Flirting?

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dilemma_gal

New Member
I am in a relationship with my fiancee for 2 years. We got engaged 1 year ago as both of us were not young and I felt he was the right one for me.

All along, I knew that he was the type who's flirtatious with girls in a joking manner. His honesty by telling me what he said to which girl allow me to trust in him because he need not tell me. Some girls I might never cross path with them.

Nine months back, we were looking into wedding venues soon and preparing to take our bridal shoots. At the same time, he got to know this senior first officer from Jetstar Asia who is an ex-student of his retired captain. It was not the first time they met but the first time he saw her, he was still a nobody. At least he is a cadet pilot now.

His retired captain was exploring the possibility of setting up a flying school locally and thinking of roping her, him and me as instructors. As my fiancee's school is merely a stone's throw from his captain's company, whenever she went to look for the captain, she would also lunch with him.

He used to be open about everything. That was as good as telling me the very next day what he did and went to the day before. However, he did not tell me that in 1 month's time, she went down to look for him privately on at least 6 occasions and his captain was not involved.

She was in a relationship with a captain from their airlines. She felt that her boyfriend wasn't understanding and always chide her whenever she's feeling down and lousy. To make things worse, he would call her names.

Back then, my boyfriend only told me about once or twice that they lunch together but he gave me the impression that the captain was also around and due to official matters, nothing personal.

I never check on my boyfriend. I also felt that it was not necessary for him to report to me. But I would appreciate if he could be open to me just like I was to him, moreover he used to share with him. So when I found out about it 4 months later at the doorstep of ROM, I was confused. What was going thru his mind? We were checking out wedding venues. We were taking bridal pictures. And there you were flirting with another woman behind my back and met on many occasions.

I wonder if we never went to the ROM office, will he tell me the truth?

The first time they met, he firted with her by jokingly asking if she wanna try his private organ by terminology of the type of aircraft (eg. 777 being long and slim). At that point of time, she was busy so my fiancee asked if I could help her to collate some info about wedding venues for her at her request since she was also planning to marry her boyfriend. I agreed instantly. Come to think of it, she might be infatuated with him and use this as an excuse to go near him.

On the 3rd or 4th meeting, she told my fiancée matter-of-factly that her plans to join this flying school and quit from Jetstar was to dump her boyfriend as he was not understanding and critical of hers. If that is true, her claim of wanting to marry her boyfriend was simply crap.

Subsequently, she would seek his consolation whenever she got into fights with her boyfriend. Within 1 month, she fell for my fiancee and wanted to dump her boyfriend of 5 years when they were also planning to get married.

She sounded him out on their last meeting by expressing her affections towards him and doesn't mind that he has two girls at the same time. He turned her down. He used to be in marine line so if things don’t work out and he’s chopped from SQ, he would have to return to the marine industry and drive a lorry. She tried to convince him that she is not mindful of taking a lorry. There’s nothing to be shameful about but she doesn’t mind buying him a car.

She even offered to bring him to fine dining and pay for them. She jolly well knew that he couldn't afford them at that point of time. The things that she offered – car, fine dining and even anal sex (he has such a sexual fantasy), she obviously knew that I couldn’t give. He could even have the best of both worlds by keeping her as a part-time or 2nd girlfriend.

I don't understand why a girl could fall for another man within 1 month and wanting to dump her boyfriend of 5 to 6 years. Moreover, I fail to comprehend why we were planning to get married and he could flirt outrageously with another girl. I agree that it's common that men flirt. Some girls flirt too but there is an extent how far you could go without hurting your partner.

I pushed back the ROM because I didn’t want to make decisions in a moment of folly. We had many big fights. Things were no longer the same. He insisted that he did no wrong and such dirty jokes were common in the airlines industry and that I was underexposed!

I just cannot forget it. I am still trying to track down that slut which he claimed he has removed her number. To think that I helped her although I never met her but she repayed me in that way.

Dilemma
 


If you could accept such nonsense in future, please go ahead with marriage. If not, I think you should think about it again, what kind of married life you are looking forward to.

I think he lacks of respect for you and himself. Respect and trust are very important elements in a marriage.

If he's already behaving this prior marriage, please don't expect him to change for better.

Think before you sign.
 
You said he turned her down because he is afraid that if things don't work out, he may be forced to resign. Did he tell you this, or did you jump to the conclusion yourself?

If he told you himself that he rejected her because he doesn't want to lose his job, and it's not because of you, then something is obviously wrong with your relationship.

Don't waste your energy tracking down the "slut". The problem is between you and your fiance, not her business. If your fiance was really in love with you and respected you, none of this would have happened.
 
Hi Joiedevire

He told me himself that he turned her down saying if things don't work out in SQ eg. he didn't make it, he will have to return to marine line.

When that didn't deter her, and she offered him more perks, even to the extent of saying that she doesn't mind that he has 2 women, he told her straight that since he has chosen me, he will not change his mind. He also told her that we are engaged which she was not aware.

One week later, that woman brought another man along, I guess to see if he has any reaction and to make her in a better position having being rejected. They met because she need to reimburse him some money for the taxi for the wedding venues we checked out on her behalf.

Well, I wanna track down that slut because so far, I'm just hearing one side of the story. Yes, she might not be telling me the truth when she sees me. Its not that I'm not believing him but I admit my trust in him was shaken after this incident.

Thanks, I have been procrastinating but for a good cause.

I know he is always flirtatious with his words, that is his nature but I believe there is an extent to what you should say and what you shouldn't.
 
Some guys said that altho he did the wrong thing, he was honest enough to tell me. He admitted it was his fault. he said that she was going thru a rough patch in her relationship with her bf so he was trying to lend her a listening ear during the subsequent meetings.

He also said that he turned her down on a few more occasions when she tried to ask her out.

He said that he was just flirtatious with his words and he was joking with her. He was not being serious. He didn't know that she would take it serious.
 
dile, just one piece of advice:
a man who lies to u before marriage, will lie to you through out your marriage.
 
Dile,

There are these kind of girls (seducer, competitive) and there are these kind of guys (like to flirt verbally). All depends on your values and how you see things. If you can take it and trust your fiancee, go ahead. If you can't take it but want to continue with your fiancee, set limits and consequences (if he do again it's the end, etc). You may even want to set contracts (e.g. 2 months clean record to continue). Otherwise, if you feel you will never be able to trust him or accept this kind of mess, leave. Because even if you stay, there will be doubts, and you will always be unhappy.
 
There is nothing magical about marriage. It is what the couple make out of it that matters. What you see is what you get. U marry a liar, u expect him to lie. Its no brainer. Don't hope marriage to be some vodoo magic that will change him.

You cannot force someone else to change. It has to be self initiated. "I felt he was the right one for me."... not so anymore right?
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Look at things as it is. Recognize the real person not memories of a good time and cling onto the relationship to hope to strike toto. Loving someone doesn't mean clinging on like there is no tomorrow. Those that tells u that's true love are bullshitting u to brainwash you to stick on and allow him to continue anything he wants in the name of 'true love'.

TS, I think u r doing just fine as u knows your boundaries and not letting it to drag beyond.

Don't bother about TOW. There is nothing to revenge about. She has her own morals, conscience and beliefs. She is answerable to herself not you. You cannot possibly go round shaming everyone based on your own moral stand point.
 
He said the main reason why he did not tell me the truth back then was bcos we had many fights bcos of his mother. He was afraid that if he told me what happened between him and that woman back then, I might not want to go ahead with the rom because we had a lot of tension with his mother.

He used to be cheated by his china ex gf. Being a spendthrift he handed his salary to his mother. His mother would give him allowance every few days.

His father is very supportive. Back then when we were checking wedding venues, his father told us to do our homework then discuss with him when we have decided. He even offered to sponsor us for the food and ROM.

AFter we have checked everything, his mother in order to help his father save cost, tell us we should use BATIK CLOTH instead of white table cloth, as well as to use plastic chairs and forgo seat covers, for our outdoor wedding cermony. And to settle at the rom office instead of the thought of having it outdoor to save on the red packet.

Question - is he marrying you or me?

While respect has it's place and marriage is not about 2 individuals but rather 2 families, marriage is a lifetime and we just want some celebration within our means. It's not as if I had some unreasonable demands or asked for how many numbers of tables at some hotel. My mother was good enough not to ask for any at all.

When his son, my fiancee disobeyed him and was adamant on having an outdoor beach solemnization, she asked me out and tried to get me to persuade him to change his mind. What she said was madening. She said that he doesn't have much savings. His son has 20k with his mother which were given to him on his birthdays and CNY. She told him before that she would hand over after marriage. However, when she met me, she told me that this 20k belonged to her as she had exceeded by giving him more than his salary over the years. She also said that if I'm serious about him, I wouldn't make his son pay for all that for our wedding.

I'm not after his money. While we did not have a joint account, I want to be sure before we pay for any form of deposit be it housing or wedding preparation or else we will be stucked if we cannot come up with the rest of the money. You know what I mean? I just want to be sure that he really have that much money and with mine, we could go ahead and make preparations or else forgo the deposits we placed should we fall short of the rest of the money.

I told him while we were dating that just bcos you claimed that you are bad with finances so you could just overspend what you have. If you can't even take care of yourself, how can I expect you to help take care when we have a family and kids? What happened when you fly? Either with credit card or cash, if you can't manage your own finances, it's gone case for both scenario.

I am the head of the family in my family since my parents are divorced. It gives me a clear overview of what you're in for when you have a family to take care of and put bread on the table.

When we were dating, we either go dutch or he would pay for me at times esp now when he's earning peanuts in SQ as a cadet pilot. An average week out on 3 to max 5 times a week, he is spending less than 100 on both of us when we were out.

One occasion, his mother asked him to test me if I am a materialistic woman and see if I would fork out money out to help him if he is in dire straits. I don't recall how but somehow he came clean himself and told me what his mother asked him to do.

Strange some elderly woman - at an old age still wanna cling on and simply won't learn to let go! While the son I wonder has a brain of his own.

At our engagement, we collected some red packets and shared ourselves. His mother told me after the engagement that I should share with him and a man cannot do without money on him. I really flare up at him. I did not keep his salary. If I have to support him using my own money, are you a gigolo or what? Does it make sense when she is the one keeping his salary but I need to give him allowance, what kinda man is him? While I need to support my mother and have a family to fend for, I will never support a useless man who allow his mother to tell him what to do and let her control him.

I would say he has his good points and bad points. We went thru a lot together. He used to be so filial his mother could twist him round her finger but he has fought a lot for our relationship. Right now, he would handle his own salary and I thought him to budget.
 
Marriage is for a lifetime, if you make it to be. The WEDDING is one day. Get that right.

What are you focused on your relationship and marriage ? or the wedding ?

The wedding is very much 2 family thing especially in our asian context. That isn't going to change overnight. So, quit fantasy dreams and look at what can be done realistically. There are bound to be conflicts and frictions. It depends on how flexible you guys are to handle it. At the end of the day, a great wedding means NOTHING to having a great marriage.

"Strange some elderly woman - at an old age still wanna cling on and simply won't learn to let go! While the son I wonder has a brain of his own." You don't seem to understand elderly folks much at all. This is not strange at all. Your ignorance on how normal and common it is for parents finding it hard to let go is really something u need to reflect about. All the brain power, u failed to understand the art of managing the folks.

This may come frank and direct. But, do ponder over them, its not to insult or anything. You really need to think beyond your own domain and reasoning. Respect that your partner and his parents pretty much have their own thinking too.
 
Hi Milo

One thing to point out – I am not having any fantasy dream. How do you know we are not being realistic before understanding in depth? It was my partner’s idea to have a beach solemnization so it was not just my own rather.

While I talk about his mother not wanting to let go, it was more of those schemes to try and test me if I’m after his money. Did I have any fantasy dream of wedding? What his mother wanted was for us to live 2 storeys below them and take over control of his grandmother’s flat, then stay with his grandmother. I’m a Christian but his mother wanted me to convert to Sokka when I never once pressurized him to follow my belief.

What does his mother does? She wanted us to do nothing for the wedding, not even the rom. Why? Because she being a small shareholder in a catering company doesn’t want to have the hassle of helping out with the preparations as we had the intention of getting them to cater for the food initially. How do I know? That was what she admitted to his father and my fiancée.

Thanks for asking me to reflect but perhaps you should find out more because commenting that I was ignorant or stick to my own reasoning without sparing a thought for others.

My focus right now is not just about the wedding. Moreover, I did not place much hopes on the kind of wedding that I really want but something both of us are able to manage within our financial commitments and ability. But I believe it is only right that since marriage is once in a lifetime, we want to have some simple celebration to commemorate this day and not listen to his mother to do without any celebration.
 
dile, the reason why I'm telling this is because you seemed very surprised over his mum behavior. It aren't so surprisingly. Not exactly the best MIL one can hope for but its really very very normal. To think that your partner doesn't have a brain of his own, then why are you marrying him in the 1st place? Food for thoughts.

No need to be defensive. Just think about what I said, if its really not applicable or not. Is your partner a mummy's boy or is he caught in a difficult situation? And is she just some one off crazy woman or just another MIL with her usual insecurity and paranoid behaviors? Have you wondered why he isn't being truthful with you? When your spouse isn't able to trust you with the truth and fearing this and that. You trying to dig info abt TOW could just be pushing him away.

If everything doesn't make sense to you, its okie. Have a good marriage and I wish u happiness.
 
His mother wanted us to take over ownership of his grandmother’s flat as she believed that we could earn a profit after 5 years as her friend was making a profit from the sale of her flat. The difference was her friend had been staying in her Tanjong Rhu apartment for years. Back then, the cost of buying was cheap and she had finished paying all the payments.

I stayed in a hdb flat with my mother and I am providing a roof for my divorced sister who has a 4 year old daughter. Her mother pressed us to take over ownership of that flat and told me to tell my sister to move out soon so that I could sell my current flat and take over his grandmother’s flat.

His grandmother is staying with his auntie and his cousin. It’s not that I do not wish to live below them or take care of his grandmother although I have to admit that the idea sounds weird. But what’s going to become of his relatives who are staying with his grandmother now if we were to take over ownership of that flat? And what’s going to become of my mother, my sister and my niece? My sister is getting her flat soon but I will never listen to his mother by rushing my sister to move out asap. Likewise in the same token, my mother may choose to stay with my divorced sister or with us if we have a place of our own when we’re married or stay put in our current flat. Although I’m not the only child in my family, I do admit that for years, I have been the one taking care of the family even before my parent’s divorce and I will also do the same since my parents are divorced.

We did our homework at hdb before we could convince her that her idea was not truly profitable. He is studying right now. I do not want to encumber him with the burden of getting a flat and having to cope with the additional costs for maintaining a flat when he is not earning much as a cadet.

My fiancée is good in the sense that he is very supportive of my decision and he has been very helpful during this period when my family needs help and I am unsure of things or is unable to manage myself. Likewise, I will do the same for his family. I make it a point to visit his parents. I even accept the gifts his mother bought me, be it small or big because they mean well.

As for his mother wanting me to convert to Sokka, on occasions when they would gather to pay respects to the deceased relatives, I would make it a point to be there. Although I cannot pray, I would be there to pay my respects and help out. I may not be able to do much but at least I was present.

Milo, I know you mean well. Yes, you do have your point. Thanks anyway!
 
Dile,

I know it's hard, but since I get a feel you will go ahead (with the wedding), try to manage this in-law relationship well. Otherwise your future husband will be caught in the middle, not to mention it being the source of other conflicts to come. Jiayou!
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Hi Dile,

I'm not here to pass judgement on whether you should do this or do that but I always feel that you need to assess if you are willing to continue to work at the relationship now and after marriage. If it's impossible because all these negativities outweigh your love for each other, then it's best not to get married. It is not right for anyone of us to say you should give in more or you should quit and give up because ultimately it's you, not us, who need to find out if you are able to work out the problems with your fiance.

I had my personal problems with ex bf's mum because his mum was a divorcee and feels highly insecure, always thinking I'm there to 'steal' his son's time and affection. I know I can't handle it so I gave up. So you really need to know yourself well. Project into the future and imagine this problem being magnified - are you able to handle? Do you have faith in your man to see through all these with you? That problem with him flirting with another woman and the other problem with his mum, which is worse or are they equally deterring you from jumping into marriage? Pushing back your rom is a good move I think. It gives you time to think through things before you arrive at a decision that you wouldn't regret later in life.
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coming from me, he seems an unreliable guy to marry in the first place - and i'm only referring to financial responsibilities...
what kind of guy would even hand over his entire salary to his mother? something's obviously misplaced....

on the ROM, don't lament if you guys are not forking on your own (just freaking different table cloths... very big issue meh?) but obviously, he is not capable of doing that.

can only foresee more issues up and coming between you and your future MIL...

don't you think that you're like his guardian - treading the same path just like his mother - such that he doesn't even has his freaking own mind at times?

btw, pretty unnecessary to label that gal a "slut" and try to track her down... for what? u sure u wanna listen to her "story" - abt how she falls in love with your fiance within a month? weird...
 
I maybe wrong... but I'm suspecting that a significant group of ladies in our region (definitely not all though) are looking for men that they find easy to control and manipulate. These are seen as the 'safe' group of men for potential husband material. And then they fought hard with their mothers. The reason why they are this easy to manipulate contributes largely by their upbringing. Hence, the difficult MIL and unable of letting go is part of that package. But, as usual, the wish list is always in a manner of picking up the good stuffs only and ignore the entire package a person comprises of. The common talk... he would be a good partner and husband if he is less filial. Blah. If he has a brain, would he be this easily manipulated? And it doesn't stop with the MIL. many other women out there would also be targeting easy preys. Such 'safe' targets are in fact really risky actually.
 
milo, u're not wrong... there are some ladies who married guys who listen to them completely or without a mind of their own - so that they will have an easier life just for themselves. it's amusing and sad, at the same time when these ladies subsequently find faults with their guys but not with their choices.

and like what sm had mentioned before, these wives will eventually become mothers themselves..... and such similar stories with MIL vs DIL always get recycled, generations after generations.

so......
 
agree with milo. A guy/bfren is compliant to a woman likely because he has been compliant to his other female significant pple in his life: e.g. mother, auntie, sister, etc. Don't mistake his compliance to be 'exclusive' to you. I think many of us human beings mistake normal/common behaviour to be 'special/exclusive' behaviour, and fall into these ego traps all too often
 
"I maybe wrong... but I'm suspecting that a significant group of ladies in our region (definitely not all though) are looking for men that they find easy to control and manipulate. These are seen as the 'safe' group of men for potential husband material. And then they fought hard with their mothers....."

Milo, you were not wrong with this observation. I think a compliant man is generally compliant to people, not just the mother or wife.
 
these men are the best husbands... until they grow their own mind... then u can't deal with the rebellion... u think your husband changed, but actually he didn't, he merely developed a part of himself which u were hoping would never be developed.

end of the day both mother and wife are trying to take advantage of the son-husband to do their bidding. well, when u have 2 girls and only 1 barbie doll, a fight is inevitable...
 
vios

We are forking out on our own for the ROM. Its just that his father offered to sponsor us for the food. Hence, I do not like the idea of having BATIK table cloth. I dunno about you but if you don't mind any arrangement at all, it doesn't mean that is the case for everyone I reckon.

As for whether I'm manipulating or controlling him, I guess it's easy to jump to conclusion by assumptions from an outsider's point of view. Does it mean that girls who are having problems with their MIL equates to manipulating and controlling in nature. Well, I do agree that there are such girls around.

Having said that, I DID NOT say anyone here said that I belong to this category.

Vios, the reason why initially he handled his salary to his mother was because he wanted to save up for his flying courses and also for our future. It wouldn't be appropriate to let me handle of course. Hence, the best person he reckoned is his mother.

He used to be bad at handling his own finances. I don't deny he has his shortcomings. AS for having a brain of his own, he does want certain things but he dare not tell his mother. So when I voiced out my views, he then let his mother know of his own thoughts after both of us talked thru.

Anything wrong with speaking out how you would like your wedding to be done?
 
hi dile,

it doesn't matter if anyone thinks you belong to this category of gals or not. What's important if you find your answers within. In fact, I don't see anyone jumping to any conclusion. Its a suggestion that you could think about.

One moment, u think he has no thinking of his own and now, u seem to suggest he is being diplomatic and tactful in the way he is handling his mum and you. There is a significant difference there.

If he is the kind that throw you to his mum for you to handle, then you really need to worry.
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You should be thinking if you are even capable to handle the marriage without his support. But, if he is handling his mum well, then you need to learn to trust him. Let him manage his mum. Who else but her own children understand the mother better?? You might have your own ideas, share them with him. But don't dictate how and what he should do. If he is a yes man, then he is truly easily manipulated. The inability to say no is a major flaw. He may be a nice guy, but this flaw will mean the failure to prioritize and he will be exploited by others. His family will be the ones that suffer the most because he is incapable to protect what is important to him.

The emphasis on the wedding is really not useful if its working against the relationships. What is possible for another couple might not be for you guys. Getting upset isn't going to help either. Frankly, its really just the ROM. Where is your priorities?

About handling finances, I don't see how transferring that responsibility to his mother would make him any better in managing his own finances. Do you? Naturally, his mum is going to experience all the changes with his marriage. It is going to be difficult for her to let go. No doubt something you guys will have to thread tactfully and helpfully.

Be careful not to lie to yourself about the issues. If his short comings is something you cannot tolerate, then you need to address it. If you truly can workaround it, then DO so. Don't fight it anymore and get frustrated. You already know and acknowledge it. Why struggle with it when you are wanting to look beyond it.
 
Thanks Milo,

I agree. We had many conflicts right at the beginning. Then as we go along, I noticed most of the fights we had were about his mother. I'm not trying to be his guardian, I told him at times I hate to be a babysitter to him or his elder sister. Perhaps it has to do with our background. I come from an environment where I have to fend for the people around me so I need to be tough for my family. As for his family, I wouldn't say his mother is wrong but I don't like the way she controls his wallet and gives him allowances every few days. It looks bad.

So when I give the relationship some period to see how things would turn out, it does prove that he did change for the better. Not for me though. I told him he has to learn to handle his finances on his own. He has to learn to make his own decisions, whether they be his career or his own wellbeing.

Yes, I don't and never agree to him allowing his mother to manage his finances. It did not definitely make him a better person. But it was like this all along even before I know him. So he was like hiding from me when we started. One day, I stumbled upon the truth.
 
hi dile, seems worrying that he deems much information will upset u and hides from you. Probably something you guys need to work out for him to slowly feel comfortable to reveal more to you tactfully instead of hiding.

I need to highlight this again :
"If he is a yes man, then he is truly easily manipulated. The inability to say no is a major flaw. He may be a nice guy, but this flaw will mean the failure to prioritize and he will be exploited by others. His family will be the ones that suffer the most because he is incapable to protect what is important to him."

I would strongly advise against anyone from marrying a whimp. Unless she is willing to stand up for herself. But again, he might grow to resent her and see her as the difficult wife. A man needs to draw the line and be firm with even his own mother. Being completely filial isn't being whimpy mummy's boy.
 
hi dile,

well... one of my own rules - if i'm not the paymaster, i can't insist on certain preferences. if i want something extra or different, i'll top up the differences. since his dad is paying for food, why can't you guys just pay for the freaking white table cloth on top of the ROM venue? might as well throw in the cushion chairs with embroidered designs for the covers. problem solved.

i just get the idea from your posts that any non-issue would become an issue esp. if it comes from his mum, who is appointed as his "financial controller" and "lawyer".... to your greatest dismay... and coupled with the fact that you are way too independent for his weaker mental ability to think - at different stages.

if you could re-read the thread, you are freaking frustrated with his character and attitude because you really need someone to stand alongside with you in presence and spirit - after all the earlier life struggles - so in the meanwhile, his mum and that gal friend just happened to be in the same firing line when your fiance has the biggest part to play in those scenarios.
 
I dunno if it's bcos he spent his money on elsewhere and he's penniless or he's just not working or saving at all. I just hope he could be honest just as I am honest to him. It doesn't matter the fact that we don't have much savings but we could work and save for the future.



Then he told me that he just don't feel good to acknowlege the fact that he handed his entire salary to his mother.



Oh yes, he will say NO at times. He's definitely not a YES man.



His mother ever controlled his father's finances. He also handled his entire salary to her. Then when he wanted to use his own money, she would nag and complain. Eventually his father became pissed off with her and handled his own finances himself.



Why he handled over his entire salary to her in the first place? I do not know.
 
so u KNOWINGLY marry a man who hands over his entire salary to mum?

ok good luck... we regroup next year to lament on MILs...

or do u wanna fckuing address the core issues now instead of beating around the fcuking bush with all the nitty gritties instead of the Core issues??

gosh... are u even ready for marriage?

pls excuse my french... but if this is the mental quality u have, u're not gonna get past the 1st year of marriage, let alone a lifetime.
 
Well, I believe everyone has a past and their good and bad points. I'm not perfect either.

Over the 2 years, he has changed a lot for the better. Nowadays he has earned some income and we have our joint account too. He's also managing his own finances.

While I know there are saints like you who exist, I wouldn't say he's perfect but I think everyone do deserve a chance.

AS for whether I'm ready for marriage, did I say that I'm planning for marriage now? Didn't I say that I have postponed it?

Those core issues about his mother is just to provide a picture of what goes on during that time we had those problems.

So if you misunderstood and start speaking your french, is that my fault?
 
Hi Vios

Well the thing is, we don't mind paying but his mother doesn't want us to do anything initially. If she can't stop us, then that's the least she would do. Since she can't control her husband by stopping him to sponsor, then she would try to get her way like having batik cloth instead of the white table cloth.

Eventually he did something about it after the whole huha.

OK understood your point. Thanks,
 
dile, what's the rush into the marriage? Seems financially u guys aren't ready to fulfill the kind of expected lifestyle and wedding. Nevermind his history, you guys can work out a plan systematically to grow your wealth and career till a more comfortable level.
 
Dile,

Just want to give you support...since u have postponed your wedding, and is seeing how your fiancee is growing, and is happy, good for you! BUT if at any point you feel that it is not working, even if you are at the advanced stage of preparing for your wedding, I want you to know that you can still choose to opt out. DO NOT be trapped in what you know cannot work just for the sake of the wedding, ok?
 
dile,

is postponing your wedding supposed to mean anything other the fact that it's postponed?

u're still talking on the same issues, u're still eventually marrying the same man, u'll still be having the same MIL, what exactly is gonna change except for the element whereby u postponed?

so telling me u postponed, does not address the issue in any convicted manner... only u and a few other pple would believe that THAT is a solution in itself... but isit? u're still gonna come back to the same thing.

what do u mean by everyone deserves a chance? this type of generic goodwill statements are not meant for u to gamble your future on it... giving chances is different from giving your future to a man...

and until such time u understand that u're going into the mode of sweeping everything under the carpet and just revisiting some inconsequential issues to get your affirmations to mask the bigger issue... and u're eventually still going ahead without actually addressing any issues...

i dun think anything's gonna change.
 
it's like trying to secure a bright future and postponing your O'level exams...

and when pple ask u how to be certain your future is secured, u tell them it's becos u postponed your O'Levels to next year...
 
Hey powder

Thanks, I got your point.

Yeah, no way am I gambling my future on him.I will bear in mind your advice. I didn't want him to change for me but only God knows whether he's changing for himself or for me.
 
The reason why I bring out the issue on him handling his entire salary to his mum is bcos I do not have many guy friends and I wonder if that is the case for any guy. But something within me tells me that it is just not right. Respect doesn't mean total obedience, to the extent you listen to everything your mum says.

Relationship is a drag! While I'm about to enter the aviation industry myself, I'm gonna be very busy for the next 1.5 years so his superior who is also mine has told us that we should marry soon bcos we are gonna be very busy for the next few years, even upon graduation.

I'm not rushing myself to marriage altho I'm older than him. Yes, my biological clock is ticking but I can always adopt babies and treat them as my own. I have no issues with that. Perhaps it's bcos of the people around me with failed marriages so I'm careful and not rushing into it.
 
nope it's certainly not normal... i dun know anyone amongst my guy frens... and i have ALOT, who does that.

the superior dun make sense at all... - "superior who is also mine has told us that we should marry soon bcos we are gonna be very busy for the next few years, even upon graduation." - marry becos gonna be very busy??? the superior prob assumes that u guys are super firm for marriage n based on the fact tat u're engaged. Well if u're firm to marry, then the advice is ok... but i wouldn't really advocate it becos i think in the course of the next few years with your busy lives... u're very likely to shift your priorities and re-align your requisites in a lifelong partner.

though i would think u have the life-experience thus far to know wat u want... i have some reservations on how far u've explored other possibilities, other men... cos sometimes, most times... pple stray becos they've never exposed themselves to Other suitors, Becos they've always been in a relationship with the same partner from young and never considered other options...

when these options manifest in the course of your life... u Might find them appealing, refreshing and even enticing... this part is for your self-exploration.

why men stray, why women stray... alot of it has got to do with not choosing the right partner to grow with... Sadly - alot of us make choices at stages when we are not very likely to make the wisest choice... wisdom may be abit lacking.

but all these for discussion and sharing... whether it can apply or will apply well, is based on your own adjustments.

like i said, excuse the french... i often use the hard words to emphasize on some statements... not meant to be offensive... it's a very male language, so excuse my tar-por-ness.
 
Ha ha

Jay Chou is one example.. he gives all his earnings to his mother to control.. It is not the norm but not unheard of.
 
Ok, thanks everyone.

What about his so-called, there was no such thing occuring between him and that woman in the first place? She was just a fake character.
 
Sorry I think I forgot to post it before the recent post.

Let me explain.

I admit that all along I couldn't pretend as if nothing happened about his flirting with that woman. Finally I told him that I'm not ready to commit and before I talk about future plans, I like to meet her up. Not to shame her but just to know such person exist. Even if from a distance.

Then he dropped a bomb. There was such a person. His captain indeed has such a female pilot student but he made up the character. Nothing went on between the 2 of them.

Why he did that? Bcos he felt that back then his emotional needs were not met. But from what I recall, everything was well during that period in Aug when he first mentioned about that woman. Until the time he came clean with me about that woman in Dec right at the ROM's doorstep.

I was confused. I dunno if I should believe him. Did he really make them up? Or is he trying to hide something from me? Perhaps he didn't want me to meet her in the first place. For whatever reasons, I'm not sure.

He said that he didn't tell me earlier bcos I was still mad at him and he wanted to do it when I cool off. In my opinion, it was bcos I wanted him to do sthg about it ie. let me see her then he told me this.

Emotional needs. I'm more like a man, my surroundings shaped me to be what I am today. He's a male but he has more emotional needs than I do. What if we were to get married one day and I were to neglect him due to work or children? Is he gonna create another fake character or one thing lead to another?
 
i have never really understood this need for pple to meet 'the other party'... as i begin to run in my head the possible scenarios, i can't really think of what u can do, say, react in the situation where u do meet up. another part of me wonder, as a '3rd party'... why should i bother to meet up with u? thing is... u are dealing with your fiance, she is dealing with him... both should have an idea of what he is there for, there is no need to involve each other in a triangle.

what's gonna happen? see who is prettier? smarter? richer? better? are u competitors to begin with? is he that worth competing for to begin with?

in Any of the situations, i dun think i need to meet with my competitor, or meet with a person who thinks i'm his competitor... what purpose is there? to clarify? if my lady fren has suspicious bfrens, that is their issue to deal with, not mine... do i need to meet the bfren to assure him, to clarify anything? i dun think so... i'd rather not meet her again until she dumps him... else i may be beaten up or lose my life becos some guy can't control his jealousy, and my lady fren can't control him.

an emotionally needy guy is as good as those with issues controlling their emotions or temper, or worst - anger. i dun see the need to be dragged into and associated with such pple... i seriously dun need to know them.

as for yourself... if u can't believe him, trust him and have suspicions... then u gotta get to a point where u either Can, or u Cannot. i personally cannot be with a person i dun trust as a fren, let alone a lifelong partner. i have no wish to be married til i'm 80 and before i die, realise that i was living a lie for 4 decades... it sucks, and i dun wanna die feeling shitty.

so back to You...
 
Yes, powder. I know I’m dealing with him, not her. I used to trust him but things were not the same after he dropped a time bomb and then another, with the excuse that well, his emotional needs were not being met. I really cannot be with a person I cannot trust bcos personally, I don’t feel the need to check on him. If a person wants to cheat, he will. It’s pointless to check or control bcos I do not want a robot as my spouse.

I know what you mean. Honestly, he’s not worth all my attention, time and effort spent.
 
dile, everyone has both the practical and emotional parts. Just the exact combination differs. Being predominant in one doesn't mean the other does not exist. Often, they might be even subconsciously suppressing and denialing it.

It might not be a bad thing for him to be aware of his emotional needs. But, he needs to learn how to communicate with you about it. If everyone is so clear minded of what we need and want, then many issues would not even be there. There was a point that I had mentioned several times already. You should realize that he is finding it hard to reveal his thoughts to you in fear that it would upset you. That isn't healthy. Do you accept him for who he is? Is he comfortable to be himself with you?
 
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