Decision of a lifetime

[stuv]

I would like to seek some advice, I am at a crossroad where my decision will probably impact me for the rest of my life.

Here you go......Was separted due to wife adultary sometime last year after married for a long time with 2 kids. After seperation, lead my own life and along the way met a lady E, E is a head honcho in an MNC. It has been 8 months since we met and i must say that we get along well, we communicate well, both are in very senior position and with high income.

Wife can to know about E and decided to file for divorce, in Oct cited unreasonable behaviour as the reasons. The divorce is curently ongoing, with me contesting. However, for some reason, wife decided ask for a chance to reconcile. She regretted her adultary action and ask for 3 to 6 months to see whether are we still able to go back as a family. She will drop the divorce if I agreed.

I am very tempted to reconcile for kids sake but the thought of her walking out of my life, abandoning the family makes me feel that I am not able to accept her anymore. We are staying in the same house but sleep in different room and live our own life.

I am at a cross road whether to reconcile with her or move on with my life with E. My love for her is dwelling due to her untrustful nature, she is willing to change if we reconcile but I am doubtful she can due to her track record.

On the other hand, moving on with E is attractive as we are very in love with each other. Which option should I chose? If I decided to reconcile and not able to work out, I would missed the opportunity to be with E. On the other hand, what if E and I cannot work out in future due to our strong character. I have to make this important decision soon. Your advice is appreciated.

 

[ordinaryworld]

Its a no brainer
Dump your wife and go with E. NEVER reconcile for the kids sake. The kids will be better off without the quarrels and fights they see from their parents. In short, both the kids and you will be happier if you just divorce.

 

[skylar]

agree with Ordinary here,

no pt reconciling for the sake of ur child if u still cannot have trust in ur wife, unless u r able to give ur wife back the full trust that u have given her in the past then things might work, otherwise things are gonna get tough if you are still doubting her due to her track records like u had mentioned.

 

[powder]

dude,

if u love E and lost it for your wife... dun stay.

dun confuse forgiving your wife with staying in the marriage. whether or not u can forgive her is another matter, although i personally feel u can forgive her and at least take this guilt away from her... as a parting gift perhaps. and honestly, dun reconcile even if promised a change... it's beside the point.

dun confuse staying in the marriage for the kids. your kids have as much chance of a different form of normality having 2 sets of parents as having their current set. anyway kids are quite adaptable, more adaptable than us adults.

i would think it might good to have a new lease of life.

 

[htchew]

Hi Stuv55,

If your kids are still in younger age (i.e. below 7 years), then need to consider the tender care and parental love that they might miss should they grow up in a single parent environment. Guess they will be the most unfortunate victims. Should you are unable to reconcile with your wife and have decided for a greener pasteur with E, then might just have to plan something condusive for the kids in order to minimise the impact to them so that they can grow up as normal kids. Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[powder]

provided wife i fulfilling her role as a mother... if she is a mother simply by name, then single-parent environment is better, rather than have 2 sets of parents where 1 isn't even fulfilling any role.

 

[pinkhippo2002]

if your wife really repented & shows that she's genuinely caring for you, why not a second chance?

kids are important consideration although not the only consideration

also think about what you can bring to your marriage if you decide to try again. A marriage failure is due to many factors, both parties played a part

 

[betrue]

my opinion, since already separate. Why think anymore.

I believe you can evaluate and think whether E can give ur kids the mother love they lost too.

If i'm you i'll not reconcile, but tat because i'm not under your circumstances. Only you the best person to decide for yourself

 

[september]

my feel is tat ur wife is asking for reconcile may nt necessary due to the fact tat she still love u. but more on the fact tat she cant take it tat some one esle love u also. it is more of a selfish possessive part than love.

in the 1st place, if she hv love u she shld nt hv stray...and even if she stray, after u got to noe the incident, she shld hv work hard to seek reconcile wif u and nt agreed to separation. and nt only ask for reconcile wen she noe abt E.

also, if u do nt love ur wife anymore, then there is no point staying married juz for children sake. actually no matter how young or old ur kids are, they will understand someday. and even if they are young, as long as the divorced parent are still talking and they still get to spend time / see each of them, i dun really tink it is a big deal to them.

as for E, whether will ur r/s last wif her shld nt be a prob for u to consider. unless u r saying is tat if u and E cant last, then u will choose ur wife. if nt, then wat the prob rite? tat is even if nw u choose to be wif E and divorce ur wife but at later stage of life, u and E split up, there is no regrets since u hv try ur best wat. no try no gain mah.

guess u hv to search ur heart, tat if there is still love in this marriage. if nt, it is best to release both of u out of it. same time, it will spare ur kids from growing up in a family wif no love.

 

[green_tranquility]

I will choose to move on and be with E, as my heart is with E now. Maybe E can provide more motherly love to your kids than your wife? Earlier, your wife has chosen to divorce with you despite of the two kids in marriage.

 

[smoky]

got a feeling yr wife found out u r so lucky to find somebody better den her thus dont want to lose out - hold on to u since u so desirable by a head honcho in an MNC.

Wife might not even love u, just want to drag u down.

<font color="0000ff">Kids r important, their feelings shldnt be ignored but can work out a win-win way, show them parents' separation dont affect yr love and ATTENTION.

E has met and tried to get along with yr kids? No easy being an intruder. Must sound E and tell yr kids - may seem like kids dont understand what's going on but u must stress yr love and attention will remain and they r getting another person to really love them, not snatch daddy away.</font>

 

[hifive]

as per
above posters Diana, Green and Barbie

 

[stuv]

Hi there, appreciate all your feedback and advice. It was a very difficult decision to make as it going to affect me for the rest of my life whichever path I take.

To add more, when I found out her adultry, she did not turn back but instead move out and stay with that man. I would have forgiven her at that point if she had come back to the family. However, after 2 months with her boyfriend, she regretted her action and wanted me to accept her. i did not yield in. My concern is perhaps she wanted to come back because of lifestyle which her bf cannot provide compare to what I have given her. She has been the envy of her friends due to our lifestyle.

After our seperation, I have been meeting some woman, she is aware and has been pesistent in trying to win me back. She go to the extend of harassing my female friends on a few occasion.

She filed for divorce only after knowing that I am serious about E.E is fully aware of my situation as I am very open to her. She also harassed E and make an ugly scene in her work place after knowing that I am quite serious with E. This is due to her possesive and vindictive nature.

Bronson,
My kids are both older than 7 years, they will stay with the mother after the divorce. They are aware of their mother wrong doing but obviously wish that we could get back esp the younger one that is 11 years this year.

Hippo,
I am very tempted to reconcile for kids sake but is concern that I may not be able to forgive her. She is willing to meet my conditions if I reconcile but I m afraid that she will go back to her truth self once I am back with her, i.e.jealous, want to control my movement etc.and bring up my encounter with all this woman after my seperation.

Barbie,
E has not met my kids but know much about them from me. My wife has brainwash them and make E the bad person. Meaning I dont want to go back to the family because of E!!

Obviously, going through the divorce is going to be difficult. I hv lots to lose in matrimonial assets and maintenance. My wife has already ask for ridiculous division and kids maintenance even though she is also running her own biz. Most of the assets is paid by me but under joint name. My wish is to simplify the divorce to save time, money on legal and emotion but knowing my wife character, she is going to make it difficult. The kids wish is to follow the mothers stay in the current house.

Do you think I should still go with the divorce and move on with E?

 

[september]

ok, ur wife hv brainwash ur kids. but hv u spoken to them to explain tings to them? also, if u say they are aware of their mum wrong doing, but y are they still on her side? coz she noe how to explain to them and seek their forgiveness? wat abt u? wat hv u done to let them understand how u feel etc?

the ting is, it is nv easy for kids to accept another person de. but effort hv to be make. so far, did nt see u mention any effort on ur part to let ur kids understand how u feel.

 

[simpleman]

I don't think your relationship with your wife is going to be easy.

First and foremost you have to ask yourself do you still love your wife and want to spend the rest of your life with her? If yes, can you forgive her for what she has done? If yes, again then you should try to work at reconciliation with your wife.

If you are not sure if you still love your wife or whether you can forgive her now, then there is no point in continuing the relationship.

There are many reasons why your wife wants to be back with you - and they may not be the right reasons for you to stick together. Why she left you in the first place? And won't it happen again in the future?

I would say never agree to get back together because of the children. The children will understand as much as they want daddy and mommy to be together.

As for E, continue to be friends with her but in the mean time sort out your own marriage first. Don't drag someone through the mess. Divorce is difficult but if you have to go through, you have to go through. There is no short-cut.

 

[simpleman]

Actually since the children want to be with their mother and you have no wish to fight for custody (I presume), then I would say it is not going to be too difficult. It is just the asset and financial like alimony and child support.

In any case, you can still get access to the children and still be a father to them.

 

[express_goh]

Agreed with simpleman. He braved through a storm before and you will too...Cheer up

 

[smoky]

stuv55 (stuv)
u asked "Do you think I should still go with the divorce and move on with E?"

b4 answering, <font color="0000ff">like to know how did u explained to yr kids when yr wife disappeared with a man for 2mths?</font> Make this clear to yr kids, their mum ran away for another man but decided to come for ..... blah blah. Dont assume kids understand yr position. Dont simply give up custody and create wrong impression that u dont want them, u want another woman, u at fault ......

I dont understand law and the effects of wife adultery vs woman protection. My point is, if u give her so much maintenance and kids allowance (custody), will she really care for the kids, will she find another man and neglect the kids? If that happens, will E be willing to live with yr kids?

If not wrong, divorced parents can share kids custody.

Now to answer yr question, I'll divorce unfaithful wife but not giving in to unreasonable demands. If I'm a man, I dont mind drag till she cant stand and decided to leave again .... maybe empty handed, incl kids. hehehe (provided E dont mind living with them cos not easy)

 

[miloice]

barbie,

the kids are too young to understand and by telling them about the affairs etc, it is directing causing them to have resentments for their mother.

I wouldn't advise parents to give their kids their opinionated views of their spouse. This is very important to the children's emotional development. Growing up with deep resentments over a parent is going to affect the child's entire development.

 

[1pumpkin]

miloice
The look of stuv55's posts seems like he didnt do any explanation. His wife brainwashed the kids instead (caused resentment to dad).

I read few cases where couples thot divorce shldnt involved kids. They assumed kids will understand when grown up but in actual fact, these tiny ppl can sense and start to hearsay or speculate.

Agree with you on children's emotional development - so shld let kids be informed not force them choose papa or mama or see parents firing at ea other. Kids need to know parents still belong to them, love them and can still take care of them although separated.

 

[avante]

Stuv, do you still love your wife ? If you have no more feelings for her, it's better to go your own separate ways and move on with life.

 

[miserylady]

Hi all,
Will like to seek some advice here. I've been married for the last 15 yrs but my hubby is just so irresponsible towards the family. Thing got worse when my two daughters were born as he never even bother to be part of their up bringing. The responsibilities literally just fall on me and the maid. I basically have to oversee the whole household matters espically when come to financial matters. He simply dun contribute much to the household expenses. To worsen suitation, he even fully depend on me for everything this day after we've moved to our new HDB flat. I just feeling so mentally drain and physically tired cos I just have to play both mother and father role towards my two young daughters. I guess I should end my marriage as is meaningless for me to carry on as I just being a single mother even though I still legally married. Can someone kind enough to provide me some advice if I will to file for divorce, what are the things I should take note. I will like to have the custody of my two young daughters as I know he wont be bother to take good care of them if custody is given to him. I dun want to ruin my two young daughters' future by him having the two girls' custody. Thank you.