Do i need to change myself for him?

H

helenho

New Member
hi everyone,
I'm fuss now. keep pondering i shd change myself more gentle for my bf or not.i'm nt that fierce to my bf but admit seldom gentle soft being towards him. Now was keep puzzle shd all woman must need gentle to guy? Is it such important to a guy? pls advice here. thanks
 


yes very important. being gentle is the number 1 quality a qoman must have to keep a guy... even if the guy slps u, punch u, kicks u, u must be gentle. as long as u are gentle, your guy will not leave u.

oh yes - ALL women must be gentle to guy.
 
Powder.... LOL.

Helen, that is basically a frank feedback from your bf on his preference. You don't need the ideas from others because its a different relationship with different people. In fact, I'm seeing that as a no brainer question. Like asking if all guys like blowjob. For every guy that doesn't like that, he is actually the adnormal one. But enjoy and must have are different.

There are 2 parts:-
1) we should be with someone that is willing to accept who we really are. Not just accept... but loving it.
2) differences are normal. Its healthy and good to feedback and communicate. I actually see nothing harmful over his feedback. Its about applying some EQ. You understand his needs and therefore know how to please him. But, this works both ways. You too should be comfortable to voice out your preferences.

Never change for someone. Change because you understand and appreciate that need for change.

I'm sure you have a feminine side within. Just seach within to bring out your feminine side. Also, for it to come naturally, you need him to provide that atmosphere and environment that encourages it.
 
powder,
are you serious?

milo,
i can say i'm quite normal compare to other girls. i know why he need me more being gentle cos due to his ex gf was really really gentle to him before. was already told him i will try to pls or more soft to him. But it seem yet to his standard or maybe can say he used to it last time? maybe the main thing is soft talk.
 
helen, it is not healthy for the relationship with him comparing you with his ex. Dump this man if he cannot accept who you are.

powder is only being sarcastic here. Don't take it literally.
 
helen,

the question u just asked me, is the response u should give him.

and u can tell him u wish he can be as smart as me. ALL guys must be smart.
 
milo,
Though he nvr voice out compare me with his ex.But i can felt it strong. He said he nvr compare at all. From what i see him, he nt know he actually compare me with his ex. or maybe he really need a gentle gf beside him.
 
this 'maybe'.... u and him gotta figure that out.

No point guessing.

Actually, everyone that got to meet my wife tells me how sweet and gentle she is. But within us, I'm the gentle one. She is really quite impatient. Something others do not see
happy.gif
 
When it comes to change, it depends on what kind of changes u r adopting...

Some thngs cant be changed, some can and should. Eg. When 2 pple stay together for the first time, there's bound to be changes and compromises. Sometimes a partner will change for another person but if that change is causing internal conflict, then sooner or later, that change will fall apart and u will go back to ur old self.
 
tingyi,
he nvr mentioned sa jiao or xiao nu ren. But only always asked me more gentle towards him.treat him different as compare others. so that he felt special to me. think he prefer soft rather than normal tone to him. i really nvr show him fierce or loud to him.

frankly, i know what he want. but the problem is if i change myself totally gentle way.. think i may gone crazy & very uncomfy.
 
milo,
i know you treated ur wify sweet & gentle.. will you ask her treat you as well? or shd said you love her the way she impatient?
 
she has her gentle side. But I know her enough than to expect a different her. Both of us are impatient people. We have our flaws. I can live with that.

We progress, overcome issues and fights together. We don't argue over the same kind of things as we used to. Couples influence each other all of the time. It is important to synergize that. If the influence is a bad one, then one needs to reflect and put a stop to it.

Sometimes, friends tell me they envy us for how loving we are with each other. Basically, they are literally shouting at their spouses and wonder why we are so sweet together. Its completely natural with my partner. Its not forced. If its forced, then very hard to sustain.
 
"frankly, i know what he want. but the problem is if i change myself totally gentle way.. think i may gone crazy & very uncomfy."

Helen if you dont enjoy it then dont do it...be confident of yourself I believe you can bring out your own beauty of your charactor. I would like my bf to see who I am rather to pretend to be another person. very tiring..
 
Helen, im those "chuo luo" type and i speak in a loud manner until my frds felt embarassed to go out with me :p they asked me whether i need a "mike" to tok? I do laugh v loud too till everyone turned to look at me. Even wearing a skirt, I walked like a duck and I cant even imagine that I speak in a gentle and soft way.
Maybe you can be straightforward and direct to your bf and tell him that it's v hard for you to behave like that so that he wont hinder any expectations towards u too and you also don't need to pressure urself to change for him either.
 
Bedokboy: U made helen confused. Haha, but i agree w u.

Helen: Is he ur 1st bf? I'm guessing u shd be in ur early 20s to ask such a qn? Think about it tis way - guys will nva mind their gfs being gentle or sweet n look pretty for them. Gals will nva mind if their bfs are rich n bring them to nice restaurants, buy stuff for them, surprise them w a holiday trip to Paris etc. Showing gentleness n tender sweetness is part of ur love for ur bf. If u only do so occasionally, it is fine. Of course ur bf will feel gd having u be gentle n 'xiao nu ren' towards him, but it shd come naturally n sincerely from the heart.

Dun fake it cos tat will be worse. Ur bf's ex is not impt at all n shd not be a concern to u. He might have liked her gentle nature but there are many more aspects to a human being. So while ur bf may hope tat u can be more gentle to him n treat him special, tat doesnt mean tat u have to fake it or stress over it. U have ur unique qualities tat attracted him to him, so take pride in tat n be urself. If u want to show more love for him n try to be more gentle, do so cos u want to, not cos he hopes u can.
 
see evon's post. re 'i'm guessing u shd be in your early 20s to ask such a qn?'

I didn't want to be too direct and was hoping the 'older' ones would catch my drift. Powd I'm certain you know what I'm talking about and you're just joking about the 'threat' bit. Haha.

Honestly, as a single dude out there, really really tough the kind of girls you meet out there. And the sad fact is there are many girls like TS.
sad.gif
 
no leh i catch ball, do i pose a threat to u? do i? do i? haha...

be more direct mah... it helps. u already have married man like me whom she has to read between the lines...
 
Hi, bedokboy

I understand what you trying to say that powder and milo is married now and don't have to be dating and dealing with gals like TS but what no so good about her? Dont you like such 'accomodating' gal for gf eg gentle for your sack? although I don't agree on changing myself too much to suit my bf.
 
Helen might also be sensitive and read too much into her bf's thought.

If he don't like u, y did he choose u in the 1st plc? Be more confident
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Yalor, havnt even got married must change this and tht for him, after marriage how?

So, Tingyi, did your bf then and hubby now 'requested' any change or improvement from you? My bf didn't complain anything instead I told him he is abit 'wooden' or blur lah...everytime cannot catch my hint..must tell him clearly...where got fun..
 
nic, sometimes gals are too sensitive and read too much into it though the guy doesn't mean anything...
for me, i dun like guessing and will just pick up the phone to ask wat the other person wan lah..

eh no leh coz im a straightforward person and i will tell him directly wat i wan or wat i cant do..wahaha..
maybe you would like to plan for a surprise for ur bf instead of the other way round..
 
Frankly, guys hate guessing games. WE DON'T HINT. So, don't read what we don't say. Its nothing worth mentioning when we don't say it. The more you guess, the less you will know because, after a while... become TL to talk already. Best shut up and stop the guessing.

But in actual fact, it drives the women to more insecurity and just will never quit guessing.

There is something called communication. Build on that. The more confident you are about the open communication with your partner, the less you need to guess. And you would trust him to handle stuffs himself and voice out if issues are serious enough to talk about.
 
Hi Helen

He sounds like he's asking for special treatment from you - to distinguish how you treat normal friends from him. Do you speak to him as if he were one of your other friends? Perhaps that's why he feels that way. Nothing different for "boyfriend".

But... if you were never woolly gentle with him to begin with, especially in the early days when you started dating, how is it that he asked you to get together with him?
 
outcast,

accomodating comes at a price. There will be payback one.

I'd much rather that someone does not need to decide if she is accomodating or not. Just be as you are. If you 'give in' on certain things, don't see it as being 'accomodating' but as being something u do out of free will.

It will return to bite you if you keep thinking that you have been accomodating all this while, but why your SO never do this in return for you, why never do that to reciprocate, etc.

There will be many who may respond that they are not that calculative and I am the one being so. I might be too tired to 'help them see my POV' too so...

even as i type now my eyelids are getting very very heavy... must be the sumptuous lunch at Crystal Jade earlier...

zzz...
 
ts, jus be who u are. i was quite accomodating to my bf when we started dating. very xiao nu ren and gentle cos i had the idea that it was what he wanted. but i was uncomfy... until finally one day i jus told him, sorry, i can't act cute anymore.

it may sound funny to some of u, but that was really what i said. and u know what, he said, ok, i nv ask u to act cute.

and all is well... so ts, u can jus be urself. dont need to take his words too literally. i tink ur bf jus asking u to try to treat him as more special. many ways to go abt it, doesnt mean he wants u to change ur entire personality. if he really like those gentle types so much, he won't have chosen u to be his gf
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Outcast, u might like to specify WHERE cos if u've just had a brazillian, will take awhile to grow unless u go for extensions...
 
I won't demand my husband to shave his pubic hair tho I like it hairless. vice versa I won't keep wherever hair he wants me to keep.
 
aljumma,
yes, i did it yesterday. was already told him i can't keep act that way. & even direct told him if nt happy go bk to his ex's etc.he finally realised hw hard i was being thru.he accepted me the way i am. i'm glad he understand well.

oytcast,
surprisingly, i was also told him i intend to cut short hair on this mth. i know he usually prefer me in long hair looks. i'm nt spite him but really wanna have a change of my looks.
happy.gif
 
Haha...helen..sama sama..my bf also prefer me to have long hair but all along I kept shoulder length for ease of maintenance...now also thinking of keeping it shorter for outdoor activities and may be new image...keke...I think he will be disappointed....last time has long hair...too leiche and expensive although more feminine...

I think you done the right thing of telling your bf on how you felt...tell him to go back to his ex...keke...infact direct but I guess he love you very much too...
 
Short hair is more costly to maintain. Every six weeks must go for a haircut. Some of my colleagues who have long hair only step into a hair salon once or twice a year.
 
Doll

I guess you have short hair because you don't seem to be the type that will spend too much time on the hair. Long hair need a lot care and maintenance to ensure it will be healthy, smooth and glow...it also need to be trimed regularly to ensure no splite end and tidy...also straigthening or perm...a lot more time and shampoo/conditional needed...how you sleep...combing etc...don't know lei...find very troublesome to have long hair and more expensive...
 
Having preferences doesn't mean its a must. I have preference over long than short. But totally no issue with short at all. In fact, its refreshing to have your spouse with a variety of hair styles. I'm always for her to be experiment be it rebond, perm, wave, color or cut it really short.
 
Outcast, I have long hair, straight hair. Even my fringe is long. I wash my hair daily, skip the conditioner, comb hair once a day and blow dry for 5 minutes. I used to spend much more time when I had short hair as need to blow hair into style hehe. Every six weeks I will change fringe style.
 
Ladies...u can wash yr hair as many times as u like. The most important aspect is to use a SLS free product with essential oils.

Dun say superman never tell you.
 
Helen, there's no need for you to change for anyone. If he loves you as you are, he should be able to accept everything about you. Sometimes having self-confidence itself is pretty attractive. Sometimes it's about having a good match. I, for one, am not the gentle sort but my hubby is. He used to be with gentle women but the relationship didn't turn out well as he soon took them for granted and sort of bullied them in the relationship. Somehow with a 'rough' woman like me, he surprisingly appreciates and respects me and our relationship works (not that he's a meek cat or what of course). That said, it's all about balancing. Don't always just show one side of you...that to me can be boring too. Can you choose to be both gentle and rough at the same time for different situations? Also, if I were you, I wouldn't tell him that I'll become gentler or to keep my hair long etc for him. Even if you do all these to make him happy, don't say it. There's no point saying it because your partner instead of feeling grateful may feel that he's stifling you or that you have no mind of your own. That is really not attractive.
 


Hi helen,

You should not be gently just for him. Just be your self if the guy really loves you then he never leave no need to change.

You need to balance everything helen.
 
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