in the future, wondering if this relationship is another mistake and being afraid of wasting time. As long as I still like him, he shows effort and devotion, that's enough.

powder is right, all that energy should be dedicated to nurturing myself. The relationship is important but it cannot be my current focus. If it doesn't work out eventually, I'll still walk away learning something.
 
Hi Confused09,

Good on ya to decide to quit smoking. Since you made up your mind on this, i wish you well and happiness.

Just to share our joy of getting our first own place last Sat after spending 8 long months of searching, praying, inspecting, biddings and auctions. It's all well-worth the wait.. God answered our prayers in His timing.

The jerks i met when i was much younger (i thanked them for teaching me how to spot the right one) made me cherished the man whom i'm with now and i've nothing more to ask for. May God bless you. Cheers,.
 
tat's beautiful... yes we always walk away learning something... i think this mindset is in itself - a very strong factor in our ability to grow...

erm, quit smoking? i find that hard cos i've been influenced by media... like how sandra ng lights up after the intimacy sessions... hehe.
 
"Spent some time over the weekend mulling over this and I came to realize, maybe there is no mr right or mr wrong. As long as he's mr right now, can liao. No point living too far out in the future, wondering if this relationship is another mistake and being afraid of wasting time. As long as I still like him, he shows effort and devotion, that's enough."

Been following this thread.....see a bit of my past self in the current you in terms of the mentality on relationship.

After coming out of a relationship that followed a marriage that did not work, I became eager to do "right" or "make right" past mistakes to gain my family's approval and trust by being with a "good man" by society's perception. Today, I know he has his own merits but just not right for me. That was why I was unhappy with myself, him and us as every little thing had entailed some forms of compromise. I got tired of it.

I have found my answer some time ago. Hope you would find your own answer soon.
 
i feel it boils down to expectation. u cant find a partner that is 100% wat u like.

it takes 2 to make a relationship works. if both of u are willingly to work out all problems that comes along the way, the r/s will get stronger.
 
Quiting smoking will be a gd decision not only for the relationship, but also your life..

I feel that your boyfriend is too 'logical'..I had a boyfriend like tt too, and he is always reminding me how caring he is towards me, and tt i don't give him enough. initially, i tried to put in more..but he kept constantly reminding me tt it is not enough..It is as if love could be calculated according to his "logic".
Very soon, i developed a thought that i am very 'incompetent' as a girlfriend and felt very small... After some time, i felt tt no matter how much effort i put in, he is still not satisfied. Even when he is such a caring n attentive person, being with him can actually make me feel so tired instead. For less than 3 months, we broke off.

"He says that there are no logical reasons for him to stay in this relationship, except he�s emotionally attached to me and hopes for the best."
Does being in a relationship even require logical reasons? Is he trying to say tt there are no logical reasons for him to fall in love with you because you have no qualities which appeal to him? No offence, but if his love can be so LOGICAL, den maybe you should start asking yourself if you are looking for such a partner when u r a person who "believe love should be sketched, not constructed."

As for this "For example, when he says I�m not very appreciative of what he�s done for me, and he feels taken for granted,", mayb you should ask him for his weighing machine n weigh to see if his effort and your appreciation are equal.

Gd luck
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confused09,

Give you an analogy to think about. Maybe it can sort out your thoughts easier.

You sound like you desperately need to buy a bag at a store. You see a few choices, and find one whose design you seem to like. You pick it up but only to realize there are holes and tears inside. From the outside, you can't tell it's faulty inside. You ask the store assistant for a new one but you're told There's no new one. It's the only display set.

You are in a dilemma now. But you need a bag and you yearn for one. You refuse to look for other bags or give yourself more time to search for one at another store. The other bags you see in front of you don't interest you.

Question: Will you buy the bag with the faults inside? You can still use it. But you know you will be paying for something that is not totally clean and brand new. 1 year, 2 years, 5 years down the road, will you regret you bought the bag? Can you live with those faults? Or do you think the faults will cause the bag to deteriorate even further easily?
 
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