Would you accept your husband being a "buddy" to a female colleague?

[glamour83]

Hi, im posed with this situation now:

My husband and I got married less than a yr ago and recently i realised he has been on very close terms with this female colleague. This disturbs me as i am not used to him being relatively close to any other women but myself. they have been texting almost everyday (10 or more smses a day) and sometimes they are not work related but very non-impt yet platonic content.

I know this may sound paranoid but i've heard too many stories of doctors having affairs with fellow doctors and i also understand that this female colleague of his did once had an affair with another married doctor. she also told my husband that she has suicidal tendencies and has an eating disorder.

My husband explained to me that he is just trying to help her as he is the only person in the hospoital she talks to abt this. I sense their friendship has deepened over the months and i am just worried this friendship might develop into boy-girl feelings with time. As much as i trust my husband, I certainly do not trust this girl as i think she is a not exactly decent.

Is there a cause for concern or am i just making a mountain out of a mole hill?

 

[ariel84]

Keep the communication open with him, don't be overly suspicious, but do let him know your concerns. Perhaps she just feels that he's the only person who can listen to her troubles at this time. How about you getting to know her too?

 

[glamour83]

Hi ariel, im trying very hard not to make a fuss out of nothing, but it's very difficult as i am by nature a rather insecure person (don't know why). i know at this moment, their friendship is platonic but they are gradually becoming buddies/confidantes. i am not comfortable with my husband having a female friend as a confidante. anyway why is there a need to be texting each other so often?

My husband commented that she is keen to meet/know me as well. but i am certainly not keen. I am extremely guarded of her; i don't know her intentions towards my husband given her dubious background.

 

[mayimayi]

if you trust your husband, no matter what the lady does, your husband will still 安分守己 mah.
For me, I will focus more on what my husband’s reaction / response is than what will the lady do or try to do to him.

==============================================

Hope this short story here cheers you up. =)

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.

Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

 

[mayimayi]

You cant condemn someone simply because he/she had once did something wrong, right? Every human errs, why not give her the benefit of doubt and not judge her when you don’t even know her personally..

Communciate with him on the frequent smses? Better to have a chat then to make wild guesses imo.

 

[ariel84]

Glamour, if you are not comfortable in having your HB have a female confidante, you really need to let him know. Don't let the unhappy feelings snowball in you. But do approach the topic gently and not in an accusing way.

I feel there's nothing wrong in having close friends of the opp sex, just know where to draw the line. If you trust your HB, you should trust that he will draw the line.

She is keen to meet you as well... I actually think it's a good idea for you to get to know her. I am quite insecure by nature too, and sometimes my imagination runs wild. But once I get to know the other parties (my BF's gal friends), I actually find them quite nice and realize that it's me who is thinking too much.

What dubious background, by the way?

 

[glamour83]

I know i have to trust him, i do trust that he loves me now and will be loyal to me, but i also think he can be very gullible; and because of this, he may sub-conciously fall in love with that female colleague as time goes by. Seeing how their friendship gradually gets closer, i am just worried.

Take last week, for example. we were on our way to malaysia, and he started texting again. after we crossed the msia border, each sms costs 50cents. And he is usually pretty thrifty and doesnt strike me as the type who will still reply to unimportant smses if he knows he has to pay 50cents per sms. However, he still replied to her smses twice. When i asked him abt it, he cldnt give me a good reason why he did it. In fact, when i asked him to text his other guy friend to see if he is also in msia, he hesitated because of the sms rates.

so by his small actions i can tell their friendship is not that simple.

 

[miloice]

Actually, you do realize that your insecurity is from you. Worries cannot change anything. Neither can you force anything on him.

Talk to him about your concerns. Basically, you guys need to work something out together. You cannot literally control him. Whatever control, it needs to be taken by your partner not you. Seems you do not have much faith in relationships at all nor trust for him to stay true to you. The action speaks louder than words. Trust isn't something just spoken about. You say you trust him but in reality, you don't.

From what you have shared, he definitely value this friendship pretty much too. The line can be really grey. Sensitivity on his part needs to be done voluntarily. Nothing wrong to maintain platonic friendship but it should not lose sight of his priorities and to the extend of being insensitive to you.

 

[glamour83]

i found out from my husband that this girl has suicidal tendencies. she also has an eating disorder and because my husbdan used to have an eating disorder when he was a teenager, he felt he could connect with her. there was also an episode where recently she texted my husband saying she wanted to end her life or sth.. and my husband, while at work, called the police to check it out. in the end nothing happened, but the girl then scolded my husband for calling the police, saying if she gets caught, she will lose her license to be a doctor.

she also has a boyfriend overseas, and apparently, she loves him deepy. however, she cheated on him some time ago as their relationship was on the rocks. in fact, she cheated on a fellow doctor who was already married.

my husband tries to convince me that they are just friends and he doesnt like her that way. but after knowing about her, i just dont trust her. if she can cheat on her bf with a married man when she claimed she is madly in love with him, what is she not capable of?

of course, i know it's not nice to judge. trying very hard not to before i meet her.

 

[ariel84]

Glamour, if he loves you, he will be considerate to your feelings. If all these smsing is bothering you so much (well, enough for you to start a thread), you really need to let him know. For all you know, he may be clueless to what you're going through.

Insecurity is a very scary disease. I used to be really bad, still am insecure in some ways now. I find the way to control myself is to always communicate with my partner about my fears, but never being accusing or suspicious of what he is doing until you have proof. You have to manage your insecurity, or you will continue facing this kind of situations throughout your marriage. Today it is this girl, next time it will be another girl.

I still feel it'll help you to get to know her. This might relieve some of the fears in you.

 

[miloice]

Glamour, some balance is required. If his priorities are all messed, its something he needs to reflect about. Emotions can start from sincere care and concern for the person.

You are not wrong to say its possible that it could develop into something more. But, it is not something you can literally put a stop in by demanding your husband to ignore his friend or something. He would only see you are being demanding and unreasonable.

What you could do is ways to remind him to set his priorities right and feedback how neglected you feel etc.

ariel, not true at all. We all hurt our loved ones with our actions. Not all intentional but in reality it happens. That's why couples need to communicate. Everyone is different, conflicts is bound to happen and we will be hurt. By this logic, no one love anyone at all.

 

[ariel84]

"ariel, not true at all. We all hurt our loved ones with our actions. Not all intentional but in reality it happens. That's why couples need to communicate. Everyone is difference, conflicts is bound to happen and we will be hurt."

Hi Milo, if i'm not wrong, I think you are referring to my "Glamour, if he loves you, he will be considerate to your feelings." Actually what I was trying to say is that, the husband will be considerate to what she is going through when he realizes how wretched she is feeling now.

I agree that communication is vital for couples and we do hurt our loved ones unintentionally.

 

[miloice]

fully agree.

 

[hweebs]

Glamour,

My sense of things is that your husband is very quick in sms-ing his colleague because as a doctor, he feels that her life is in danger, and is trying to keep her alive short term (suicide) and long term (eating disorder). Of course it may be possible that the colleagues is 'dangerous' and may fall for your husband because of her problems in life (people with eating disorders and is suicidal have serious problems and is disorderly in their relationships with people), but you also say that you trust your husband loves you. So the fear now is for the future, not the current.

I have just read in a psychology book that men feel closest to the person they share secrets with. So I feel that your best approach in this matter will be to get to know the colleague as well. Approach and know her as your husband would, let her become a common point instead of a wedge between you and your husband. In this way, it is more likely you and your husband shares secrets from her, rather than she and your husband hides their interaction with you. The moment you force him to not tell you about her, via your insecurity (telling him to stay away from her, stop smsing her, etc which he will not be doing because he truly wants to help her get well), you will turn their interaction into a 'secret'. He will stop telling you about work stuff and friends for fear you scold him or feel hurt. You two will then drift apart, and she will get her chance in.

Turn in around: if you become a confidante and one of her best friends, she will become close and attached to you (hopefully), then she wouldn't want to hurt you by 'stealing your husband', and anyway she can't steal because your relationship with your husband become even closer and better because of her. So, it's a win-win if you get to know her. Be sincere in trying to help, and hide your insecurities. In your genuine efforts to help her, you will not be insecure anymore (unless if you evil enough to think that she die then cannot steal your husband)

Hope this helps!

 

[susanna_low]

I agree, do understand their friendship more rather than to jump to conclusions.

My hb went out with his female course mates and colls. He will make an effort to pick them up too. Rather than to indulge in insecurities (guys hate most), why not join them in their outing or make an effort to know the gal?
Sometimes I join in too and even suggest my hb to send them home too.
Trust is especially important in a marriage and insecurities do drive the men away.

 

[glamour83]

Hi everyone, thanks very much for your advice. Looks like the majority of you feels the best way is to know her first. Having said that, my hb acatually wants to plan a bbq for this group of colleagues (since abt a month ago) as a farewell gathering when they change departments. He initially wanted us to host the bbq at our place and for me to cook some of the stuff he likes to eat. i think i shd take this chance to meet his colleagues and also the girl.

I just had a final talk with him and we promised each other we will not be having such arguments with regard to her in future (it just isnt worth it). You guys are right, i cannot control how other girls feel for my husband, i just have to mark his words that i am still the one he loves and be quick to remind him when the line gets grey.

really thank you girls!

 

[powder]

if u have problems accepting this, there will be more things in life u have problems accepting. using the word 'accept' is quite harmful to be honest... live and let live, learn to deal with, and learn to live with...

u made the girl guilty even before her sincere frenship with your husband is proven otherwise. from another point of view, if u had met your husband and he is married to someone else... i would think even tho u dun harbour hopes of being with him, u'd still be very keen to have a lifelong frenship with him.

for girls like yourself who are fortunate to meet single men like your hubby, and have them love u back and marry u... dun ever forget that u have been blessed, and also dun forget that u must have the wonderful personality in which a wonderful guy like your hubby wishes to commit to for a lifetime... what i'm saying is... u're Have To Be pretty wonderful yourself, dun u think?

 

[jefferson_edison]

keep an eye on your husband. but if he really run off (u know what it's mean), there's nothing you can do about it.

it's his life. he choose it, so he had to get the result of it.

some people divorced and get a better partner.
some people divorced and the partner he/she get is even suckier then the first one, then regret....

prove to him your are caring and not push/force him and make him suffer. he had not done anything wrong right now. maybe you should have a heart talk to him rather then hiring P.I, scan through his phone, email, threathen him, make his life miserable (this will enhanced the path of going into a divorce)...

u already losted trust in him to have posted your topic here.






u are being suspicious right now without any evidence.


































if u get the evidence... what will you do?
































remember he've done nothing wrong until now...and love is not about right or wrong... do u still love him?

 

[susanna_low]

Gal!~ Great to hear that! Stay positive and all the best to you!

 

[hweebs]

glamour,

no problem! Jiayou!

 

[shannat]

uhhh just to answer the qn u posted-
"Would you accept your husband being a "buddy" to a female colleague?"

my answer very straightforward is NO.
not about trust or worry he will fall for her or whatever reasons, i'm not comfortable with it and i dun like it, so i wont accept it. like wise, he will not like it either, so i wont do it. some ppl may think or say its like controlling your partner bla bla bla, (very easy to say give all those da dao li, but how many can actually do it??) but if it makes both of us happy then good enough.
for me im more kiasu la, so prevention is better than cure to me. just talk to your hubby abt it n let him know how u feel.

 

[matka]

hi Glamour83

Glad that you're taking the opportunity to get to know your hb's friends. Anyway, in his line of work, I assume he is undergoing training now... the postings are fairly short (6 mths per dept max. As HO only 3 mths).

It is normal that as colleagues, they may be closer at one point or another. But as they move on to other postings, people come and go. And in the next posting, he will meet new people as well - nurses, pharma sales reps, etc. The list is endless. He may be close to her now but that might not happen in the next posting.

So you really have to be confident about your relationship and believe that he will do the right thing. Just keep the communication going as much as possible.

 

[miloice]

That's provided it makes u both happy. Then, it of cos is good enough.

But, not sure if most guys are happy with a controlling spouse though. I for sure will not appreciate that. That prevention is what we need to put in place ourselves to guard. Not guard our partners. Actually, part of being a good buddy to a platonic lady friend is never crossing the line. Knowing to give the space and respect to her. If one cannot do that, they are bluffing themselves that they are buddies.... the line is crossed already. No need wife to challenge or confront him. He should be honest with himself. When his concern for the friend has make him emotionally confused, he need to have his alarms and pull back.

 

[thommy]

I don't like my spouse to control me too. I can't breathe to be honest.

 

[miloice]

Another thing, this is no da dao li. This is very real to me.

 

[powder]

i have no qualms initiating a divorce if wife ever restricts me on frens. it will never end... one day i will have to ditch my buddies and my mum, and everyone that ever made me the very man that she married.

some men u can control... some men u can never hold. if u wanna be in control, marry the type of men who will submit to u. But realise that one day they will submit to someone much better... and it's unlikely to be u.

marry a strong man and he is strong to fight temptations... he will also fight your control.

 

[glamour83]

I have no problems with my husband hanging out with female and/or male friends/colleagues. I think both of us can continue to have our individual social lives after marriage.

But if one particular female friend appears much more frequent than usual in smses/phone calls/emails etc, then i will be concerned.

The last thing i want is to be naggy and controlling at home, it's suffocating to him and tiring for me.

 

[miloice]

glamour, its the balance he needs to watch. He seems to be losing his priorities.

 

[kittenpie]

glamour,

1) your concerns are valid. you are not paranoid about this lady doctor. it is a fact that she is a messed up character. being worried or concerned about something is not wrong, neither is questioning. the crux is whether these translate into positive action, or detrimental action, or no action - i.e. just ask for the sake of asking.

you could be dignified and communicate clearly and calmly, saying only once and for all in a neutral, non-pushy tone that you hope that he would exercise his discretion in his friendship with her. or you could escalate, explode into a greek-tragedic outburst and embroil him in a massive quarrel. you decide.

2) people need friends. having platonic friends of the opposite sex is what is termed as hong2 yan2 zhi1 ji3. being different from friendships with those of same gender, such platonic friendships satisfy a different aspect of a person's social needs.

of course, hong2 yan2 zhi1 ji3 has romantic undertones to it. but be magnanimous. im sure there are married people out there who still harbour traces of romantic illusions about someone out there - it could be someone far-out like a TV celebrity, or it could be their first love. people need fantasies, just live and let live as long as they are not being acted upon.

when a person's social needs are met, he/ she would grow emotionally more well-rounded and his perspectives would be widened. wouldn't this go to enhance his other relationships including that with his spouse? consider this.

 

[glamour83]

And where this girl is concerned, i have my reasons for being weary of her. My husband only told me this last week after i tried to talk to him.

A few weeks ago, the girl smsed my husband late at night. Her sms was ambiguous and she mentioned life was tiring etc and she wanted to end her life. My husband was on call in the hospital then, and called the police for help. The police then went to her house and this alarmed her whole family. She was obviously ok when the police got there, and after the big hoo-ha, she called my husband and scolded him for calling the police. She said she had a police record for attempted suicide before and if she was caught again, she wld lose her doctor's license and might even be jailed. She then told my husband to delete the sms she sent to him and deny everything if the police were to question him.

I told my husband he did the right thing and the girl shouldn't have scolded him if he was trying to save her life. If i were her friend, i wld have done the same as i cannot risk not doing anything lest she really decided to jump. And i think it's plain selfish to ask my husband to deny his statement from the police as it may get him into trouble. What alarmed me was that my husband actually was ready to deny all these for fear that she would get into trouble.

After hearing this episode, together with the fact that she had once cheated on her bf with a married doctor, I just have nil trust in this girl.

 

[powder]

dun ever think u can have your cake and eat it... dun ever think life and the pple living it - owes It to u to ensure that All your happiness and Insecurities are taken care of... always take a good look at yourself to ask if u constantly deserve good things to happen to u. and how much u're striving for it...

when i say 'striving', i mean u, your personal self... and whether u stay tip-top in personality and character... and not just decide u can stop being a good person once u're married, and expect goodness to come from others. none of us sits on the throne and awaits to be served good things and good news... we are but humans.

if u dun accept something or someone, u jolly well make the efforts to find out what u are Not accepting, instead of guessing and letting your insecurities Form the character of the person u're being insecure abt. Nobody likes to be misunderstood... and nothing hurts like good intentions being misconstrued to be bad...

all these basic principles and ethics are something we should adhere to... giving opportunities to others for us to know them, before we misjudge them... finding out instead of guessing...

100 pple can think they are right, but they can be so royally wrong becos ALL 100 of them did not bother to know more. Ignorance is part of most pple's daily lives as they embrace it... just look at how many pple seek advice on whether they are pregnant once they've missed their period (instead of seeing a doc or using pregnancy kit, they ask long long questions Here in this forum), just look at how many pple seek simple facts on HDB which they can jolly well find out instead of posting... And u will know what i mean by ignorance. pple are not stupid, but they simply choose lazy stupid ways to address issues they can find out simply by Thinking. but thinking of solutions seems to be something not many pple wanna do... they prefer to indulge in negatives and revel dramatic fashion.

this is part of huan frailties... but is that acceptable? well it's really upto individuals.... u only have 1 shot at living life to the fullest... u either spend 6mths guessing, or 1 meetup finding out. i think most ladies prefer to spend 6mths guessing and speculating and forming 'facts' in their own mind.

 

[thommy]

glamour, tell ur hubby dun be such a busybody...it doesn't pay to be kind.

 

[miloice]

Its a really stupid idea to try to lie and cover for her. He made the police report. Why would he have done that if there is no call or SMS from her?

The Police are not idiots. And your husband is really one for trying to cover up for her.

 

[glamour83]

apparently after all these episodes they are still good friends.

something i cannot understand.

 

[jefferson_edison]

u cannot stop your husband from having friends.

they are friends because in work place u need friends.

friends help each other. that's all. if he love u he will love u no matter what. if he don't love u anymore, it doesn't matter if u control him from having a female friend.

it's trust that matter. u don't mind he having a female friend but in the end there's certain amount of trust gone. did u tell him u posed her and what will his feeling be when he know u posed in here?

 

[powder]

glamour,

"After hearing this episode, together with the fact that she had once cheated on her bf with a married doctor, I just have nil trust in this girl."

there can be logical explanations for these occurances, it's just whether u choose to put them together in neagative fashion to create your opinions, or at least give yourself a chance to know more.

suicide can be due to severe depression, sometimes severe, sometimes at points where u feel that there's really no other paths to take. Most of us have had suicidal tendencies at different points of our lives... those of us with religions might be less inclined to even entertain such thoughts, but suicide IS something that is real. NOW assuming at that point, the closest confidante to her IS your husband... a call to your husband would have been made. if she made that call, it was a sort of last cry for help...

do note my above paragraph is Just to add another angle... an angle which i feel is Possible as a 3rd party. u have adopted a more negative angle... u are Not wrong either... but neither are u absolutely right. what u can do is to know her since an opprotunity is given, and perhaps u can ask her. (i know i would, i am not afraid to ask direct questions for fear or awkwardness)

ref cheating on her bfren... i would need to know the State of her relationship to make a fair assessment... we both know that there are many segments in a relationship where u could be officially an item, but unofficially no longer emotionally attached in any way.

and this also spins-off to make us have to guess the state of That married doctor's marriage... he could be in separation, he could be a downright scumbag etc etc... Has this been ascertained yet?

all these add to the very reason how things turned out... the source, the root, the reasons, the excuse... Did u use all means to find out before u made your judgement? if u have, then definitely fair enough for u to be wary... if u have not, then maybe u need to do more...

 

[kittenpie]

did u tell him u posed her and what will his feeling be when he know u posed in here?
=================================================

Jefferson, don't be ridiculous. there is nothing wrong with asking such questions in a forum about man-woman relationships. you mean a husband is a deity who cannot even be wondered about or questioned?

that is male-chauvinistic to the point of absurdity.

many times it is when you do not ask when you have doubts, or pretend to think that you hold all the answers, which is the most stupid thing to do.

 

[miloice]

"you mean a husband is a deity who cannot even be wondered about or questioned?"

HAHA.... good one just before lunch!

Bon appetite all. CHEERS

 

[matka]

Hi Glamour

It seems that your hb has been rather upfront with you and I think that itself is a comforting thought already.

How did you know about her affair with the married doc? Did your hb tell you about it? If that is so, then I think you have less to fear.

About your hb trying to deny for her - well, he's probably not thinking straight. Probably being helpful, albeit not realising the real consequences. If the police really do decide to charge him for making a false report, then the truth will all come out.

He was on call right? If he was truly worried and really needed to, I'm sure he would have found a way to leave the hospital himself.

 

[infojunkie]

glam,

we can choose not to accept if it's something more than friendship...

and then what?

can we stop ppl from feeling how they feel?

can an emotion be turned off just like that?

no, u can't change how ur husband feel abt his lady fren...

but u can change how he feels abt U

work on urself and not them... make him see u in a different light... not the usual whiny crybabies some women r capable of becoming

find ur own worth and u'll be fine, be it a platonic friendship or a courtly romance

 

[jefferson_edison]

May, that's when u doesn't trust him anymore.

u have to ASK PUBLIC opinion.

u have to ask strangers about how to deal with your husband.

Look who's at the wrong path now. the husband. a poor thing, doesn't know his wife have doubt in him.

Milo: U must know about love. love it not treating the other half like a deity but is to trust him. You trust he will not betray your love.

People divorce because they lack of trust. the guy lack of trust with the wife, thus he's not getting any love from her, thus divorce take place.

Divorce is a second chance of human to learn about trust and to learn about love.

 

[jefferson_edison]

May, and i am sure u won't want your husband to pose about you, what u did wrong, what's going on to some public forum, when u know how is your feeling?

u know already very happy and smile all day? he doesn't talk to you about the problem and posting in the forums... oh that's your way of trust is it?

 

[matka]

The whole purpose of a forum is to facilitate discussion. Get different opinions or to just voice out how you feel.

Then why are you here? Really? This is "Matters of the Heart". Like that no need to participate right?

 

[kittenpie]

Jefferson,

rather than pinning it to NO TRUST, could this issue here boil down to NOT knowing which approach to adopt at this turn of the relationship?

everyone has different levels of skills when it comes to managing inter-personal relationships. when we are at a juncture when we know not how to handle a relationship, what is wrong with asking?

furthermore, this is an anonymous forum. should not even seek differing views on an ANONYMOUS forum?

your standpoint is tantamount to questioning why counsellors and self-help books exist.

and in response to your post to me, i have accepted since when i was 12 years old that people talk about one another behind one another's back. it is naive to think that people do not voice feedback on one another in the subjects' absence. i can say in 100% confidence that i do not mind him talking about me in my absence to strangers because that is his right.

 

[jefferson_edison]

yes i am here to share some tots of my own.
you are right matka here is to discuss. discuss about the husband's bad.. and seeking opinion like turning back on him, spurring out, saying husband is covering for his colleage, police case etc... that's not very healthy.

in the end what does it lead to? divorce?

in the end, the thread starter should just talk over to her husband, that's all.

sharing tots is ok. what i am telling TS is to trust her husband.

 

[the_giving_tree]

Glamour, I do think you have a genuine concern that your hubby is getting too close to a female colleague. It's good you have voiced your concern to him. If I were you, I would tell him what my concerns are: that the line between infidelity and friendship can be crossed easily if he is not careful, especially since this colleague seems to have many emotional issues. If she finds that your hubby can meet her emotional needs, in the long term, the relationship is not going to be very healthy.

On the other hand, you can't force your hubby to minimize contact with her. It has to be of his own intitiative. If I were you, I would voice my concerns to him (reasons stated as above) and then tell him that I hope he can minimize contact with her for the sake of our marriage. I don't think this is being controlling.

From a friend's point of view, the most your hubby can do is to encourage her to go for counselling and seek help soon. At the same time, he can alert some close mutual friends that they know and ask them to keep an eye on her. As a married man, your hubby should not get too emotionally involved with her.

In case you think I'm a control freak, I am not. I've been married for close to 20 years now. My hubby is a teacher and he has many close female friends and ex-students (female) whom he still keeps in touch with regularly. Occasionally, he also meets his female ex-students one-on-one for a meal and chat to catch up. And some of these students are really pretty. I know because I know most of his students and ex-students (they come over to our house during CNY). But he doesn't meet any particular female student regularly, one-on-one, all the time. And he also keeps me informed whenever he meets them.

So yes, if the line is crossed, I think you have ground to be concerned but as I've said, it's really up to your hubby to make the decision not to cross the line and to put a stop to it long before he reaches that line. I suggest both of you have a good talk again.

 

[miloice]

Jeff, why are you writing to me for? Trusting someone isn't something like a press of a button. TS needs to sort out her thinking. Her concerns are real and she has to deal with it and not fear to share her true emotions with her partner. I'm not for controlling but there is a learning curve. She can learn to cope with it with her partner's understanding and sensitivity.

I laugh at the humor in May's comments, any issue with that?

Often, we read of insecure women writing about their problems. On how miserable they are feeling but at the same time fearful of driving their spouses away. Its a vicious cycle. These insecure feelings needs to be addressed. It takes 2 to tango. That's how trust is build. The more they try to suppress the feelings, the more insecure they will get. They need to face it and deal with it and not sweep it under the carpet and expect TRUST to come out of no where.

This is how they deal with their issues that are bottling inside. Everyone just has a different way to handle their unique problems. Nothing so bad and unhealthy about using a forum to vent our the worries that they have.

 

[vios]

glamour, they are still good friends because your hb is her pillar of support at this moment. moreover, her bf is away, so naturally she confides in your hb. all the drama-mama is not gonna squash their friendship overnight lah. so, it is quite silly to hope that they will not talk again after those episodes.

most of us have buddies of opp. gender but given normal circumstances, i guess we don't correspond with our buddies via 10+ sms-es on a daily basis? ok, maybe i'm wrong.

anyway, can understand your uneasiness and all but it is still very unclear if she is interested in your hb... but even she is, it is nothing surprising? and it's prob your hb who should draw a line on certain occasions. i mean, there's only so much that we could be there for friends - provided that they should help themselves first and foremost.

 

[flyingstar]

i agree with Faith. Most importantly is to speak to your hb.

i have attended marriage seminars before, it is always mentioned that many extra marital affairs start with emotional affair...2 people become very close that they connect emotionally. and then if at home they feel that their spouse cannot connect the same way as the other party, it will turn into an affair if not handled properly.

it is important to keep an open communication with your hb. that will help to curb your insecurities and at the same time you will know what's going on.

and you could suggest to your hubby if he's able to bring in a 3rd party (counsellor or colleague) to help his friend. because after all, your hubby cannot be the only person who's able to help her right? he's also not trained in this area. i think he will understand the logic behind this.

 

[glamour83]

the reason why i decided to post here is because:

1. this is an anonymous forum, i'm not providing any names hence i don't think i'm putting anyone in bad light.

2. i'm here to seek advice/opinion from forummers who may have some experience to offer, i hope I can see this issue in another light or angle.

Thanks Faith and May, i find your opinion particularly in line with mine.