I know it's normal but....

P

pondering_me

New Member
Question: HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PARTNER ADDED SOME SEXY BEAUTIFUL BIKINI GIRLS AS FRIENDS IN HIS FACEBOOK?

I know it's perfectly normal for a guy to look and admire beautiful girls but a part of me cannot accept and because of this, I find myself slipping into depression.

I find myself so contradicting. I can accept my hubby downloading porno videos but not this facebook thingy. I feel that those facebook girls are 'live' person to chat with or some real life photos to admire at, therefore I feel so uncomfortable. According to him, he doesn't chat with those girls which I trust him on this. This issue has been bothering me for a month, to the extend when we make love, I'm worried that he might be thinking of those girls and/or might think to himself "why isn't my wife like one of the girls?".

Help... everyday I just feel like crying, when my gal gets naughty, I get frustrated much more easily than before.

Hubby and I have talked or rather quarreled over these, it happened again last night and to him, he feels that even if he deleted them as friends, other problems might occurred. I'm upset that he can't understand how I feel. I'm upset that he feels that I'm not accepting reality.

I have no self confidence... I feel old... useless... unattractive... especially when I'm alone. Whenever hubby is with me, I'm perfectly normal. Am I suffering from depression?
 


Pondering,

Did you ask him who took the initiative to add as friends? If it is the gals who have initiated, then your hb may just accept without giving much thought into it. But if it is your hb who is adding them, I find it strange that he doesn't chat with them though he has taken the initiative to add them. Not sure about him, but if I don't even have the intention to be friends with someone, I will not initiate to add them or accept their invitation. Maybe I am very "dao".

I tend to agree with him that if his intention is to stray, deleting them as friends is not going to stop him from straying. He can still find other ways to stray.

You are suffering from insecurity and lack of self confidence. Why don't you try to build up your confidence level by say losing some weight (if you fare badly in in this area), dolling yourself up, taking up activities that can help to boost your confidence level? Are you a homemaker? If you are, maybe if possible, you can try to get a job so that you can feel useful? A career can boost one's self confidence if you can excel in it and it can keep you occupied and keep those unconstructive thoughts away. Hopefully when your confidence level is boosted, you will feel differently?

Another thing is, since you trust him, then no point quarrelling with him over this issue. If you were in his shoes and your wife told you on the one hand that she trusted you and on the other hand kept picking or quarelling over this, how would you have felt?
 
Cuclainne,
You are right... I really feel insecured. It's been 9years being together and I still feel this way, I'm just a flop.
 
Procrastinator,

The first time we argued over this issue, he told me that they are game friends but subsequently, I realise that he is the one adding them and to the extend of searching in facebook for 'bikini girls', 'female mafia' etc. That's why I'm very uncomfortable and felt betrayed even though he has not strayed.

Yes, I am a homemaker. He prefers me to look after our gal myself although we have a maid, my gal is only 21mths now so she's taking up most of my time and looking for a job is a definitely no from him.

You hit the spot, he said if I trust him, why are there still so many "buts" from me. I really duno how would I feel, if my partner doesn't trust me, I will do all things to gain his trust. To me, trust is to be gained, not to be given. In my case, I felt that the trust has been betrayed even though I still believe he wouldn't go overboard.
 
hi pondering, pls dont feel tat way. Insecurity is part & parcel tat one has gotta deal with. Y do u feel unattractive & all? Are u a full time homemaker? Im one & proud to be one.
happy.gif
Perhaps 1st thing is to internalise & Think thru y u feel this way? U mean throughout e 9 years, u feel so?
 
Happyxin,

How I hope I could have a happy nick like yours.
I don't know what go into me, there are ups and downs in our relationship, then marriage. Maybe he's the type who doesn't really allow me to voice out thus I've been suppressing my emotions. During normal days he really dotes on me 'internally' but whenever he quarrels, he becomes a devil. Sometimes I even thought he lacks of anger management.

I'm a full time homemaker, I used to stay in Msia with him for our family business till I gave birth to my gal. Now he's only back to spore for 2 days per week. Initially I was happy being a homemaker with an adorable healthy gal till I found out that he has been going out drinking almost 3 times a week when he's in Msia. I've overcome this issue but now is this facebook. One after another, I'm really tired. I even imagine myself dead and how pitiful my gal is without a mother, just because he said I'm better off dead being such a wife.
 
Hi Pondering!

You are not alone. The first time my boyfriend added a girl whom he doesn't know in real life (he accepted the request, but he is not the one who make the request), I just asked him (we were talking on msn) casually who she is. When I realised that it is some random girl, I just tell him that I am uncomfortable with him adding random girls online. Luckily he understand and promised he wont do it again. =)

I have another girlfriend who gets upset that some girl keep "poking" (via superpoke, not the facebook one, so you can do things like kiss, hug, etc) her bf on facebook. She doesn't mention it to her bf, but she asked their mutual friend (a guy) whether he knows that girl or not.

I agree that feeling insecure is part and parcel, everyone has their own boundary beyond which they are uncomfortable with. Perhaps you can continue to monitor the situation first before you raise the issue again.

The part about trust, for me I have explained it to my bf that I feel it has to be earned. And just because I trust him now doesn't mean it stays there forever. Trust has to be maintained too. Don't let what your hubby said makes you feel guilty. If he wants trust, he has to work on maintaining it - via honourable action.

Just my opinion, hope it helps! =)
 
Hi again!

Is it possible for you to at least find a part time job? Sometimes guys may "ya ya" think that just because he is the one earning all the $$ then he can boss around and do whatever he likes. If you have a means of supporting yourself, he will realise that you can still survive without him and may keep his behaviour in check.

Hope it helps!
 
Hi pondering,

as much as my name suggest that i am "happy", it is a state of mind that i have to work towards to get myself to be, everyday.
happy.gif


I too had similar problem just tat my hb went one step ahead. he actually got the gals out on dates and flirted with them with all the mushy mushy talking.

actually, i don't quite understand.. so you guys are staying apart, am i rite?

to start of, you should look inwards to yourself.
do you feel unattractive cos your hb is looking up sexy gals on facebook?
you should start to look towards making yourself feel "attractive" again. one must feel good about themselves from within to have others find you "attractive". confidence is the key. if you are not even comfortable with yourself, then how can one be attractive?

or perhaps you think being a homemaker makes you unattractive?
please don't. your gal is so lucky to have you by her side to take care of her, compare to mummies who do not want to or cant, do the caring by themselves, and have to send the children to childcare etc.
the role that you are playing as a care giver to your gal is equally, if not more impt than your husband's role of bringing back the dough.
there's no "superioity" betw the spouses, just different job scopes in the marriage.
happy.gif

if you think, one must "earn money" to feel better, there are many other options to go about doing tat. online selling, part time, etc.
or perhaps you really want to go back working full time, just that your hb "do not allow", thus making you feel restrained"?

you mentioned that he does not like you to voice out your opinions. that is not healthy. you got to correct that.
just to share, i used to be a meek lamb. i dared not voice my differences or objections and if my hb was angry over something, whether it's gotta do with me or not, i would just keep quiet and let him vent his anger by shouting at me or the children and throwing and banging things. and the ONLY way i communicated to him was via writing, after the whole storm..and he would just read and put the note away, so i don't actually know if he understood whatsoever cos no feedback from him either.. can you imagine that.. then his anger and tantrums grew, cos he was so used to stepping all over me, and the emotions that i suppressed also grew, with all the pent up, unexpressed emotions.. and one day i blew!
i called the police on him on one occassion even, for behaving like a mad man!

if you are like me, you may think that it is wrong that our hbs stepped all over us. yes indeed, they shouldnt throw tantrum at us. but we are also wrong for letting that HAPPEN. therefore, i learnt that i have to discard the fear of expresing vocally and calmly, our stands and feelings when the situation calls for it.. this was what i learnt from counselling and it was like, woke me up..

it was really unthoughtful of him to say that "he said I'm better off dead being such a wife." ...

I don't understand what you mean by "doting on you internally.." thou...

anyway, does your hb spends time with you as a couple and as a family? he does needs his space too thus going out for a drink with frens at decent places should be ok.
wat i mean is if he is mature and responsible enough, he should know where the boundaries are.. eg, he dont drink until come home in a state of coma or hang out at those sleazy clubs to drink. else having a drink with frens is fine, just like you would if you were to spend time with your frens,rite?

yes, you should trust your hb. give him the benefit of the doubt to expand his social circle, and in fact, you should too.
happy.gif


it is normal that guys swoon at pretty gals, however, if he is OBSESSIVELY seeking scantily-clad women to add and befren, don't your hubby have better ways to use his energy, in bonding with his daughter and nurturing the marriage?

and by asking you to "face the reality", what does tat mean?
meaning you should be convinced and take in your stride tat woman should stay home and keep quiet and just wait for hb to come home after he "plays" outside and that a man belongs to the wild world and should be playing the field?

cos that was wat my idoitic hb said.

just to share, in reply to wat my hb said, i retorted by saying then perhpas he would want a wife who goes drink herself silly in the company of other men and telling them how miserable she is in her marriage and goes to work to earn money just to cloth herself in branded fashion and goes clubbing everyday without caring for the children, just dump them to caregiver... ><

marriage is not to be taken for granted.. seems like your hb needs to be reminded of this. he seems to be a bit MCP. gotta communicate with your hb. talk like you guys did when you are dating, not nag or shout and scream thou, ie, how you bring your msg across.

but most important and foremost, you gotta find the confidence and happiness in yourself first.. it is not easy but i am sure you can do it.

just my piont of view.
happy.gif
 
tat's one of the curse of the current generation...

as much as th internet has connected us, it has also made us so dependent on the alter-egoes which we would otherwise not feel complete. it started with frenster, then facebook... of cos Purpose is one of the more impt factors... there's pple in linkedin for professinal reasons, likewise there's pple in other networks for Shady reasons...

thing is, some pple feel defined by that webpage, the one which state who they are and where they come from, and that definition is Enhanced with numerous picts of Beautiful Pple whom they 'know'...

already, there are pple who treat their nicks here with so much regard that they think there's some popularity/seniority/happening Link somewhere there...

some pple NEED this to feel important, wanted, connected etc... it's a validity phase, a Pride/ego requisite, it's many many things... but end of the day who are we to judge? i guess it depends...

thing is - the Art of it is to just MYOB. i simply dun understand the need for pple to Know/Discover/Explore/Investigate abt each other nopmatter how curious u are. the thing is - dun check opn his facebook frenster or whatever page... why do u need to do that?

that's the problem with some of u... u wanna Check, and then u wanna feed your own securities, and blah blah. i'm pretty sure u're gonna say something to justify...

Some ppl eare very weird... they see beautiful girls, they feel insecure. Both of u are Inscure... 1 needs to Beef up Face, the other needs loads of security, both might be equally shallow...

i've never gone into my wife's facebook, that's HER Life, Her ownership, Her alter-ego If she uses it for that purpose. she can add brad pitt or takeshi or whatever hunk out there for all i care... it's her life.
 
Just to clarify but not encouraging you to analyse or imagine further, you won't know who added who first on Facebook. Also, understand that most of us have an online persona say on Facebook or whatnots and it is not 100% the person in real-life. It doesn't matter who superpoked who and for what, who added who first, who your partner has added. We are not teenagers here, are we?

I have over 250 friends on my Facebook, but in real life I don't talk to all of them (but who knows I may start talking to some of them in future); some of my best pals are not on my Facebook. There are people whom I don't even know, who could be friends' friends, that had added me. My 18-year-old niece is stated as married on her Facebook! Oh, an ex-bf's current gf is also on my Facebook. These shouldn't bother anyone because it doesn't bother me. Just a place that I share some photos, keep in touch with some friends, crap (my nieces find me crappy haha), and chill out.

Why need to Facebook stalk our spouse/partner or analyse so much?
 
doll, nowadays pple go explore into each other's accounts to get some form of security... i never expected we'd reach this level but we have... handphone Wallpapers and the like... WHy?
 
Hi, I have some 300 over friends in facebook. Its because I need more friends to join me in the games to increase my power. Most of which, I do not know too. We only challenge each other in the online games in facebook! I don't see my wife getting all so negative.
 
Pondering,

I guess it really depends on your hb's purpose/ character. If he has a shady purpose/intention, then there may be some reasons why he is doing certain things. But if he is doing all this in the name of fun, then you are reading too much into it and making yourself miserable. If he is really straying, you will be able to feel it and find out somehow. Of course I am not telling you to start to probe into his hp, emails etc to check if he is straying. I believe you are having such thoughts because of your insecurity at play. If he is truly innocent and you are constantly quarelling with him over such stuff, it may become a self fulfulling prophency.
 
Hi Altiora,
You're lucky that your bf understands and promised not to do it again. For my hb, he didn't and instead blame me for not trusting him. I just wonder how do I trust him completely when he does things like this.

I'm just trapped within my own circle. If I were to get a job, it's either I go back to my family business or hb's business. Although I am homemaker, I dun take my income from hb, it's from my family business.
 
Hi Happyxin,

Thanks so much for your advices, you really make me feel that I'm not alone. For the past weeks, I've been feeling so depressed and upset, crying almost everyday when this thing came to my mind.

You must have felt terrible when ur hb went out with them and flirted. I dun think I can accept to that extend.

Actually if I really doll up, I do have the look somehow but i feel disgusting looking at myself weighing 52kg at 1.55m. It feels even worse after I know that my hb looks at those beautiful sexy gals and befriend them, to the extend I felt terrible when we make love. I'm worry that he might just feel disgusted comparing me with them. I agree with you that confidence are built from within, think it's a very big and tough step for me to build it up.

In fact, my hb's behaviour is rather similar to that of ur hb, sometimes he would also blew up at some arguments which I think are minor but to me, he just acted like a mad man. If I tried to say more, he would even 'action' to want to hit me and I will just keep my mouth shut. There were a few times he actually used violence, the last time was a year ago when he slapped me in a pub. I never hold it against him even though he used violence on me. Sometimes I blame myself for making him so heat up (although I'm not that extremely unreasonable type).

Yes, every sunday is our family day, bring my gal out somewhere and spend time as a family, I appreciate this. I understand and accepted that it's fine that he needs his space and goes drinking with friends, but because we only spend 1 day per week together, sometimes I just hope that he will 'sacrifice' a bit and spend more time with me rather than with friends. Anyway, I'm fine with his drinking as long as he keeps to his limit.

Once, I asked him, "how would you feel if I were the one going out drinking several times a week and just throw our gal to our helper or mum?. He said he will divorce me immediately. Isn't it so unfair and yeah... he is definitely VERY MCP, not a bit.

Nevertheless, I find great happiness looking after my gal full time, witnessing every of her milestones. She is the strength that keeps me going, without her I might be worse.

This issue has kept me so troubled and I had nowhere to turn to, people like you really keep me going. A BIG thank you!
 
Procrastinator/Milo,

Initially he added friends from game group to increase his game power, nothing wrong with it regardless the race or pics on their profiles. Now he searches groups like "bikini gals", "sexy gals" and added them.
 
what r u saying now is very different from your initial question actually. Frankly, he doesn't respect your feelings enough to bother.

To me, its not a issue about facebook.
 
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