Wish that he is normal....

lostmumtb

New Member
I am 4 months pregnant and my baby is comfirmed to have DS. I felt very sad and disappointed. This is my first baby and first grandson for my pil. My pil wanted us to abort it and my hubby is leaning towards their suggestion. I am not sure but if nobody wants it what can o do? I have seen kids with such disease and felt uneasy seeing them. I am scare and don't want my kid to be like them.

Sorry, I am not sure what I am looking from here but I don't want my friends and relatives to know I am having such a baby, I felt ashamed of myself.
 


matka

Member
Hi Pat, I'm sorry that you're facing this dilemma, especially with unnecessary pressure from your in-laws, but please be strong and take heart.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a DS baby. I know of families who have DS kids, or kids with other disabilities and they live very fulfilling lives filled with much love and joy. The gift of the DS child has also strengthened their relationships. Do know that there is also no shame in having a DS child. Parents of "normal" kids have a different set of worries altogether.

I agree with Bluemoon that you should talk to the mothers at Singaporemotherhood.com.

You can also find support here: http://downsyndrome-singapore.org/

And read about the experiences of a mom: http://downsyndromenewmama.blogspot.com/
 

rofthelper

Member
Pat Ho, don't be ashamed abt it. It could be due to other factors besides DS-related genes.

It is better to know it sooner than later, and make a decision now.

May I know your age group? I guess you have opt for the comprehensive testing for DS, including blood test etc.

Juz to share. I have a female frd (below 35yo), who found out that she has a DS child and decides to keep it, her 2nd child do not have DS and is completely normal. From what she relates, Having a DS child is not easy to cope, for both sides. Requires alot of patience, care and support groups.
 

icesugar

New Member
Hi Pat,

I'm sorry to hear that, but please do not let this affect you too much... It is not your fault, it is nobody's fault, please do not blame yourself.

Stay strong!
 

lostmumtb

New Member
Thanks for the suggestions and links. My doctor has given me some information on DS kids and support group but I have not touch it because I cannot accept this is happening to me.

Actually I am not sure why I am here, I don't wish to talk to people which is in the same situation as me because my mind told me I don't belong there. May be I am here to seek support for not bringing this little imperfect life to this world before the operation. May be to convince myself what my pil and hubby suggestion is correct. The pain and guilt of abortion is temporary and invisible but the having the kid is a lifetime reminder of shame for the family and suffering for the kid. I am not ready for such responsibilty. I know I am selfish and probably not fit to be a mother.

Sorry for the post and thank you for reading.
 

rofthelper

Member
At least you discovered during the 2nd trimester. Decision is still you and your partner to keep or abort.

This is purely my pov, no offense. If you not ready for such responsibility, you can always try again for another one.

We have tried thrice for my second son. 1st two attempts suffered miscarriage at 8wks. Third try finally successful, wife 38 yo at that time.
 

simpleman

Active Member
It is important that you and your hb can come to an agreement. It is not a shame to have a DS kid but the pressure will be enormous. You will need your hb to be 100% with you if you decide to keep the baby - because it will be a life-time responsibility.

It is of course cruel to abort the baby. It is not an easy decision either way.

But first you need to ACCEPT this first. Acceptance is key. Then you can get to the support group and see how you and your hb can come to a decision.

Don't bother about other's opinion. You can't please everyone in this world. You and your hb's joint decision is the most important.
 

lostmumtb

New Member
Thanks, Rofthelper.

I am only 32 and not even in the high risk group. I was shocked when my doctor told me the result. What hurt me most is the expression of my pil and the disappointment of my hubby. I don't know what has gone wrong but the pressure is on me. I don't even dare to think of trying again, what if the same thing happens again? How many abortion must I go through?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Hi Pat, it can happen to anyone. I'm very sorry to hear this. You have to really sort out your mind and come to a decision soon as the fetus is growing daily.

Don't let emotions nor your maternity instincts cloud you. You need to be realistic and completely honest in your evaluation. Don't be overly optimistic. If you decide to keep the child, will your partner and family be supportive? Can you go through this alone? Pregnancy will affect you, the hormones will influence your emotions and you could easily fall into depression. More so, after birth frankly. Find out all the details, don't leave any stones uncovered.

It isn't a time to be angry or disappointed. Your partner isn't wrong either. Life isn't perfect, we need to make tough choices. Make a sound decision not one that is based on spur of moment. Be it to keep the baby or not.
 

lostmumtb

New Member
My hb? He is obviously very affected by the whole event and has been very quiet lately. He is not very keen to talk about it and told me we should just follow what his parents suggest. I felt I am at fault, I can't event accept the little thing inside me and how am I going to convince him to keep it. I have ever thought of keeping the baby because its my child but I cannot accept his sickness. The thought of lifelong care, suffering and daily struggle for the kid and us,I have failed miserably as a mother.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Pat, we don't choose to be in such situations. Its not anyone's fault. sm is right that the 1st thing is abt acceptance. Accepting the reality of the situation that you have to face.

You are struggling badly within, who wouldn't? There are no perfect answers in such situations, you have to bite the bullet and stick with your decision once you made it. Else, you will always be confused and regretting later. You are only human, u didn't fail to be a mother. Not at all.
 

eddie77

New Member
Yes, Pat, you need to come to terms with the situation. Accepting the reality of the situation. Moreover, you need to accept and understand that it is NOT YOUR FAULT nor your hb fault. It's nobody's fault. I mean, we are all imperfect and such things do happen. And you can be assured that you are not alone. In either decision you make, you are not the only one who has make this decision. There are many others who have experienced this. Don't blame yourself or your hb
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
I read that Down Syndrome comes in different levels of severity. I think you won't know till the baby is born and grows up a little. Keep the child only if you are ready to embrace any level of severity. Otherwise, everyone including yourself and your child will be miserable for the next 50-60 years, which is the average lifespan of a down syndrome person.

It will not be realistic to make the decision of keeping your child all by yourself because you will need a lot of emotional support and a good network of back-up help to raise a child with special needs. There is also financial burden to be considered, for example, you may need to quit your job to look after your child full-time.

Now it's not the time to worry about who's fault it is and to feel guilty over it. You need to be really honest with yourself if you really have the means to take care of a child with down syndrome.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Maybe should go down do some community work at Intellectually disabled homes. I did. Frankly, I admit, its too much for me. Being there 2 times, its so depressing. I cannot manage. Let alone a lifetime.
 

cuclainne

New Member
i think the environment in which any child is brought up in plays a part in the child's development.

i have a colleague whose youngest son has DS. He attends school for kids with special needs and his mother volunteers at the school - he is a clever boy, able to socialise, etc.

personally i declined the offer to have the test done during both my pregnancies because me and the husband decided that we would just accept whatever the outcome may be. the child is still ours.

but that said, the decision to be made is a personal one.
 

clipperjunk

New Member
you shouldn't lay blame on yourself as it's a random event. this shouldn't also be a pro-life or pro-choice issue. it's purely about how you want to deal with it, you can't blame your in-laws or husband for being disappointed, it's natural. as a parent, it's already hard enough raising normal children, let alone one with medical concerns. personally, i would have the mrs terminate the pregnancy.
 

nichie

Member
Hi, pat

I am sorry to hear about your problem and just want to tell you that its nothing to ashamed of for having a DS kid and you still can be a great mother in the future.

Don’t feel guilty if you decided to terminate the pregnancy especially when he will not be welcome and loved. You are just relieving him from the pain and suffering to come in his life as DS kids are prone to have medical complications in their later life. Sometime when I looked at these kids, I wonder, do they really enjoy their life and aware of the things happening around them? Are they living in their own world? Do they feel lonely and an outcast? Its very sad to live such life…what type of quality of life we are giving them….it’s a punishment to them…why bring them to this world when you know they will be living under others sympathy, mercy and help for their whole life. They cannot express themselves but you can help to protect them from suffering. Its nobody fault and you are just doing the best for the baby.

Take care.
 
Having come from an extended family with not ONE but TWO family members with special needs, i would rather bite my teeth and suffer the agony of terminating the pregnancy than to bring the poor child to this world.

I can't imagine myself bringing a special need child to the brutality of this world. For i have witnessed by myself of all the hardship, suffering and burdens that comes along together, and unfortunately, also the insults of ignorant outsiders.

You've not failed as a mother, because you did think of lifelong issues should he be brought to this world. All these are very very realistic issues. If ultimately you decided to terminate the pregnancy, you're also doing your part as a mother to protect your child.
 

lostmumtb

New Member
Thanks all of you for your reply.

I have a discussion with my hubby yesterday and we try not to be too emotional about it. Beside the lifelong commitment in taking care of the kid, he still cannot accept his son to be a sub-normal person as compared to others. Before this, he was full of joy and prides for this boy, talking about all the things he will do with him and developing his potential, like all parents, he has high hopes for the boy. The news has brought him from heaven to hell, he just cannot accept a son he cannot proud of, doing all the things with him as a normal kid but will be score off by others. He is devasted. Its our first baby. It will be an uphill task to convince him to accept the kid.

Another problem is my pil/his parents. He is a businessman and loves his 'face' very much. He is always very proud of his 3 kids which smart and capable both in study and work. He can be quite snobbish sometimes. My hubby told me they will never able to accept our DS kid as their grandson and has been putting pressure on him. I know if I insist to keep this kid, it will change the whole dynamic of our relationship with them. My hubby is the eldest and most loved by his parents with high expectation.

From the time I know about the result, I knew its a forgone conclusion that I will not able to keep this kid. Like what I said previously, may be I am just looking for some support here to reduce my guilt and sin, protecting my baby from lifelong suffering. I do feel I am a lousy mother not able to protect my baby and going through hardship with him, I really do, I am sorry. Thank you all for reading and God bless.
 

powder

Active Member
1stly, since we're dealing with a life here... get a 2nd and 3rd opinion. Pls do...

the course of action for now may be obvious and u just need to deal with getting affirmation... years down the road, u might wish otherwise...

just get a 2nd Opinion at least... with a reputable Gynae.

i have seen docs prescribe or give not-so-accurate opinions to tell u that this is necessary. if u have gone thru a 2nd opinion, then i wish u strength in your eventual decsion.
 

clipperjunk

New Member
you shouldn't be beating yourself about not going through the hardship, a better mother is one who can make her children go through the best times and journey with them....
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Pat,

I agree with Powder that you should seek 2nd opinion with another Gynae.

If the 2nd Gynae's result is different from 1st Gynae, seek confirmation with 3rd Gynae.

Results :

2 Gynae : normal , 1 Gynae : DS = Keep BB
2 Gynae : DS , 1 Gynae : normal = some risk BB
3 Gynae : DS, 0 Gynae : normal = Very big risk BB

But when seeking other gynae, please been tactful that you don't reveal you have been to another gynae, if not the assessment may be skewed to the previous gynae or the gynae may take offence that you have been "Doctor-Hopping" around.

This kind of money cannot be saved as it concerns a life, your precious BB.

-------------------------------------------------

For me, I didn't even do a DS test on my BB because my Gynae said no need to do since my hubby and I are able to accept a DS baby.

I really can't bear to kill my child and I have seen DS children growing up happily with their parents, I'm sure I will be able to handle with my hubby's support.

But then again, my hubby is working in the healthcare sector and is of compassionate nature so the situation may be different from you.

P.S : Don't laugh at me but the moment I gave birth, the 1st thing I see is not how cute BB is but whether she has all the fingers and toes, any cleft palate or abnormalities etc.

Throughout my 9mths pregnacy, sometimes I will have this fear that my BB may be abnormal because Ultrasound is not definitely accurate and Gynae may not be able to detect eveything.
Utill BB is out, then I'm at ease.

This is every Mummy's Fear but I just have to accept and deal with them.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Pat,

Ultrasound measuring of BB's neck can do a few times but if Amniotic fluid is taken for testing, cannot do too many times, there is a danger of miscarriage. Please confirm with Gynae about the above.

I think being honest with all the gynaes is the best but be prepared to get a bit of "scolding" from them for doing repeated tests already done by their colleagues.
 

matka

Member
Albee, if I may hazard a guess... occupational hazard's the reason why you count the digits first? That's what my hb did in the delivery room too.
 

simpleman

Active Member
I would have assumed that she had done the tests conclusively - either Amniocentesis or CVS. But if confirmed by either it is almost 99% accurate.

So second opinion is almost redundant.

Otherwise initial blood test is just indicative of risks.. high-resolution US can detect potential markers but non-conclusive. In this instance, 2nd opinion is definitely relevant
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Pat,

Do you have any relatives or friends working in the healthcare sector?
They can advise your hubby and PIL.

I have worked with DS children, autistic children etc. With love and patience, they can grow up to be well-adjusted happy children.

However as they grow up, they may have greater strength than you. They may have violent tantrums and may destroy things in the house at times and may hurt you or themselves.

I often have parents of DS BB expressing their fear should they pass away earlier than their BB.

Who will look after him? Often they hope their BB's normal siblings will take care of him.

If not, the last resort will be the welfare state which they hope will not be the case.
 

lostmumtb

New Member
Hi

Thanks for the suggestion. I did went through an amniocentesis and has a second opinion. The result is the same. My hubby wanted a third opinion but I stopped him. I don't want to go through the anxiety of waiting for the result, looking at my baby on the screen and disappointment after disappointment. The doctor told us this test is very accurate by detecting an extra gene at the chromosome.

Every thing will be over by next week. This whole event is just like a horrible bad dream for me.

Thanks all for your encouragement.
 

wob8ly

New Member
hello. i used to know a family who had a daughter with ds..it is not the end.. stay strong.. are your christian? there is this youth group made for families with children with special abilities..its called faith and light.. i used to help out as a volunteer a few years back and i've seen how they have helped supported a family and the special children as a whole.. should you decide to keep the baby..dont think about what the child cant do..bt what they can do..
 

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