How to handle Relationship with many pasts

S

seekinghappiness

New Member
I happened to know this gal and she is great.
But we had been talking too much our past relationships that now it become so tiring for both of us and we had a serious talk.Somehow I can sense we r drifting or I am too insecure.

The key issue now is that she had this boyfriend whom she knew for 20 years.After initial breakup around early 20s she married her 1st husband 11 years older then divorced that husband after 6 years to be with this boyfriend cos she found that husband to be too boring.
Their relationship continued for many years till early 30s she wanna settle down for family n kids which that boyfriend didnt want to settle down and he has very bad temper then she met n married her 2nd husband.
Initially this 2nd husband made so much promises and appeared to be very nice guy but after marriage he totally changed to be very nasty and she left him cos he pushed her for the 3rd time plus he made irritated noise cos she is coughing in the night.
She started to go out again with that boyfriend for past 4 years but she considered him as platonic friends however they will go oversea for tours n whenever she asked for him and he will appear.They will go many places together to eat n spend time together.
She said she didnt want to find another relationship anymore at that moment n just want to keep him as a companion.Even he tried to hold her hands n kiss her, she will reject.

Till she met me and we started going out together.He confronted her and she had this so call clean break with him cos if he cannot treat her as platonic friend then they shouldnt continue to be together even as friend.

However last night I said she is taking things for granted and reason why I said that cos she keep talking about things they shared together with that boyfriend and how nice he was to her.So I said marrying that 2nd husband is her retribution and if that boyfriend is so good why dont she remain with him. She said I hurt her......

And she has never felt any guilt toward that boyfriend till I said all these to her and she is starting to feel guilty for that guy.But if she is truely has no feeling why keep talking about that boyfriend and now she will feel guilty.

Somehow I felt we r talking too much about our past relationships.This has start to be a drain on us now.

Problem now is that I dont know what she is thinking now cos she was very firm about her decisions n handling of that boyfriend but not anymore.
 


Wow I respect you for taking on such a challenging relationship...

I think it takes a lot of courage to love someone despite their past, no matter how complicated it is.. Maybe if it were me, I would not allow myself to develop feelings for a guy with such complex history...

The reason why people leave complex relationships is because its too confusing...and they need clear air to breathe. Coming to a new relationship but bringing the confusion along makes the new relationship as confusing as the previous ones.

Maybe you two should shelf talking abt the past...build up more common ground, experiences before you try to understand your own and each other's past? I think communication is important, but if done too early in the relationship, its just more complicated..

Love, can I ask how long you two have been together/seeing each other?

Wishing u all the best...
 
Why is it a challenging relationship.

To me very simple.

Happy together.. Not happy quit..

So while still happy together then stay together.. if she still wants to talk about ex-bf, then no point right.. let her go lor.
 
Michelle : We had been seeing each other for 3 months already.

Junkie : haha I wish I could be so easy as that.She is just like that not happy then leave which I kinda very insecure about.

SM : Its just that sometime she will say things like oh this blah blah car is good then said that guy said cos of this this this.Or when we went to eat something she will say like we had this before and ordered this before n how ex is this.

She told me she felt hurt cos I said since they had been together so long and he has been so good to her then why not just stick with him.And said after hearing this from me she started to feel bad cos she take my words seriously.
 
Is she using her ex-bf as yard stick for her subsequent bfs? The 1st hubby, 2nd hubby and SeekingHappiness seemed to be rebound guys to fill up the void left behind by the ex-bf.

Or is she is using her ex-bf as example to spite SeekingHappiness to perform better in his bf role?

Sorry I doubt the accuracy of the descriptions she made about her ex-hubbies. Due to "Too boring", then she divorced the 1st hubby lol!
 
LoveHappiness,
Are you sure that she is mature enough to handle a relationship? What do you love her for? Did this relationship start off from physical intimacy rather than mutual understanding?

I'm asking these questions because you know her better than the rest of us here.
 
it's that easy
happy.gif


dun think too much lah, just enjoy the time together... could be a transitional period for both of u...
 
Love,

Then very easy. Each time she talks about ex-bf... you talk about you ex as well.. tell her how great your ex is in bed.. mind blowing bj.. etc etc
 
she came with baggage ... you know it and you've used it against her .. in my opinion, you're no better than her at sabotaging this relationship.
 
green,

Of course I am just joking lah.

Just to let him see the point. Yes, we will talk about our ex at times..but it cannot be all the time... there must be a certain respect for your new partner. Else, what is the point?

If cannot stop thinking about the ex, the best is to separate with the current bf for a while.. let her think until she happy first..
 
I am not trying to judge her, but it looks like she doesn't seem to know what she wants in a r/s.. coz of this reason, comparsions arises.. she needs to know exactly who she love and what she is looking for.. our expectations changes as we age, the thing is we can't simply change bf / husband to always suiting our everchanging expectations/demands.
 
Aiyo, seems like the lady only likes to talk about the BGR topics. Surely there are more things to talk about in this world other than man and woman relationships? No wonder TS is so tired.
 
The only reason why she keeps talking about her past is due to Emotional Baggage.

She hasn't let it go yet and I don't mean her 'love' but rather, her 'hurt' or 'hatred' or any negative feelings she still harboured of the previous relationship.

All she needs is a friend, a listening ear. She's certainly not ready for a relationship so do consider carefully before jumping into one with her as of now.
 
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