Will you believe him again?


New Member

i felt an affinity to you because you were so open with your emotions and so vulnerable. you reminded me of a time when my world was turned upside down.

i met a lot of hardship when i first left school and joined the workforce. the world was still reeling from the New York 911 event and jobs were scarce at that time. i found myself struggling. to add to that, my mother incurred gambling losses which i had to help shoulder part of.

imagine a young girl, fresh on graduation, the world crumbling at her feet. i withdrew my meagre savings at that time to help my mother.

in the meantime, work was bad. i found myself targeted by a group of ladies at work who devised a plot to bully me. humiliated and heartbroken, i left that job and ventured into MLM.

at my lowest point, i had less than S$100 to my name. i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown because nothing seemed right. family was a burden, no career to speak of. needless to say, that MLM venture turned out to be a failure.

i lost my friends because i drove them away with my insecurity and paranoia. during my worst times, i would be stricken by panic. panic that somehow the roof would collapse on my head or the ground beneath me would give way. i was 22, desperate and fearful. i did not understand what was happening to me. i considered myself above average in intellect and appearance. i could not accept that i had no money, no job, no friends and no prospects. i was losing hope rapidly.

i was close to suicide at several points. once i sat at the jetty during nightfall telling myself that when the minute hand reached a point, i would jump. i stared at a bottle of pills and wanted to overdose. i would wake up in the morning, dreading and mourning within, unsure of what the future held.

that was 8 years ago.

looking back now, i realised that i was stupid to lose hope and heart so easily, to become manic-depressive. if only i would encourage myself gently. if only i had persevered more patiently and stoically. if only i had been more optimistic. i would have spared myself all those unnecessary misery. i would have made better plans and strategised more rationally.

if ONLY, if ONLY - i had known that everything was going to be alright.

i see myself in you. the wallowing in misery. the feeling sorry for oneself. that is why i wanted to help you. i feel for you, even though we are strangers.

you come across as a negative person. you have most probably been this way even before the fall-out with your husband. you have a Victims' Complex and a Matyr's Complex. you seem to revel in viewing yourself as the wronged party, the sacrificial one. you seem to enjoy seeing yourself as powerless.

but at the same time, you are so moral-minded. you expect kindness and fairness from the world. it drives you crazy that this expectation is not fulfilled.

do you remember a recent tragedy in Ang Mo Kio? A young father killed his children before committing suicide in front of dozens of his neighbours, triggered by conflicts with his wife.

at the rate you are going, the emotional and mental torment that you are clearly suffering, you seemed to be on the highway to devastation.

you need HELP.

i would strongly recommend that you visit a mental health professional. you cannot continue in this way. even if you do not go crazy, it will murder you from within.

curiously, happiness is not a strong incentive for you. you do not seem to court it actively and enthusiastically. i wonder why. have you always been like this?

i see my reflection in you. how i wish that 8 years ago, someone had given me good advice to wake me up, so that i could minimise the unneccessary struggle.


New Member

ur hb is juz tryin to buy time. it is going to be a neverending drama where it will drag and drag, and still no end to it.

i still think u should consider moving out with ur child for the time being. in a way, ur hb is procrastinating. because of all the things that are happening, he finds it difficult to be firm to make the difficult decision to commit to family and ignore the TOW.

i believe he knows he has a lot to lose by losing u and the child, but he is also afraid of what can happen to the TOW due to threats. so to "force" him to decide in a clear state of mind, both of u should live separately for a while.


Active Member
In instances of affairs, there are only 2 scenarios that can be played out.

Either reconcile 100% or separate.. there is no half-measures. Half-measures like a fake marriage can only bring more pain.

But I guess all our words are going to fall on deaf ears. I don't think she is receptive at all to any more words of advices.


New Member
Hope, since you've decided very firmly, that you want your family for now but will not want your HB in few years time, then you seriously need to control that pek chekness in you when he goes to TOW for now, till you dump him.

There is nothing else you can do. You can't control him beliving TOW lies or whatever. You can't control TOW's actions. You just have to rough it out and learn to become immune to all these stuff that cause you to be pek chek.

I wouldn't want this kind of choice if I'm you. But since you've decided, you just have to live with it and manage your emotions.

All the best.


Active Member
å¯æ˜¯é¢å¯¹ä¸€ä¸ªä½ è¿žå¿ƒéƒ½æŒ½å›žä¸äº†çš„人,你认为这份希翼会在你的执æ„固守中实现å—?

åšäººæœ€æ„šè ¢çš„就是把自己托付给别人
期待上天能怜悯你,望那人会é‡å›žä½ æ€€æŠ±
连最起ç çš„尊严都丧失掉ï¼

你干脆改åå«â€œæ— æœ›â€å¥½äº†

è¦æ”¹ä¸€æ”¹ä½ çš„个性ï¼
我想你那çªå›ŠåºŸè€å…¬ä¹Ÿæ˜¯åœ¨å¿å—ä½ å§ï¼Ÿ
他很pek chek但是他现在需è¦ä½ ã€‚。。
等你一没有利用价值了æžä¸å¥½ä¼šä¸€è„šæŠŠä½ è¸¹å¼€ï¼

难得人家跟你éžäº²éžæ•…素未谋é¢è¿˜è‚¯ç»™ä½ å»ºè¨€ï¼Œ
我想大概è¦ç­‰æ²¡äººç†ä½ æ—¶ï¼Œä½ æ‰ä¼šçŸ¥é“什么å«äººæƒ…冷暖ï¼

ä½ è¦hugs and kisses是ä¸æ˜¯?
éš¾é“ä½ ä¸çŸ¥é“别人的åŠè¯«å°±æ˜¯ç»™ä½ æœ€æ¸©æš–的拥抱?


结果已年åŽè€åŽ»ï¼Œå±±ç©·æ°´å°½ —— 很值得你借镜

如果这样也åŠä¸é†’你,then I guess u will hv to learn it the HARD way… and it’s gonna be very very HARD.


New Member
Hi Hope,

May is right. I have been reading your post carefully. You show symptoms of mental/psychological distressed that can only be helped through from professionals. You have to take care of your mental/psychological well being first before tackling your problem =)

Visiting a psychologist can help u in 2 ways. He could address your mental/psychological health and also prescribe drugs that could calm you down, rest well and better cope and analyse your situation.

I myself have went been on a rehab program for a year in the past. Yeah, thought I was strong but then the lose of sleep, nervousness, high blood pressure (burst my blood vessel in my eyes even), almost kenna knock down by car crossing the road etc etc. Just the med alone certainly helped a lot though it had some side effect. Your mind and personality may take the pressure but your body and mind have a limit. So nothing to feel embarress about seeking help.

My first wife came from a family where the mum divorce her dad after she became independent. And constantly barrage her with ideas that she stayed in the marriage only because of wanting to give them a complete home etc etc.

She was deeply affected by it. Always felt guilty and the idea implanted by her alienate her from her dad.

When we got married, she is paronoid to the extent, that she choose divorce at the first sight of trouble. V trival trouble in fact. Was just about some trival quarrels. Her logic? "I don't wan to be like mum. Better divorce rather than if we have child later on".

It's crazy. But I guess she was v affected by her parents. I know she have never been stable mentally even in courtship but I still chose to go the way then.

Thus, I agree with the other forumer. Your idea may not be the best. I can't say what is good or bad cause I'm not sure myself. Just to share my story and experience with you for more info...


New Member
All journey on a straight road, will often come to a choice of going left or right. It's either the choice of going left, or going right. Nothing in between. As for you my dear, your choice is in between.

By saying this out. You are staying in a marriage for the sake of your daughter. That is wrong. You are not staying in a marriage for her sake. You are staying cos you hope that your man will return. Your gal doesn't need him at all. She need a mother. What makes you think that with your hubby in the home, will make it complete? Does it seemed complete, when mother is attempting to ignore the father, and when the father is looking outwards to external affair? Complete? Healthy?

If you deemed this as noble, I can tell you, you are being selfish. Cos, the core for your current move is because, you are still waiting for him.

Once again, I share with you another scenario during the affair period. Father often isn't at home with us, myself and the little ones. It does seemed incomplete, but I still managed to bring them around on my own, giving them fun and pleasurable time. One day, after his rendevous outside, daddy came home and see mummy and the boys in the room having a great time in pyjamas, and having pillow fight. Daddy immediately jumped in and changed his PJ and attempted to join in the fun. And here's what my boys said:

'Daddy, you don't have to join us. You are busy, continue with your work. It's ok, we still have mummy here with us.'
<font color="ff0000"><font size="-2">P/S: During the time he's away from home to be with her, my explanation to my kids is always, daddy is busy at work.</font></font>

It made me understand deeply. Sometimes, kids don't need a complete family to have a healthy upbringing. What they need is a happy family, be it only with mummy/daddy, they still can have a healthy upbringing.

You seriously do have a useless husband. Sorry to rub in this salt to your wound. He is also like you, trying to look for the in between route, hoping to seek a compromise among the both of you, never giving a firm direction of his going left or right. That is why, many had labelled you as useless now. Cos of the endless excuse, even up to the point of bringing your daughter into the picture, just to 'TRY' to convince people that you are only trying to do the best for your gal.

Recently, there's another role model whom I can point out to.... The Malaysia Millionaire whom got murdered. She divorced her man when she had 6 kids in tow. But that doesn't make her to hesitate to leave her man when things go wrong. She did great by bringing them up and eventually, giving them a comfortable and rich life. What I read is, the ex-husband was still in her life, but as a friend. The kids are well. I don't see any problems in them? What makes it so important to have a marriage in order to bring up the kids? Have you moved along with time? Or are you still back-dated?

Best wishes to you.


Active Member
I don't know if you guys notice.. but throughout this thread in in her earlier threads, hope never address the issue that staying in the marriage is good/bad for her daughter.

She never said why staying married is good for her daughter. We told her it is not good for her daughter. We told her getting divorce may be better for her daughter.

But so just said - she will divorce when daughter is older and wants it. Isn't it just pushing everything to daughter? Lack of parental responsibility? what is love? What is good for the daughter?

It is all a mask she is using.. But she will keep denying.. saying that she 'bo chup' her hb and yet, times and times again, she will say hb gives hope/hopeless and about TOW.

If it is for her daughter.. for heaven sake, at least tell us why it is good for the daughter to stay in such a marriage? Complete family? What is complete family when father still has a woman outside.. and no love between father and mother? What so complete?

Are you listening?


New Member
Agreed!! That's precisely why I can't get the whole and overall point at all....

What is so nice when the daughter might eventually still "lose" a father yrs later? What is so nice when the whole "FAMILY" doesn't communicate in the aspect that the Mummy is IGNORING the Daddy... what is so good about having a family whereby it isn't blissful? Children regardless of their age can feel and sense that something isn't right, they know what is happening too.


New Member

but we should be sensitive at this point also. It is important for Hope to be well on the mental and psychological aspect first, before she's capable of making rational judgement.

We all have a tendency of wanting to keep things that are important to us intact. And what is more important to us than family?

It's a major decision. Make sure you have considered all aspect before you make it. And make sure you are at a right state of mind and health before you make that decision.


New Member
I don't know about other ppl but I was really crazy and out of my norm and it took a while for me to think clearly and sort out the mess.

It takes time. At this moment I think ppl need some encouragement and avenue to let out their energy.

There's stages to such things.


New Member
The person has to admit or know that there isn't something right with him or her in order to be willing to seek or undergo "treatment"?


New Member
sm, don't waste your time typing anymore. I bet she doesn't even know what she wants. Once TOW makes some threats again, she will come back here and lament all day long.

the biggest victim here is her daughter. poor thing.


New Member
Have this feeling that she doesnt really want to divorce her hubby and just using her daughter as an excuse to buy time and HOPE that hubby will ultimately leave TOW.


New Member
but if hope is not backed up by substance then it is wishful thinking.

i think for an estranged couple to fall in love (again), the attraction must be there.

for a woman to be attractive to her husband again, she should have a positive, upbeat spirit. Positivity plays a huge part in charm


New Member
Positivity plays a huge part in charm = confidence is another add on factor.


Active Member
at least more obvious now... as to why i whack her when she post to advise other ladies in similar scenarios.

classic case of denial so deep, and using all sorts of excuses to clutch onto straws.


Active Member
hey hey, it is very obvious all the while..

As I said, epitome of self-denial..

If don't recognize a problem.. how to solve it?


Active Member
some dun, and when u're almost there... some women will come and do the sayang part.

as Al Pacino said in The Godfather Part 3... something like "just when i think i'm out... they pull me right back in!"

seriously man... to hell with all these ladies hugging and hugging, and keeping each other in misery. fcuking disservice to the family.


New Member
we should not console to reinforce helpless behaviour.

this is called tough love.

if a person cannot even face up to tough love on the internet, i do not know how she will cope in real life


New Member
Tough love. If ppl go jump how? =p

Telling ppl to break up their own family ley. Life changing matter u know. How to accept easily esp with all the confusion and emotion?

I don't think we as outsider can really advise whether is right to stay or break.


Active Member

"I don't think we as outsider can really advise whether is right to stay or break."

Then people post for what? to rant and talk cock? Not for advices?

Then like sammyboy, call this "talk-cock" forum instead of matters of the heart.


New Member
tough love that preaches message of self-help and self-improvement.

i think every single reply here embodies a spirit of striving towards happiness. the suggested solutions may sound hard to do but the aspiration for a better life is self-evident.

that's why stanzza:

Tough love. If ppl go jump how? =p

i dont think so ...


New Member
Dear All
Ok, it's my fault. I should not post here. Trying to contact moderator to delete my posts again but to no avail. OK, I can't take criticism. So will stop posting and stop reading. You all don't need to be bothered with me anymore.



Active Member

in such case our PM no need to speak, newpapers no need to report, the whole world should just stop communicating.

since outsiders cannot really advise, then everything keep insider.

what are u doing here then? 99% of the pple here are outsider to u right?

i can see this point if u're talking abt whether i should remove that mole on my face or the foreskin from my penis. But this isn't abt those, it's abt viewpoints to have progress n improvement in the only fcuking life we have.

why the hell did u ever need to ask anything when u can have the world according to Stanzza?


Active Member
anyway stanzza,

seems u're pretty ok with lousy guys and good for nothing guys. your focus is rather biased in a pretty bad way...


Active Member

why need to delete the posts or thread?

is that how u handle things? just delete, go back, forget, erase from memory?

the stuff put up in this thread can help genuine cases of pple who really wanna do more than whine n vent, so leaving it as it is Is actually better. anyway nobody knows who u are and u are not affected. or should i say bothered...

life goes on. just take good care of your daughter...


Well-Known Member
let me share with you about my MIL.

she is a a traditional housewife that spent some 60 yrs being a homemaker. Often, she comes and complain to us how stress and tiring it is to cook for us and needing to tailor to specific needs of each person. She nags at BIL all the time for his son is studying in sgp and now staying with us.

This is her entire world. Everyday, she stresses herself doing chores that no one forces her to. When we got a maid for her, she go on and on about how stress it is to train and monitor the maid. We installed a CCTV. Still, the complain doesn't end. Everytime we buy food back, she will tell us that she is so sorry to us. So poor thing, need to buy food back after work. blah blah blah.

For so many times, my wife got so fed up with her. When even told straight on her face, MIL will then say its all her fault. She is wrong. She shouldn't have worry this or that. After letting her calm down, she will insist on doing them still.

Fact is... she needs it. Its so much in her hardwire till its all instinctive. She just doesn't realize it. Hope seems to belong to that era. Nothing can change her.

For my MIL, all we do is really keep her happy and help her as much as possible. Not even sure how many more yrs she has. Cannot expect her to change. I just be home for dinner as much as possible and always complement her cooking. Motivate and encourage her and keep assuring her that she did a good job.

Hope has a long long walk still. Is she going to be stuck with this kind of frozen auntie thinking??


New Member
TS: it is not your fault for posting the threads here. It is your mindset that is causing all these problems, if you realise that?

Will it help things by taking off the posts? The reality remains, and shall be here so long you don't allow yourself to step out of it?


New Member
I read this thread until I'm getting a headache. All the forummers are advising Hope with great concern on our part. Be it whether we agree with one another or not, we do hope that Hope progress with her life. But then, Hope, are you getting it? If you're decided on progressing/divorcing your hb, be it whether he's useless or not, please go ahead. Stop looking back, and bouncing back and forth, you aren't gonna move ahead in this way.

A question: Do you think you are going to live forever? Please, make a decision, move on and live. Don't dwell. Life's short.

Someone just passed away very recently, hence more emo over here....


Active Member
Hope, if you are still reading.....

My dad passed away very suddenly 2.5 years ago, that was about 1.5 years after I had moved back to live with him and my mom. You know, my divorce was the best gift ever to him because I was so unhappy for the whole duration of my marriage, that I was unable to be the same daughter I used to be.

When you are unhappy, you cannot bring happiness to anyone - your daughter and your own family.


New Member
thomas: yes i do agree this is public forum and everyone have rights to comment. But have u ever consider Hope's emotion right now? It's driving her crazy. And yes, u do have the right to be posting logical and very truthful and kind advices which actually I agree with u TOTALLY but to Hope, all words seems to be stabbing her at moment. Not trying to make enemies here with u, but just to share with u how i feel about comments towards Hope.

powder: no offence! i shouldn't used "rub salt into wound" actually not appropriate, i should say try to be slightly kinder to Hope.

Well.. i don't have loved one who's a drug addict, i will never know what i will do, give money or not... but you cannot judge what i will do as well plus ppl change over time. Rather prefer keep an open mindset towards this!

E.g. I used to tell people, if my hb cheat on me, off he goes, but now, i really reached deep into my heart and understand the depth of my feelings for him. No right, no wrong here. Just decision to make me a happy person, be it silly or not, as long as i feel that my life is fulfilled.

Just think about it... all of us do stupid things at some point of time. Can anyone tell me he/she has never done anything to feel silly about?

I do agree that Hope seems to be going round and round (though i seldom read her post so i dunno what she have posted previously). But this is all part and parcel of the process. Actually I think Hope does wants a full reconciliation with her hb but her hb is not sincere. But I'm just guessing, i'm not her, i won't know.

I'm not siding Hope for her nonsensical comments (sorry hope, i have been nonsensical too), but i understand that all she wants is some venting outlet and she is vulnerable at the moment. I don't want to pity her, don't want to tell her off too... I just hope that she is happy with whatever decision she makes and sees the kind advises you ALL have given and finally realise how she should proceed.


New Member

you can't just work or live among the best ppl. The truth is we have all kinds of ppl in society.

Also, not v fair to say other ppl is lousy or good for nothing just because they dun meet up with your personal standard rgt?


New Member

take some time out and think before u decide. u say u want ur husband to commit to family and ignore TOW. then u say u want to stay in marriage and then a few years later divorce ur husband.

one qn is, why shd he commit to someone who is going to dump him in a few years?

he has committed adultery, it's a fact. u can choose to divorce him, but since u say u want to choose to stay with him, shdn't u give him the same commitment too?

put yourself in his shoes, one man say he willing to die for u, another man said "i need u to help me bring up daughter. after she grow up, i will kick u aside."

which one will u commit to?

Hope, i am not saying this to hurt u because u already hurt enough. juz trying point to u that ur plan don't make sense. pls tink through it again carefully.

if u wan to leave, leave. don't be afraid for ur daugher. she will be fine. if u don't want to leave, stay and show commitment to forgive ur husband, like other women on this forum did for their marriage.


New Member
hope, my advise.. leave him and move on.. don keep living in constant reminder of wat happen and be afraid tat it will happen again.. wat i think is 'wat will happen will happen' and ' wat have happen will happen again'.. think of ur daughter and move on, ur daughter will b sad this one time and b happy for the rest of her childhood time or b unhappy forever(or till the time u reali decide to divorce) by then she will b crying and telling u not to divorce etc.. harmful to her and affecting ur decision.. Not tat i m encouraging u to divorce but if divorce is ur decision den make it early.. jus my humble opinion..


Well-Known Member
Not really. She is just another typical housewife. Stress or not, its dependent on how we cope with it. Its not difficult to please her. At least she is not demanding me to upgrade car and housing as ChocolateLai's MIL.