Woes with my hb family

[hugochavon]

My relationship with my in-laws had broken down. My story is...

After i give birth to my son, i really need alot of help. At that time, my new maid was giving me tonnes of problem, headaches and in the end, she gotinto depression and i had to send her back. I had resumed working after my maternity leave and really need my MIL help. At that time, she is not working hence she is the only person who can help us to tide over this transit period.

I do admitted that during the initial months, she did lend a hand and always travel to our place to guide the maid. And to be frank, she took care of me during my confinement as I had complication which require assistance to walk around and visit toilet. I was really grateful to have her around.

When my maid left, we seek for her help to take care of my baby a few more days while i look for maid again. But she declined telling us my PIL made noise of her always not at home, she told us that she need to take care of my husband's silbilg who is already 27 and 24 at that time. I was really furious and because of that, we had a heated argument, i am thinking, who need help more, a 3 months baby or those adults at home. Who can accept?

Anyway, after that, i apologized to her as i admitted my words was harsh and disrespect during the quarrel. and being naive, I thought that she will forgive me as she ever said i am considered as half daughter since i married to their family. Which parents will not forgive their family afterall. But she kept them in her heart which I am unaware, i thought things should be resolve.

When I expecting my #2, all the ugly faces appear. She actually shown out all the unhappiness and did not even bother to ask or show any concern. She only want us to bring our son to her place. My #2 is a daughter and she can be very heartless, she even treated a maid better than me. When both of us went to her place, she will make drinks and ask the maid hungry or not, i am totally transparent!!

She did not forgive me, even after my daughter is born and turning 1 soon, she only visited her total 3 times and the last time was may 11. During my 2nd confinement, my parents were super unahppy and commented that she was petty and don't earn any respect as she did not even bother to call and ask the well being of their granddaughter, not to mention me. Who know the confinement lady went to tell tales to her (they know each other during my 1st confinement) and this worsen and complicate the whole matters. She called my hubsand and created a fuss and wanted my parents to apologize to her but this is impossible. In my parents eyes, though i am married to their family, they are also worried and feel for their daughter being treated coldly by my in-laws. Ever since i pregnant and give birth to my daughter, my family are the one who given 100% support and assistance, be in mentally or financially.

So recently my husband hoping to solve the problem went to have a talk with her, but she spilt out all the past unhappiness and said since like that, why should she care and bother. She even told my husband that whenever she think of my daughter, will make her think of me, this is the reason why she refused to acknowledge my daughter and only want to see my son.

I told my husband I had enough of this, she always want my husband to bring my son to their place overnight and do not want to see my daughter giving excuses like weather too hot, still small not convenient etc, but to me, my maid is around to help, what does she mean by all these, maybe in her eyes, we are so dumb to believe. Until one day i told my SIL that please do not treat my daughter like that! I will not allow my son to see his sister being discriminated in such a way which is unhealthy.

Anyway, she also told my husband if he don't want to return also ok with her. Because of me, she can sacrifice her own flesh and blood son and even grandchildrens.

I think she really hated me so much and nothing can resolve the things between us. I always try my best to think that way that they are already old, i also hope as a family, we can forgive and start afresh, once a while outing together, isn't it happier. But i doubt she will want it to happen.

Sigh, life is so unpredictable. But i come to realise one thing, which is, do not rely or depend on others because kids belong to us.

 

[miloice]

"But i come to realise one thing, which is, do not rely or depend on others because kids belong to us."

that's precisely the point... there shouldn't be an expectation to have perfect in laws. Its pretty common that folks don't think logically or rationally. This is probably only a rant to let off the steam. Take care and congrats on your 2nd.

 

[hugochavon]

Yes dear, this is merely to share my story.
Thanks for reading

 

[miloice]

They can over-react over something trivial and not let go despite how many years have passed.

Afterall, they come from a different era, where their long lives are spent on nothing beyond their homes. They go into elaborate details that matters to no one except themselves. They actually pride themselves with it.

e.g. my mil will ensure anything with boiled water is not mixed with filter water. If you prepared coffee with boiled water, you have to chill it with cooled boiled water. There is no reason, its juz better in her view.

This is despite investing on a water filter system to ensure all drinks healthy uncontaminated water.

With the baby, its the same, in everything we parents do, the folks just scruntinize as if we are morons that will ill-treat their previous grandchildren. She is always covering an additional clothings for the baby telling me he is cold. Despite repeated heat rash episodes. She will feel his hands and legs and complain its not warm. If his limbs that warm, I will need to send him in to A&E for fever!

 

[september]

Carol,

I am only interested to know what is ur hb's stand on this, which I think is the most impt. Did he blame u over all that happen?

 

[hugochavon]

I agreed with you, though till today, i still hope that she can let go, because of me, my children lost a childhood without their grandparents, because of me, my husband and her mother (who used to be dote him most) said those hurtful words to almost disown him, because of me, she refused to acknowledge my daughter. Sigh. I still remember how she help me during my complication and truly, though I am angry with the way she treated me from expecting till delivery of my girl, but i still grateful to her. Nothing can be done to salvage.

 

[hugochavon]

Diana,
I have had several fights over this issue with my hubby, he did not really say or show that he is angry with me, but he always want to bring my son over to his mother place without my daughter which after a few times i told him straight this is not healthy.

I know he is being sandwich, which is y i did not stop him visiting his mother if he want. Just without me!

 

[september]

I think still can be salvage but wont be 100% de....coz old folk all like to 'have face' so I if u hold a dinner with the immediate family members as a 'apologise' dinner for her + kneel down and serve her tea and apologise again in front of all immediate family, she might feel better and bear lesser grudge. But can u do it and are u willing to do it?

 

[miloice]

Carol, another thing, most folks don't admit it, but its a fact that they are baised towards BOYS!

 

[september]

Milo,

Tat wat I feel too!

 

[miloice]

Agree with Diana, for folks, face is very very important. Need to stick gold on them sometimes.

 

[miloice]

nothing u can do about it, don't complain or highlight to your daughter, it would strain relationships even more. Your daughter will realize it for herself.

The bridge is already broken, it will take a long time to rebuild. No point blaming its cos of u or her or anyone. Just focus on how to move on with the best interest of the family on the whole.

 

[hugochavon]

Thanks, the one DIana proposed is really a HUGE challenge wor, i have to think about whether can i do or not.

Imagine during CNY reunion dinner, thoughout the 2 hrs dinner, i am already unsettle and uneasy. Just wish I can be out of the dinner asap. She hate me and expect me to have a meal, i need to reconsider.

Yes Milo, i will not let her know about it, and perhaps in her life, there will be no grandparents (Hb side) as she totally unaware. My son will sometime ask to go "MAMA" house, hope that sooner or later, he will not say anymore.

Yes, i only heartpain why things turn out so badly.

 

[miloice]

Carol, why uneasy. Perhaps, u need to learn filtering skills. Men naturally have more of this trait. If you observe your son, he probably displays them since birth.

 

[powder]

the cockup was in the expectations of MIL to take care of the baby whilst u look for a maid, and further screwed when u got 'furious'. honestly i mean, what right have u to be furious?

i dun think it's an era thing... for myself, i will want to have nothing more to do with u becos u have a warped sense of expectations.

when u become a grandparent, i dun think u will expect to be at your DIL's beck and call, and deprive yourself of your enjoyment in your old age... especially when i have taken extra special care of u during the even tougher times and u have taken me for granted and expect me to always be there...

i can be a grandparent, but if my children or children's spouses have any expectations of me like u, enough to get furious... then i will seriously just forget abt u guys and enjoy the remainder of my life in peace.

this would be my perspectve as a grandparent - "i dun think i need to take sh!t from u". whether i am right or wrong, i would rather be wrong to everyone, than to further indulge your warped expectations.

 

[miloice]

powder, it was a one off mistake which she apologized for. It makes no sense to hate the grand daughter.

In a family, I don't believe in bearing overnight grudges. Even if DIL in law is a bitch. She apologized, they made up and that's abt it. She doesn't need to really LOVE her DIL. People move on. Carrying these grudges through the years is so typical amongst MIL DIL relationships. The need to punish each other with all the minor actions.

 

[magaz]

from my experience, older folks just do not like to be talked back to, or 'lectured' or told what to do.

whether we like it or not, that's the way most of them are. Some of them 'modernized' and seem more accepting, but I realized almost most if not everyone of them, prefers to be treated with some form of 'respect'.

it's actually better not to question them or even remotely seem to be 'telling them off'. esp if it's in-laws.

perhaps can try 'coaxing' her first. no matter who's right or wrong, think mend the relationship first. it's a long-lasting relationship that's gonna be there for as long as u both are married I guess.

 

[powder]

the root cause makes it scary to offer anything more to her.

i'm pretty much similar... i can put in alot of effort but if i get bitten once, it ends there. it will take alot to win me over...

given the flow, i think it takes alot more than an apology, and besides... the Expectations have not ended.

 

[miloice]

its not about offering anything. Not even talking any expectation to care for the 2nd kid. Its about not even wanting to have anything to do with the grand daughter AT ALL. You sure you would do that? Would you carry your baggage with the parent to the innocent children? The preferences for the grandson is obvious. And its pretty much to do with the era and the mentality of the folks.

The reason given to her own son for it is totally absurd. If its my mum, i would tell her off right away. What remind her of my wife crap. Its my child her grandchild for goodness sake.

If its me, the separation would be clear. Like you, I will not bother to help nor be expected to. It has nothing to do about winning me over. I would still pamper my grandchildren as a grandparent. Its 2 separate things altogether.

There are more than a single root cause. Both TS and MIL are no angels here. She is here to rant. I agree that the expectation she has is completely wrong to begin with. She said so herself "But i come to realise one thing, which is, do not rely or depend on others because kids belong to us".

If you read again, she had no expectation of her mil to take care of the 2nd kid at all. It was about the MIL cold treatment towards TS and how she chose to completely ignore the granddaughter.

So, I don't see how you think she continues to have some kind of unrealistic expectations of her mil.

 

[hugochavon]

Thanks all for your opinion and advices which i really appreciate.

I did admit it was my fault in the first place which i had mentioned at the end of the day, "But i come to realise one thing, which is, do not rely or depend on others because kids belong to us."

i FULLY AGREED this is going to be a long-lasting relationship, even if she don't forgive me, i just sincerely hope that she can treat both my kids equally especially my daughter who is just a baby and she is innocent. But of course perhaps like what powder said, it might be almost impossible for my MIL to get over the whole thingy.

I really hope things might get better one day, i do not know when, but to be frank, i do feel guilt about what had happened. I felt so bad about my daughter and my hubby having to take what i had done in the first place. Whatever it is, i will still have to move on.

 

[magaz]

all the best carol

old people sometimes can be soft hearted, need to be 'por' a bit... hope her heart softens in the long run. maybe your hubby knows better the sort of character she has.

all the best!

 

[miloice]

Carol, its more than just getting over it. Its her preferences for boys than gals as well. Many folks are like this, they just never admit to it, their actions speaks for itself. We know but cannot change anything about that.

My MIL is like this, so is my mum. My sis went through hell with my mum. My niece isn't getting any attention and my mum & sil hates each other to the core. Its no end. No point fighting. Each has their own reasons. The kid is innocent.

 

[hugochavon]

Thanks mx for your encouragement.

My hubby had tried to talk her round but she sounds pretty firm about her position and hated against me. But i was really heartache when she said "Seeing mei mei = seeing your wife"

In fact my hb tried to hide about their conversation, it is only a week ago when i asked him again about my daughter coming 1 YO birthday will they be joining the celebration, then he reveal that.

 

[hugochavon]

True Milo, this is obviously which my parents really find it so hard to accept, they questioned,"Boy is grandchildren, girl isn't??" There is no such logic especially in this modern ERA. All followed their surname, why must there be a difference!

But like you said, what can we do?

 

[miloice]

your husband lacks tact in conveying the message. All these should have been filtered and you need not even get to know such details.

"There is no such logic especially in this modern ERA. All followed their surname, why must there be a difference!"

I disagree, they come from a different culture and context. They do not conform to our context. You need to understand that. Its surely frustrating but its a reality you should accept as well.

 

[hugochavon]

I think he is under stress being caught in between. But I had tried my best not to let him be in a difficult position. I believe there are other comments, just that he cut it short since i asked the reason why they don't want to attend my daughter 1 YO birthday which I only invite family member. Sigh

 

[hugochavon]

Perhaps you are right, maybe i just couldn't understand their culture and the way they think.

 

[miloice]

When he brings the son down, he should also volunteer to bring his daughter along. Encourage her to calll his grandma, play with her etc. Help to bond with her grandmum. With time, things can improve. Folks are stubborn, but they also have a soft side.

You probably cannot do much, your husband needs to be more proactive in establishing the bonding between grand daughter and grandmum.

 

[hugochavon]

Perhaps i should talk to my husband again, but because of this issue, we did fight several times before. Not because of myself, but because of my daughter.

He did tell me he will try to do something again to resolve but he knew his mother well enough that once his mum hate somebody or something, very difficult to change her mind due to some past records.

 

[miloice]

he cannot force his mum to accept anything. Like I mentioned, he needs to be more tactical. Use the soft approach. Cute little ones, going to grandma, calling and hugging her, wanting to play with ah mah.... it surely works better than son trying to convince his mum to love his child.

 

[hugochavon]

Haha, make senses.
But just hope my MIL can have a open mind to accept my daughter, my fear is if she discriminate my girl, she will feel hurt in someway or another. Do you think so?

 

[miloice]

don't hope for things that contradict reality. Accept the fact, she is your husband's mum, your mil. Workaround the problem for the best outcome. It remove a lot of unhappiness and disappointments over expectations and hopes over pointless things. This way, it reduce your anger for her and avoid taking things too personal, when you realize the causes and effects behind their behaviors are more dynamic and beyond the 2 of u. Not everything is because of you... Once you understand the history, its much easier to deal with it without getting all so emotional.

Think of this example, when you get shouted at for no reason, we take it personally. But, if we are able to see that a person could be having a bad day and was trig by other incidents as well, or understand a person's culture and that its their usual reaction, our reaction to it would be very different. RIght?

 

[hugochavon]

Agreed!
Thanks Milo

 

[powder]

milo, with ref to your immediate post after my last post...

TS may say she realise, but honestly - she doesn't. it's just words by the way... if she really realise " do not rely or depend on others because kids belong to us." then we won't still be at this particular stage of the conversation. her current level is simply to Know.

i have said before there are 3 stages before u hit the final stage of Realisation. 1) u Know, 2) u Understand, 3) u Realilse. i rate the current stage as somewhere between 1) and 2).....that is my opinion and assessment of cos.

what Alamrs me here is Your, Her, Everyone's EXPECTATION for the MIL to naturally take to the granddaughter... on what basis may i ask? becos she is a grandaughter???

the inclination towards the boy is becos she Has Already Bonded with the grandson. afterwhich her efforts has been taken for granted and she was not appreciated at one point.

NOW, would u wanna bond with the 2nd kid and further find yourself Trapped becos u love your grandchildren but can't get along with your DIL who has hurt u?

i have no idea why some of u are so into this "children are innocent" shit... it is As If I dun know, and Others dun know. FACT IS - does not wanting to know your grandchildren naturally put u in some sort of wrong?

1 grandchild already like that... if i get close to my 2nd grandchild - would i be emotionally blackmailed to follow the whims and fancy of my DIL should she One Day decide to use my grandchildren against me???

so dun tell me abt how innocent the granddaughter is. i know she is, but i Do Not trust my DIL for now, and i dun wish to get close in order to protect Myself from harm and hurt becos i definitely can't take it at my age.

my DIL doesn't speak up for me despite me proving My love and acceptance of her thru My Actions in the past. she allows her family to see me in a bad light. she is causing strain to me and my son. she Does Not understand when i need to rest or have time away but expects me to be Always available Without excuse to help her with her kids.

milo, i dun know abt u... for now i can tell u that i am one of those who will not be taking care of my grandchildren like a caregiver... i will know and acknowledge them, but i will still have my own life in my 60s... my responsibility will end with my children. i dun need to take shit from the next generation with expctations to take care of Their children.

i have alot of love for life... dun ever try to Jail me with your expectations.

these are my thoughts.... i dun think there's a need for Right/Wrong analysis here, simply to bring some of u to stage 2)....Understanding.

as for the Boy thing, yes there's a possibility. But preferences are not the Sole indicator of biase. i do notice she has bonded with the 1st grandchild so u cannot unlove someone u have already love, Yes, especially innocent children. but u can choose not to invest your love in subsequent ones... it's Her right... but look how some of u feel the 2nd kid deserve to be loved Too. nobody is right.

 

[miloice]

"TS may say she realise, but honestly - she doesn't. it's just words by the way... if she really realise " do not rely or depend on others because kids belong to us." then we won't still be at this particular stage of the conversation. her current level is simply to Know. "

Agree. Through all the discussions, it would further emphasize that to TS as well.

"what Alamrs me here is Your, Her, Everyone's EXPECTATION for the MIL to naturally take to the granddaughter... on what basis may i ask? becos she is a grandaughter???"

Yes, powder. In all human and asian context, is it so out of the world for one to expect parents to want to have this minimum concern???? Isn't it weird if your son whom you have always dote on just had his child, you don't even bother to call or check on them at all, its so damn weird. Even a friend or colleague that just delivered, we would feel happy and congratulate them. I assure you it doesn't take away any of your love for life to do that. I expect a human to be a human, to have emotions like one. It isn't too much of an expectation isn't it?

And yes, there is a possibility that one could be threatened with the grandchildren. So? There are always different possibilities, it doesn't make it anymore rationale to completely avoid and reject contact with the very people that we care about over some bad blood on one particular person.

 

[infojunkie]

carol,

try not to take ownership for anything if u wanna be gd...

u start by cutting down on the use of the word "My"

did a word count, there r 67 matches in ur postings

 

[miloice]

junkie, u actually counted? what software u used? haha.

 

[infojunkie]

it's just so obvious... can't help counting

 

[powder]

well milo,

as always i will make a call on this one rather than a generic average or expectation. so in this case i Would call it this way.

and dude, in thia case the expectation wasn't tat simplistic judging by the first wave... so after your initial investment of emotions and love, u might be expected to be perpetually available or make yourself avail. that is my call on This case. i'd rather be aloof than blamed, i'd rather be free than expected.

 

[powder]

milo, just to add further...

ref the part abt parents and children in your last post... her MIL doesn't seem too 'allowed' to dote on her children becos they are 24 n 27, but Expected to look after 3mth old baby.

"...she told us that she need to take care of my husband's silbilg who is already 27 and 24 at that time. I was really furious and because of that, we had a heated argument, i am thinking, who need help more, a 3 months baby or those adults at home. Who can accept?"

- "who can accept"??? i'm not sure if u can see the Expectation that forms here... but i see it so fcuking clearly. as a grandparent, i can help out, but after helping, i Now have to fcuking justify The times when i choose not to help, to tend to other matters that may be more impt to me - like my own other children.

maybe u are the type who will take care of your grandchildren at the expense of your personal time with your 24 n 27yr old children Becos they are adults... but this Not very me. i dun really care for grandchildren, my kids can both be gay and i'm pretty happy if the bloodline ends there. i buy 99yr leasehold properties... my responsibility ends at my children Unless my children dies before me and leaves me with grandkids, which of cos i will take up that challenge.

if grandmother is an MP or CEO, i am pretty darn sure the expectations are different. but over in our country, we seem to expect our parents to be the natural caregiver when we have kids. some of us dun even pay nor give money to our parents but take for granted.

and if u think it's over, then u're seriously mistaken. becos if it has been truly accepted, then TS would not still be having quarrels with hubby over this. she should be glad tat at least 1 grandchild is close to granny instead of Again- Expecting equal treatment.

if she feels bad towards daughter, then it was her fcuking warped sense of expectations to begin with. I am sorry, but not everyone forgives and the Hurt inflicted on MIL could be much deeper than u guys might think it to be. my fcuking DIL made hell abt me choosing my own children over her children.... i will always rem this. u can call me petty or small heart, as if i give a flying fcuk what u think of me when i have lived to this age and i dun need u as much as u need me, yet u dare demand fcuking help from me and try to blackmail me with a 3mth old baby.

and Until carol truly understands how the fcuk i feel as an MIL to actually put in more effort to Assure me... instead of Expecting 1-2 apology to do the job.. then why should i simply accept when i dun feel tat she really knows where she went wrong. is she really sorry or is she just saying the sorry part becos that exonerates her?

if u throw me another girl with the same situation, but different character....my advice and opinion would be different. i dun give generic comments and advice. i Call It.

anyway said quite abit liao... but i'm inclined to believe that carol would be more inclined to be offended by me, than to actually reflect on herself sufficiently to carry out a session of sincere true apology.

if i truly want my PILs to love my daughter, i would actually do More, put my pride aside if have to... and not be expecting things to blow over whilst occasionally criticising...

 

[miloice]

powder, i shall repeat, I'm not talking about having equal treatment or the expectations to care for the kid etc. I pointed out straight to TS to quit having unreal expectations. The relationship is strained, mil hates her to the core. She needs to work with the current situation and not hope for things to be different by itself.

Rather, the unwillingness to even want to have any form of contact with the grand daughter and citing that she reminds her of the dil says a lot. Doesn't it? Bringing in references of COE etc isn't even relevant. You are telling me that TS mil is some COE? no right? The context you are painting is far off the current scenario. While, the one I'm referring is much more likely. That her MIL is typical auntie that bears grudges to a point of ignoring her own grandchild with unreasonable grounds that the kid reminds her of the mother.

Yes, she should do more. Which is what we have been encouraging her to. Use more tact and soft approach with the mil. Complaining doesn't help. Ranting to feel better. ok, but nothing changed after.

 

[susanna_low]

There's no point crying over spilled milk and Im petty sure that TS does understand the impact of "words cut deeper than knife".

I do hope that you can think about the words that you use in the future before hurting other ppl especially for closed ones. It's about respect for people as well. For some other ppl, it can never be healed especially on elderly, they can be very sensitive.

Happy or unhappy, life's still goes on, just live your life as it is. There's no point to quarrel with your hb or create conflicts by thinking this n that.

Just live as normal and live life as it is without creating further conflicts. It takes time to heal, I m not sure whether you are the sort of person who will give irregardless.

I will still choose to give and be nice but I wont ever care whether ppl will appreciate. The ppl around you have eyes to see.

My in laws dote on the other grandchild more and will brew tonics for my sil when she's pregnant, they never take care of my gal or help to do my confinement etc. Even they treat the gf of my bil better, sharing a bowl of noodle and going holidays with her without me knowing. My mum can see that and she told me that but I brushed her off, never ever compare as it will only make yourself feel miserable and create unnecessary conflicts.

However I do still go to their house weekly, buy food, bring them out, holidays etc without my hb and I do not want to put him in a bad position as well. Lastly, don't ever bad mouth a man's family in front of him.

Being nice to other ppl does not mean that getting anything in return and usually for small issues I just brush it off.

Practise that more often, u will feel less bothered. Be happy k..

 

[hugochavon]

Wow just read thru the post and really can see how most of you are seeing me as 'i deserve To be in this state' hmm, maybe you are right, from what powder pointed out, i suppose she shared similar view and feel for MIL hence will take your comment in mind. Maybe my English level is not that good, i never know using 'MY' is not right, in fact i am just using it freely and never think too much and meaning into the word wor :s. But i need To thanks all of your time To read thru and really appreciate all your comments and advice given. Maybe if what powder said is true, i will never be able To pin hope as the hurt Mil gone thru was too much To bear.

 

[hugochavon]

thanks milo really appreciate your sharing and advices To my problem raised

 

[september]

Powder,

Actually, I dun quite agreed tat a MIL hate her DIL should and will cross the border and hate her own granddaughter too. Shouldn't she hate the grandson, when it was him who indirectly caused the quarrel?

I will say tat I also in some way offended my MIL (but I did nt have any head on head crash with her lah) during my confinement for my son. But she still love my son the same.

Although she did nt ask much abt how I was when she know I was pregnant with a gal in my 2nd pregnancy, and did nt insist that we hv to call her the moment I am going into labour unlike during my son time which she insisted. But I guess she is just the traditional old lady who prefer boys over gal, well why not right, when she hv 3 sons but no daughter and beside my hb her youngest son, the other 2 have no gf and hv no intention to get married. Furthermore, I have openly told her that we are stopping at 2 even before we know the bb gender.

But after my gal is born, it was so different. She keep wanting to carry her and play with her lor. But who know, my gal is those type of sticky bb who stick to me and she recognise people when she was 2 or 3 months old. So whenever people other than me, my hb or her nanny carry her, she will cried lor.

The thing is I feel tat no matter how much the MIL dislike or hate her DIL, she should nv direct the negative feeling towards her grandchildren, be it grandson or granddaughter lor. Furthermore, if the granddaughter remind her of her DIL, then doesn't the grandson remind her of how she was scold by her DIL over him? It is pure lame excuses to begin with lor.

For me and in my view, even I do nt like someone, I will not hate their children or will I teach my children to hate tat person lor....Frankspeaking after all the shit tat happen during my 1st confinement and all the shit my own MIL have given to me, I seriously dun think I like her but still I have to respect her as a zhang bei and my hb mum. And I nv teach my kids to dislike her lor....I make sure they address her everytime they see her lor.

In my view the MIL is abit over the board for hating her own granddaughter who is only of gender different from the grandson and both share the same gene and blood type lor...

 

[blueprincess]

Hi Carol,
We r not saying u deserve to b in tis state. Wat d others r saying is tt ur actions hav (unintentionally) brought hurt to ur MIL n she feels tt u hav take her for granted. Ur words hav cut her deeply n tis wound ia currently something u hav to heal. Tis is d current situation. No point crying or arguing w ur hubby.


Carol, Powder's words r v harsh so do nt b affected by his words if they r too strong for u.

D elderly in our family come frm an era where they cling to family cuz family is all they have. As a a result they take alot of pride in d things they do for their family. So, when u hurt ur MIL w ur words she was understandably hurt.

I agree totally w TingYi. Elderly pple like u to make d first move, say sorry, treat them like queens, cajole them n make them feel impt. I m nt sure, bt it will b good if u can make amends by organising a family dinner, serve ur MIL tea, praise her other children, n make her knw tt u treat her 24 n 27 yr old children as impt as ur own kids. Let her knw u will nvr hurt her or put her in a position where she has to choose caring for ur grandkids over caring for her own children. Show her tat u love her n tt u r sincere in ur apology.

Ur comment:"she told us that she need to take care of my husband's silbilg who is already 27 and 24 at that time. I was really furious and because of that, we had a heated argument, i am thinking, who need help more, a 3 months baby or those adults at home. Who can accept? " makes me wonder wat u might hav said to her, n tis point aline can bring alot of resentment n bitterness to ur MIL n thus she is behaving in tis way now. Yes ur baby will need more attention at tis point no doubt. But u muz understand tt ur words hav hurt ur MIL cuz u made tt remark abt her OWN kids. Imagine if ur future DIL make such a remark abt ur own kids...how wld u feel.

Carol, i m nt saying it is ur fault so dun get d wrong idea. I m pinpointing on wat cld hav made ur MIL so upset.

Now it is d time for healing between u n ur MIL, n u hav to take d first step. Nt by hoping or complaining, bt by making amends.

Tis healing will take a long time. Do not expect immediate results. There is a v high chance tt ur MIL will still reject u n b unresponsive when u try to make amends for d first few times. She may say something nasty or hurtful when u eg, bring her out for dinner or offer her ur apology. But do not feel discouraged or upset. Do nt b angry w ur MIL. If u understand tt u had hurt her first, n if u understand tt u had hurt her deeply, then u will b able to see precisely why she is doing all these hurtful behaviour towards u.

Bt dun give up, dun despair. Carol, if u wan a repaired relationship w ur MIL, u will hav to preservere, u will hav to consistently work hard at showing ur sincerity n how sorry u r.

It takes time to mend d fences. Esp for an elderly person like her who feels like she has not been treated w respect. This healing process w ur MIL will take a long time. Bt i advise u stay d course n work on it. Cuz she is ur MIL (n nt juz any person on d street).

 

[blueprincess]

Diana, we shld ignore Powder.

 

[september]

bp,

It ok, know powder long enough and dun think need to ignore him when we dun share the same view point mah. Afterall, there is no right or wrong in sharing different view point de.

teo bo uncle powder ;-p

 

[hugochavon]

thanks blueprincess.

 

[miloice]

Actually, u shouldn't ignore powder. What he is pointing out are pretty valid. The main disagreement is ONLY over the MIL treatment to the kid. I think the exchange is good because it brings across issues of both involved parties.

Powder is right about what you did, Carol, it was completely wrong and your expectation is messed up. Our parents and PIL do not owe it to us to care for our kids. It is not their obligation, its our responsibility. However, in many cases, we faced with an entire list of issues when parents are too eager to take on this role as well. Nevertheless, no use crying over spill milk. When you fully understand all the contributing factors, you could in future align your expectation to be more realistic. When she gives you or your daughter the cold treatment, don't take it too personally about her. That's because you understand the history you had with her PLUS her culture and nature. She isn't going to let go easily. Blaming anyone only set in resentments. Look ahead on how to improve the situation instead.

Dealing with relationships especially with the elderly, lots of patience, filtering and dramatized behaviors are needed. You need to exaggerate your appreciation for them to feel important, filter the hurtful actions and words and have lots of patience with their rants and complains. It will take lots of empathy, for that, the key point is learning to see in her context. Remember, create opportunities of bonding. You cannot expect bond to be there by default.