Confused state

C

confusenism

New Member
can someone please share with me on your views on wad im gonna say.

ok.. i have been with this ger for the past 4years+ all along we have been having issues that werent very major.

over the years we have made compromises and the relationship has been going better. however past issues werent thoroughly solved. things like parental objections and there is just something in her character that irks me.

6months ago i made the decision to commit and i proposed to her and yes she agreed. thereafter we went shopping for wedding bands, bridal package and applied for a flat. however along the way of all tis plannings. her parents were still kept in the dark. things like e application of a flat and the rings and bridal package. whenever i ask her about it she would avoid the qns at all cost. this seriously turns me off totally. esp. her mum's attitude and no matter how much she wants to not be like her mum she's still displaying traits of her.

i have to admit that her family background is much better than mine in terms of monetary concerns education background. to add im perfectly adequate to have a family without support from anyone.

for the past 9months i have been in contact with a childhood friend of mine who we have known for more than 20years and yes. she has almost totally the same character as me and somewad reads me like a book. slowly i have found myself to have fallen for her and she seems to be displaying traits of the same feeling as me. i once asked her whether she will rule the possibility out of us being together. she gave me a no she wont rule the possibility out.

before u all start bombarding me and screaming at me i must first state that i aint no 2timer and such. all my outings out with my childhood friend were purely platonic.

many atimes i pushed myself away from the fact that im straying and forced myself to be focused. this worked well initially. however as the flat selection date pushes nearer im beginning to ask myself qns before i make a further commitment to the relationship.

to be fair to her i must say that she has been a gd gf. she cares for me and showers me with gifts and such. but her attitude towards certain things i cant just tolerate. together with her mum's strong objection its just pushing me further away. i dun wanna simply get married and regret later in life. plus her non chalant attitude towards marriage is making it worst, for eg; i have been the one doing research and such making appts everything! i mean i understand ladies are generally more enthu than the guy but im in the exact opposite situation!this is making me tired and such. to an extent i feel im rushing things.

maybe im MCP or wadeva but at times things like a massage i have to like beg for one and not get it still. when she's at my place at times im lazy i asked her for help to iron 1 pc of shirt and yet still get rejected.

now im stuck in the cross roads of whether to end things as some issues are simply unsolvable and maybe move on to greener pastures. i understandi may get blasted by some. but pls be merciful. thanks!
 


Confused Crossroads - Think you need to ask yourself. What leads you to propose to her & do all the preparations? What is the reasons that U want to marry her?

For your childhood friend, What is your feeling towards her? Just friend or just to get attentions from her since u cant get it from yr gf.

Give yourself some time alone to think about it. Dont regret after u made the decision. End of the day, decision maker still yours!
 
I think you shouldn't go ahead with the marriage if your heart is not convinced. Some more, you said you've fallen for the childhood friend. Like that how to go ahead and marry someone else? It's not being fair to your GF.

Best to sort out your thoughts on WHO you really love.
 
Also, you mentioned that your GF has been a good one and cares for you. So why are you upset that she refuse to iron or massage you? Nobody is perfect, you know? Nobody can please anyone completely, not even your spouse. If she has been good and showing you love in other ways all along, i don't understand why you're upset over a silly massage and un-ironed shirt.
 
confused crossroads,

Have you talked to your fiancee about what is happening, that you are quite unhappy with how she avoids questions and keeps the marriage thingy in the dark from her parents. Ask about her intentions for this marriage, and tell her frankly that you are now unsure whether to proceed on. Tell her that it feels like u2 are not really compatible and things doesn't seem like they will work out in the end...then see how she reacts. Have a frank discussion about where u2 stand and whether u2 want to continue.

Your childhood friend...you know what to do. Leave her out of this picture until you end with your fiancee, that is to say if you intend to lah.

If you need more infor or clarifications, you can pm me.

Hope this helps!
 
ariel -

its not just ironing and massages. i would a complete arsehole if thats the only push factor.
with that its just an additional plus factor.

its certains things in her that make me feel that the entire thing wrong. the wishy washyness in the way she's handling the marriage issues. and i the kinda person who will be satisfied with just bread n butter. but she's the kinda prolly only satisfied with a doz. of chanel bags..
 
Childhood friend but only get back in contact 9 months back? Love of 4 yrs plus can be waived and swayed by someone you onli come in contact 9 months back? Do you think it is fair for ur gf to marry u? She accepted the proposal coz she thot she has found someone who loves her truly, she doesn't accept a proposal from someone who has someone else in his heart?
 
hweebs -

whenever i bring out the topic like "so how? u told ur mum le mah? or u need me to talk to her straight?" she would like ask me not to stress her or ask her qns whereby she gt no answers to. this makes me irritated. the more she avoids e more irritated i become.

just like i find myself apologising at things thats simply not my fault. we have broken up once sometime 2yrs ago and gt back together 3months later. those issues were somewad ironed out then. but lately i realised it hasnt actually been solved.

as for e childhood friend of mine, i wouldnt do anything until i solve this problem.
 
littlewoman -

the appearance of the ger in the past 9months was actually the period whereby problems started showing itself clearly. honestly even without her appearing i prolly wouldnt go ahead to marry my fiancee.
maybe its a push factor on myside no denial for it.
 
Okay confused crossroads. Did you talk to her about her wishy-washy behavior and how frustrated you feel about it?

What do you want, really? Do you still love your GF and want to make things work and marry her?

"whenever i bring out the topic like "so how? u told ur mum le mah? or u need me to talk to her straight?" she would like ask me not to stress her or ask her qns whereby she gt no answers to. this makes me irritated. the more she avoids e more irritated i become. "

Maybe she is facing tremendous pressures at home from her mom for being with you? Maybe she don't wish to burden you with these until she sorts it out first? I'm just guessing lah... but you can try to see from her point of view too. It's not easy handling difficult parents, especially if they don't like the person you want to marry.

Have you visited her family before? How are her parents' reaction to you?
 
why confused leh? pretty clear-cut what...

u're just not keen on marrying her
happy.gif
 
in the nutshell, you have emotions for your gf but cannot love and accept her for who she really is.

You screw up in proposing when you are still blur over yourself. Time to really find out what truly matters to you. Your friend's existence merely make that fact more obvious for you.
 
Just to clarify, I'm just assuming the mom doesn't like you (from the earlier post you mentioned she objected to her being with you). If I'm mistaken, I apologize...
 
I have not seen a woman who's not even in the least bit interested or excited about her upcoming wedding preparations...chances are, she's just paying you lip service only.

If you can't settle all these differences in opinions/character now, I think you can forget about marrying her cos you will have bigger problems in time to come.
 
Simple what..

Break-off with gf.. and then take it from there..

Since she is bo chap about marriage, she probably also bo chap about break off..

Then you can go pursue your childhood friend..

Super-Clear.. no confusion
 
confused crossroads,

Understand what you mean by that you had brought up the topic before, asking her whether she has told her mum. Now I am suggesting telling her exactly how u feel about things, i.e. you are not so sure about her commitment in this relationship, because she keeps avoiding these important subjects. As you are telling her how you feel and think instead of directing the action to her, she will try to listen to you. I dunno, this might either come as a shock to her (that you are now not sure of the relationship), or that she has been expecting this all the while when she hides the wedding stuff from parents. If she is serious about this relationship, she will try to work things out. Otherwise, she will probably blame you like she has before. In that case, I dunno how you can continue if she doesn't want to work things out...it takes 2 parties in a marriage. But give her a chance, let her know the problem instead of throwing in the towel immediately.

hope this helps!
 
ariel -

my r/s with her dad is quite ok. over the past year we have been interacting more. her mum leh... i havent talk to her directly before at least not that i can remember of. nowadays when i go pick her, her mum would either hide in her room if no kitchen. so yea no chance to see even her face.

outta 4 yrs plus i havent sat down and had a single meal with them before.

"What do you want, really? Do you still love your GF and want to make things work and marry her?"
im starting to wonder is it becuz i have been trying to make it work all the while even thou hopes were diminishing...
 
hweebs-
well. she hides her solitaire when she's at home so, thats a rather obvious sign to me that she is unwilling to talk to her mum.

i have share with her upteem times about my feelings on why is she not willing to talk to her mum abt us and our plans. but i honestly havent got a satisfied answer from her. everytime we talk she will say dun ask me qns i cant answer. so im like wtf! trying very hard to not blow and apologise to her. later on i realised wth... wad m i apologising for?
 
thomas -

she has displayed little or no interest. honestly... i dunno issit fear for pareents or wad.

i feel abit over enthu liao! all the way from researching emailing hotels. to wedding packages and e bands. this couple of months i hold everything. totally dun wanna think and do anymore things.
 
Crossroads

I think you really need to sit down & talk to her openly... No point of just asking. Main things is to get the qns answered & things going. If not, U will still back to the confused state!
 
tell her direct what you told us: totally dun wanna think and do anymore things. Let's quit this. Then see how she react.
 
Dude,

how underground can u go with the marriage? i would assume the pple involved should be informed by now... i definitely wouldn't want to have a son-in-law all of a sudden... it's like WTF? so yeah she has to tell them But before she does... it's better u sort yourself out first.

i dun think she's the one for u in terms of your current state... maybe in a couple of years, it might be better... but for now, it'll be a roller-coaster.

i always wonder why pple get married... it's one of those things which u can never really pin-point, and the motivation behind the decision can be anything, some even foolish...

it's time u step up as a man, and make a decision for your Life.
 
i fear for wad i might do.

knowing myself well. there might not be room for nego once her answers arent up to my standard.

talk n talk same conclusion. = no conclusion.
 
and fear will leave you immobilized?
u want to take action and see what she says? We will be here to help
happy.gif


Don't live your life with no conclusions,it drags on and before you know it, whole life over.
 
Firstly, why the hell did you ask your childhood friend if there's any possibility of both of you getting together when you are going to get married? If she says no, then you will go ahead with the marriage or what? And please don't talk about platonic or not, the fact that you asked her shows that you view her as a potential gf.

If there are still doubts about the relationship, why propose and worry about all these so-called problems now? You know yourself.. Before you started the proposal, you already have those nitty gritty nagging thoughts. It just magnifies now that the date is nearing. Right? Itchy backside.
 
Actually, whether its platonic or not depends largely on the individuals involved. Come on, both are adults here. Nothing so wrong about any attraction that there might be.

I agree with Miyako, why on earth does TS want to ask his friend that question? Risking of throwing away the entire friendship over some itchy hand / mind?
 
ehhh...

we were damn close to that extent whereby we can be rather open.

at that time was a casual qn like. " eh.. we so gam hor. u think we will ever be together or not. den when together liao u think can make it or not? we both so siao"

smth liddat. nothing serious.

if i were to confess to her now. i also will fear losing the entire friendship all together. but chances are we are able to handle this, want den ok. dun want den nvm lor. we're still buddies. but still things like this can be awkard should things tur negative
 
Confused, your situation is almost like mine, at least you have not ROMed.

You should think things through and not avoid the problems. Because avoiding problems now will snowball it and it will come to a breaking point when you know things are not going to work out.
 
it's not really one or the other... i'd think the fren makes more a life-partner... whilst current gfren is prob someone u would marry on older requisites... our expectations and needs change as we age... when u're young u could be haveing crushes and wooing the hottest chick... when u're older u would like abit of character with that... then even older u realise that physical attributes are a bonus, what matters is personality most of all.
 
From what you described, you both have different value system and are not compatible. Communication is a key ingredient in a successful relationship (trust me, I've been married 18 years). If you cannot even communicate over such an important issue such as whether you have broached the subject of marriage to your parents/in-laws, it is only going to get worse after marriage. There will be issues of housework, finances, kids' upbringing, in-laws, sex etc.

I think you should reconsider the marriage and call it off if necessary. Better now than later.
 
Milo, it's not so much of risking the friendship but more of the fact that he can come up with this question? I don't go around asking my 'platonic' friends "Hey, do you think we are compatible?". He can claim that they are 'open' or whatsoever but only he knows what is his intention.

Dump her lah. Perhaps she can provide u companionship, however marriage is a no-no at this point of time.
 
i think ur gf is not ready to get married yet.

try to have a good talk with her. were u over-enthu and forced her into a corner, where she has no choice but to say yes to marrying u so soon?

when we're facing probs in rs it's very easy to fall for someone else or compare and think that the other person is better. h'ever, this is not a good idea lah. first, unfair to ur current SO. and second, unfair to ur gd gal friend, bcos she might become known as the third party.

since u're already confused, try to keep ur childhood friend out of this first. focus on talking things out with ur fiancee. better work things through now than regret later on.
 
knowing myself well. there might not be room for nego once her answers arent up to my standard.
talk n talk same conclusion. = no conclusion. = Is this dicussions or enforcing what you want to hear on your partner?
 
small update. had a talk over the weekends. she promise to settle before the flat selection date. and keep on emphasising not to worry as things will turn out right.

as for my part i have decided to stay good n not waver over the decision i made 6mths ago. thought alot over the week itself and decided not to do anything stupid as the one i have with me even though has its flaws is a rare breed. lol

also over the weekend the childhood friend has been asking me out from friday night to sunday noon. something in me just made me reject her saying im busy im tired maybe another day.kinda feel bad as she sounded very disappointed and as i asked her she said that if she say she's totally ok den she's lying. i will refrain from meeting her for now, till i know very very well again that no way me n her can be together.

thank u all for ur replies and concern. i have been reading since last week just that i was busy and maybe not in the mood to type.
thanks all!
 
Later u abandone your gf and go for the childhood friend, then you will think your gf is better and your childhood friend is bad.

This is just human nature, that's why human ALWAYS change job, change bf /gf. but in the END. it's himself that's the BAD one.
 
yea. that was in my consideration also. somehow or rather human would find that the grass always seems greener at the other side.

thus the feel of need to be determine
 
Hi Not-so-confused-anymore

All the best. Perhaps now it's time to work on building your relationship with her parents. Have you attempted doing any PR work lately? Mooncake festival is coming up...
 
well i say stick to your gf. love her as she is.

as for her mother? kick her to the curb you don't need her mother.

Ta Ma De got nothing to do with your happiness.
 
mother come as a package? damn what kind of package is that?

it's like when you want to buy the new IPHONE 4, u need to buy a OLD WATER BOTTLE MOTOROLLA PHONE first that is not working anymore, that's the package.

what you do then? u buy the package. throw the water bottle phone away ASAP.
and be nice to the IPHONE 4
 
jefferson - she is the only child no matter wad. i wouldnt want her to kick her mum outta our life. if that happens i prolly wouldnt wanna be with her anyways.

end of the day i marry only her but still... her mum will prolly be in our life for the next 10-20 years?? have to try and make friend right? hahah
 


he mum big size? bully? that will make your life miserable.

then if she sided with her mum, you will end up divorce. that is very true, true life story here.
 
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