Hatred in my Heart

[eugenechia]

Hello. I'm about to ROM with my lovely girlfriend of nearly 3 years. We had our fair share of ups and downs but somehow we worked things out. Felt blessed for that.

However, I've been gloomy and moody of late. And I realised the root source of all these is that I bear hatred of some sort in my heart.. against my late mum's relatives.

My mum died 3 years ago due to breast cancer. When she was alive, she tried many ways to gather more money for the household. Frankly, we're not all that poor. Its just that her sisters (my aunts) were the type who were always trying to show off their riches. And occasionally, someone would pay for a dinner at chinese restaurant (usually amounting to $1,000). All except my mum. Because of this, somehow my aunts din like her. Even as a kid, I could see that. The aunts made some unkind remarks before and I was there to witness it.

And bcos of my mum's race to try to keep up with them, she died as a result.

After her death, my aunts realised that it was due to her money chase, instigated by themselves, that caused her to live in unhappiness. But things din really improve. About a year after my mum died, I met my girlfriend, who is now my wife to be.

We had our fights and arguements before but we never gave up on each other. My aunt somehow tried to step in and tried to teach me how to break up with her ! Even tried to find out how much we are spending on holidays overseas etc. (short trips to bangkok, hk only)

Then things accumulate in my heart. Since young, i was brought up in a family where I am a goody two shoes.. a nice kid, if u will. That led to relatives seeing me as someone who is gullible, naive and dumb (i wasnt the studious type, typical F grade student, late developer but since have picked up my studies part-time while holding on to steady employment)

And when last week my aunt asked me a question that I din know what the answer was.. she raised her voice "What u mean u dunno ?" ... that was it. I hated the fact that just bcos i was a nice kid doesn mean ppl can walk all over me. I snapped at her. I guess she was shocked. No one expected me to be like this.

My dad knows about my hatred to that particular aunt. I have never been really happy since my mum died. And its worse when my relatives were the partial cause of things.

I plan to just be a hi-bye nephew. Plan to start life anew with my wife and my dad, sis and in-laws.

Just ranting here. I have been holding on the grudge since as a kid seeing my relatives down playing my mother. It has been 2 decades worth of endurance.

I'm 29 now. Guess its time to let go.. but i find it tough.

Any ideas how I can help myself ? I dun wan to let this hatred devour me.

 

[powder]

dude,

they have lived their life and fast approaching the final chapters of their lives... the way they have lived their lives and how it shall end will be judged on a different scale... let not your hatred consume u, instead, let it inspire u... to never walk paths tat make other pple feel the same way u did... know wat i mean?

to be fair, it wasn't uncommon back in those days to have this 'competition' amongst relatives or even frens... particularly amongst the non-working womenfolk (i know i'm politically-incorrect here)... In life everyone needs to be proud of something for themselves, everyone needs some sort of validation in life... without having a career But just bounded to a life largely built around family - validation came in the form of children's school success, husband's financial success, a well-kept household etc. tat's the only source where these womenfolk gained recognition. Yeah, it's abit auntie, but what else have they got to be stood by?

if u start to understand the above, u'll understand humans a little better, and see the weaknesses in ourselves... Recognition is one of the most heavily used in Life, becos humans have a weakness for recognition. it's a big word, formed by sub-titles Popularity, Pride etc... most of wat your aunties did were for Recognition, they Need to be Recognised, Validated for their EXISTENCE. it's very human. It's the same reason why some pple work hard for MNCs even if pay is lousy.. they identify with the recognition in being part of a big name MNC. it's the same reason why Army pple feel good with the numerous proficiency badges on their uniform. it's the same reason why When pple identify tat they were from NUS, Harvard etc... they feel good.

what did the older generation of womenfolk have? school was very basic, some ending at Primary or Secondary. if u look at the lives of our Mums, Aunties... u realise tat there's very little they can be particularly proud of Which is Self-Achieved, ie education/career... in fact most of it is 3rd-party achievements - husband, son, daughter.

some of them are so into these 3rd-party achievements tat they lose themselves into a role... they lose themselves. Dude, u and me - we pick up a book, we have the backing of great literature like MacBeth, Animal Farm etc - to help us to explore Ourselves deeper than our mum's generation. we have Today's literature like 'Tuesdays with Morrie' to help us come to terms with our own lives... WE REFLECT on Ourselves becos we have been educated and equipped with that ability... it is almost an entitlement for us. But for our parents' generation - it's was a priviledge.

honestly, if u really understand this fact, u'll realise tat it's not anger... but pity. Yes, it's a pity tat not everyone is priviledged to be given the Ability to Explore themselves, to explore Life. our priviledge is meant for us to Understand better, it's meant for us to help others to Understand themselves better. Use it.

 

[powder]

2nd thing to note... If u are willing, u can harvest your hatred and turn it into an Inspiration.

Hatred is a scary thing... it grows on u if u let it, and the more it grows, the more u will let it grow... it can end badly. it can Change You. at the end of it, u might create more Wrongs than the 1 wrong u setout to correct. Damages caused by hatred can be devastating and irreversible. often, it comes with a huge dose of regret, cos It's the Inflicting of a Bigger Negative feeling in order the cover the initial negative feeling... there's nothing positive to achieve in the whole affair...

it is not easy to control and rid yourself of anger, but an easier way is to turn it into An Inspiration.

 

[eugenechia]

Hi Powder,

Thank you so much for the comforting thoughts.

Yes, you are right. Its recognition they are after. Which is why my cousins were the ones they look up to since they are the brainy bunch, all graduating from NUS, NTU..

Whereas I seem like some 2nd class citizen to them. Gosh, look at me, look at what I am thinking, partly its me killing me. Low self-esteem perhaps.

I know hatred is that one thing i gotta get rid of, I dun wan to be consumed by it. Not easy, but for sake of my wife and my family, I have to do it.

 

[powder]

dude,

It isn't comforting thoughts... i'm not good with comforting pple when Life & Time is at stake. it's my observation of pple, which i can safely constitute as something very factual of humans. this Recognition-need is the cause of alot of Lives going backwards instead of forward.

u need to relook at life in its entirety and really observe what u see, not what u've been told... cos if u do tat, u realise tat the brainy ones ain't exactly the picture of success. Do u actually realise tat these pple with the good academics are gonna be re-using their grades Over and Over and Over again for the rest of their lives? include the 100,000grads 10yrs before u graduated, include the 100,000grads 10yrs after u graduated and surely u see a large Oversupply. actually only a small percentage of them realise tat they should be armed with more than just good grades.

How can anyone make u feel like a 2nd class citizen if u dun agree with them? THINK HARD abt this... dude, it's not the A's tat make u a treasured citizen, it's Your contribution. yeah the whole freakin academic world might think good grades makes one great, but surely - the working world has made u realise tat it's just alot of bs. Yes, it's one ignorant party telling the next ignorant party, and passing tat ignorance on until u have a whole bunch of ignorant parties.

anyway dude, dun be disheartened. it really does not matter if pple believe in u or look up to u. BUT - u must Always believe in yourself. u know... some time back in one of the threads in this forum, some Academics were trying to put me down becos i told them wat they're earning isn't alot (but they think it's alot). They, like many others including their parents, relatives, teachers, whole freakin faculty... seem to think tat with good academics, their life was set. it's like if u have Good Grades, your life was Guaranteed to be successful...

Now u tell me how true that is... Is It True?

if your answer is No, then why are u affected??? the only way u can be affected, is If u believe in that same system in which 'u suck', and u believe that the system decides Success. thus u believe that u suck in that system, and THEY are successful in it. do u get wat i mean?

turn tat hatred into an inspiration.

 

[simpleman]

eugene,

Seriously I don't see why there should be "hatred". anyway even if there is, you should rid yourself of it. It is negative and one of the most destructive emotions; it will hurt you more than the person you hate.

At the very least you can ignore them or you can tell them firmly that you know what you are doing and thanks them for their comments.

 

[miloice]

hi Eugene,

it is natural to dislike someone because of past experiences. But you should really be careful of hatred. Many of us do have irritating and overbearing insensitive relatives. Without being disrespectful to your mum. It is not your aunt that really caused the money chase.

Yes, she was probably applying a lot pressure for your mum but it is really her choice to take the 'advises' seriously. Its like how people gun down the bulliers claiming they 'made' them do the killings. But seriously, we cannot really blame anyone loh.

Life and death are great lessons for everyone. No amount of information we hear or read can impact us the same way than when experiencing the pain itself. Happiness comes from within and not the environment. The lost of someone so dear to us should make us cherish those that really matters to us more. No point holding on to strong emotions for someone insignificant to you. The blabber mouth will continue till the day the step into the graves. No amount of hate and resentment will change a thing about that. Just minimize the contact and do what's necessary to reduce the stupid comments, and most importantly, don't be affected by it since you clearly know its rubbish.