Finally the truth.....

N

nichie

Member
How will you feel when you own mom told you that she herself doesn’t know who your father is? I was shocked when my mom finally told me the truth that I wanted to know for years. I was told that she got pregnant when she was out with a group of friends for fun and she was drunk then. Apparently, someone took advantage of the situation and don’t dare to admit later on. How stupid can she be! However, the stupidest thing she had done is decided to have the baby! What was she thinking then! Has she spared a thought for the child then? Now I really felt lousy and I am truly a bastard as people had called me when I am young…all along I thought I have a father but now…..no wonder she refuse to tell me when I asked for so many years…she has lost contact with those people and don’t even remembered their name….how should I tell my bf about my family background that I am a nobody child….my mom’s shameful past…how am I going to face his family….I am so frustrated, disappointed and ashamed of myself and my mom…..

Truth really hurts….but it hurts more when its from someone as dear as your own mother..
 


does it really matter so much that you are fatherless? many people are single parents.

Don't see the need to be that transparent on everythings to your bf's family.
Yr mom brought you up herself and she treats you well isnt it? Its a past
 
have u wondered...if ur mum had not chose to keep u...u won't be here writing this thread?

dun bear hatred...ur mum, i believe has shown u love and care thru these years? And you have grown up....
 
This is already a past that cannot be changed... Your mother was really brave to go through this all by herself, ever wonder how much pain she has gone through to bring you up?

In the current century, there are many single parent around, does it mean all their children are ashamed of their parent?

Your mum made the decision to give birth to you goes to show you are important to her, do not break her heart by feeling ashamed of her... I'm sure she loves u alot...

Your bf may be important, but he is not as important as your mum who raised u up... Treat your mum well so that u will not regret in future...

Anyway, u dun have to tell ur bf's family everything, if they are sensitive enough, they should know not to probe into such things unless you want to share it yourself...
 
You are never a nobody child as you have your mummy's love. Ur mum chose not to tell you simply to protect you. If your bf cant understand you, sorry to say he's the the one for u. You are the 1 going to stay wi him till death, so it's who you are is important not not some dusty history.
 
"Has she spared a thought for the child then?"

i'm sure she did, that's why you are here - the child is always innocent.

have you spare a thought for her? try putting yourself in her position then and now.
 
Gal,i do agree wth e ppl here.ur mum is great to bring u up well.dun break her heart by hving such negative totssomehw I always felt tat u r sensible and mature.ur bf is a lucky guy if he get to marry u.
 
Outcast...

Sorry to hear that you had to take this bitter pill out of the blue...

You are still who you are *now*. Where and who you came from is irrelevant. A child of the universe has no reason to hide. Your personal affairs are yours to share or not, as you see fit, but no one who truly loves you would care. And those who don't truly love you are not worth your worry anyway.
 
Your frustrations is normal. But life goes on. Your fate is not decided by birth. No one can choose our parents. Appreciate her while she is still around.
 
well we all have our entrances to this Life... what matters is the entrance has been made, and what matters more is our time here...

who, what, where, how, why... they hold little significance if our life is a happy one, and we make it so...

when we look back, what is the real reason? something to blame? someone to blame?

having a father doesn't necessarily mean u're better than those without... having no inkling of who your father is doesn't make u any lesser a person deserving of the life u seek to live.

u could be better or worse, he can be a rich dude, he can be a gambling broke bum... life goes on for u. to know what u not know, to not know what u never knew, to know what u now know... there's One central figure to this whole thing... You.

how u wanna carry on is up to u... your mum can make her mistakes in life, just as u, me or anybody here have made their mistakes... some forummers have had abortions, some chose to keep the child, some struggle, some dun... end of the day it's You. it's Us. it's We.

dun take it too hard... if u wanna vent on something, try going to Anna Nucci to shop... pick the branch with lousy service... it will take your mind off things.
 
Hi,

Yes, there are fatherless people around and I should not make a big fuss about it, however, to me, personally, it will be always the greatest regret of my life, its like my life is missing part of it. I always believe that my mom knew who he is but refuse to tell me due to certain reason I don’t know. I still maintain some hope that at least one day I will know who he is or at least know something about him, tiny little thing….but now my hope is dashed…I will never know who he is or things about him…I will not dwell as much if I have lost my father when I am young even I have no collection of his image but at least I know who he is and his stories…may be I have been laughed and deride by others when I am young that I want to know or prove that I have a father (no matter what a person he is) although it will not a different to my life now…may its an unfinished quest from young…or may be where and who I come from is important to me… I guess I have carried this burden for too long and its finally lifted off from me...

I understand the pain and hardship that my mom gone through to bring me up and she will be always the dearest person in my life…yes I am wrong to say I felt ashamed of her…I have written it in a moment of frustration…if I have not kept pestering with this question she would not have say it…she told me she actually has no intention of revealing it, however, she thought that I have grown up and mature…I will able to understand and accept it…however.. I think she regret it when she saw my attitude towards her after that…i should not have said those words to her…she said she is sorry to put me in such situation….yesterday…I left the house without eating the breakfast she prepared...she called me but I just shut the door…I ate out for dinner without telling her but there is a bowl of hot soup for me when I finished bathing…yes she care and love me a lot regardless of how I treat her. I felt ashamed of myself, I went into her room and saw her massaging her legs, I just went over to massage her shoulder lightly…she closed her eyes…I apologised to her….I have a great mother and I have been a moron…

No, my bf has never asked about my family background so far…may be it’s the inferiority of me that worry too much….. and no I will not go to that Anna Nucci to shop but someone seem still cannot get over it…..
 
Outcast, you have a great mother. If you were in her shoes, what would you have done?

Her choice is to face the world and everything with you. =)
 
Won't be able to understand how it is feel being a singleparent child . But my advice is don't hold on to something who's longer there negatively and cherish what u have now. I can say u are fortunate than me tho I have a dad but i have been clearing his dabths since young & now Im clearing med bills But I won't put the blame on my mom that she didn divorce. U can choose to be happy or unhappy, its a choice.
 
Hi, Ume-chan

It’s a tough question, most probably I will abort it due to my personal experience, too hard and painful for the child, I know its not a politically correct answer…moreover being not knowing who is the guy and not a willing party, there are too much risk at stake…what will you do then?

Hi, Chocolatte

You are right…it’s a choice and Milo is right too…we can’t choose our parents and they are for life….will you not care for him if your mom divorce him? I can imagine the burden on you if you are the only child.
 
she chose the more difficult path...
she chose the path society back then, frowned upon...
she chose to put her romantic interest in lesser priority...
she chose to Not let her baby go silently into wilderness
she chose not to kill u...

i think that's all u need to know...

be thankful for the Life u have even if u're not on the smoothest path now... your happiness will always be in your hands and choices.

Merry Christmas!
 
one more thing... dun ever feel inferior nor let anyone make u feel that way abt yourself... stay in the company of good true frens... becos they make u feel good for Accepting u for Who u Are.

u will not be lesser if u know who u are and what u are...

hang in there...

ps: ya i was gonna say something abt Anna Nucci... i'm obsessed with them! haha
 
if ur mum had told u earlier, would things have been any different for u?

if ur mum had not told u at all, would u have felt better?

everyone wishes for a complete family, to have a caring father and mother and siblings to grow up with. but do we all get what we wish for?

ask around, is anyone hundred percent happy with their families, even though they may appear to be "perfect" to outsiders?

when u wish for happiness, u must wish for something realistic. not hope for the past to be different because it's something that can't be undone.
 
Outcast: I'm glad tat u apologized to ur mum. Sometimes life can be too short for regrets. Nva hurt those who truly love n care for u. U have no rights to be ashamed of ur mum. She didnt go ard sleeping w mum. It was most unfortunate tat she drank too much n got taken advantage of. U are a gal too. Put urself in her shoes, it must have been a hell of a journey for her waking up w a bad hangover n maybe shock to c herself naked, the anxiety she must have felt n the fear n confusion. Then she found out she had u n she made a super difficult decision of having u despite how society wld feel her.

Yes every1 wishes for a complete healthy happy family. But we must learn to be contended w wat we have. U are blessed w a loving mother who has brought u up well n to be a gd person in society. If u decide to tell ur bf about ur past, a real guy who is worth keeping will empathize n understand n treat ur mum well. A lousy guy will take ur past negatively, so u know he is not for keeps. Not everyone is fortunate to have a complete family, but also not everyone is fortunate to have a loving mother like u.

Cherish wat u have n leave the past behind. Sometimes its funny how pple keep searching for the truth n when they finally get it, they complain about how truth hurts. U decide wat u want. If u want the truth, then be prepared to handle it. Cant handle it, then tell others to lie to u.
 
Outcast

ur mom has given her life to you and raise u to who u can be today, or more..

try to be more optimistic and stop focusing on what u don't have and start appreciating what u have..

one day when u really experience the joy of life and living, thn maybe u will thank ur mom for not choosing to abort u back then..
 
Outcast - glad you're able to count your blessing than focusing on what it should have been. we will be a victim of the past ONLY if we choose to be.
 
Outcast: I think you have a great mum. She give life to you and sacrifice alot of things for you. That is wat mother's do. I didn't really learn how to appreciate what my mum had gone through for me till the day I lie on the hospital bed in labour. I even had epidural to help me out but when my mum give birth to me, there is no such thing. So I can't imagine how much pain my mum had to go through to give me life. I am sure your mum is the same.

With just 1 baby and a hubby at my side, I am struggling to take care of him. Your mum, all alone.. I am sure she had sacrifice much more for you.

Mother's love is the greatest love of all cause it is really unconditional love and you had gotten it. So treasure it.

If your bf cannot accept your mum's past and the truth, then he doesn't deserve you cause he doesn't know how to appreciate you.

Don't say that you will abort a child in you cause when you see that tiny little thing in you with a flickering heart and hear the heartbeat.. it is the loveliest melody you ever hear. It can even bring tears to your eyes.

So treasure what you have before it is too late.
 
Hi

Yes, I have a great mother and at times, I focus too much on my own suffering/unhappiness that I forgot about how hard is for my mother to singlehandedly raised me up without any help from her own family and she is even despised by them. When young, I have seen her crying silently in her room numerous time and I never understand then, I thought she brought all these upon herself and she deserve it. I had even quarrelled and shout at her when I am being scolded or being bullied at school. I will never understand what made her to take the leap of faith to keep me against all odd, I asked and she only told me she does not have the heart to do it. I have asked myself many times whether I will do the same if I am in the same situation but no, I tell myself I will never follow her footstep; nobody in the right mind will do it. May be I will not be a great mother as she is, I am not capable of giving unconditional love to my child under such situation, I think of myself first before the kid, pathetic right? Yes, come to think of it, she has given her whole life to me including her own happiness; I know I owe it to her forever and will never able to repay her back…..

Yes, may be I have focus too much on searching the past and forgot that I should have cherish and love her more…to her…I am her world….I understand now….

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!
 
Unfortunately no, doll, although I hope she has. She once had a close bf when I am young but it didn't work out due to the pressure from his family. Which family in the right mind will want a woman with a daughter on toll be their DIL even the guy don't mind? I used to hate myself very much then because I knew its due to me although she didn't blame me. I knew she was quite disappointed then because its not easy to find a guy that will accept a woman with a daugther. I guess from then on she has given up hope up hope of finding a partner or marriage, may be she don't want to be hurt again. That's why I will never be a single mother like her because I personally feel the pain and disappointment of my mom due to the discrimination she received.

Actually, I really hope she will find her own happiness, to have someone to share her life with, I feel it will be better for her and will be happier. I really hope she will be happy for the rest of her life. I have told her that I am perfectly ok with her to have a partner or even getting married and I will be able to take care of myself. However, she just said she is very contented to have me with her and my happiness is her happiness. Well, I am not sure whether she is talking the truth or just not to be hurt again. Although I am close to her but my mom is not a person that share her feeling or thoughts easily, even with me, at times, I don't know what is going through her mind and whether she is happy with her life now. May be with a partner, she will be able to open up and live a normal life, there are something better share with your partner rather than your children. Till now, I still find myself a burden to her and an obstacle to her happiness...felt so lousy..
 
Don't feel that way, you are never a burden or obstacle to your mum, you mean the world to her...

Love your mum, treat her as best as you can, be filial to her and she will be very very contented already... She will feel that everything she has gone through for you is worth the effort...

Cheer up!
happy.gif


Merry Christmas!
 
glad that u 想开 already..

actually, woman's happiness is not entirely about finding a nice man and get married.. trust me, u are able to give her that kind of bliss(or even better) by just being extra sweet and filial to her..

but u are all grown up now, if she really meets another man, i trust things would be smoother this time round..

u was nvr an obstacle to her happiness, and will nvr be.. in fact, the very presence of u and u having a happy life is her happiness already.. if a man really loves ur mom deep enough, he would hold on even if the world is against him..

Jia you!

Merry Christmas!
 
Outcast: Your mum meant every word when she say that your happiness is her happiness. That is the truth. When my boy cry, his tear broke my heart.. when my boy smile or laugh, his laughter melt my heart. Our child is our world. Especially when your mum only have you, you meant everything to her. One day, she will find someone who deserve her too.. maybe she will have a late blossom of love. You never know. We see all those ah pek and ah ma falling in love again even when they have grandchildren. Be happy.. for your sake and most imptly for your mum's sake. A mum's greatest achievement is to see that their child grew up well and is happy. Just that simple.
 
hi outcast,
instead of Hoping your mum will find her happiness, sometimes you can do more than just hoping.. introduce her to new activities or things that can keep her occupied and fulfilled in life.
when she says your happiness is her happiness, it is definitely true, but do not assume that is all. She will feel lonely when you are married, and probably feels too old to make more friends or even take up something new. so you might want to consider taking up an interest together w her, cooking/baking classes or whatever.. you might understand her better from another perspective even.

as I am replying to you this, this is the same advice i am giving myself as my mum brought me up with lots of sacrifice too. And I believe I am not doing enough now, and sometimes I am even mad at her for making some decisions which she did in the past. it's always easier to think what could have been done better from the shoes of the Outsider. so maybe u can also think it that way as if you are a friend giving yourself advice.

cheers~
 
Hi

I would like to thanks all for your comments and encouragement. I admit that I don’t quite understand what is my mom’s feeling and thoughts on going through this ordeal but I guess it not a very pleasant journey for her. I think I have concentrated too much on my own agony and frustration then to spare a thought for her….I know its futile but sometime I wonder whether I would have a complete different life if I was born in a normal family…although I don’t feel much resentment now..,I am starting to appreciate my life and found a purpose in it…I will certainly treasure my mom more and learn from her the art of forgive and forget for those that have ill-treated us before. Last week, I attended the funeral of my uncle….I have not seen or spoke to him or his family for a longtime because I cannot forget how he treated us before however my mom persuaded me to go…she told me what past is history and we should learn to let go and not harbour too much hatred inside us…what more he is dead now….whatever his deed is like water under the bridge…gone forever…

At the funeral, I saw his wife (which is my mom’s elder sister) and children, the very first time in so many years, she has aged like my mom and her children are grown up like me…I addressed her politely and she hold my hands, patting lightly and looking at me with benignity…no longer the cold and disparage look I remembered…she has mellowed a lot and a different person now…I discovered my mom has forged quite a close relationship with her now….i saw another side of my mom…I didn’t known she is that chatty and close to her family…my mom seem to already forget the past…I chatted with my nephew, cousin and nieces and found them all very friendly and we agreed to stay in contact and organise some outing in the future…I felt my life is changing slowly…I am not that lonely afterall...I have relatives and extended family now… during the return trip, in the taxi, my mom thank me for coming along but I told her I should thank her for asking me to come along…I can see the relieve and joy in her eyes…hmm…may be life is wonderful after all and for the first time in a long time, I dont feel any hatred or resentment when I think of my past…..
 
Hi Outcast,

I feel really happy for u! U have finally learnt to let go and ur life is much happier now....

Really glad for you!
happy.gif
 
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