Emotionally withdrawal?

C

cherriez

New Member
Hi all! After reading the many sensible and helpful advice offered on this board, I've decided to post a few questions of my own.

Bf and I will be going for our ROM in a month's time, and after having a long talk, he admitted to becoming slightly emotionally withdrawn in recent months. In his case, being unable to feel extreme joy, excitement or sadness. Sort of numb in general, I guess. When I asked if he knew why this was happening, he said that it might be a due to a few reasons

1. lack of interaction with other people
2. lack of time to do activities he used to enjoy, because of work.
3. attempt to avoid any conflicts or arguments

I feel very worried for him but I'm at a loss because I have no idea how I could help him with this, or make it better, and neither does he. For starters, we'll definitely try working on the reasons that he suspected above, but I'm afraid that it might not be as simple as that?

Reason #1 leads to my next question. I've always been rather possessive, and I think it worsened slightly when my father passed away few years back, leaving only my mum (who's in her late 60's) and I. It doesn't help that mum and I have never gotten along as well as we should have =(

Although my BF has always been very understanding, I'm still working on it, but I'm unsure of where to draw the line. An example would be: if he were to drive his female colleague who lives nearby, to work everyday. I don't think I could accept that, or even if I did, I would still feel jittery and uneasy; he thinks that it's perfectly ok, but would not do it if I wasn't comfortable.

Knowing that there are many who might not find it a big deal at all, and maybe some who might, I'd like to ask for more 3rd party opinions on this matter: am I being oversensitive/over-possessive, and should I be giving him more leeway, or are those normal reactions that some ladies would be having? Where do you folks normally draw the line in general, with your spouses/bfs/gfs?

Just for the record, I'm 26 and he's 27, and we've been together for 5 years. Thank you all so much for reading my long rambling post, and any advice would be very much appreciated!
 


yours sound like a case of flying kites... where u dun know when to pull and let go... u're unconsciously choking him and u dun know even know it. the more u seek validation and assurance, the more u're gonna choke him...

the giving lift to colleague is 50/50, if it's really along the way then daily is ok, but if need to detour alot, then maybe give 1-2days a miss else it's weird to have that in the daily routine... unnecessary commitment.

5yrs, getting married, and u still questioning him... i think it's not so much of his commitment that's an issue, it's more of how he can envision committing more and more and losing sight of who he originally was - that's the bigger fear here... i think he's afraid of losing himself in order to be married to u.

i'm guessing, so just take it as a pondering point. u should try to let go abit... suggest he take the nite off and hang out with his frens if he wants... some pple feel that they lose social life when they marry, and it's true to some extent... especially if u've got the kind of spouse that kick up a fuss... 1 bachelor nite isn't enough, and even then - some ladies will kick up a fuss and try to dig the activities on a bachelor nite...

well... sometimes i have no idea why pple get married when it's gonna be like an Emotional Jail.
 
Hi Cherriez,

Im a lady, just have 1 comment about the driving female colleague to work part.
Personally i will be upset if my htb drives his female colleague to work everyday, be it on the way or same route.
And the key word is EVERYDAY.

Call me selfish (i think i belong to the majority) but why the commitment to drive the female colleague everyday??
Unless its rainy day...

On the other hand, im sure my htb will not do this cos most guys will understand the logic behind our reaction.

PS: im not adding fuel to fire, but just stating another lady's point of view.
U should have a nice chat with him over this issue, let him know how u really feel.

Melissa.
 
thanks for the replies guys!

Powder: Makes a whole lot of sense! I'm painfully aware of my shortcomings too, and I agree totally that I need to let go.

That last sentence was a little harsh, hope it's not fully directed at us ^_^; I don't think anyone would want to walk willingly into an emotional jail, for sure! Surely many other factors contribute to the decision for marriage - love that goes without saying, enjoying each other's companionship?

I definitely don't want to tie my bf down as well, which was why I initiated the talk that we had. Made it clear that he could be as honest as he wanted to and wanted him to be doubly sure that he doesn't make a decision he would come to regret. I consider myself fortunate because we have similar 'traditional' stands, although he probably isn't as prudish as I am (but I'm working on it!)

And you're right, I definitely don't want him to lose sight of himself for my sake either! So wish us luck, and thank you for that much needed wake-up call =)


Melissa: Thanks very much for the understanding! It's really reassuring to hear that I'm not alone on this
happy.gif
Well, had another talk with him today, and we came to a rather peaceful compromise, so hopefully this issue won't be cropping up in a long while. Thank you!
 
At my workplace, it's very common for colleagues who drive to give a ride to the other colleagues to the mrt station.

I know some of them even give daily rides to certain colleagues who live nearby their places. Sometimes my male/female colleagues also offer a ride to me.

I'm glad that I never hear my colleagues' wives/hubbies making a big hoo-ha out of these rides LOL.

Maybe my workplace's Human Resource department should add a new rule to the Staff Handbook!
"2 staff of different genders should not share the same vehicle. Any staff who violates the rule shall be charged with indecent motive and molest."
 
Funny, I don't recall making a sound resembling a hoo, or even a ha. Let me know where your colleagues work/live and I'll hop on aboard. Sure to save on months of taxi-fare and petrol. Don't even need personal transport/mrt/bus/hubby anymore! Lol well jokes aside, point noted ;) Thanks for the entry!
 
yup, many factors contribute to the decision for marriage just need 1 factor to cause a breakup as well. dun take patience & tolerance for granted can liao...
 
firstly, the driving of a female colleague is NOT ok, even if it is along the way... this is my personal opinion...

letting ur bf spend every few minutes of the morning with another lady, is not ok. say if they get closer to each other and if one day, u guys suffer a communication breakdown, ur bf is going to confide in the lady... and that's it...
 
what's wrong with giving female colleagues a lift to work if its on the way?

So what if the b/f is spending a few mins in the car with that female colleague? he spends the whole day at work with female colleagues, female clients etc talking & working with them right? what is he supposed to do? ignore the women?

have some faith in your man lah!
 
haha. thanks for the morning entertainment betty. i guess you are right. spending a few minutes with another lady will make them become closer. and if your bf just confide in this bf. that it..

Going to start an affair so easily. ditch this guy.. so simple to start an affair just confiding in problems? can i send you home? will u fall in love with me over the few minutes i spend with you?

i remember sending my female classmates home and never remember ending up in their skirts so i guess. its really up to individual de. if the bf so easily fall in love with a his female colleague over that few minutes of lonely car rides. what about executives working for the same projects with lots of OT in a lonely building.

imagine the rainy season is approaching.. thunders roar, lightning flashes across the skies. your bf and this new intern / female boss/ maybe another gay inside this room just 1 to 1 discussing / eat/rest/ tea break then are they going to end up together.

chiam lah.. this kind of thinking in this era.
wah pian
 
hi cherriez,

do note that a coupleship is not the only aspect in life... it's far different from just knowing abt it... u gotta look thru ur partner's eyes and understand that there are certain importances in his life.

we can't just have one priority (ie. family/love) which builds up the sole dependence in our life for that. kinda scary, don't u think? at coffeeshops (during my kopi breaks), i like to chat with eldery people abt their lives, their children, etc... and some were apparantly lost as i heard that they have lived too long to be where they are now. sorta sad but enlightening...

btw the car ride thingy is Insecurity, isn't it?
 
Public Transport lagy worse... Have more opportunity to see gals.. ISO spending that few mins, it's gonna be half an hour or more for that ride...

My GF got to know her hubby thru taking public transport aka BUS... Took the same bus every morning until one fine day, that guy approached her... machiam TV show... Hahahaha...

BEWARE!!!
 
wow, if this is the case,
I guess my hubby will divorce me soon...
I always got ride to the office if I dun drive...
And when i drive, I pick up my colleague too...

my hubby is ok abt this too...

What's wrong with female colleagues taking male colleagues car and vice versa??

Guess, since you dun trust your partners, what's else to talk abt??
 
Cherriez: personally, I will not feel that comfortable if my hubby gives a lady colleague a lift as well on a regular basis unless I am realli close with that colleague in one way or another too. I believe this might sound not being open or the trust level isn't there for some, but how I might feel will be a little different. It is always understandable that most affairs might start coz of a regular contact etc and I believe in that some preventation might helps. But being together for a period of time, we have to learn to trust our partners to a certain extent and I dun question or make a fuss out of the blue w/o any valid reasons too.
happy.gif
 
Wow ok, hmm. It was just a rhetorical question, an example and how any others would view it. Not happening anytime soon, since we don't have a car anyway. I don't think there really was a need for all that sarcasm, yea? I do appreciate all the different opinions and mindsets that you guys have and likewise, I hope that you'll respect mine as well (not agree, but just a bit of respect is appreciated). You've all made very valid points and I think that's helped me sort out my thoughts a lot, so I thank all of you for the help =)

Vios and koikoi, you're both pretty spot on about the trust and insecurity issues. It's been a problem I've been grappling with and believe me, it's NOT pleasant at all. Just that I've experienced too many such going-ons happening to me and around me to not be cynical or jaded, but am trying very hard not to let any of it get in the way. I think the coming ROM just made me realize the urgency of the matter.

betty and littlewoman: I think you basically summarized my worries pretty well? Thank you for that bit of understanding!
 
Cherriez,

5 years being together, I guess you understand what kind of person he is... You have to remind yourself that you have top open up...

In a relationship, it's like flying a kite...
pull too loose, you will have a hard time retrieving it back, pull too tight, the string snap and it's gone forever.. We have to learn to pull and let go at times...

Give him the trust...
Believe in your choice...

get yourself engage in some activities to divert your possessiveness...
 
Cherriez, I guess it is just a different view on persepective. like what Koikoi mentioned, r/s is realli similiar to flying a kite, we can't be over possessive, can't be over insecure but at the same time, not raising our concerns might makes us feel that we are suffocating due to our fears and insecurity. Hence, we mus learn what/how to let go of certain matters/issues at times.
happy.gif
Both guys and gals don't like their partners for throwing a tantrum due to feeling insecure and suspicions.
 
koikoi: yup! That's the direction that I would want to be heading too. I realized this when I was into the 3rd year of my relationship, but like powder said, I was taking things for granted. I guess I've really woken up now, and I don't want him to lose himself because of me. So now the ball is in my court, and I hope I can prove that he doesn't actually have to sell away the car (that actually doesn't exist) lol =P Thank you for the advice!

littlewoman: hahah I really have to get the hang of that kite huh? I guess that was why I started this thread initially, to find out just how differing my 'issues' are as compared to the rest. Seems it varies very largely, so I'll definitly have to put in even more effort! Thank you =)
 
Haha.. Cherriez: I've learnt a lot during my 8 yrs r/s with my hubby ba.. There was also lots of ups and downs but I believe it simply take 2 hands to clap, same goes to that, we should always take a balance in anything we do, not too much, not too little.. just "the right amount".
 
Hey Cherriez, rhetorical questions do not require answers. Yours not considered rhetorical but hypothetical in nature.

Anyway, I don't know what you were trying to get at saying that you are trying to draw the line. Are you crafting fidelity do's and don'ts for your bf to chew on?

On use of sarcasm, what's wrong if I can deliver my point effectively?
 
doll: hahah oops! My bad. Hypothetical then. Fidelity do's or don'ts...if you put it that way sounds quite nonsensical lol. Hm well just like how you would find my car-thing a line to draw at, something that you don't approve of or wouldn't do, I've already got an answer from you. It's a sort of gauge for me. People provide input, I chew on 'em, and then decide what will hopefully work best for myself and my bf.
 
Cherriez, well, it seems you are trying to come out with different scenarios and set behaviourial parametres. Isn't that drawing out do's and don'ts?

Look, you asked for opinions which means we are free to express. You didn't ask if we would or would not accept that our bf/hb giving rides to female colleagues.
 
It's no use that we, your bf included, understand that you have insecurity. Don't stop at getting validations. You would still have to be the one to deal with your insecurity.
 
Hm well I think I've gotten my answers already, or at least, I've read enough to know which direction I should be heading. Guess I knew it all along, just needed an extra prodding in the right way? And yea you're right, now it's my turn to deal with the real issue. Thank you =)
 
Cherriez: Since you are getting married in another month's time, don't think too much and let unnecessary issues get to you.. It is the pre-thingy, the pre-phobia etc etc before the major event.. Jus relax, I am sure your bf and you have come a long way and also will be progressing the longer road together as well.
happy.gif
 
Thanks, littlewoman! I suspected it might be pre-wedding jitters too, but then it's a jolting reminder to myself that I can't let this go on forever as well. Thank you for your comforting words, makes me feel just this much more relieved =D
 
nothing wrong with fetching colleagues lah. But for me, I don't like the commitment of having someone wait for my transport daily.

I love flexibility to drop by for coffee, breakfast or something anytime I feel like. This is the kind of convenience I enjoy with a car. No way to make such a long term commitment with colleague to become their driver. Unless I'm paid a handsome amount for the 'cab ride'.
 
Cherriez: U are welcome.. coz I been through such jitters at the planning of my ROM 2 yrs back and m now having cold feet at the initial planning stage of my AD too. But the couple will feel closer once they overcome such hurdles together.. and dun assume things, always talk to your close one (HTB) if you have doubts.. He is the best person for any clarifications.. this will prevent arguments, having unnecessary fears and headaches as well. Being in a r/s is always a learning journey ya..
happy.gif
 
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