Advice needed...

A

asparagus

New Member
I've been with my bf for 3yrs+ coming 4yrs soon. When we were first together, we had a very good sex life and it slowly died off til now I think its been 8 or 9 months since we ever had sex. The last time we tried he went "soft" in the middle of it and I wonder he had ED. I wanted to him to see a doctor but he refused and we quarrelled.

Approximately 2 weeks back, he was showing me an SMS on his phone and while reading the next SMS i scrolled to a SMS which showed he lied to me. He lied to me he was working late til 11+pm but he actually went to meet his friends (all guys) at 10+pm. In his SMS, he told his friend not to talk about last night as his gf (me) may be coming tonight.

I confronted him about it and we quarrelled and I ask him what other things he ever lied to me, he said none.

Yesterday evening, his hp rang while he was sleeping. I wanted to put his hp on silent mode and had this urge to check his phone which I did.
And I found that he had a number for chatlines, and about 7-8 MMS he saved of a girl boobs. The girl took the pics and MMS him and some of the msgs wrote "took this ytd, wanna send u but dun dare"...

I was shocked.. and I still am. The first picture to the last picture were in a time frame of 6months. He also had SMSes asking what the girl was wearing etc. I confronted him and ask him who was this girl, he was very sorry but still asked me why I checked his HP. I told him cos I didnt trust him. He told me this girl was from IRC many years back, and about 6 months back as he claims he started disturbing her and this girl sent him these lewd MMS.

The worse was when I was busy mugging for my exams just 3 weeks back, he kept on quarrelling with me and I still had to study whilst he was SMS-ing such things to that girl. He even asked the girl what time she was going out which she replied him in the morning. And in the morning, he sent me to my school for my exam... I asked him why when I initiated for sex, he said no, and yet does these things, he claims foreplay is too short but he is always the one who ends it.

I never expected him to treat me this way, he is seen as a good guy by my family and friends and everyone tells me to cherish him cos he dotes on me alot. He broke down in front of me many times ytd (3rd time I've ever seen him cry) saying sorry and he will delete all this as he's in the wrong. I inisted him to change HP number and he agreed but today I found out the girl is also in his friendster and I dunno where else.

He keeps on telling me he's in the wrong and he insists he has never met the girl nor spoken to her before nor have sex with her or anyone else (but I dunno if I should believe). I really dunno what to do now, I cant tell my family and friends but I dun want to end this relationship.
He claims that he wants to continue on this relationship but I dun feel assured.. We are in the midst of planning the ROM. I feel really heartbroken that I've been crying since yesterday....
 


Asparagus...I'm so sad to see this thread...

However, I feel that you might not want to jump into conclusions...
If he is really repentent and is willing to change his hp number, not to contact that girl again...i think it will be better if u observe him for quite sometime and be reassured that he will not do such things again...
And provided that u are able to forgive him for wad he has done...

I understand how u feel...maybe u will want to ask yourself some questions...u have been with him for so many years...and i assume that before this incident happenned u were quite happy with him and he is a v nice bf? People makes mistake...and this might just a mistake that he have made out of folly...
U know him the best to determine his character and if he have done anything wrong behind u...

Another thing is...maybe u have been neglecting him due to studies? Thus, he have to look for other sorts of "entertainment"? Or someone else to talk to? I think it is time to have a heart-to-heart talk with each other?
 
Thanks snowtear..

I dun really know if he is repentant but he seems so and SMSed me that he knows he broke my trust but wants to build this relationship back again though he knows it won't be easy.

I dunno if I'm able to forgive him as its a very fresh and deep wound, but I know if I want to continue the relationship, I must forgive him cos everyone makes mistakes.

He says he did it becos he was curious which I scolded him and say he's not a young NS boy to be curious about such things. He finally admitted to me he has a fetish for boobs (that girl in the MMS was a D cup!)

Based on our years together, he seems truthful and caring enough. He never goes MIA or fails to forget important dates like anniversaries, birthdays etc. I was all along very happy with him and many of my friends envyed our relationship as he will spend most of his free time with me and buy me little gifts when he goes overseas for work.

I'm not sure if I've been neglecting him due to studies but I do know my temper has been really bad and I speak quite sarcastically to him whenever I'm unhappy which he says was part of the cause also..

He has also requested for us to sit down properly and is waiting for me to calm down. I think i really should focus on what will happen after this since what's done cannot be undone.
 
prob he is having some sexual fantasize....cannot blame guys if they got such "hobbies"..since he is repentant, u should forgive and forget. But definitely u got to give urself some time to think it thru before u guys decide to get married...
 
U're welcome Asparagus...

I think he might be really sincere and repentent...since he initiated for the two of u to have a good talk after you have calm down...
Try to talk to each other nicely and peacefully and i also hope the matter can be resolved. ^.^

My personal opinion...if he is really repentent...and really want to put in effort to build the relationship once again...you can give him a chance to prove himself...in this case, u can also observe him and give him verdict at a later date. I think that it is better for a man to make mistake and repent early than to make the mistake after ROM/marriage...do u not agree with me? ^.^
 
Hi Kessie,

I know what u mean but all along he potrayed to me he is a very conservative and traditional guy. Even when I suggest some ideas to spice up he say no..

Yes I know I need time to re-judge him again..
 
Snowtear..

I really hope so to, time will tell I guess and I'll need to control myself instead of brooding on what already happened..

Its true, I agree with you at least the mistake was made early instead of already ROM and I guess I will feel much worse..
 
Put off your ROM for now. Don't jump into something stupid. If things are going to work out, then there's no harm waiting a year even. Don't be dumb pls and give in to societal/family pressure because they don't know what he's done.

Better than you coming back in one year's time crying about how your marriage is lost because you found out your hubby is cheating on you, and you've already ROMed, and now want to hire a PI, etc yada yada we've heard the same sad story too many times, I think.

Don't be stupid! If he really does change there is no harm waiting awhile to sign that ROM document.
 
Take some time off without him. Take a short break. A month or more even. Don't contact him, just spend time on your own and reflect about what you really want and if he's really the guy you want to marry, or if you're just marrying him cuz you've been together so long already and you're afraid to be single now.

Honestly. Better to be single now than unhappy, divorced and...single, later.
 
Yes Asparagus, give u both sometime before jumping into ROM...make sure that u are 100% sure and confident that he is the one u want to spend your life with...

^.^
 
Asparagus,
I can fully understand the level of shock and horror when you came across things that were least expected.

Throughout a few of my relationships, I discovered certain things about my partners like what you did. It is indeed difficult to come to terms with it, but I concluded that some men do get kick from fantasizing/challenging the reality. There is no right or wrong in such cases becaused each of us is entitled to the privilege of having our own views. However, I see that there is a need to let your partner know that you are hurt by such actions and if it is repeated, it will result in consequences that he may not desire. Once the bottom line is set, it is up to him to decide what he wants out of the relationship.
 
Hi Vane,

Yes I was utterly shocked but when we actually spoked, he said I had a very bad temper and was sarcastic with my words (I admit I'm wrong here) which left him unable to tell me certain things he wanted, and his temptations got the better of him.

But I did told him even if thats the case, its still wrong but he says he knows he wrong and even kneeled down to beg me to forgive him whilst crying.

He knows I'm hurt and have been trying very hard to do anything I want and he assures that he does want to continue on this relationship.

I guess I need time to heal...
 
Asparagus,
Since he had asked for your forgiveness and you also decided to give him another chance, follow your heart and see if things work out.

Meanwhile, at times when negative thoughts and emotions are getting the better of you, take time to cool down and focus on other things. Try and do this, so that you will not doubt him and let the past experiences haunt you.

Hopefully, everything will work out well. Take good care of yourself. =)
 
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