Will you believe him again?

[kittenpie]

we can never live normal life

=================================================

yes, not after your HB reveals his true ugly colours. you will never look at him the same way again so a normal life is out of the question. TOW is a peripheral problem, bad character of HB is the key problem.


=================================================
she threatens so as to destroy our family.
=================================================

don't attribute all the blame to her and downplay your HB's role in this. you only pay lip service when assigning the blame to your HB.


===============================================
should I divorce and satisfy TOW's intention? Why should I sacrifice my family just because of her threat?

===============================================

your speech gives you away, revealing your true attitude. you perceive your family members as if you own them. stop being so possessive towards your HB and daughter.

whether your family splits or stays together is not entirely up to you. even if your HB pays lip service saying he will stay, it doesn't count if his behaviour demonstrates otherwise. you don't have the entire say in this matter, it will be a joint decision between your HB and you. isn't it quite presumptuous of you to use the words, "sacrifice my family", as if you are the puppet-master and your family members are your puppets.

"satisfy" the TOW's intention? you are foolish to think that by making yourself suffer you can make the TOW suffer. you are getting the logic wrong.

also, you have a very poor level of understanding of human behaviour. like others have mentioned here, TOW is motivated out of crazed obsession over your HB, not motivated by you. so why do you keep phrasing it as if her underlying intention is to ruin you?

or is it that you are so self-centred that everything that happens in your life is BECAUSE of you?

are you aware that in psychological studies such egocentricity is unique to toddlers and infants? you mean you have not evolved beyond this stage?

take this experience as a test and try to develop some real maturity for your own good as well as your daughter's.

 

[miloice]

So, back to my initial question... WHAT IS SO CONFUSING? Since you are ignore your useless husband and focusing on your own life, there is no confusion.

Or are you that kind of person that lament for the sake of lamenting. Making stupid remarks of self-pity when you already know your situation and doing what is needed to get on with your life.

 

[small_wish]

Thomas
I will divorce one day when daughter does not need him, not now. Definitely not now, when I will fall in TOW's trap if we divorce now. Yes, divorce one day cos' this is what I want, but not now.

Milo
Am I firm now?

Dear All
I know my decision but it is hard to endure till the day I can divorce. That's why I am ranting in this thread now, cos' I am going crazy soon over my this decision. Sorry for my irritation.

 

[vios]

Hope

it's funny, bcos you want the family (him + daughter) but seems like you're not making it happen either.

so don't assume that it's only due to TOW's threats. it could well be your pride and the resulting super-cold treatment that prevents you guys from working things out.

 

[miloice]

Just answer, WHAT IS SO SIAN AND CONFUSING?

 

[kittenpie]

Thomas
I will divorce one day when daughter does not need him, not now. Definitely not now, when I will fall in TOW's trap if we divorce now. Yes, divorce one day cos' this is what I want, but not now.

================================================

why NOT NOW?

 

[small_wish]

Milo
Ok ok, I will ignore him and live my own life, no confusion.

Just venting frustration cos' I am going crazy soon with a man I treat like invisible at home, can? Really just an outlet for me to vent, instead of telling my mums and my sis. Thanks all for enduring with my frustration.

 

[miloice]

It need not be now. Just don't flip flop and come saying you r trying to rebuild but cannot trust him and TOW threat blah blah blah....
All these doesn't change a bit or make it any confusing to your plan.

The only really obvious reason why it is confusing is what I have been telling you. You stubbornly insist that you know the answer but in actual fact, u bullshit yourself all the while just to stick to the useless marriage.

Ask yourself, why would it make you go crazy? The reason is simple. You just refuse to admit it. You can be immune to his shit. CLOSE YOUR HEART.

Let me remind u of what you said :
"I want my family, irregardless of whether hb loves me or not, I don't care."

If you truly do not care, there will be no need to rant and go crazy with an idiot u want to move away from.

 

[powder]

Hope,

He sounds sincere to want to stay BECOS the he cannot afford to Not Stay. he no money to pay u alimony nor support daughter, and he prob doesn't have a shelter over his head. so he better be sincere in staying... i doubt it has anything to do with u or kiddo. judging by what has transpired... it is obviously for Himself.

and being the blameless husband that he is, where debts is becos he suay, std also becos he suay, then TOW cannot resist him... OBVIOUSLY TOW would stick to him and threaten suicide. he is so irristable and faultless, it's hard for any women not to fall for him and believe him, and die for him.

so far all u hear is His version, and u hear Your version. but both versions are Crap... one is the husband that mothers and grandmothers warn u against, one is a woman who is more handicapped than the physically-afflicted.

the only victim of the union here would be the kiddo.

Hope, anyway have u ever thought that Assuming TOW is crazy... by staying with your husband whom TOW wants so much and willing to kill herself over... HAVE u ever thought that your daughter's life is in danger if u stay? i mean... since the only one capable of taking life here is TOW, then wouldn't u and your daughter's life be in danger if u stay... rather than leave?

or maybe your husband will threaten suicide.

 

[small_wish]

vios
I did try to make it happen, didn't I try that's why my 1st threat trying to salvage the marriage? And I feel happy whenever I know of couple reconciliation. It really gives me hope.

I tried my best to be a wife, no nagging, message for him, make him coffee, do housework myself didn't ask him to do since he keeps claiming busy, helps daughter on her study, etc. No cold treatment then. I did try to salvage. We don't look like on the verge of family breakdown. As long as we don't talk about TOW.

But as TOW is still around, whenever the question of clean break with TOW is brought up, he is not firm. Now I know it is because of TOW's threats. He is scared that she really jumps.

 

[kittenpie]

Thomas
I will divorce one day when daughter does not need him, not now.

=============================================

you mean, once you divorce, your daughter will not need him anymore, you can kick him away from your daughter's life as if he never existed?

children will NEED their parents whether the parents are married or divorced, unless the parents abuse them.

so when you divorce him, you dont need him as a HB anymore, so you project this logic onto your daughter that divorce = she does not need him as a father anymore.

this is nonsensical.

there are so many twisted arguments here, no wonder you are going crazy.

pls seek a certified counsellor or a mental health professional immediately. i doubt your mind can survive this unscathed.

 

[miloice]

"It really gives me hope."

More flip flops. What are you hoping for since you didn't care and already accept the fact that you husband is hopelessly useless?

Look at your logic. It is illogical. Just like everything else you are saying here. One moment this another moment that. roti prata all the way.

 

[small_wish]

Stupid TOW to love such useless man, my only consolation.

powder
You believe she will commit suicide? If wants to commit suicide, why get angry when I reported police. She is a WP holder scared of running foul of the law here causing problems in working here. Only man will be soften by her threat. Isn't her threats crap?

 

[small_wish]

May
I mean when daughter is sensible to know what's going on, and willing to accept divorce. Then I will divorce. By then, she should be big enough to decide for herself. I didn't say I will kick him away from my daughter's life.

 

[miloice]

Plan your life to be aligned with your goals and not waiver with anything that comes along. You are one person that have no idea on what is the big picture and what it takes to see through it.

 

[vios]

Hope,

a vast majority of ppl is unable to stay sane in a pointless marriage for too long - invisible, ignoring etc - because it is too emotionally draining. and i believe you belong to this group as well.

since divorce is not an option to you, it's either you find the courage to step out of your misery and work things out with him slowly (since he has indicated that he still wants you and baby) - or at least, move out of the matrimonial house first.

 

[small_wish]

Milo
Ya, you are right. I should not hope. Time to change nick to "No Hope" already. How to change nick? Ya, I said lor, I am stupid to believe him again. Women tends to easily believe you know?

Ok, will continue to treat him as invisible. No more hope and no more flip flop.

 

[kittenpie]

May
I mean when daughter is sensible to know what's going on, and willing to accept divorce.

================================================

Hope, then you can seek ways to make her understand earlier rather than later.

if you do not have the skills to communicate this, you can get a counsellor to communicate to her.

she is of school-going age, she can be receptive to reason. do not underestimate her just because you have a limited mind.

at the rate you are going, suffering and hating and losing emotional control, i wont be surprised one day you set your house on fire killing all three of you. you think your suffering can make TOW suffer. nothing can be further from the truth.

 

[powder]

"I will divorce one day when daughter does not need him, not now. "

i have no idea Why your daughter would need him.... REALLY.

 

[miloice]

Vios, she is already determined to stay regardless for now. Which is why my advice for her is really steering her towards how to cope with a marriage like this. And not be affected by all the crap that is bound to come with a useless husband and a drama wife.

Until a day that she feels she cannot take it no more, then probably she would see the light of your advice.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi hope,

Since you are staying for daughter's sake, just be a happy family.

Even though it may seems a pretend but the pretend will become real after sometime.

And just ignore TOW and pretend she is not real and concentrate on your happy family.

Sometimes, Ignorance is bliss.

 

[small_wish]

Milo
Ok, I wake up now. Should not trust him anymore. Ya, I am soft also to believe him again and be disappointed again.

vios
I know, it's crazy and emotionally draining. That's why I turn to the forum to rant here. I really don't want to worry my family members. That's why I feel bad all of you have to read thru my shit again. But I am really going crazy, not sure how long I can hold on. Till the day I cannot tahan, maybe it's time for me to move out.

 

[miloice]

Hope, no... your hope should not be on something you give up on already. You should have hopes... your road ahead is a long one.

When he has proven to be so untrust worthy, u need to protect yourself from being hurt again. There is no confidence. The ball is in his court to make you think otherwise. Meanwhile, it is in your court to be affected by him or not.

I don't hope to strike 4D when I give up buying 4D. GET IT?

 

[small_wish]

Milo
Yes, until the day I cannot tahan anymore. I just have to continue to live a life like that and pardon me if I have to continue to rant in this forum. I will minimize my posting.

Really thanks to all. Lunch time now, don't bother about anything now. right? Go for lunch friends.

 

[newlife2010]

u call TOW BUT you are also stupid to hang on when u don't love him anymore.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Your decision is creating a lot of negative energy in you. Along the way you are letting the worse of your character come out as you harden your heart to endure the hardship. The longer you stay put it will take you even longer to move away if you even manage to move away eventually.

You are self destroying, Hope. I hope you are not letting your daughter have the father but lose the mother.

 

[miloice]

Hope, the purpose is not to stop you from rant. The intention is beyond the forum. It is really to help you be happy regardless how your marriage turns out.

 

[small_wish]

Milo
Ya, got hope, hope my daughter don't need him soon.

Hope I get to go round the world before I die. At least this I am not pure hoping. I am working hard on this. Ya, travel just with my daughter.

Thanks and cheers, all friends! I will wake up and not keep bothering you with same shit again and again. Else, don't know how many episodes of my drama. Have to finish the drama soon in order not to bore the audience.

 

[vios]

ya milo, wanted to steer in that same direction but i just thought that it wouldn't work for her personality - the ignoring and stuffs like that - nor does she wants to divorce mainly because of her daughter, and it seems like a long and winding road to make her understand that it shouldn't be.

it's either she 'helps' the hb to get over the TOW as absurb as it may seems. and of course, it takes time, requires alot more patience and support.

Or, gets a new recharge and be away from him to 'feel' the difference. def, this is more suited to her current state of mind.

 

[simpleman]

Hope,

Frankly speaking, it is not going to work. By you still in the marriage and then bo chap everything.

I have pointed out the getting out of the marriage is the right thing to do. I don't say it easily. Staying married in such a manner is not necessary good for your daughter. You don't seem to understand this point. You are just stubborn to think that it is best for your daughter.

You will continue to suffer and rant for the rest of your life.. in still such a mode.

Seriously don't ever think about how your divorce is what the TOW wants. That is their problem, not yours. Your focus should be your own life.. and not other people.

Seriously, even if you want to break them off - your hb and tow - the best way is to let them be together. File for divorce. Don't threaten to file. Do it. Either your hb will be scared that he will be determined to dump the TOW once and for all.. or you will lose him to her. Anyway, what is your hopeless hb for?

If you really want to break them - this is evil but it will work. But it may mean you will lose your hb. Anyway, it is not a lost as he is not yours to begin with. She has family? Friends here in SG? Get her family involved. Go to her company and make a scene (ha ha you have seen it in the movies). Or go to your hb's company and make a scene. It will be ugly. But it will work. It may mean your hb will then leave you - so much the better.

Don't be naive. Get your family to rally behind you. Don't fight this alone. You have no logic and know nothing about human behaviour to fight this.

I hope I am not stirring shit.. by asking you to make scenes.. yes, it is not going to be pretty.. but to you, what is there to lose? The part about asking you to make scenes is rhetoric..

You might as well end the marriage now.

Seriously, your wanting to stay in this marriage for your daughter is a bad idea. Your daughter will not appreciate it. You are destroying her life. If you love your daughter, don't bullshit anymore. Do something. The best thing you can do is to walk out of this marriage. It is the best thing you can do for your daughter in the circumstances.

 

[thommy]

To be honest I feel sad for their daughter. Imagine being stuck between a useless father and a hopeless mother who keeps lamenting about her fate all day long and YET refusing to do anything about it.

No wonder they say children are always the worst-hit when parents fall out.

 

[nylek]

hi all... i guess the best for her is to lend her a listening ear, give her kind advises and response instead of rubbing salt into wound?

Every single infidelity story is unique... Hope is stress out, angry, upset, disappointed etc with her hb... I think you all have given her very good advises which is really very logical but she's in no state to absorb all these... I'm a victim for 4 months and i feel the ups and downs mood swings several times a day, i feel insanity at times, and these feelings i believe are universal for all victims.

For me, when i post my story here, i don't want to feel pathetic, i don't want ppl to feel sorry for me, i don't want to have ppl telling me off, BUT i really appreciate kind response and ppl talkng to me and also to see the views of how people cope in such a situation. I know at times we speak silly, look silly, behave silly... but we can't help it... Maybe that's what Hope wants too, just a little bit of more understanding, care and concern.

 

[powder]

Nylek,

rubbing salt into wound?

lend a listening ear instead?

 

[thommy]

Nylek, I suggest you do a search here for all Hope's threads, read through all the exchanges and then come and tell us whether we've been listening to her, giving her advice or just rubbing salt into her wound.

If only want to hear all the good things, please don't post in a public forum.

 

[fugitlah]

HI Hope,

If you really bo chup your hubby and the marriage, y do u bother abt TOW and claiming you do not want to divorce coz it will mean she has won by breaking you guys up?
If TOW wants a rotten apple, by all means give it to her. End of day, u are the WINNER!

 

[lovingyou]

Why will there be such title when you had chosen to bo chap him? There won't be turmoil in the emotions if you really know what you want and looking for.

 

[simpleman]

littlewoman,

Hope is the epitome of self-denial.. it is very evident. She can say one thing but mean another.

 

[lovingyou]

It appears that the more she says that she doesn't bother about her husband, the more 痛苦 she is?

Hope, try to get a hold of yourself, gain back control in your life, you will make better decisions in this way.

 

[small_wish]

don't understand why so many ppl especially men can be so super hurting. Not as if I ask you all must read my posts. You can ignore when you see my name.

 

[small_wish]

I am firm in what I want, I have always said that. No flip flop, no roti prata, no self-denial. Don't know why you guys keep saying this. I know I want my family for now, but will not want hb in few years' time. My stand is firm, just that I am very affected by my super no use hb for falling into TOW's trick and giving me loads of lies again and again. So I super don't trust him. What's wrong with this?

You mean you can easily trust your spouse if he/she has affairs?

I don't ask for pity, I don't ask those who detest me to read my posts. So what problems do you have? Isn't this free forum that anyone can register and post? I don't know why I am constantly under target. I am already very pek che, reading some of your posts make me more pek che. My hb goes look for sex with TOW cos' he is pek che, so don't know whether I should do likewise since I even more super pek che for his stupid affair resulting in me under constant attack. I just need some outlet to release pressure, not inviting more people to add to my pek cheness. Why you people like that I don't understand?

 

[small_wish]

I apologise numerous time to those who get irritated by my posts and also appeal to ignore me if you are so irritated. I have gone to the extent to ask moderator to delete all my posts in all threads in order not to cause so much irritation to you guys. But didn't see that being done. Anyone knows how to get moderator to delete posts? I thought someone manage moderator to delete Scope's posts before? Can help to get moderator to delete all my posts also?

 

[miloice]

Hope, hope... u r not running some miss personality pagent. You don't need to be well liked by all!

You are so super firm till a point you keep contradicting yourself. No matter how stubbornly you denial it, you are shooting yourself with your own conflicting views. I'm not going to change a tune and tell you lies. The next time you denial that again, ask yourself, what is so damn confusing about then? You acknowledge that yourself that you need to stop being affected by him to move on. DO JUST THAT.

Lastly, why target men suddenly? May, doll and littlewoman are not men. They too point out your issues.

 

[kittenpie]

Hope,

why is it you dont think that our comments are helpful?

to tell you the truth, i thought about your case deeply last night, before i typed out the response which took me 20 min.

i was careful to write only what i think is constructive?

why are you not appreciative?

 

[simpleman]

No. Your old posts did not irritate me. You think we so free to dig out the old posts?

I guess you are pretty stubborn and refuse to see things from other perspective.

As you said, this is a free forum. Whoever can post, others can reply. You can't control that. If you don't like to hear 'hurting' words - don't post.

Who wants to target you? You attracted many people to posts because we can see things that you don't. If you just want to rant.. I suggest you write a blog.. then you can deny other people comments or delete anything you want.

For heaven sake, don't talk about HB (hopeless as you put it) and TOW anymore. Just like a broken recorder that keeps repeating.

Sorry, if these words hurt you. It is for your own good.. like what you think is good for your daughter. I wish I really know you and can give you two slaps to wake up..

You can't even handle people on the forum.. no wonder you can't handle your hb or the TOW. Think about it. What sort of role model can you give your daughter..

 

[miloice]

To accuse the very people that are trying to help you get out of your vicious misery... that is so uncalled for.

Take sometime to calm down and think properly. Stop blaming your misery you are experiencing on others. You can get out of it. Before you think of another excuse for this. STOP. I don't need your excuses. Neither do you. You really don't. Just be happy. Focus on that than being pe cek of things that shouldn't matter to you. Let go & BE HAPPY!

The very reason of your misery is because you choose to dwell in it like a recorder repeating it again and again.

 

[powder]

this is for Nylek ONLY.

this is precisely wat happens when u say the things u say.

if ever u have a loved one addicted to drugs, u will be the first person to give him/her money to buy drugs.

 

[fugitlah]

Hi Hope,

Care to explain this sentence of yours so we can "understand" you better?

"I know I want my family for now, but will not want hb in few years' time"

Does it make a difference now or a few yrs later?
Is it cause of your daughter again? Can you think for yourself instead of her? She only wants you to be happy.

 

[lovingyou]

Sorry, but I realli don't quite get it.

What does "Family" means to you? Isn't happiness part of it? What makes you think that your daughter is okay with you "throwing" and not wanting your HB few years time? With her growing up and able to grasp hold of reality better, won't she have further questions of why is Mummy throwing and not wanting my Daddy when she had "forgave" him few years ago?

 

[lovingyou]

"My stand is firm, just that I am very affected by my super no use hb for falling into TOW's trick and giving me loads of lies again and again. So I super don't trust him." If you have already decide to "bo chap" him, why bother to confirm if he is telling the truth or lies? If you are so sure of how u feel towards him, would you bother? You will simply move on without bothering anything about him. But again, how will it consititues to be a "Family" in a way? *confused*

 

[amulet]

My mum is a woman who really stay in a marriage for the sake of me and my brother.. not becoz we need a father, but becoz both of us needs her.. Years ago when she really want to work on a divorce, the lawyer advised her tat high chance is that she will only gain care and control of one of us(me or my bro).. she cannot let any of us stay alone with my father coz she knows he is hopeless as a father and a husband..

She didn't proceed with the divorce, but she is in this marriage only in name.. All these years, my father doesn't live with us, and she don't give a damn on where he is or who he is with.. Doesn't even give a damn that he visits prostitutes since she is no longer intimate with him.. As long as he don't come and touch her.. To her, he(my father) is just a man who happens to be our father.. not her husband..

this is what you call really give up hope and what it is like to stay in a loveless marriage, only for the sake of children..

not many women can survive that..