Will he be back?

choey

New Member
I broke up with my bf of 2 years just a month ago. Reason of breaking up is he wants his freedom, he doesn't want to feel constrain, he want to focus on his career (he just grad, 25 yrs old), he doesn't want a long term relationship (then why he got together with me in the first place?), he dun feel like it's the real "him" when he's with me. Though he also said that the problem lies with him, not me, when i'm still trying to work things out with him.

I admit i'm the insecure kind, we had our fair share of quarrels, but he also acknowledge that i've improved a lot for him.

He said many times before I am the best gf, or even the perfect wife, but too bad we met at the wrong time. He plan to focus on his career first, and only settle down when he's 28 or 29. i wanted to wait for him, but he doesn't want me to. But he said by the time he is ready to settle down, he MIGHT come back to me (out of the many possibilities). He also promised to come back to me asap.

Recently i felt like he's becoming like some guy whom i don't know at all. He began to do things he doesn't do when i know him for the past 2 years. it hurts. We still hung out together, though a bit awkward. A few days before he's leaving for one month trip to Kenya, we hung out almost like a couple. Almost. especially before he left, at the airport, we're practically like a couple.

He said he still loves me, though not like before. According to his definition, the love he has for me is "at a level higher than friends, but below couple". and i can sense that he still loves me too.

Part of me wants to follow him, be by his side, wait for him, willing to bear all the pain, even if he doesn't come back to me. While there's another part of me very afraid of being hurt again.

I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know what to do. To be by his side, risk reliving all pain, to support him and maintain the love he still has for me, or to let go totally, risking his love for me will die one day, while praying hard that he'll still come back to me?

Help me.
 


odie24

New Member
Hi Choey,

Its painful I know. I been through it.It was a 3 yr relationship a very sweet one. No major quarrels yet he just vanished from my life one day without even me knowing why....

He was uncontactable via hp whenever I call him he would just press the reject button. I cried a lot after that hoping for him to come back to me. Well he did but after a few months he vanished again.

I was very heart broken in fact after that i got into a few relationships just to get my mind off him... It was no easy task and it takes a long time for the wound to heal...

My advice is to let him go it will be super painful like the world is coming down on you and yes I'm sure you are feeling that now but being helpless wont get you anywhere...

Just cry when you feel the pain is unbearable... Once over pick yrself up and continue moving on... On and off the pain will come back so its like a roller coaster ride...

Take your time to heal and move on let nature takes it course... If you guys are meant to be he will be back.... If not then so be it you may meet the real man of your life in future.. Jia You!!!

FYI, I am now happily married but I still have no idea why he left till today....
 

jojo28

New Member
Hi Choey,

I understand how you feel. Relationship is always the hardest to explain. I would advise you not to think so much, pinning every hope that he will be back to your side. There are many reasons for break up , and no one know why.

Move on now. Cry if u need to, Shout if u have to vent out your frustration and anger. but once, this phrase of emotions goes by, you will find that you are on the path again.

Be happy. i wish you all the best.
 

choey

New Member
Thanks guys... It's very painful indeed... especially when i thought that "he's the one", since I am willing to accept all his bad points... My mind and heart isn't helping either... Kept thinking that i could never find another guy like him...

guess Jajah is right... what is mine, will be mine... I'm happy for you Jajah...

and thanks to Jojo too... I'm trying to move on... but sometimes cant bear to let go... I couldn't cry at home, dun want my parents to worry...

This year have been a bad one for me... my 10 yrs friend fell out with me in March because i don't have the money to have dinner with them, they said i have got no etiquette... April my bf, also my best friend and soulmate, broke up with me...
 

dimpxtt

New Member
hi choey,

i can understand the pain n torture.
its nt easy at the start..but you will become a stronger person..and i believe you can do it.

me too.i had DOUBLE ATTACK at one go too..

On 1st Jan 2008.
i was dumped..life as if like come crashing down on me
I cried myself to work everyday.

On 1st week of Jan.
the new working env i am in less than a month. there is a change of management, that bitch literally want to bust pple out that are not recruited by her, and make life difficult for me.force me to QUIT...and in the end made me as a stopper to 'fit' into the 'vacancy' one of the older staff tat she bust out..maciam make me like no integrity like tat..
and the rest is history..

life is tough..heartbroken n hurt mentally/physically/emotionally at the time..
took me many months to pick up..

blessed to say tat colleagues n frends ard me give me e support..
say tat a woman deserves to be doted and we are not born to be bullied..but to be loved by guys.
becauser we are worth it.

so i start doing activities that i love as well as exercise to force my 'inner stress' out, move on and feel happy abt it.

love myself more...before i can love others and let others love me..

so choey..i belive you can do it.
though painful now...but be strong and in time you will overcome it.n become a stronger woman..

you can
happy.gif
 

thommy

New Member
"my 10 yrs friend fell out with me in March because i don't have the money to have dinner with them, they said i have got no etiquette"

I'm surprised that u can even be her fren for 10yrs if that's what he/she fell out with you for. For me, this type of friend will be way down in my pecking order.

"Kept thinking that i could never find another guy like him"

he's not the only guy in the world, open ur eyes wider and u may find someone even better than him.
 

dimpxtt

New Member
"Kept thinking that i could never find another guy like him"

i used to have this thinking.
but the more you have this thinking..stick to him..he will treat u like dirt.....think you dun have any self worth..

value and treat urself better than harping on him treating u good.
 
choey,

i had an ex like yours too. we were together in university. he was good in his studies and very active in hall and school activities.

he seemed to have endless energy and no doubt he spent time with me, he had a lot more life other than me. anyway i graduated 2 year earlier than him. and though there are other guys courting me, i was with him though he had no time and money. maybe i watched too many drama serials and dreamt of marrying my uni friend like on TV.

he broke up with me just 1 month before he graduated. like ur ex, he said his feelings for me diminished. he still liked me, but not so much. he was afraid he will not be able to withstand other temptations outside.

he started finding reasons or excuses, saying we are not suitable. we still go out and date (no holding hands or hanky panky).

i feel that ur ex is like my ex. he is not sure if he will regret next time. and yes, he does still feel something for u. but he is not willing to commit himself into a relationship with you. if he stays attached to u, he cannot date freely. but of cos if u ask, he will say he wan to concentrate on his career, which is true to a certain extend. career then relationship, quite logical.

but i can tell u, if he meets a girl he is attracted to, he will probably think thrice before committing, but he WILL.

he is just not that into you anymore.u r still young, go and date other people. though he is the world to u now, but he is not the right one.

dont have to purposely wait for him. though im not a guy, but i think no guy will be attracted to a girl who is always there on call.

btw i was 24 then.
 

dimpxtt

New Member
guys when they are studying..u are his world mah..coz not much choices since he has not much money to spend on gals..

once out to work...ha haaa.....change mentality ah..
excuses like concentrate on career..earn more money first....etc

all craps..all bullshit..etc
standard..
 

dimpxtt

New Member
"but i can tell u, if he meets a girl he is attracted to, he will probably think thrice before committing, but he WILL. "

i will not be surprise if u tell us tat u hear him attached within 3 mths after breaking up.
 

choey

New Member
"i feel that ur ex is like my ex. he is not sure if he will regret next time. and yes, he does still feel something for u. but he is not willing to commit himself into a relationship with you. if he stays attached to u, he cannot date freely. but of cos if u ask, he will say he wan to concentrate on his career, which is true to a certain extend. career then relationship, quite logical. "

exactly! i ask him if we'll never get back together if he let me go now, will he regret. his reply was "not say regret or not regret, just... too bad"... *Stabbed* though he said he will not date anyone else coz he really really wanna focus on his career first. He wanna be a bachelor.

"but i can tell u, if he meets a girl he is attracted to, he will probably think thrice before committing, but he WILL. "

i will not be surprise if u tell us tat u hear him attached within 3 mths after breaking up."

in my first post, i wrote "He began to do things he doesn't do when i know him for the past 2 years.". one of them is he msg a girl, "yo.. hope u r doing well... you've only got marketing and MC paper left, jia you!". and he told the girl he's having headache, so the girl replied "hope u r feeling better today
happy.gif
" the next day. i happened to see his msg accidentally... he never msg anyone this sort of msg, other than me. the thing is, i'm having exam too, but i receive nothing from him. he also began to post little things on facebook, which he never did, and as expected, bunches of girls comment, and he even hid the relationship status which is "it's complicated". i also happen to see one picture of him smiling, leaning towards a girl, and the girl had her hands on his shoulder, dated a few days after our break up. i was so upset that i deleted my facebook acct. to stop myself from seeing it and hurt myself.

However, i seems to get over it pretty quickly... dunno if i am finding excuses for him or whatsoever. But he's beginning to become somebody i doesn't know... the guy i came to know and love for the past 2 years seems to disappear. Ouch.
 
dimpxtt,

oh but no. he was 'not attached' for 2 years. he was just 'seeing someone'. that's what he says. he says not his girlfriend, they are just going out and getting to know each other. hold hands, yes??!!

choey,

i remember my ex telling me tt time, "maybe i will regret next time... cos u are sooooooo good... but its just too bad... im just not ready." now thinking back, its really funny how lame i actually believed he was really "helpless".

maybe has changed. or maybe u didnt really know him last time. maybe he is ok with casual dating. but dun wan to be committed to anyone. if he wants, at least he wants to be with someone he really likes. and the person is not you.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
its really a forest out there. Have more self believe. You will truly find it hard to attract a better man if you continue feeling sorry and lousy about yourself. Grow your personality, groom and pamper yourself and let it shine.
 

dimpxtt

New Member
in short..

he want to choose ..have fun..
dun want to 'let you go' by cutting off you totally
just in case he cannot catch outside fishes
and you are the 'spare'...

stop hurting urself...pamper urself n forget him.
you are not a spare tyre..hoping for his return..
 
i used to think i have to do something different like lose 10kg, get a high-profile job like air stewardess, go out have fun instead of doing a 9 to 5 job, put simple makeup.

but the truth is, there will be someone who likes u the way u r. and when he comes by, u dun have to change anything bout urself.

but yes, i agree that confidence makes someone more attractive.
 

skycloud

New Member
gal, I am experienced all these before. he was my 1st man and 1st bf, out of sudden told me no feel toward me. My life collapse immediate and I went to the depression..the darkest period in my life. the stupid thing is i can still hoping he will coming back 1 day ( of coz, he is NOT) and making all the excuses that he was not tat kind of person. after 18 mths, it proved he is that flirt kind and already started a new r/s 6 mths ago with someone i noe..so what the point continue stuck there, i finally see it thru and take it easy because this is life. just need to learn how to accept and move on. Today, i can't saying i am 100% recover from the heartbroken, but i can start to move on and I believe i can create my own happinese and live a better life. He is not the only one in this world ( i used to be tot no one can replace him), he not worth my love. Cry when u feel the pain, just to remind urself u will live a better life, u definitely will..and don't let the negative thot stay in ur mind for too long.. jia you.. gal can make it..
 

denise80

Active Member
Hi Choey,

I was once like you. My ex just suddenly said he lost that feeling for me blah blah and assured that there wasn't any third party or what.

And you know what? It really doesn't matter what the reasons are for his change of heart. Just take it at that face value that he's not keen anymore.

Now that I'm happily married, when I looked back, I just can't help but to laugh at my folly, for wanting to know the answer for the break up badly.

Anyway, I believe you can get over this fast. You sound like someone who is able to. Perhaps you can try what I used to do. After the break up, I took out a piece of paper and listed down all his flaws and all incompatibilities I had with him while we were together. After that, I crushed it and threw into a bin and lead my own life pretty soon.
happy.gif
 

dimpxtt

New Member
now i fully understand that
the man i am with is not the man i love the most

just that timing and fate brings us together..
and no point turning back already

that is life..
 

choey

New Member
skycloud, i'm feeling the same way u felt. believing he will come back one day, making excuses for him. now i even have "phobia" switching on computer, afraid i'll see anything that would hurt me. i got depression before, due to stress from work and some family problem. but he's always by my side supporting me, always rush down my place whenever i cant think straight and feel like committing suicide. now he's no longer here, and been through the darkest period, i'm trying my very best to not be defeated by depression. coming 2 months since break up, i still cant find myself being truly happy. like something is missing, a vital part is missing, so feeling very empty.

i'm still too young to determine if he is really the one, but i am quite sure i cant find anyone like him. whom, somehow, fit most of the qualities i wanted in a bf (other than his super sucky bad points of course).

denise, according to him, he still loves me, just that he wants his freedom, no pressures, no constrains blah blah, the usual thing... one day, i ask him, what if he comes back from his around the world trip, to realise that i've disappeared from his world. he actually CRIED. on the BUS. i asked him the question again a few days later. his reply was, of course he would worry about me, i can try disappearing, he'll come look for me.

recently, about 2 weeks since he left sg, he's now in whichever part of the world, enjoying his holiday, would sms me on the day when i had my paper ask me to jia you blah blah, and he actually said "be yourself like i do." and he's doing what he want. well of course it hurts and sets me thinking "are you really so sad or miserable when you're with me?". whichever the case, i'm practicing self restrain to not sms him. see if he'll really look for me when he comes back from his holiday. if he doesnt, this only means that he really dunno how to treasure me.

which reminds me. 2 weeks after break up i sms him "you don't know how precious a treasure u are letting go now". his answer was just a "i know".
sucker.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
dimpxtt, open up the mind. If you keep thinking he is 2nd best, you will never appreciate him as much as you should and could.

Nothing is so absolute. Someday, u might just be so thankful of your past relationships and how it help u grow this unique current relationship into something so happy and blissful.
 

choey

New Member
by the way, dimpxtt,

"now i fully understand that
the man i am with is not the man i love the most

just that timing and fate brings us together..
and no point turning back already "

i dunno if it sounds offending, but pardon me if i do, isnt that sad(for you) that the guy you are with now is not the one you love the most? although i always heard from people "to love someone who loves you more".

if i were to move on and be with another guy, i also hope i could put him at the back of my mind, as a history, and love the current guy like i've never love before. though it's definitely easier said than done. i'm not even confident of getting over him in a year.

though i still hoping fate could bring us back together, in a right timing this time.
 

red_garnet

New Member
"i'm not even confident of getting over him in a year."

don't give yourself a specific time frame. when it's time, you'll know. trust yourself and relax.
happy.gif
 

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