Giving Birth - Out of Love or Out of Responsibility?


i have a feeling tat the TS qns is if u got pregnant 'accidentally', den would u give birth to the child coz of love or responsibility?? juz a feeling...
 
Neither either...

i find alot of pple stuck at A OR B questions... there's C, D, E, Z...

and even if A OR B questions, at least share more details... else who dare to write long long only to find out they've gotten the whole thing wrong?
 
broken hearted, please resolve the issue between you and your husband first before you decide on having a child. a child is not something you have to fix an ailing marriage - you have a responsibility to make sure that you can provide the child with a caring, loving, nurturing environment ..
 
she's mentioned in a previous thread that her husband has been belittling and humiliating her since their wedding about a year ago .. how demoralised she was, etc ..
 
ohhhh.. then dun tell me that she is now preggie??? zzzz........

its best to get 1 prob ironed out before dumping another new one onto you again..
 
yeah.. agree with skylar.. best to just solve the problem with the hubby first before proceeding to have kids..

what's the point of having kids if you can't be happy with your hubby..? it won't be good for both you & child..
 
Hi there, I guess I didn't want to write out the whole story 'coz I didn't want any one of u to be affected by my other problem. Just let me clarify certain things:
YES, I have a previous thread as what cuclainne have mentioned. I have been married for more than 1 year and my husband has been belittling me most of the times.
NO: I'm NOT pregnant now or get pregnant accidentally.

The reason why I ask is I always thought that when u love the other partner, that's why u wanted to give birth to a kid and start a family with him AND NOT 'coz I've got to FULFIL THE DUTY/RESPONSIBILITY of a WIFE and that's why I have to give birth. I'm not sure whether am I really naive to have the previous mentality or maybe in the "real world", pple give birth 'coz they are a wife and a wife's duty is to work, take care of husband, take care MIL AND FIL, do housework, give birth, take care of children blar blar blar...

Another reason why I started the thread is 'coz my husband is bugging me to have a kid (IT IS NOT AS IF I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY KIDS) but I really do have a lot of insecurities and I don't want to have a kid OUT OF RESPONSIBILITY! He wanted to have a kid 'coz he's getting "OLD". He calculated that when he reached XX years old, the kid is only YY years old. By then, the kid hasn't even been able to earn for his/her own living yet....When I mentioned abt LOVE and RESPONSIBILITY, he says that it's 2 different things and ask me to cut the crap/bullshit. He complained and grumbled that I couldn't GIVE HIM HAPPINESS, GIVE HIS FAMILY $$, GIVE HIM CARE, GIVE HIM A KID etc.....and I'M NOT A GOOD WIFE, I'M SELFISH, etc...and asking me to choose between my work and HIM and Since I couldn't give him all the above, he will NOT be able to tahan with me for long and probably end up divorce (as he mention before that he's ready to sign on the papers anytime).

Another issue is probably my own problem which he doesn't care: I HATE his and his mom's place! I don't want my child to live in a dirty environment or to have cockroaches and rice weevils crawling all over him! My MIL is dirty and lazy and the house are all full of "things"(cans/bottles/newspapers), esp the kitchen. Every night, there's bound to be cockroaches crawling all over and it really scares me when I go to the toilet. Rice weevils have been crawling on the bed and my clothes. Even though they are "harmless", but it's still....yaks... Anyway, the above is a side track and I badly wanted a house with him which he refuse to buy with me. I can understand that he's an ONLY son and I'M NOT ASKING HIM TO ABANDON HIS PARENTS (but yet he ask me to distant myself away from my parents 'coz I'm married) My thought is we can go and visit his parents EVERYDAY if he wants but he simply refuse to buy a house. I wanted to have our own house first before settling down to have a kid. What's wrong? Anyway, if he doesn't have any $$ on hand, how is the child/kid going to be raised? My checkup/doc's consultation fees, hospitalisation fees...? Or is he expecting me to pay for ALL THESE 'coz it's ME who needs and uses it. These are some of the kind of inscurities that I have too.

Though I did try to tell him, we always end up quarrelling. In the end, I just feel what he wants, he's forcing me to comply 'coz he leaves no room for discussion or let me air my viewpoints.If I don't, there's bound to be certain actions taken by him.
 
you hate the place, frequent tiffs, insecurity & etc....what else do you need to know? in the end, you got to decide where to go...some will tell you stay, will it improve your life, others will ask you to leave, will you be willing to take that first step?
 
Broken_Heart,
You sound like a punchbag cum baby machine to your hubby. He doesn't spare a thought for your feelings at all.

Your situation is so jialat. Why are you still with him in the marriage?
 
if you don't set things straight, he will go on to assume that u r okie with it. Till one day when u eventually cannot tahan, he will say suddenly u have changed.

This is the truth sad part of it all. REALIZE that. So, if u want to do something, DO IT. No point lamenting and sinking deeper in it. Once u have a kid, its going to be even harder.

At the end of the day, your weakness in giving in is condoning his actions. In a way, you are also fully accountable of the outcome. If you allow yourself to be taken for granted, then it would be in this given situation.
 
Hi Broken hearted,

"In the end, I just feel what he wants, he's forcing me to comply 'coz he leaves no room for discussion or let me air my viewpoints." This sounds so familiar.

It happened to me too, although we didn't quarrel openly, he would "punish" me in subtle ways like making sarcastic remarks, complaining how nobody loves him, superficially agreeing to do something but in actual fact refuse to do anything. Time and again, I'd give in because I felt guilty.

Time to wake up from a web of lies and deceit. And never never have a kid because you think you ought to or have to, thinking it will bind your broken marriage together.
 
Hi Broken_hearted,

Suggest you talk it out with your husband. If conversation is totally impossible, probably you would need to re-look at your relationship with him. As a wife, you have your rights to speak out. Are you being treated as a wife?

Seems like you have no status, no rights in that house....
 
Hmm...I re-read your message again. Did he try to make himself more superior than you?

You will have to prevent that if it's the case. Seems like he thinks you are stuck with him once married since divorce is used as a threat. Or are you really "stuck" to him now? Can't leave him?

Both of you are equal. Just remember that. Your views should be as important as his.
 
yeah.. most importantly, in marriage, a couple should respect each other.. it's very important.. now, do you feel that he even respects you as a wife?

we're women. we have our dignity. we have parents too, just like he does. we're equal. we're not living in some era where women have to just listen to the hubby, give birth, stay home look after the kids and stuff. hey, it's the 21st century! stand up for yourself! =)
 
why give brith to a child who will be treated the same way by his dad? u need someone to suffer with u for a lifetime?
 
with a child it will be even tougher to make a decision to leave in future cos u still got to think about your kid and also u might not want your kid to grow up in a broken family

if u r thinking of raising the kid up yourself it is not easy at all

dun jump into having a kid if u r unsure that u can stay with your husband for long
dun have a kid if u have a slightest inkling of wanting to leave your husband cos am sure u do not want to create more trouble for yourself and more unwanted excuse and reasons of staying in the marriage
 
ya that has always been one of the most heartbreaking things to hear... when a lady has given up all hope and is staying in a marriage for the kids... there's nothing really to look forward to in life except the kids growing up and becoming good pple...

if after 20+yrs of dedication the kids turn out to be otherwise... what's really left? u end up in a jb old folks' home or something... unwanted and that's basically the summary of your life...

even typing this out is so difficult for me... i really hope that u find courage to seek better, even if it means leaving your marriage.
 
pt hit!

Seems like u r fully aware of all the BAD things that ur hb is doing to u.. so izzit it also abt time that u r clear with what u shd do next??

y give birth to a kid when ur HB wanted it.. (take note that he can sign on the divorce papers anytime) did u say tat??

then what is left of u? ur life is to bring them happiness & urself sorrows??
 
"as he mention before that he's ready to sign on the papers anytime"

Your husband is RUBBISH if he really told u that. Please do yourself and do us a favour here, leave this idiot before he ruins your life further.
 
If you HB can say such nasty you about being this and that, saying that he can sign the paper anytime, selfish mentality, etc... Are you sure you'll be able to live with him all your life and grow old together. Not to mention to drag an innocent baby into it.

He doesn't seems fit to be a HB, a son nor a father.
 
how come he mentioned that he's ready to sign on the papers anytime and yet he's bugging you to have kids?

so it's like telling you "i'm ready to divorce you anytime. anytime you want, but let's have a baby."

LOL. very odd person indeed.
 
I agree.....my hubby once told me he has no responsibilities towards me because I'm an adult. He only has responsibilities to our kids!
 
lolliepop (tan33a) : He was saying that he wanted to set up a family now and if i'm not interested, then we should go our seperate ways earlier. He thinks that I'm not interested to set up a family. Also, he thinks it's 'coz that I have a personal motive (first get our own house , then give birth mentality) is selfish and he will go to the extent of divorcing if I maintain this thought.

We just quarrelled again. He says my behaviour piss him off and everyone around me can't stand me. Sometimes, I didn't even say or do anything and he says 'coz I had a "black" face. I know crying won't solve the problem. It's really very very hurting to hear from someone that u love or close to u to say all these things.

Why I'm still with him is 'coz I hope he will change. I hope he will love me back again. If he doesn't say anything, we're quite ok (or at least I'm feeling ok) but of 'coz, he's not happy inside.....I'm very confused and depressed.

At first, I was thinking if I'm pregnant, I will leave him and take care and raise the child in my own house. But now I'm not sure I can do that.

My interpersonal relationships with pple is never good but at least to my husband, it's what comes from my heart and love. But he can say so many negative and harsh words....
 
Broken Hearted (icybluegal),

"My interpersonal relationships with pple is never good"

Do you feel that way? or is that what people around you told you?
 
lolliepop (tan33a) : I feel that way and he told me also. He says I don't know how to "zuo ren".

Is love conditional? Do u have to "EARN" it from your other half? If not, then u can't expect the other half to love u? Is it that if your other half thinks that u treat him badly, he will do the same to u? If u don't fulfil or do what he says, then he will not love u?

If he wants a child and I don't wish to have it first, he'll divorce me. I want a house first and he doesn't want to compromise, he'll divorce me.

Is there no way to maintain/save the marriage if I don't compromise/change? Why is the factor on me? Why not both? Why is it I don't have any say in the marriage at all? Or is that the way it should be?

I don't have the answers. 'Coz I lived in a well, that's why I wanted to know...
 
"I feel that way and he told me also. He says I don't know how to "zuo ren" "

I guess you feel that way because he said so. don't let what others say affect yourself.. really..

"Is love conditional? Do u have to "EARN" it from your other half? If not, then u can't expect the other half to love u? Is it that if your other half thinks that u treat him badly, he will do the same to u? If u don't fulfil or do what he says, then he will not love u?"

NO.. u don't have to "EARN" love from your other half.. since i was young i've always told myself to find a guy who loves me more than i love him.. if he truly loves you, you don't even need to do anything.. he's supposed to love you for who you are..
happy.gif
and why treat each other badly if you love each other, right? not fulfilling or not doing what 1 party says or wants you to, doesn't mean you don't want to.. there are always a reason behind everything..

"If he wants a child and I don't wish to have it first, he'll divorce me. I want a house first and he doesn't want to compromise, he'll divorce me."

Did you try to talk to him or MAKE HIM REALIZE the condition of the house you guys are living in?? you mentioned about the cockroaches n stuff. gross! how could you bring a new-born baby into that kind of environment. it's torture for the baby. and if you already talked to him and it doesn't work, well, DON'T even think of having a baby with him lor. he's just one selfish, stupid shithead.

"Is there no way to maintain/save the marriage if I don't compromise/change? Why is the factor on me? Why not both? Why is it I don't have any say in the marriage at all? Or is that the way it should be?"

It takes 2 hands to clap. It takes 2 people to be in love and get married, therefore, you're gonna need the same 2 people to maintain the marriage.

My advise, go out more, make more friends.. don't cope yourself at home.. don't always think you can't communicate well with people just because HE said so.. come on.. you are you.. he has no right in telling you what kind of person you are. =)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top