Hubby not respecting me

[martini12]

I don't even know where to start but I really like to hear the opinions from both men and women here on why these are happening and if there are things I should do to improve the situation.

My hubby and I have been married for 5 years. We have a baby in our second year of marriage and after that, I ballooned and put on a lot of weight. One year ago, I started exercising and became fitter. From then on, my hubby started to touch or grope me everywhere and anywhere, several times a day...sometimes at home, sometimes outside though it's more discreet in public areas. The worst thing is, I don't think he did these to initiate sex because I'm never turned on by these. Initially I was flattered, especially after losing all the weight. Previously when I was much much fatter, he didn't even want to touch me and our sex life was almost non-existing.

I would just briefly describe how bad the situation is. He would touch me in front of our kid who is three. I would have preferred a hug or a kiss but he would go straight for the boobs, butt, inner thighs or southwards, which is a huge turnoff. My display of unwillingness doesn't deter him. He probably brushed me off, thinking I'm shy or what. When asked why did he do that, he would always utter something nonsensical like 'not bad' or 'cos you are sexy'. All these also happened at the oddest timings and events like when I am washing the dishes, blow drying my hair, driving (yes, so ridiculous), waiting for the lift, in the lift, on the bed next to my kid who's awake, doing work in our study room etc. At times when I'm changing clothes, he would also steal glances or stare at me uncomfortably. He was never like this when we were dating or before we had our kid so I have no idea why he's behaving this way. As for our sex life, I would think it's normal and healthy. He doesn't seem to want more sex too so why would he want to initiate these irritating moves?

Thus I hope to hear from women who have experienced this or men's perspectives. I wish he would only do those at the right timings and in a more 'romantic' sense. For now, I just feel like an object to him.

 

[JohnNPG]

I don't even know where to start but I really like to hear the opinions from both men and women here on why these are happening and if there are things I should do to improve the situation.

My hubby and I have been married for 5 years. We have a baby in our second year of marriage and after that, I ballooned and put on a lot of weight. One year ago, I started exercising and became fitter. From then on, my hubby started to touch or grope me everywhere and anywhere, several times a day...sometimes at home, sometimes outside though it's more discreet in public areas. The worst thing is, I don't think he did these to initiate sex because I'm never turned on by these. Initially I was flattered, especially after losing all the weight. Previously when I was much much fatter, he didn't even want to touch me and our sex life was almost non-existing.

I would just briefly describe how bad the situation is. He would touch me in front of our kid who is three. I would have preferred a hug or a kiss but he would go straight for the boobs, butt, inner thighs or southwards, which is a huge turnoff. My display of unwillingness doesn't deter him. He probably brushed me off, thinking I'm shy or what. When asked why did he do that, he would always utter something nonsensical like 'not bad' or 'cos you are sexy'. All these also happened at the oddest timings and events like when I am washing the dishes, blow drying my hair, driving (yes, so ridiculous), waiting for the lift, in the lift, on the bed next to my kid who's awake, doing work in our study room etc. At times when I'm changing clothes, he would also steal glances or stare at me uncomfortably. He was never like this when we were dating or before we had our kid so I have no idea why he's behaving this way. As for our sex life, I would think it's normal and healthy. He doesn't seem to want more sex too so why would he want to initiate these irritating moves?

Thus I hope to hear from women who have experienced this or men's perspectives. I wish he would only do those at the right timings and in a more 'romantic' sense. For now, I just feel like an object to him.

Hi, After reading your story, first thing that came to my mind was did your hubby watches porno or something like that? As a guy i would say that men are always dirty minded in nature, Perhaps hubby must have had some fantasy in his head, To think of those sex scene then do it on you, I would personally feels that it is of course awkward to do such thing in front of kids especially, Maybe you can try to talk to hubby and make known to him that you're not comfortable of him doing this, I believed having heart to heart talks may works for this situations. No offences but just sharing my views. Have a nice day and take care!

 

[miloice]

How is your communication with your husband? Are you guys comfortable to voice out on your differences without getting into fights and cold wars? You need to be able to speak your mind to your partner. Unless, your intent of a spouse is just maintaining the status as married.

 

[minipork]

maybe he wants to feel ur affection ? i suggest talking to him abt it tho

 

[martini12]

Hi, After reading your story, first thing that came to my mind was did your hubby watches porno or something like that? As a guy i would say that men are always dirty minded in nature, Perhaps hubby must have had some fantasy in his head, To think of those sex scene then do it on you, I would personally feels that it is of course awkward to do such thing in front of kids especially, Maybe you can try to talk to hubby and make known to him that you're not comfortable of him doing this, I believed having heart to heart talks may works for this situations. No offences but just sharing my views. Have a nice day and take care!

Hi, thank you for your reply.

My hubby does watch porn but frankly, which man doesn't? So I personally feel it isn't due to what he watches. I could be wrong. I don't know.

It is very difficult to have heart-to-heart talk with my hubby because he is the type of person who doesn't speak from the heart. He may be a frank or blunt person but when it comes to important issues like sex or finances, he evades such topics.
This has probably to do with his own family upbringing where the family doesn't talk about problems heart-to-heart. They pretend to be cordial on the surface always.

Anyway I did bring up to him that I feel uncomfortable and asked why he did that. He would just brush it off by saying something nonsensical like 'because I'm unique' or 'c'mon we are husband and wife for so long..no need to waste time for showing affections first' - all in the manner of joking. That's his way of responding to sensitive questions or problems that I often bring up. He would 'joke' away or respond in a way to close the topic, which is why I am asking for opinions here.

 

[martini12]

How is your communication with your husband? Are you guys comfortable to voice out on your differences without getting into fights and cold wars? You need to be able to speak your mind to your partner. Unless, your intent of a spouse is just maintaining the status as married.

hi, thank you for your reply.

I am always comfortable to voice my concerns but as per my reply to John above, my hubby is the one who would brush the topic off and end it. We don't get into fights or cold wars at all. It just doesn't get into anything like a discussion because he would 'joke' away and bring a 'light-hearted' closure to it.

 

[martini12]

maybe he wants to feel ur affection ? i suggest talking to him abt it tho

I did think about whether it's because I have not been showing him my affection in like 'wanting him'. I must admit both of us are not the type who would initiate kisses or hugs. Also, for some unknown reasons, he doesn't like to be physically touched by me. He would tell me it's ticklish or that it doesn't turn him on. But I do show my affections in other ways like caring for him if he's unwell, finding time to have just couple time with him going out for dinner or movies, which he doesn't do nowadays.

 

[miloice]

Hi, thank you for your reply.

My hubby does watch porn but frankly, which man doesn't? So I personally feel it isn't due to what he watches. I could be wrong. I don't know.

It is very difficult to have heart-to-heart talk with my hubby because he is the type of person who doesn't speak from the heart. He may be a frank or blunt person but when it comes to important issues like sex or finances, he evades such topics.
This has probably to do with his own family upbringing where the family doesn't talk about problems heart-to-heart. They pretend to be cordial on the surface always.

Anyway I did bring up to him that I feel uncomfortable and asked why he did that. He would just brush it off by saying something nonsensical like 'because I'm unique' or 'c'mon we are husband and wife for so long..no need to waste time for showing affections first' - all in the manner of joking. That's his way of responding to sensitive questions or problems that I often bring up. He would 'joke' away or respond in a way to close the topic, which is why I am asking for opinions here.

I watch porn too. How it affects the individual differ for everyone. Cannot just make the link like this. I too is very comfortable with some level of public display of affection. To me, I'm admiring her beauty and we are comfortable with each other. However, RESPECT is necessary. I don't do things that my wife isn't comfortable with. I don't grope her boobs in front of the kids. Yes, I love to grope her bum, but always discretely when we steal a moment together. When she doesn't approve of it, I will just respect that and apologize. Which modern man cannot understand that he needs to treat his partner the way they are comfortable with? We are not in our grandparents generation where it is expected that women serve men and shouldn't voice their opinions.

 

[miloice]

hi, thank you for your reply.

I am always comfortable to voice my concerns but as per my reply to John above, my hubby is the one who would brush the topic off and end it. We don't get into fights or cold wars at all. It just doesn't get into anything like a discussion because he would 'joke' away and bring a 'light-hearted' closure to it.

It boils down to his comfort level and lack of respecting your own comfort level. He prefers not to talk about it and just pretends nothing happens, then ignores your comfort level. He might not realize what he is doing and how it is affecting you. I guess you cannot avoid the heart to heart talk. Don't expect him to come out of his comfort zone with just one talk. It will take time and encouragement to open up. Intimacy rather than sex itself keeps the connection between couples. So, it is necessary to bridge some level of the comfort zone to maintain connection. Touch doesn't have to be sexual, it is often sensuous, pampering and often just connecting. Just as why couples hold hands.