How to tell FPILs I don't want kids?

R

revolver

New Member
Hi everyone I'm new here =) My bf recently proposed to me in private but I turned it down. Problem is, his parents still doesn't know I don't want children, because he never told them. I think he still hopes and think I might change my mind once we're married, even though he said he accepts my decision not to have children.

Deep down, I know I will never want to go through pregnancy, I'm way too selfish to make all the sacrifices required to have children. I've read about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting, and the more I know, the more I am determined not to have kids. Thankfully my bf understands my tokophobia and is not particularly fond of kids.

Thing is, his parents are traditional, and so desperately wants grandchildren. He's the eldest son. Worse still my FFIL makes sexist remarks like I must learn to be a good housewife(eg. how to make his mom's soup for him in the future), when I told my bf I will employ a maid so I can work. I had to bite my tongue every time I see them, and pretend to be the good daughter-in-law they want! I really cannot stand this...

So now I've told my bf I can be together with him but not marry him until he tells his family about my not wanting kids. He says he doesn't want to hurt his parents, plus I might change my mind when "my hormones kick in"(his words), but I think honesty is better than a lie. I'm also scared that he will press me to have kids after marriage because of his parents wishes, and I don't want his family and relatives to be gossiping and pestering us for children...

Thank you for listening....really need to get this off my chest...
 


wanting to have children or not is a personal choice .. i have a friend who's been married for 8-9 years with no intention of having kids and i started popping kids as soon as i got married. the elder folks are usually quite traditional and want children to carry on the line but perhaps instead of coming outright and saying that you don't want children, your bf can say that you guys want to enjoy your time together as a couple first .. kids, if any, can come later .. sooner or later, they will stop asking.
 
Most important is whether your partner could truly accept it and work towards that. My cousin been married for 7 years now and they are not intending to have kids. For the initial few years, they have to go thru with people asking. Then they stop answering, later they told everyone that they are not going to have kids. I think my aunt have problem accepting that in the first instance but then it is their life and they wanted it to be that way.
Make sure your partner is in the same direction as you are.
 
Determined as you are today. Your views could change in future. Just be true to yourself. So, don't be so sure. No need to live for others or to some decisions you made yrs back. Pride should never come in between your own happiness and goals in life.
 
It is true that we might change our views in the future. What we feel now might not be what we feel in yrs to come... I used to have such mindset when I was in my teen yrs... but changed my mind after I meet my HB... probably, deep down in me, I love children as well.
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You may or may not change your mindset, the botttomline is ur bf aka ur future HB mus accept this stand. If both are clear on this, both of you will be able to handle the situation of the families/relatives. Is your HTB the only son? I believe his parents will be able to accept this stand if he isn't. No doubt marriage involves more than 2 person being in love and the older generation hope/love to have grandchildren, they also hope that their children get happiness with the person they love. We are no longer living in generations whereby their views and opinions shall be forced upon us.
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perhaps marriage shouldn't be on the cards at all for you...i have young daughters and i constantly tell them to place education above anything else, even if they end up unmarried, i wouldn't pressure them at all because i want them to have full control of their lives when they grow up...so you've got my support...enjoy life wherever it may lead you to, even if you eventually have a dozen kids...
 
iheartbeatles,

u can't be what u aren't... u can learn to be what u aren't but there's only so much u can push yourself til u know u no longer like yourself for who u are... i guess u've explored liking and wanting kids prior to posting your dilemma.

i dun really know what u can do, but i guess as your bfren or husband, if i choose to marry u, i Would let it come across to my parents that i am the one who dun want kids... and i would do it from the day i am with u, and decided u're the one i wanna marry. that would no doubt take the weight off your shoulders, and make me solely responsible for the decision against having kids... i would be able to standup against my parents and get their 'forgiveness' alot easier than u.

so if your guy is ok, then it might be one of the ways to counter it. BUT for this way Not to affect your relationship, he must be Totally ok and supportive of your intentions to not have kids... and not go on hope that u'd change your mind... cos when it comes to a time when u definitely won't change your mind - he might not be able to have the same commitment as he has now.

lastly, as much as u're certain now... when u make decisions, try to give that 10% chance that u might change your mind later... especially for Big decisions... ie 2rm apartment versus 3rm apartment... or 2-seater car versus 2+2. always allow some allowance for your views to change as u age, so that u dun have to Pay for it later with a change of mind...

cheers!
 
how old are u?

if u dun wanna have kids, then might as well dun get married...like tat b fair to both....if ur partner really want to have next generation, at least he can go find another willing gal to marry n can have a clean break with u..
 
hmm...i also think the same. if don't want to have kids then there's no need to get married.

you won't want him to use this as a reason in the future should he want to ask for a divorce later on. not say he will, but who knows? maybe he meets someone who's willing to bear his children? hard to say...

like what powder says, if he's serious about marrying you despite knowing you do not want to have kids, then your bf should tell his own parents that it is his decision not to have kids. in a way he can help to shoulder some of the unhappiness his parents might have.

i think now the most important thing is that you got to be sure of your bf's views and whether he's willing to support you all the way. trust your instincts on this.

telling his parents is secondary - because you can always use this line "we let nature take its course". that usually ends the conversation.
 
I do empathise with you iheartbeatles.

I do not want kids either. The more research I do, the more determined I am not to have kids. I am also honest with myself and know that I'm too selfish to sacrifice certain aspects of my life for kids. I am luckier than you in the sense that my fiance absolutely detests kids as well, so we are on the same page on this. People around me are telling me to get married quickly so that I can have more kids while I'm younger... *roll eyes*

While I know for sure right now that I definitely do not want kids - and people tell me that I will eventually change my mind when my biological clock starts ticking (and I was told you can really hear it ticking lol!) - I don't want to proclaim with 100% certainty that I will think this way in future.

The most impt thing is to make sure that your bf and you are on the same page. He cannot go into it with the "hope" that you will eventually change his mind. And I agree with Powder, if your bf is sincere and prepared to marry you, he needs to shoulder the blame in front of his parents. Otherwise, you'll be stuck in a very sticky situation with the ILs.

To me, there are other aspects to a marriage other than kids. I think a couple can have a happy marraige without kids. For some reason our society is stuck on the mentality that if you don't want kids, then don't need to get married. I couldn't disagree more to such blanket stereotypes.
 
Don't want kids, just go n remove your womb lah!
After you remove, your parents in law will know.
So easy.. WHY bother come here and tell everyone?

Please dont waste bandwidth.

If u need doctor's contact, look at thegreenbook for telphone numbers.

Thank you and have a nice day!
 
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