hope,
i felt an affinity to you because you were so open with your emotions and so vulnerable. you reminded me of a time when my world was turned upside down.
i met a lot of hardship when i first left school and joined the workforce. the world was still reeling from the New York 911 event and jobs were scarce at that time. i found myself struggling. to add to that, my mother incurred gambling losses which i had to help shoulder part of.
imagine a young girl, fresh on graduation, the world crumbling at her feet. i withdrew my meagre savings at that time to help my mother.
in the meantime, work was bad. i found myself targeted by a group of ladies at work who devised a plot to bully me. humiliated and heartbroken, i left that job and ventured into MLM.
at my lowest point, i had less than S$100 to my name. i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown because nothing seemed right. family was a burden, no career to speak of. needless to say, that MLM venture turned out to be a failure.
i lost my friends because i drove them away with my insecurity and paranoia. during my worst times, i would be stricken by panic. panic that somehow the roof would collapse on my head or the ground beneath me would give way. i was 22, desperate and fearful. i did not understand what was happening to me. i considered myself above average in intellect and appearance. i could not accept that i had no money, no job, no friends and no prospects. i was losing hope rapidly.
i was close to suicide at several points. once i sat at the jetty during nightfall telling myself that when the minute hand reached a point, i would jump. i stared at a bottle of pills and wanted to overdose. i would wake up in the morning, dreading and mourning within, unsure of what the future held.
that was 8 years ago.
looking back now, i realised that i was stupid to lose hope and heart so easily, to become manic-depressive. if only i would encourage myself gently. if only i had persevered more patiently and stoically. if only i had been more optimistic. i would have spared myself all those unnecessary misery. i would have made better plans and strategised more rationally.
if ONLY, if ONLY - i had known that everything was going to be alright.
i see myself in you. the wallowing in misery. the feeling sorry for oneself. that is why i wanted to help you. i feel for you, even though we are strangers.
you come across as a negative person. you have most probably been this way even before the fall-out with your husband. you have a Victims' Complex and a Matyr's Complex. you seem to revel in viewing yourself as the wronged party, the sacrificial one. you seem to enjoy seeing yourself as powerless.
but at the same time, you are so moral-minded. you expect kindness and fairness from the world. it drives you crazy that this expectation is not fulfilled.
do you remember a recent tragedy in Ang Mo Kio? A young father killed his children before committing suicide in front of dozens of his neighbours, triggered by conflicts with his wife.
at the rate you are going, the emotional and mental torment that you are clearly suffering, you seemed to be on the highway to devastation.
you need HELP.
i would strongly recommend that you visit a mental health professional. you cannot continue in this way. even if you do not go crazy, it will murder you from within.
curiously, happiness is not a strong incentive for you. you do not seem to court it actively and enthusiastically. i wonder why. have you always been like this?
i see my reflection in you. how i wish that 8 years ago, someone had given me good advice to wake me up, so that i could minimise the unneccessary struggle.
i felt an affinity to you because you were so open with your emotions and so vulnerable. you reminded me of a time when my world was turned upside down.
i met a lot of hardship when i first left school and joined the workforce. the world was still reeling from the New York 911 event and jobs were scarce at that time. i found myself struggling. to add to that, my mother incurred gambling losses which i had to help shoulder part of.
imagine a young girl, fresh on graduation, the world crumbling at her feet. i withdrew my meagre savings at that time to help my mother.
in the meantime, work was bad. i found myself targeted by a group of ladies at work who devised a plot to bully me. humiliated and heartbroken, i left that job and ventured into MLM.
at my lowest point, i had less than S$100 to my name. i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown because nothing seemed right. family was a burden, no career to speak of. needless to say, that MLM venture turned out to be a failure.
i lost my friends because i drove them away with my insecurity and paranoia. during my worst times, i would be stricken by panic. panic that somehow the roof would collapse on my head or the ground beneath me would give way. i was 22, desperate and fearful. i did not understand what was happening to me. i considered myself above average in intellect and appearance. i could not accept that i had no money, no job, no friends and no prospects. i was losing hope rapidly.
i was close to suicide at several points. once i sat at the jetty during nightfall telling myself that when the minute hand reached a point, i would jump. i stared at a bottle of pills and wanted to overdose. i would wake up in the morning, dreading and mourning within, unsure of what the future held.
that was 8 years ago.
looking back now, i realised that i was stupid to lose hope and heart so easily, to become manic-depressive. if only i would encourage myself gently. if only i had persevered more patiently and stoically. if only i had been more optimistic. i would have spared myself all those unnecessary misery. i would have made better plans and strategised more rationally.
if ONLY, if ONLY - i had known that everything was going to be alright.
i see myself in you. the wallowing in misery. the feeling sorry for oneself. that is why i wanted to help you. i feel for you, even though we are strangers.
you come across as a negative person. you have most probably been this way even before the fall-out with your husband. you have a Victims' Complex and a Matyr's Complex. you seem to revel in viewing yourself as the wronged party, the sacrificial one. you seem to enjoy seeing yourself as powerless.
but at the same time, you are so moral-minded. you expect kindness and fairness from the world. it drives you crazy that this expectation is not fulfilled.
do you remember a recent tragedy in Ang Mo Kio? A young father killed his children before committing suicide in front of dozens of his neighbours, triggered by conflicts with his wife.
at the rate you are going, the emotional and mental torment that you are clearly suffering, you seemed to be on the highway to devastation.
you need HELP.
i would strongly recommend that you visit a mental health professional. you cannot continue in this way. even if you do not go crazy, it will murder you from within.
curiously, happiness is not a strong incentive for you. you do not seem to court it actively and enthusiastically. i wonder why. have you always been like this?
i see my reflection in you. how i wish that 8 years ago, someone had given me good advice to wake me up, so that i could minimise the unneccessary struggle.
