I wonder how a man can love his wife and cheat on her at the same time?

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elizann

New Member
Often I wonder how can a man be a loving husband yet be a cheating husband at the same time? I have heard so many of such cases. Initially, I was skeptical. How can a man love and cheat at the same time? Usually a man will cheat when he is unfaithful type or is lacking something in the marriage. And usually such cases the husband is no longer that loving.But loving and cheating?

Recently I heard that a colleague's loving husband had been cheating on her and not showing her respect by continuing his affair despite her crying and scolding him. Husband claims no sex is involved, only touching and kissing and that he is just going out with this girl for harmless fun and that he still wants the marriage. But at the same time he wanna still friend the girl and continue their relationship behind her back.

I am puzzled..... the husband can show love and concern by fetching his wife to where she wants to go, celebrate wedding anniversaries by bringing her on holidays, etc. He even drives her to work when it rains and he will drive the car from the carpark to the linkway at their flat so that she need not walk all the way to the car. He is so caring, so how come he can be a cheating husband too?

Sounds like a person with double personality? When I know about such cases, it does dawn on me that relationships can be so complex.
 


There could be a couple of reasons for this:

1) The wife may not be providing the man with the necessary emotional/physical needs & hence his tendency to look outward.
2) He misses the thrill of "chasing". In which case the wife would have to spice up the relationship so he could be "enticed" by her "mystery". Contrary to common female belief, the man is not responsible for spicing up the relationship all the time. Why should men be the only ones doing all the romantic things for their lady love? Men need TLC from their partners as well.

The key is not to make such a big fuss such that it drives the man into the other woman's arms (which could be exactly what the other woman wants). It's difficult to step back and analyse the situation calmly but to win her husband back, the wife needs to be cool, calm and collected.

It's almost like planning a military campaign. Heh.
 
"no sex is involved, only touching and kissing"

yeah, a little more than Emotional Cheating :P
perhaps a tad too liberal for ur taste
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"the husband can show love and concern by fetching his wife to where she wants to go, celebrate wedding anniversaries by bringing her on holidays, etc. He even drives her to work when it rains and he will drive the car from the carpark to the linkway at their flat so that she need not walk all the way to the car. He is so caring, so how come he can be a cheating husband too?"

- any guy can manage 2 gfrens this way...
 
Eliz - Reading your posting from various threads, I begin to "worry" for you. Your circle of friends/colleagues are feeding your with negatives ideas on love/marriage....

I do agree that there may not be "everlasting" love/marriage. But there are also "good ending" for marriage...

Everytime you start a new thread, it's something negative. Afterwhich, when forummers start to discuss with positve inputs, you will agree and "back to track"... But again, when you start another thread, negative inputs start pouring in.. It's like going merry go round....

Dun you have a mind of your own?? Your emotional feeling tends to "sway" easily by outer factors.. That is unhealthy to sustain a relationship.. Things can be simplify but it's juz onself to make it look complex...
 
agree with iris. your topics are mainly of what people tell you, should start to judge situations on your own rather than being influenced by others. relationships are manageable as long as u try to balance what makes your partner ticks and what yourself wants. For example if it tortures you that your HB/BF gets friendly/dates another girl and nothing seems to get the message through, then put an end to this relationship. If you are ok with it and your partner didn't leave you, then continue with relationship. Sometimes its just how the other person is wired you know, some people are happier with life if they have multiple partners, some are happy with just dating forever and not get married ... Life is really too short to for us agonize just over these things.
 
Hi Iris and headache, I have never been in a relationship till I met this guy. And I am grateful to have so many forumers here giving me advice cos I am mostly helpless on relationships...that is why I get influenced so easily. I am usually not that influenced in other areas of my life. Thanks for the advice
 
Eliz: How long are u in this current r/s? We tend to feel insecure at the starting of a r/s.... most importantly is not to be easily influenced and not to assume in a r/s...
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My relationship started late last year and it is just a few months. I am happy, but sometimes insecure feelings tend to come in. Guess I got to be strong and dispel negative and insecure thoughts. Thanks for the advice. Will take heed.
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Eliz: There are a lot of 1st times in our lives... Alot of things are beyond our control as well... Thus, don't think or assume too much, you will enjoy much more happiness in one way or another.
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Hope things are getting on ok in this r/s, because usually first few months are generally honeymoon, but your posts show you're pretty troubled in this short period.
 
hi headache and littlewoman, thanks for the encouragement.

I did alot of thinking and reflection, and I realise that my troubles (like what headache mentioned) actually do not come from this r/s. It comes from myself...being insecure, worrying and thinking too much and hearing too many negative views from "friends". We are doing very well, but, I think and am insecure...which is not good cos it will hurt the blossoming r/s....

I'll work on my relationship and on myself, so that the weaknesses mentioned above will not affect my r/s. I'll not let this affect my future happiness
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hi Eliz,

your curiosity and hunger to know More is always a good thing, from a learning point of view... so i can appreciate that...

one thing that u may learn over time, is that for relationships where discoveries abt each other n new experience with each other - are almost part of the relationship itself, that Time and lots of Free-Will is a very very important ingredient in cementing the relationship itself.

therefore there Will be times where being overly pro-active and eager inquisitions into What the future might hold - Will actually cause more harm than good. and some of these harm are Irreversible... particularly those that include checks/controls/tests...

nomatter what u hear from others, what others encourage... i would wanna strongly advise u to Always look at Your guy n Your relationship First... and whether u even need to do all these checks.

as a guy, my wife does not do all these with me... nor my gfrens. i am the type who will Not give any chances once my privacy has been invaded... Just to know that my gfren/wife mistrusts me - it will kill the entire relationship for me, and i do not wish to proceed further... it is that simple. If your guy happens to be like my type, u dun even get 1 chance.

some guys can go thru alot of checks/tests... some guys can't... Dun judge your bfren with your frens' eyes nor fashion it after a similar formula... no 2 mix are the same...

that is where the crux of "discoveries abt each other n new experience with each other - are almost part of the relationship itself"... comes in.

have fun!
 
Eliz, you cannot nib the problem in the bud if you do not know the root cause.

Your insecurity shows you have little faith in yourself and your own resources; it is starting to consume your thoughts.

Do you know why you feel so insecure about the relationship even though it is smooth sailing?

Maybe you could start by asking yourself: Is it a case of low self-esteem? Broken marriage of your parents'? Are there differences in what you and your bf expect from the relationship?
 
Hi doll,I come from a broken home, where my dad had lotsa women outside and my mum would cry and vent her anger on me...still remember how insecure I felt, and I was just in pri school....they divorced when I was just in Pri 2.

my bf always assures me...he tells me what he expects and I do to...but I guess the fear/insecurity of my childhood has made me worry at every single thing I see or think about with regards to relationship...

it is me, not him.
 
just enjoy & appreciate each other's company. this is your first relationship, take it slow and savour each moment
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ditch your friend liz... they are a bad influence. there is a saying : behind every successful man, there is a supportive wife. I doubt you will give that type of support if you continue to have negative thoughts.

Also, this type of negative thoughts will destroy even the most stable / loving relationship. So, either you go ahead with your guy or ditch him and stay a sphinter forever.

Nobody can help you maintain your own r/s. it's yours and your unique r/s with your unique guy. so spend more effort to better the r/s from the start instead of listening to friends for negative views.

Human brains loves negative thoughts. When something bad really happens, the brain will think:"see see i told you so" to comfort the person. Successful people will do the opposite. They think positively and when something does goes wrong, they force the brain to come out with a solution that will continue the positive thinking. This case the brain will not wallow in self pity.

Are you ready to be this successful lady who thinks differently and supports your r/s with your SO?
 
Hi Roger, I definetely want to be the supportive and loving wife...yes, I am ready to be this successful lady who thinks positive, thinks differently and support my r/s with my SO!! thanks for the advice. will heed it (and ditch those bad friends too...)
 
I welcome you to the world of positive thinking. It's not going to be easy, strive for it. Spread the thought ya...
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what goes around comes around. eventually positive thinking will be your habit.
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Hi Eliz, saw your post last friday, and on sunday, you seem happier and ready to be the supportive wife. so do we hear wedding bells soon (bf proposed on friday) ?
Cheers.
 
thanks Roger. Yes, not easy, cos negative thoughts can just subconsciously come in. but now that I am more aware of such negative thoughts, I do make an effort to make myself think positively. and I do feel much better after that...
 
Eliz, when a negative thought hits, just stop entertaining it. Positive people are also hit by negative thoughts but they learn to arrest those thoughts before they spiral out of control.
 
thanks Doll. I have been doing this the last few days....and I feel much happier now and my heart and head also feels lighter when I banish those thoughts.....no more worrying about silly stuff.
 
Hey, that's a good start!

Don't be in a hurry to cement the relationship. Give him and yourself the time to get to know each other better. Time will tell what kind of person he is.
 
"I wonder how a man can love his wife and cheat on her at the same time?"

Actually, the truth can be said for a woman as well.

Alot of people have weak will and when somebody are nice to us, its really a big temptation.

The weak ones will give in regardless of gender.

The weak and responsible ones will give in but will still try their best to take care of the family.

The weak and irresponsible ones will give in and wreak havoc to the family that care for them.
 
"the husband can show love and concern by fetching his wife to where she wants to go, celebrate wedding anniversaries by bringing her on holidays, etc. He even drives her to work when it rains and he will drive the car from the carpark to the linkway at their flat so that she need not walk all the way to the car. He is so caring, so how come he can be a cheating husband too?"

Frankly, there is nothing extraordinary about all these acts you mentioned. Maybe the husband treats the wife as a kin. Don't we all do these for our family members?
 
everyone is capable of doing anything when someone was forced to fufill its own desire and venture by environment and lifestyle condition.
 
Hi doll...thanks for all your encouragement...ur words always seem so wise. for ur last qn...yes, we do all these for our family members. looking back at what I wrote, my perception is now different...if u knw what I mean...=)
 
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