Fustrating Family matters

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fustrating

New Member
Hi, I'm new in this forum & will like to share my fustation on the family matters that happen in my family

I lived with my inlaws...few years ago..my sis in law moved back after her divorce.

For that few years it quite alright..until she has a new boyfriend....,

when I just gave birth, she started bringing her bf back to sleep....

At first, i still find it quite ok, although it very inconvenience....but the frequent stay become unbearable...therefore i highlighted to my hubby that if his sister wanted to stay, i will not accept it...

True enough....she asked my hubby whether they can stay for the time being if they are getting married & do not have a place to stay.

My husband & I have a big fight on this issue...& he finally told the sister off that not possible...

few months before her wedding...she moved out to the bf's house but her stuffs are still over here & look like she do not have the intention to move..

she also sometime feel happy..she start coming back to stay 1 - 2 days which i feel fustrated, she think this is hotel...

The most fustrating thing is my in law keep on saying that my baby look like her, my baby is a pretty baby, Does that mean that she is pretty & i'm ugly....all my friends, relative & co- worker said the bb look like me
one night...as usual she come to stay...i couldn't control myself...i throw temper...she pack her things & go...

I also feel bad on my attitude & send her msg to aplogise & explain why I do that...she can send me those nasty msg & tell me that I very dis-respect my in laws..

After a serious talk, we manage to cool things off..........

I was glad that I never let her stay & i swear to myself that even her marriage (not that i curse her) failed, i will not be be opening the door to her as it will create more trouble..
 


Then I don't see what's wrong with your actions...

To be honest, if that's your house...I think you have every right to decide who stays in there...

But perhaps you could have done better in handling your outburst against your SIL...but all in all; if your SIL belongs to those people who have no shame in leeching off other people; then telling her off might turn out to be the best option.

After all, it's your house and it's your right...
 
If that is the case, you should have discuss with your husband who is the co-owner to come to a mutual understanding and if need to be, impose certain "house rules" that all has to abide to.

Of course these rules has to be reasonable and also flexible if certain situations arised. Like firstly if you do not like the idea of your SIL bringing back her bf to stay over, should have mention it at the start. But as of now she has moved over and her belongings left behind, speak to your husband first. Probably convert the room into a guest room and give a gentle notion to your sis in law that probably your family members will be coming also to stay a day or two and get ur husband to tell her to clear her stuffs.

Or probably even better, kid's playroom or whatever. Of course you will welcome her to come back and visit still but not taking the place like hotel as per you mentioned.

Also try to control your emotions. Having outburst will not help anything but probably also dampen relationships with your in laws.
 
Oh, and don't kick up too much fuss on your baby looking like your SIL...

It's totally irrelevant...and it sound to me like you're just getting personal with her on another irrelevant issue...
 
could be post natal-blues ba. I ever heard that some mom's gets jealous even when ppl comented that the kid resembles the dad more haha
 
i understand i'm quite tempremental on this matter...

she is always the apple in my in law eyes... as my hubby who is the bad temper is like the thorn in his mother eye....

The time that she wanted to move in, she asked my inlaw to talk to my hubby...my in law just told my hubby that they are going to move in, the way she put it as if they own the house not us...they just inform

Right now after thrashing out...i feel great....
 
If I were u, I wldn't let her stay with us in the first place. Treating ur place like a hotel, typical freeloader attitude and she has the cheek to even bring home her bf to stay? Kaoz
 
i don;t have the chance to tell her not to stay here when her 1st marriage failed... she just bring in the luggage & stay here..
 
Well during that period, you had been accomodative ler. But well, just look pass that for now since it's the past. But from now onwards tried to discuss with your husband on how to prevent such issues in future and work around it lor.
 
Yes, i have told my husband off that i always fine him not supportive as i am the one who always give in... his father came back after 20 years...i let him in...his sister 1st marrriage failed...i let her in...I gave birth but did not own the master bedroom, it so inconvenience, but i never say anything......

Right now, we manage to talk & he been supportive after this incident.
 
What??

U did not own the master bedroom? then who the hell is staying there?

I think as the owner of the house, u have your rights!
 
Tat's great, communications is the most impt thing and gd that both u n ur HB did it, and he's being supportive
happy.gif
 
I think they could have given up the mbr to her in laws because they are staying with them. But then, your hubby also have to be supportive and assist to make it a condusive environment for your interest cos afterall, it's your house. Just discuss and work things out. Whats the pass don't rake up again as it will just make u feel worse.
 
wahhh like that ah.. then i think really very impt to have a heart to heart talk with her hb & for him to support her all the way lor..
 
Actually did you ever consider why your SIL chose to stay with you after her failed marriage? Becuz she obviously has nowhere else to go to.. Her parents and brother (your hubby) are staying with you rite, so if not your place then where?

As for the bf, I thought there's nothing wrong too. Dun you remember how you just wanna stick to your hubby (then-bf) all the time b4 marriage? How to separate a lovey-dovey couple?

But of course after her 2nd marriage she should move out la. But I also have friends who stay over at their parent's place during weekends, and your house happened to be it...

I think the missing link is that you dun look at her as your sister (hey, she is your sister now since you have married her brother!), but as an outsider who is trying to free-load you. Consider this, if she's your blood-sister, would you react the same way? Perhaps, but you would be more compassionate towards her, I believe.

Take a step back. Most impt thing is not to wreck the harmony at home.
 
As long as you have decided not to let her stay again and you have also thrashed it out, just leave it as it is for now. No point getting upset with her cause there will always be such people around (freeloaders). If she have any dignity, she should not be troubling you anymore after your outburst. She's an adult and she should know how to take care of herself.
 
Mrsf0ng2b,

I would agree with your first para regarding taking in the SIL after her divorce as she has no where to go. And TS had also been accomodative enough too if you read her first post that the SIL had been staying with them for a few years after her divorce and everything had been fine.

But I would like to highlight your second para,

"As for the bf, I thought there's nothing wrong too. Dun you remember how you just wanna stick to your hubby (then-bf) all the time b4 marriage? How to separate a lovey-dovey couple?
"

This thinking is rather "idea". Of course when we visit other people's house, there are house rules and we are imposing on the convenience of the owners. TS had mentioned that inconvenience kicked in when the SIL started to bring the bf home to stay over.

And this can really be an inconvenient factor. Because you are used to the comfort of staying at home with your own family and suddenly a stranger to you comes and stay over very frequently? Your would have to give up your personnel comfort and habbits in the presence of this stranger.

Say put this simply across, If I live with my parents and my wife, I always parade around in my boxers then suddenly my brother brings his gf back to stay with us. okie then I have to also dress up much proper at home.

TS has also mentioned that she does not have the use of her master bedroom. Imagine this scenario, middle of the night TS wanna go to the toilet. She come out of the room in her sleep wear then bump into the sister bf. ain't that embarrassing? "How does my nightie looks like?"

There are many factors to be considered when living together. No longer placing your stuffs around for you are not sure if it's safe? And I believe space can be a problem too if the SIL moves in, it will be 7 pax under one roof when the TS still has a growing up child. The SIL or her BF can be more independant in sourcing for their own place right? Renting is so common nowdays.

When I was dating my wife, for the first 2 years was, leaving her house by 10:30pm. I abide the rules and respected it. Never stayed over and such cos I do not wish to intrude my in-law's privacy. It's a small thing and I don't see it disrupting our relationship. I call it respect. Even thereafter when they invite me to stay over, I would also consider if it invades their space.

We just have to try to put ourselves in other's shoes first before we make the reccomendations as individuals has their preference of living habbits. Afterall, it's her place. She has the rights to decide the occupants.
 
I do understand that she has no where to go when her 1st marriage failed, therfore for so many years, i've been letting her to stay.....

but when she has bf, the guy has a rented place, she should be going there to stay instead of bring back here... their salary combination are high, they could easily get a place & not just stay here.....our house is already very cramp... Even she doesn't come back, my in law will not say anything as she already going to be 40s...

she just want to stay here as her mum will do everything for her & the bf....even the brief was also washed by the mum......

how do you feel, everyday you got to queue up for the toilet....when everyone is rushing to work....

With bb around, there are so many stuffs that i couldn't put..... & that time she don;t have the intention to move out, lagi worse...wanted to move in..

it easy for ppl to say that just take it easy but thing really happen in you....you won't be saying that
 
Then have a word with her and ur husband, let them know that u are not happy...moping around here won't help matters at all. Just my opinion.
 
That is why celeste as many had suggested, sort this issue out peacefully with your husband. Best is let him do the talking. All these can be done in harmony and just ensure no emotional outburst from you or your hubby.
 
Yes, Right now.. I have sort thing out with my hubby, he very supportive...he also find that his sister sometime a bit too much..
 
Celeste, I'm not saying that having the bf stay over will not be imposing on u. Just that most of us, if we stay over at our bfs/gfs place, we will be zi dong lor. I've never gotten my bf's mum to wash my undies!! That's totally uncalled for.

So your SIL is one of those super bua zi dong and super lazy gal that we cant stand from those TV soaps la!

I know there're always hidden stories behind every heartache. Sorry if I upset u.

Actually I'm also curious why your PIL are using the MBR...
 
Thanks... I bought over this house from my PIL few years back...Therefore they been staying in that room, although I gave birth but they did not let me stay at the MBR... Probarbly my PIL & SIL still think that this house belong to them
 
hmmm....celeste u have been saying that this house is yours ? Is it a co-ownership with yr husband ?

I will be quite sad if as a brother i have to chase my sister out of the house instead of accomodating her as family.

Make love, not war.
 
We Bought over this house from my PIL, they have nearly cash 300K which we did not get a single cent from them.

I'm not chasing out my sil is just that she is a nearly 40s woman, if she want to lead a new life, new begining with someone......don;t you think she should be have her own family outside...as we have our baby..which is sleeping with us...if we wanted to have another kid... will you feel sad that your kid do not have their own room & 3 or 4 person sqeezing in the room.
 
Never buy over a house from parent or in-law because there are bound to have problem.
If i know that i won't occupy the MBR after buying over the house, i would rather buy it from a open market.

Actually understand your concern because i'm more or less in your husband's shoe except i'm staying with my younger brother..
 
Yes..i fully agreed, i'm regret not because of the MBR it just that been thinking so much for them, wanted to let them have the cash... but in the end...they don't appreciate...
 
Celeste,
Did your hubby buy over the unit at a discounted rate from parents? If so, they probably think that they still have some rights over the house.

I have seen some people refusing to move out of the parent's house because they get to eat free meals, have 'free maids' washing clothes for them etc. hehe
 
Since your PIL are staying with you, you have to live with the fact that all your bro/sis in law will drop by to visit their parents..my W will make noise if this happened.

My problem is that my mother will drop by every sunday to do laundry for my brother & me and do some housechores. My W doesn't like the idea thou it has been going on for almost a year.
My W dislike my mum and i will always be the middleman trying to solve and pacify her without them knowing...understand my W has to put with this immediately after our marriage.
It is a burden & responsibility i wouldn't want to bear but too bad i have no other choice.
 
Jack,
You have a choice! The three of you can take turns to do the laundry or send the clothes to laundry shop lah. Do you know something called washing machine?

I pity your old folk still having to 'slog' at your house. How old are you all already?
 
My mother come over to do laundry is because of my brother. I never like the idea for her to come over but how should i tell her and my brother.Hope you guys understand as i'm caught in between
 
Jack,
Just tell her nicely that you don't want her to be tired travelling and doing the house chores, so you all will be settling the housechores yourself.

In this way, it'll be more peaceful for you right? Your wife will be happier hehe and nag less at you
happy.gif
You can always visit your parents' house over the weekends or bring them out for dinners.
 
how come your brother is staying with you and your wife, instead of with your mom? and in any case, i suppose that your brother should be 'independent' enough to do his own laundry .. gosh, sounds like my mom and how she's still babying my brother .. and he's doing his NS!
 
can use washing machine to perform the job. those wash and dry type. technology can lighten your mum burden. just try to minimise the "heavy" chores and if she want to be occupied n be useful, buy pots of plants and ask her to take care of it as keeping GREEN got health benefits.
 
Green,
i agreed with your sugguestion. Have told my mum about this when we moved in last year but she insisted and partly also because of my brother that i agreed to let her come over the weekend.

I was brought up & stay with my grandma(w maid) until she passed away few years back and my mum started to come over to do housechores.

My bro refused to stay with my mum although she has her own flat.Before we moved in and get married, my bro wanted to rent a room because he doesn't want invade our privacy as a married couple but i asked him to move in together until he found a partner to settle down.
It not easy to play the role of a good bro,husband and son.
 
ok, now i understand where you're coming from ..

your mom is probably doing all of this to make up for the lost time - like what the others have suggested, perhaps you could go over to her flat on the weekends or bring her out instead ..
 
My mum has this unusual pattern. She doesn't welcome visitors to the house, no matter who it is. She minds too much about how people view the neatness of the house LOL.

So what I do is... to bring my parents & siblings out for meals instead of bringing my hubby to the house. Though my hubby and I need to spend more $$ on the treats, I'm fine about it becos it makes my mum happy.
happy.gif
Tomorrow I'm bringing them to their favourite dim sums resturant hehe.

Jack, you can try to bring your mum out for meals if your wife minds about her coming to your house every week. Some people want a high degree of privacy.
 
To be frank, i'm not close with my mum and would feel awkard by doing what you guys have suggested. Maybe you guys wouldn't believe me
that i have never been to my mum's place. Anyway, my parents had divorced when i was a small boy and brought up single-handed by my beloved grandma. Long story to tell actuall my family quite complicated from the last generation

Unless my bro move out otherwise i wouldn't know how to ask my mum not to come over..my W will try to stay away when my mum drop by because she like to ask my W alot of questions when i'm not around. My W will complaint to me.
 
NO, I never buy the flat at discounted rate.. I bought at market price...

My Mil don;t do my laundry or my baby..even my baby clothing she also will not iron becos that is my bb not hers...

but she will wash my sil every single laundary such as bras....plus the bf...brief...iron their clothing, change the bed sheet.....even in the moring, when she rushing for work & she need to wear that particular clothing, she will asked the mum to iron for her & her bf clothing...
 
Celeste,
We DILs are afterall outsiders. Daughters are born by MILs, of course they will treat their own daughters better than us.

I have never expect my MIL to treat me the same way as my SILs. As long as she doesn't come and scold me whatever, I'm very happy liao!

Think it's hard for your inlaws to give up the MBR to you. They have been so used to the room. Next time when moving to a bigger unit, your hubby should take the chance to request for the MBR.
 


yes....i always know that...so i never hope that my mil will treat me like whst she treat the daughter...

but right now, we decide to sell this flat...
 
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