Advice?! An affair...

Ting Yi, our relationship is not what you think it is, sweet promises, words... we talk about our kids, we talk about work, just about anything under the sun. I find solace in him. Since we both have family n work, we dun meet all the time. Once or twice a month.. sometimes not even in a month if he travels for wrk. We've been together fr a year now, eventually, all things will come to an end, i know.

I've been down the deepest shithole, there can be no shittier hole for me.

For all you who have worked hard and have a happy marriage and family, I am fervently happy for you.
 


ediie,

the thought of "you love someone greatly you will not do anything to hurt him or her right?" is basically something that pple agree to based on the way it sounds, being right and all...

but these thoughts and action have not been fully explored, to make it concrete. the level of Understand is on skin-deep.

u often hear pple citing that they cannot bear to hurt this person, that person... Half the time - it is becos of their conscience and guilt, NOT becos of Love. that's bull... it comes from the oft-used chinese phrase èˆä¸å¾—， which u hear alot on those love dramas. the direct translation on tv is "cannot bear..." as u hear the actors say "i cannot bear to..."

it is a Very fashionable statement pple use to display love... but in reality, the motivation is often something else.
 
what is the point of having a moment of excitement? somemore its ur ex lover. it only proves that u can't get over the past . i dun believe in getting back once seperated after all.
 
it's sad that pple wanna try to measure love... "how much", "how deep"... and measure it via actions and gifts or sacrifices.

it smacks of insecurity and the need to justify oneself... to prove oneself. to prove your love, the show your love, to make acts of sacrifices...

it's pretty surface stuff.

weddings get more elaborate, proposals get more elaborate, gifts and stuff... there's this invisible need to do more, show more.

i prefer the silent lovers... the sincere true ones. like those of our mums who quietly go abt their day making sure u come back to a Home. whose sacrifice u DUN SEE, whose acts of love u DUN HEAR ABT.

no need to publicise, advertise not let the whole world know.
 
True, but nowadays, people often like what they can see. The receiving of gifts and sweet-talks. Women sense the love from another person based on these while the husband is one who works and toils day and night for the family, for their future but the women can't see the love.
Of course these apply to some and may not apply to all.
 
It takes a lot to be able to appreciate the "silent type of love"..

Mostly, we don't appreciate what we have. only lament what we don't have.

If you appreciate more of what you have - you probably will be happier.
 
i can definitely appreciate that... both my mum and wife are such types... i like the fact that they dun have to talk up the things they do, and i dun have to have a guilt trip abt it.

i'm also the silent type. of cos for a guy, i think girls can hardly appreciate it... quite rare to find girls who can appreciate... think i only know One girl who can... but sometimes WHEN u need to tell pple what u did for them... it loses any flavour. i think it's the same reason why some charity-doers want to remain anonymous.
 
Two wrongs don't make a right.

Having an abusive or useless, good-for-nothing husband isn't an excuse for a free hall pass to cavort with other men, much less married ones.

If you have problems in your marriage, you right the wrong - you either love OR leave.

Do you think kids are so sheltered that they'll not sense a thing? They're a lot smarter than we give them credit for. I had a schoolmate whose mother had an affair. By the time he told me, it had been sometime after the affair was discovered. I asked him how he felt. He told me:

"I love my mother, but I <u>do not</u> respect her."

A parent can never expect their child to learn the right things from them if they themselves cannot or will not act to differentiate that. The day comes when your children grow up, do not expect them to listen or take into consideration your opinions. Because you have proven to them that you cannot be respected as an adult based on the choices that you've made, no matter how much they love you.
 
True happiness will come from your everyday life.. not moments of joys that may evaporate anytime

Sm, hw absolute true is that!~ The world do not only revolve ard the spouse for happiness.

Marriage is not a bed of roses and like parenting, it is a lifelong learning process for both parties.
Can I give up my children just because they gave me hell?

Happiness can be like having bfast/outings, spending quality time with parents/siblings/children, even a trip to the market, chilling out in a nice cosy place with long time frds, relatives gathering, workout etc. It's entirely your call to define what's happiness meant to you.

Even like now, staying in a ulu village, I started to learn to appreciate to spend 24/7 time with my ger, enjoying her accompany and yeah your method works. We switched off the tv and it helps! She's spending 2hrs+ on her own to read n to learn
happy.gif
.
Today she just finished 4 pages of math assessment on her own, not too bad for a 4yo.
Hopefully I can gradually improve on my parenting skills.

While all these come as bliss happiness to me, others might not. There are a few families who dreaded being here till that they suffered from mild depression.

It is just a matter of making choices.
 
<font size="-2">\i(our relationship is not what you think it is, sweet promises, words... we talk about our kids, we talk about work, just about anything under the sun. I find solace in him. Since we both have family n work, we dun meet all the time. Once or twice a month.. sometimes not even in a month if he travels for wrk.</font>}

Ee Poh, I m actually referring to words of concern, care and a false sense of belongings to coax u into become his fb.

Are u really as nonchalant and cool as what u sound and wont mind the possibility of the following?

Being treated as 1 of the quickie while it's a one sided love of u?

Being just 1 of his many partners excluding those in business trips?

STD diseases and pregnancy

Basking in the sheer few hours of "happiness" while leaving you the empty feel and hankering n anticipating his call for the next few weeks/months?

The insecure feel of being ditched any moment.

Getting confronted by his wife and shamed @ the workplace/doorstep for sleeping with her hb (okie, I admit that I watch too much drama but then nothing is impossible.)

Lastly, pay the hefty price tag and to bear the entire consequence by u and only yourself, losing the respect of your children when you are being discovered? U think your lover will still be there for you?
 
ting yi, we dun sweet talk each other. We have conversations like those you have with a good old friend. He never coaxed me into anything, it just happened over time.

I am not cool nor nonchalant, I have my own struggles.

I know him 10 over years back, what kind of person he is then and now, I know.

Pregnancy is impossible for me. STD... so far no, we both checked.

The "happiness" is not sexual. I am not a teenager infatuated, I dont wait for his calls etc etc.

Insecured? I dont even know what security is anymore.

As for his wife, yes I do feel very sorry for her. Truly. Even before we started.

Like I said , i dont justify my actions, i dont condone and I do KNOW the risk and consequences of my actions.
 
ting yi,

You must be joking.. thinking about respect of children while screwing around. Most adults will think that their affairs is none of their children's business. And won't consider that aspect. They will "hope" that the children will understand "one day".

ee poh, it is alright for you to choose your life and knowing the consequences of your actions. But don't give excuses that you can't help it. It is a decision made by you and you can definitely help it. But you refuse to because it is "happiness" for you now - you won't care much about the consequences later.
 
According to her, it is like her marriage is already not going well. But she can't break free although she wish to. so she did this.
 
Actually I feel Ee Poh is not alone in this.. herself.. like many other women out there are either trying to get out of a marriage gone sour or simply wanting a new lease of life. Having an affair can be addicting and definitely add variety to counter the mundane day to day activities. But I must warn you that most of the time, affairs dont have a happy ending. It will be if both parties truly love each other and are willing to make huge sacrifices to be together. Just my 2 cents.
Wish you well.
 
Tat is absolutely true and to ne in a lousy short term r/s, I rather not to be in any, juz a waste of time while friendship is a safer bet.
 
short-term relationship is not necessarily "lousy". It is the lousy people that make the relationship "lousy".

I have a couple of very sweet short relationships. In fact it is sweetest because you don't allow time to "spoil" everything.

For me, I rather:

ä¸åœ¨ä¹Žå¤©é•¿åœ°ä¹… åªåœ¨ä¹Žæ›¾ç»æ‹¥æœ‰
 
Sometimes diversion of an extramarital affair can keep you sane for a while in a "crazy" marriage. For example, you can forget that you are married to a scumbag when in the arms of your lover. But it doesn't alter the fact that you are married to a scumbag in real life and that you will need to untie the knot yourself in due time.
 
ting yi,

In a way, your other half is a reflection of you. If he is lousy, it is reflected onto you. Otherwise, how would you choose a "lousy" partner?

Not to take it as a rule but just as a point of reflection.

We deserve the partner that we choose. So choose wisely. If you choose an ass-hole, you are partly responsible as well - don't just blame the ass-hole.

With reference to what doll has written: "One who makes you feel miserable and tortured". It applies as well. Well, you can choose not to be miserable and tortured - that is, not to be with someone who makes you miserable and tortured.
 
It's very simple for me. If I cannot feel happy being together with a guy, I will choose to leave. If I am not happy myself I cannot provide happiness to him, whic is a lose-lose situation.
 
Our significant other is a mirror of ourselves because it reflects our choice and even taste hahaha.

When my marriage broke down, I didn't just blame the ex-husband for I believed my choice was flawed and I was too blindly in love. Even when I found out about his dark secrets and lies one year after we got married I stayed on for another five years hoping I could change him. Very naive of me.
 
However doll, u r brave to walk out of the marriage n seek for ur own happiness..

IMO, u r a independent woman who noe wat u wan n works toward it.
 
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