Would you accept your husband being a "buddy" to a female colleague?

[miloice]

Watching, I did mention in some threads that I have a very difficult mother. Its not a big surprise for me at all. First impression lasts.

She was always waiting for me and our relationship to be good enough for her. She struggled with that all the time. My patience and energy ran dry. Tears and disappointments eventually turned to fear of disappointing her when my pamperings were nothing more than tasks I needed to do because I couldn't bear to disappoint her once again. And yet, she is always disappointed and I'm never good enough.

 

[miloice]

"If she's an extrovert, she should be able to stand up for herself...no need someone to protect her. She'd command more respect if she's able to shut off others and put them in their place, all on her own."

Watching, she has a very complex and contradictory personality where her feminine and masculine sides often conflict. She basically doesn't know what she wants despite her very strong and prideful views that she is confident. She has a strong need to be well liked by others. She takes pride in being the good friend and supportive adviser and wise one to help her friends through their burdens but often brings these burdens with her till she cannot cope. And her feminine then hope for supportive guy to understand and ease her burdens off her.

I don't blame her for who she is. It just took me a while to understand her enough to realize I'm not the guy for her. She is who she is today because of her unique history, upbringing, experiences and personality. I just don't appreciate and enjoy doing all these that is always expected of me. She didn't even realize her expectations. She resents me for setting her expectations high only to be disappointed every time.

And yes, she really take alot of pride in shutting off other people. To me, its plain childish and lack EQ completely. Its only a lunch session. Stupid to burn bridges to make it a political game. Very very dumb thing to do. The only message she is sending is : Don't mess with me. I don't take jokes.
Ironically, its directly conflicting with her need to be well liked.

 

[watching]

Milo,
Now that you mentioned feminine and masculine sides clashing, I recognise those traits in people too. One moment they are appealing to their helpless mode, the next they are lions roaring. I feel repulsed by contradicting behavioural patterns. It´s as if they are making use of the role that suits them best at certain times.

 

[miloice]

We should be honest with ourselves to understand what we really want and need. E.g. in your initial problem with your bf. It was not your logical part but the feminine part that is at play. But, you had attempt to use the logical part to overcome it. It doesn't work well this way. The needs are not addressed and both will be left frustrated.

I believe most of us do not intentionally make use of them. We just put on different hats and naturally have a differing pov. Just that it might not be the most appropriate after we reflect upon them.

When I pointed all these issues to her when we break up, she felt so unjust and wronged. That, I was somehow spot on about her issues and yet being unfair to her. I left it as such... Yes, it was cruel but I only meant well. For sure, there were some anger but main intention was for her to finally understand all the struggles she is putting me through all these yrs. It could probably help her reflect over them.

 

[watching]

Milo,
I am guilty of switching between my feminine and logical mode subconsciously. Actually when I wrote about someone who appeals to his or her helpless mode and roars at another moment, I was thinking of someone particular. How he or she could use it as a shield and weapon simultaneously. How it could go on until ties are more or less severed.

 

[miloice]

actually, we all are guilty of it sometimes.

We might see the other party as being selfish, manipulative. But, mostly, the person, him/herself doesn't see the double standards. Its perfect sense in their context and reasoning. Not too many people can really go through without first being about to accept it internally. They probably already have the most twisted and illogical logic to convince themselves about it.

We see alot of such double standards with the reason, u r not in my shoes to understand what I'm going through. The super abused reason to convince themselves that what they are doing is perfectly reasonable and out of circumstances rather than their responsibility.

 

[watching]

Milo,
Good enlightment. Talk to you some other time. Nighty night.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Milo, your previous relationship sounded complicated whereby you guys were colleagues, lunch kakis, and lovers!

 

[miloice]

To me, it wasn't complicated at all. The complication is all within the mind.

 

[sgbabydoll]

But you can't deny that to her it was obviously too complicated to handle. Otherwise, she wouldn't have wanted it remain underground.

 

[miloice]

Yes, that's why I said its the complications are self imposed. Its very tiring to reassure and rationalize things for her. She just stick back to her deep rooted values and thoughts. Reading deeply and negatively over slightest things said and done.

I really tried everything to make her happier. To free her mind and let go. But, she doesn't want to let go.

 

[sgbabydoll]

I half agree with you on the part about "self-imposed". It's only self-imposed if you accept the love from a colleague and yet do not learn to deal with such a love affair.

Seems like you had discovered much incompatibility after being with her. So, what attracted you to her in the first place then?

 

[miloice]

Doll, the irony is... the very things that seem uniquely attractive were actually the source of the many conflicts we had to deal with. The complicated personality took yrs to understand.

The problems is never about us being colleagues. Its how she would fear the percussions that never really happened. It was open secret. Everyone in the group knew.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Milo, the fact that everyone knew you two were in a relationship and yet she still couldn't be open about the relationship showed she couldn't handle love relationship with a colleague.

I have a feeling that she is complicated but not to the extreme. Perhaps you are simple and straightforward and in contrast, she is very complicated. Anyway, you guys aren't compatible. I hope she's found her own version of happiness

Sometimes what attracts us to the person becomes the source of conflicts later. Happened to me too but fortunately that relationship only lasted six months. At least we didn't waste too much time to work on a relationship that was never meant to work out.

 

[miloice]

I wouldn't call it simple. Its more clear minded on our priorities and not letting minor things overwhelm and burden us till the focus is lost. I'm not blind to the possible and real issues in life. To me, its the difference between someone that work smart and another that just try to handle everything regardless if it matters to them. Is that being simple? Straight forward, yes... Its really self imposed misery to dwell on things that doesn't change the outcome actually. The single most important factor that impact the outcome is the person themselves. Do they lose their direction and objective. Do they lose value and meaning dwelling in negatives that creates nothing but more negatives. We notice the details in life to appreciate the goodness and values. i.e. to enjoy the process and walk itself. Not to bring ourselves down into misery over things we already know and then dramatize it numerous times in the mind till it consumes us. Its a total lost cause.

I also hope her happiness and finally let go. I cannot see how someone can be happy holding on to grudge and every single minor things in her life. Its a miserable life.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Simple = unaffected in the context of my last post, not simplistic.

While she dwelled on things you had also tried to change or guide her out for three years. But Milo, sometimes the smartest thing to do is to walk away in such a relationship.

 

[miloice]

Doll, yes. Took me 3 yrs to learn the lesson.

I remember this incident during a family party at her place, I was there mingling with her family and her dad was very friendly with me. They were playing mahjong and he offered for me to join. And also offered me some beer. After we left, she was upset and questioned why I was so close to her family as if I knew them so well. And that she is protective to her family and not let anyone to just befriend them. My friendiness was accused to be hypocrisy.

Early in our relationship, she commented how touched and impressed she was with me being a gentleman. No one she knew was just like me... geniuely taking care of the ladies but yet respectful, simple gestures like sending them back, opening doors etc. And she is the same person that scolded me for helping her with her can drink because it makes her feel like a handicap. For numerous times, she accused me of being a snore because of my natural behavior and upbringing for my sch and NUS. And that NTU grads don't behave as yaya as NUS grads like me.

Frankly, she is quite extreme to me.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Milo, she did sound strange as a person and you are super patient to tahan for three years.

Now that we are in our mid or late 30s, three years is a long time to be unhappy.

 

[watching]

Milo,
Any idea about her whereabouts and wether she's got a S.O.? And her love life details?

 

[miloice]

no... as mentioned, I believe she is happier without me contacting her. I have no intention to teach her any lessons in life or rub salt in her wounds. I just hope she can find happiness with someone special. She sent me a friend invite some yrs back when fb is still pretty new. I did accept it but then was thinking if it was even a good idea.

After some months without even a single msg between us, I removed the friend link. No point keeping her updated of my status if it would to upset her or anything. Memories of how she accused me of boasting or being insensitive with her. Its too costly a friend to keep frankly. I don't want to offend her anymore in anyway. Best not to maintain unnecessary contacts.

 

[watching]

Milo,
Fair enough. Not uncommon to see people cutting off total contact when they become exes.

I don't suppose your mutual friends/contacts (if any) mention anything about her. Are you not the slightly curious about her present life? I would be if I shared 3 years of my life with someone.

 

[miloice]

Curious yes. I do wonder sometimes and if she is happily married, I will geniuely be happy for her.

But given her character, I know my probe could potentially get to her and it could dig out bad emotions for her. Why would I be as ass still? I was already the villian once for leaving with a difficult and harsh email. It took me several sleepless nights to word it. And eventually, I sent it out. There was just peace within.

Her responses actually hurt me still. She mentioned that one of the main stumbling block in our relationship was my mum... She just cannot bring herself to accept her. It was a very valuable feedback. It helped me tremendously in my preparation of my wife to my mum. Without that 3 yrs, I would still be a sincere chap with my wife. But, I would be making those mistakes in this relationship and potentially ruin it.

I never regretted taking this long to learn the lessons. I learnt them well and I really cherish the memories I had. We actually did meet up once before I left the company. She had requested for a one-to-one private farewell lunch. And I thanked her for everything. Some yrs later when she too left the company, she dropped an email to inform me as well. I wished her the best. And that's about all we communicated about since the break up.

 

[watching]

Milo,

What's the issue between your mother and her? Many conflicting moments between your wife and your mother too? For many DILs the mother of the guy is usually a stumbling block, it has been on-going since the start of time. I wonder if MIL and DIL issues are usually more happening amongst Asians (Orientals) compared to their Caucasian counterparts.

You've got a clean break-up, difficult but clean nevertheless. No strings attached.