Would you accept your husband being a "buddy" to a female colleague?

[vios]

some of you bery funni leh.... talk to him, talk to him, talk to him...

and i wonder how many more times should they talk when they just had a 'final talk'? i absolutely have no doubts that it would further lead to being irritating than achieving anything positive out of it....

unless, i am wrong to believe that the 'final talk' was dealt in an amicable manner - with better understanding for each other?

 

[glamour83]

Matka, my husband has indeed been pretty upfront with me. He told me all these about the girl, abt the affair, her background etc. He also said he has no qualms showing me the smses if i want to. so this is consoling.

Only thing i just cannot get answers to the loop holes like why he is willing to defend her on the police case, and why he was willing to pay for overseas rates just to reply to her casual smses. He doesnt have the answers himself.

 

[miloice]

"it is always mentioned that many extra marital affairs start with emotional affair"

Have to be careful with the application of this. The message is really for couples to understand and guard this so that they do not contribute to the push and pull factors. It is not intended as a justification to control with the 'just in case' kiasi mentality. That would in fact contribute to the push factors while trying to prevent the pull.

 

[vios]

jefferson,

so what the hb knows that his wife has been voicing out her concerns in this forum? it's another avenue to get different perspectives - nothing got to do with their couple trust - and there are no pictures like in facebook...

so what's there to feel sore or pissed, in any case? i dont' get it.

 

[miloice]

glamour, there is one thing u might not understand about men. The instinct to care for the weak and hopeless. Especially for a gal. Its really pretty instinctive. If you ask him, he cannot really give you a satisfactory answer on that.

Its a bit of the big brother and hero syndrome to response to the damsel in distress. As long as the both of your remain honest and frank with your emotions, I think you guys will do fine. Give your husband more credit. He is not sneaky and trying something behind you.

And, what is his character like? Is he the kind of person that would go the extra mile to help a friend and not expect appreciation? It could be pretty much his personality. That, no one else but you should know.

 

[matka]

Glamour, sometimes we instinctively do things without thinking. Perhaps he does value this friendship, and maybe he feels a certain need to 'help' her because - unlike his other friends who are more independently able to fend for themselves - she is more needy.

Speaking for myself, I would too try to be there for my friends... and I would be more responsive to those who 'need' it more. I guess that's natural. I would have no qualms about sms-ing my troubled friend from overseas. In my case though, my female friends tend to have more ahem, problems, than my male friends.

As for defending her - so to speak, I would think that it's more of a favour he's doing her. Although it's not the wisest thing to do. He's probably not thinking ahead about what could happen, and agreed on it out of friendly loyalty.

Try not to push for answers because sometimes there are no real answers except for not thinking it through. To me, he's probably just trying to be helpful.

 

[susanna_low]

and also due to his professionalism, he might be more caring in nature.

 

[glamour83]

Communication is crucial, and I had spoken to my husband. Every night since last weekend in fact. But i can sense that he is getting a little fustrated with all the assuring and i think i shd stop before everything backfires. He also asked me to give him specifics as to what he should do. I told him i will not give him anything specific as i dont believe in restriciting a person's social life like that. I would rather he thinks for himself what should or should not be done and must come from his own heart, not what i want him to do.

He claimed every sms was initiated by the girl, and yet he kept replying to her. He said it would be rude not to. But he has started to keep his work hp in his car after work every night so that he wldnt be contactable until morning. that's a good start. but what happens after he turns on his hp in the morning i cannot be sure anymore.

 

[miloice]

matka, guy friends also got prob but they normally do not resort to calling friend for help.

 

[miloice]

Glamour, no need to do anything more really. You will have your mood swings. Just ask him to be more understanding to your emotional ups and downs. Be around to be supportive and sensitive to let you get over it.

No need to really suppress yourself. Its normal in any relationship to have ups and downs. And during stressful periods, the more you guys deal with them together, the more confident you get. Don't hide and leave things to guesses. That's where all the insecurity and misunderstanding will grow. Till a point u can bear no more and frustrate the relationship even more.

Remember, your spouse is not against you. He is your partner and trying to be as accommodating as he can. Appreciate that.

 

[matka]

Glamour, I'd get frustrated too if I keep having to repeat myself.

Milo, yes, that's a likely reason why I don't have to deal with problems of my male friends. And nowadays my hb and I share a number of mutual friends. So should the day come that the guys have any problems (unlikely), I'll direct them to him. Anyway some of my female friends have my hb's no too and they approach him directly sometimes.

 

[vios]

glamour,

who says commuication is not crucial? i'm just discouraging from reinventing it to an interrogation of sorts.... it gets increasingly irritating on following nights, don't you think so?

it's good that he has been upfront and helping with your insecurities; just don't turn him into a person who doesn't want to do that any longer...

 

[powder]

glamour,

seems like u only wanna hear the right things leh... let me show u some contradiction, pls take this Constructively...

u said "2. i'm here to seek advice/opinion from forummers who may have some experience to offer, i hope I can see this issue in another light or angle."

and then u said "Thanks Faith and May, i find your opinion particularly in line with mine."

- why seek for Another light when it is Your light that u much prefer? (your subconscious betrays your words)



"Only thing i just cannot get answers to the loop holes like why he is willing to defend her on the police case, and why he was willing to pay for overseas rates just to reply to her casual smses. He doesnt have the answers himself."

- he is a doctor. even tho i am not a doctor, i dun even think for a second, in replying sms, be it from london or new york... About the costs involved. 5cents? 10cents? i'm not sure abt u, but when frens sms, i find it Very Unnatural for me to think of the cost Before replying... particularly if i am neither poor nor a student.

why he defend, well honestly i wonder how inclined u are, to get your fren into trouble with the law, for an action like committing suicide. for drugs and other stuff, i understand... but for suicide, perhaps u'd have your own recommendations on counselling, being in the medical field... u have resources other than police intervention.

"I told him i will not give him anything specific as i dont believe in restriciting a person's social life like that. I would rather he thinks for himself what should or should not be done and must come from his own heart, not what i want him to do."

- u say all these in words. the words are neither genuine, nor are they really meant. end of the day u want him to do what U Want from his heart.

"He claimed every sms was initiated by the girl, and yet he kept replying to her. He said it would be rude not to. But he has started to keep his work hp in his car after work every night so that he wldnt be contactable until morning. that's a good start. but what happens after he turns on his hp in the morning i cannot be sure anymore."

- this is precisely the work of your mind which u Need to address, Not him.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"work on urself and not them... make him see u in a different light... not the usual whiny crybabies some women r capable of becoming."

This is a very good piece of advice!!!

 

[glamour83]

Hi Powder, that was well said, and thanks for reminding me i also need to work on my mind.

i take everyone's opinion equally, but i just find faith and may's particularly useful to me, that's all.

regarding the sms, perhaps i missed out some info. First of all, we travel alot, and we have the common understanding that sending overseas smses are although affordable by us, but more costly than usual and hence we don't see the need in doing so un-necessarily. in another words, maybe just "ngiow" haha.

the sms content (between him and the girl) when we were in msia was very platonic, just some jokes so nothing important at all. A few hours after we were in msia, he was expecting another guy friend to be there as well and when i casually asked him to just sms his friend to see if he was still gg, he hesitated and said, "50 cents per sms leh, just wait and see la."

so i can see there is a difference. a girl's instinct.

other than these, yes my mind runs wild sometimes.

 

[powder]

just watch your mind abit there... i know wat it's like the let the mind run wild, whether as 1st party or 3rd party... mine was abit tougher cos gfren at that time went on a yacht with ex-bfren... so my mind also went crazy, but ok lah, i give myself 2hrs and then that's it... i dun like to waste time thinking things which i cannot control...

on sms, it's one of those things... i would prob say same as your hubby when i need to send out sms, but not replying... even tho it's the same thing. normally i have the preference to call than sms... but it might be lost in the dynamics.

 

[flyingstar]

glamour, you don't think so much. at least he is leaving his work hp in the car now. what happens in the morning, or at work, is totally beyond your control.

the more you think the more you will get insecure and it never ends. seriously, no amount of reassurance will help.

and the thing is, when he asks you what he should do, you should just state what you really want him to do. it's not like you are restricting him, but you are helping him to help you be less insecure over the whole issue.

he can't possibly read what's going on in your mind so it's either you state what you want, or else you accept that he will do what he thinks is necessary. but usually what he thinks is necessary may not align with what you really want. so the insecurity issue starts again.

 

[powder]

Ya! - "so it's either you state what you want, or else you accept that he will do what he thinks is necessary. but usually what he thinks is necessary may not align with what you really want. so the insecurity issue starts again."

 

[glamour83]

ok. flying star and powder, i assume u both are guys? guys like specifics, like my husband. so should i tell him:

1. i dont want you both to keep smsing each other so much (define so much? more than 10 smses? or 8?)

2. "i dont want you to be her emotional pillar of support in the long term." he may be smart academically, but he wldnt know what it means.


problem is, it is very difficult to state exactly what i want him to do, because the line is so grey. if i say i don't want you both to keep smsing each other every day. it may be impossible for him cos they are working together. even if he might say, ok i will. they can still spend hours chatting in the hospital or maybe go to email/facebook instead.

at the end of the day, he needs to judge for himself. like he suggested keeping his hp in the car at night. i think this idea is great. so he doesn't have to know of any smses that are not that important anyway, and hopefully by not getting replies, the girl will stop smsing.

 

[powder]

ya i'm a guy... this one hard to really know the threshold for each individual and what makes u uncomfortable... but i'll go with...

1. i'm sorry for feeling this way but i'm not too comfortable with the frequent sms-ing, seems u guys are having more to chat abt than us?

2. i'm not very keen with her having u as her emotional support, these things do require alot of time and u can't always be there for her and here for me & the kids... u should try to slowly backout before it becomes an expectation of hers for u to constantly be there. it's may even affect your work which would have consequences.

just throwing an angle...

 

[vios]

glamour

were the previous talk-sessions going in circles and circles? and what was the 'final talk' about?

majiam like "i love you, you love me" but nothing seemed to be addressed.

 

[glamour83]

it's a little bit like that, very sad. the previous talk sessions were just about him explaining the smses and how work is like. anyway i kinda let it go a little after he decided to leave his hp in his car. will just continue to - keep a look-out.

 

[flyingstar]

hey glamour, i think it's good u learn to let go. he has already taken a step forward. should be more positive! also tell him that you appreciate his actions for doing that. it will encourage him in a positive way.

for your number 2,. i already stated earlier, pull a 3rd party into the picture. someone professionally trained in counselling to help her. as he is a doctor he will understand - eventually she needs professional help, and he alone can't do much.

number 2 needs to be tackled delicately. becoz your hb has a soft spot for her probably because they had the same past. so that's something they share already.

from your post, it seems that you know what you don't want him to do. but then you think too much and go beyond (no sms, can fb and email, etc.) if you think that way you are certainly not going to find any solution and you make yourself and him frustrated at the same time.

be positive and have confidence in him.

btw i'm a girl. lol.

 

[karvna]

@Glamour:

I think the line has been crossed in your case. Unlike girls, guys are not too distressed by emotional infidelity meaning that it is acceptable to them to have feelings towards more than one girl at the same time.

Your hb may think he is only a friend to her now, but feelings may get blurred over time and guys are usually not as in touch with their feelings are women.

I used to have close female friends too, but after they got married, I hardly met up with them. Your hubby's priority should be you and nobody else.

I suggest you sit down and have a good talk with him:

- share with him your concerns
- assure him that you trust him, just that you feel uncomfortable
- ask him how he will feel if you were to sms a male friend so frequently as well.

If you hubby loves you, he should distance himself from the girl who after all has a boyfriend to take care of her.

Let's face it: platonic friendship doesn't exist in real life at all.

 

[miloice]

"Let's face it: platonic friendship doesn't exist in real life at all."

It exists... just that not everyone can keep the friendship platonic.

 

[infojunkie]

"Let's face it: platonic friendship doesn't exist in real life at all"

reminds me of a movie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFWGOKuFyjk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuSyX2d1tbY&feature=related

 

[scope_guy]

Platonic relationship does exist. It all depends on who you meet. If you meet Jack Neo, of course... chances are, he'd tell you: "Let see lah, see if I really friend friend or love your body..."

LOL~

For me...

If I have no interest in you, I have no interest in you. If you are a friend's wife, I confirm can't be bothered with you.

You have to see what type of people you deal with.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi glamour,

I think I understand some of your concerns.

It's true. There are certain girls out there who have the X factor who can attracts men easily.

I feel that girls who know that they have the X factor should be considerate to other girls.

I used to work quite closely with my married boss during my single days. When I sense my Boss trying to talk about non-related work, I will try and steer the topic to work stuff. I will dress down a bit, don't talk and smile too much at him.

I'm glad I did all these because there was once his wife suddenly just pop into the office and request a meet-up chatting session with her.
Luckily, I wasn't dressed up as pretty as her.
Hence, after the meet up, she feel more assure and never do surprise pop up to meet me again.

Qns to guys : Do most of you like pretty, smiling, good hearted sunshine girls?

So this is to all the sunshine girls out there : Please be responsible of your "Sunshine" X factor and be considerate to girls who don't have it.

 

[scope_guy]

Albee,

You mean those brain-challenged bimbos? LOL~

 

[infojunkie]

"So this is to all the sunshine girls out there : Please be responsible of your "Sunshine" X factor and be considerate to girls who don't have it"

yeah rite, dun flash those saccharine smiles...

if they do as u said they r probably fake

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi junkie,

These girls if they know that they have the X factor, they can control the situation by sharing their problems with their single friends or family.

Why must they choose a married man to share their problem with???

Scratch my head. Huhh?? Please enlighten my simple minded head.

 

[infojunkie]

am scratching my head too...

what has it got do with X factor?

pls enlighten me

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

You saw from my previous posting how I control the situation with my boss.

I wonder why some other girls don't do that.

 

[scope_guy]

Albee,

Is that control situation?

I always joke with women, girls, strangers... even ah ma... on non-work related issues. LOL~

You think I will fall in love with ah ma???

You and your big fat thinking.

If your boss will target you, it doesn't mean you laugh like sunshine... even if you like Da Ji （妲己）, no laugh until that stupid king destroyed his empire to make her laugh...

Do you know how childish you are? LOL~

You really think you can CONTROL men like that?

Go and dream. Now midnight liaoz... can dream.

 

[infojunkie]

@albee

i just dun think u can use that as an example.

 

[scope_guy]

Junkie,

She obviously a childish mother of two. LOL~

 

[infojunkie]

not childish lah...

she's childlike

 

[scope_guy]

Junkie,

This type of woman is big turn off. But if I were to be her boss, I'd still joke with her...

And she can try 'successfully to control' me. LOL~

She'd be successful... because I am turned off by such... funny thinking woman. Hweebs knows... stupid women is a big turn-off to Scope. LOL~

Just be natural, just handle relationship at ease. How can you 'purposely control'? LOL~

OK, you are right again. She's child-like.

 

[reddyredlee]

Glamour:
While there is reason to be concern as to why HB is still keeping in touch with his colleague,at least he had been pretty upfront to you about it and he shows the smses that he exchanged with her to you. This goes to show he has nothing to hide from you.
I know you would like to trust your HB on this matter but yet at the same time, you are just wary. Just remember, do not let those poisonous thoughts manifest. Trust your HB. Get to know his colleague.
I feel that if you continue to allow those poisonous thoughts to manifest, you may end up picking on him or getting him to reassure you more than what you would like to. He might just end up getting more frustrated and might start to wonder why you do not trust him at all.

It exists... just that not everyone can keep the friendship platonic.
I totally agree with Milo's statement. Platonic friendship does exist in real life. I am really thankful that I have this super good buddy that I can lean on whenever I need him. He can also count on me when he faced with problems.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

What I'm saying is that if I'm the female doctor colleague, I have a choice to choose who to confide my problems. Why choose a married man when there are others to choose from?

Don't tell me glamour's hubby is better than all the other people. If he is really so good, out of respect and to avoid any misunderstandings, she should still control herself and choose others to talk about her problems.

This is the way I conduct myself. Life is hard enough and when you are so lucky to have the X factor why use it to cause another woman (wife) unnecessary misery.

 

[scope_guy]

Albee,

LOL~

OK. By your own thinking... you are a married woman, so you choose not a married man but a not married man to confide. LOL~

Then that married man no problem, our married woman here should, in your logic, got problem.

Or, since the man could have what X factor, he also should give you a cold stare, "Buzz off, married woman... go confide to a dog, I may be too sexy for your love."

Why not? Maybe 日久生情？

Albee, do you know what is your problem? LOL~ Grow up lah~

 

[miloice]

Albee, friendship isn't something u can just at random choose. Some people just click better regardless of their martial status.

 

[paperboat]

Albee,

So are you telling all of us that you have the X factor and is that sunshine good hearted girl? Hahaha..

X factor is determined by others, not yourself. You don't have to "control" to spare the misery of others that you deemed do not have that kind of X factor.

Ultimately, it's whether the husband loves the wife or not. And how much he respects her. Even if you have the X factor, he might not be even interested in you.

 

[babystorm]

Albee, I had prefer to be myself and let nature take its course. Like paperboat said in her/his last paragraph, if a man wants to play, he will no matter how his target looks. It can even be an ugly girl.. Those whom you see and go "Gosh, why her of all people?" But who knows, maybe she is a gem in the heart.

 

[cococherry]

I'm fine with husband being a "buddy" to a female colleague.

 

[chilliinketchup]

I don't believe that any woman can feel totally at ease with their husband being a buddy to a female colleague. Opposite attracts. This is the law of nature.

chocolatte (cococherry): What if that female colleague is very attractive?

 

[cococherry]

Hi Chilli

What makes you think that my hus's current female colleagues aren't attractive?

If he wants to cheat, he will cheat with ugly women too, I had seen ugly TOWs.

Its really a matter of trust and perhaps currently no problems with our relationship. Some men cheated because there's already a prob in their marriage. They didn bother to take action until they found a TOW who makes them realise the difference between their wives and the TOW.

So far I know my spouse well enough
=)

 

[sgbabydoll]

Albee, men can't stop falling in love with you unless you stop them, and all their wives have to thank you for sparing their husband???

 

[sundownprince]

Yep beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Befriending your partners friends is a healthy way of getting to know them, widening your social circle and exerting your presence. I am sure your husband is not that dumb and he'll appreciate your trust. But if you feel something is wrong u should ask your husband once he clarifies take it unless u are spoiling for a disagreement. Is he not paying u enough attention?

 

[thommy]

doll: hahahaa...her thinking is very funny indeed.