Would you stay in this weird marriage?


i would like to share a story of a colleague's weird marriage life. (Well, i personally thought its rather peculiar, not sure if its a common scenario among married couples )

Recently a married female colleague joined my male-dominated company and we quickly become good friends as there are not many females around. We regularly went shopping, manicures, spas and short shopping trips to malaysia. One day i got curious and asked her " Hey R...dont you have to accompany your husband? How come you can go anywhere so freely and as and when you like, like a single lady?" I have quite a number of friends but when they got married their life was centered on kids-husband-kids-husband. Hence, when i got to know R i was intrigued. She is married but acts like a single. Here is her story

She and her husband were uni sweet hearts. They dated for many many years before settling down. Went through the normal singapore way. Ring-proposal-BTO-swanky hotel wedding dinner. Before the marriage she was deeply deeply in love with him. And he to her as well. (Well, i probed about the sex part and yes, its normal...like any couple.) The house was ready....they moved in... do the decorating blah blah blah. Sex, again was normal. However, she said somehow she felt he wasnt into it as intense as before the marriage. She dismissed it as probably work stress. The bombshell came a year later.

She discovered naked pics of a woman and lewd messages in his handphone . She confronted him and he admitted an affair. In her own words she said to me "My world become a blur, I felt a part of me died....." She was depressed and suicidal for a few months until her close friends supported and console her. A year later she was completely healed mentally but the part which she said had died never revived. The part that died was her ability to love someone else again.

She asked for a divorce. But apparently her husband refused and did many things for her in order to revive the marriage. She said she was very touched at his efforts but some things can never be revived again. A part of her did not want to divorce--- She couldnt place her finger why either. But she is sure its not because of love for him. In recent years they started to sleep separately (even though if they sleep together there is no sex anymore). He does not restrict her movements and vice versa. Yet, they watch shows together, laugh and eat together. She said if he were to have affairs outside she would not mind anymore cos she understands men have their needs. Her husband cooks, do the housework, pays for every bill....He remains caring, considerate till today... and she have all the freedom to do whatever she wants.

It seems like her husband has become a doting brother....
Initially i felt very sad for her that her marriage has been reduced to such a state. However the more i get to know her the more i realised...that she is one of the most happiest person i have ever known.

I read somewhere before " A person with no emotional baggage... is one happy person" I wonder... if its the case with my friend.

So, i'm curious... would you (esp to all the ladies here) stay in this kind of arrangement?


nothing wrong with her story.

your friend is enlightened.

everyone wakes up from the matrix some day.

we all go into a marriage with fairy tales in our head.

all the unrealistic expectations, are indoctrinated for someone else's selfish motives.

your friend is living what should have been because she now embraced the reality of life.

as long as she happy. . just let her be.


add: in his quest to earn forgiveness, her husband has become a much better partner than had he not been caught.

serendipitous is it not ?


what she has lost is "blind trust".
like our appendix, it served its purpose being part of a whole package.

but when diseased, needs to be surgically removed..in exchange for a permanent scar.

she certainly will miss what she once enjoyed..but will never apply blind trust again.


New Member
Sad to hear of this but the truth is....being humans, once the damage is done, even if the other partner takes efforts to repair the damage, the scar of the wound will always remain....
we can forgive...but to forget...many times...it is easier said than done...
Many people I know stayed on in their marriages for the sake of the children....and when the kids are grown, they may take the next step of divorcing their spouse...which is becoming more common nowadays....


New Member
There is no right or wrong in this arrangement.
It all depends on what "R" wants.
Maybe it's easier to tell other people that she is still married than to explain to the whole tons of people if she choose to divorce....
Afterall it's R's marraige, we should just stay out and more importantly R is happy with the whole arrangement...


New Member
i guess not every marriage remains full of bliss for lifetime.
For some couples, at some stage in life, it becomes more like companionship or commitment....
There's no way a woman can heal perfectly after being deceived by her husband and you are right to say that a part of her has died. Probably after the affair she has come to terms with her loss of trust for him and her marriage and decided to view things in a different perspective.

Companionship and freedom. At least when she needs help, she's not alone.
She lowered her expectation and gained happiness.

Vivian Esteban

New Member
If anyone is ditched by anyone then the person who is ditched cannot trust that person once again even how much efforts is put by the guilty one,At that time everything should be left on time.