Wife of 10 years, says she never loved me...

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by RnS, Sep 4, 2017.

  1. RnS

    RnS New Member

    I need a place for me to share my feelings coz i am going crazy...

    I am a guy in his thirties, married with 2 children...
    I don't know where to start...
    I'm just lost and without anyone to talk to...

    My wife says she never loved me... after 10 years of marriage
    She says she wants a divorce... but not right away as we still have other consideration such as the kids

    It's been 2 days... and i'm still overwhelmed by this and don't know what to do...
    We probably will continue to stay together till she plans through her life with the kids after the divorce...
    She won't even let me hold her hands anymore...
    She acknowledges my love for her but she just cannot reciprocate them...

    I am angry, I am sad, I am hurt, I am guilty, I am ... still in love with her, I need her but does she or did she ever???

    One side of me wants to do everything i can to salvage our marriage, however seeing how adamant she is makes me feel it is hopeless...
     


  2. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    She had never love you in the last 10 years but have had 2 kids with you ? And she is working out plans taking the 2 kids with her after the divore. And all you left with is the alimony responsibilities for her and your kids. I presumed the kids are yrs. Seriously, what have you done? You did something really really bad ? What Guilt are you talking about ?
     
  3. RnS

    RnS New Member

    Kids are ours...
    But both 1st and the 2nd were not planned...
    Ours was a shotgun marriage
    I never cheated her in anyway throughout our entire marriage
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2017
  4. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Fact is, she is cutting out ties.... that is why she is denialing all her emotions.
    Reflect over all the years, from courtship, dating to marriage and starting a family. Is she telling the truth that there was no love?

    You will take time to come to terms with reality. Until then, no need to rush into any plans. You need to compose yourself and reflect over your relationship and connectivity. Was it there all these while?
     
  5. RnS

    RnS New Member

    I use to think she love me...
    Now I don't know... I'm afraid to know...
    Would anyone stay together for 10 years w/o any bit of love...
     
  6. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    how is your relationship all these while? Level of intimacy and connection. How often do you share, chat, do things together, make love etc?
     
  7. RnS

    RnS New Member

    She has been a housewife for 10 years...
    She started to share plans of how she intend to move forward with the kids without me...
    She insist that we both will be better off apart... that I can find someone better...
    ... How do we tell our kids if we really...
    She insist I'm still their father, everything is the same with them but how could it be the same...
    She doesn't feel I love our kids coz they were all not planned and I wasn't planning on having kids in the first place...
    She also doesn't agree the way I educate them... I agree I'm not very patient with children but that doesn't mean that I don't love them...
     
  8. RnS

    RnS New Member

    We go out on dates leaving our kids with my parents...
    We watch movies, KTV, dining, trips as a family and just both of us as well over the years...
    We do have sex weekly, biweekly sometimes longer...
    That's why I thought everything was fine...
     
  9. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    She might not be telling the entire truth. It takes 2 to clap. I do believe that role of housewife isn't for everyone. One needs to be very proactive to remain active, connected and relevant. She might be regretting her decision to stay home. If she is not talking, you cannot force her either. Sometimes, you can write to her instead. Sharing your thoughts, and putting across your suggestions to work things.

    One thing that you mentioned struck me. That she thinks you don't love the kids and you are impatient with them. She might be hiding her disagreement with your parenting for a long time. How old are your kids? Regardless your marriage, I think this is something you should reflect about. How is your bond with the 2 kids. How much time do you spend with them? Do you help up at home? Sometimes, couples tend to resent and focus on what our partners did not do and not realize things we have been putting in effort.

    I recently wrote my wife an email to put that out too. She becoming quick to criticize what I did not do to her expectations and not realize my efforts to help her. When one becomes drawn to the negative, they can be consumed by just the little things, picking on each other. Face to face disagreements are sometimes better resolve through writing. She taking time to read it later. Although there was no email reply, I saw her understanding in her actions. I know she have understood my intentions.
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2017
  10. RnS

    RnS New Member

    I suggested marriage therapy but she says no point for us or her but she suggested I should go myself to overcome this separation...

    She previously had this similar episode with me before where she insist I commit adultery which was totally unfounded...

    She also suffered depression previously... Now she explains to me it is because of me coz she doesn't love me at all and she feels that she is using me financially and coz the kids were still young... They are 8 n 10 now and she feels it's time...

    We do not have maid so I do help with the chores...

    I'm always at home... She was my everything... center of my social life... I do talk to the kids everyday... I sometimes help with their homework but I amend not often coz I get impatient and punish them... She did mentioned she disagree with my method but I didn't thought it was such a big concern as everyone views things differently...

    Now looking back she gave me a chance to change on this but I didn't get the hint that it was such a hurting thing for her... I would change but worried she isn't convince that I can...

    Am I too late and am i fighting for a losing cause here...
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2017
  11. evianz

    evianz New Member

    Have you stop doing the things she consider as "sweet" since your marriage? Like eg. Giving her flowers, doing special mini celebs for anniversaries, talk to her about your dreams,etc.

    A lot of people stop doing that after marriage and its a killer because it takes a lot more effort to maintain a relationship today comparing to our parents time. Its easy to say oh ive work hard to support the family, im supportive in chores however in her view is you are doing things for the family, the kids and not for her specifically. Though it is important to show how you are supportive as a family unit, the issue may lie more on what have you done to made her feel that she is important...

    This must have had signs for a while... considering she insisted on you commiting adultery where it seems like signs of crying for attention.

    However I believe you must have your attraction since she did afterall have 2 kids with you.. so maybe start small.. remind her how the both of you started...press reset and start your courtship again.. put yourself in the mindset back 10 years ago that she isnt your wife and you really like her.. what would you do to make her be with you..how much effort you spend to figure out what she likes.. etc.. dont let familiarity cloud you by jumping into conclusion of what she likes, what she wants.. i know it is easier said than done however if you try and it doesnt work out at least you know youve tried your best.

    All the best of luck buddy!
     
  12. RnS

    RnS New Member

    I admit I probably could do better on the "sweet things" but I'm not sure would she even accept such actions now...

    She even don't let me hold her hands now...

    I don't want to upset her further... any kind hearted ladies could tell me what to do here...

    How to show love and yet not turn off my wife in this case... I'm scared that I will push her further and further away...

    My job also requires me to travel... I don't feel like traveling now coz seems like there's a timer counting down on the time I have with her...

    Yet, in order to support her and the kids, I have too, especially at such a bad economy, I can't afford to lose my job...
     
  13. evianz

    evianz New Member

    Eh bro... think you didnt read properly..Ask you to court her from the begining means reset button press and get to know each other again from the beginning...just like you like a friend you dont just simply hold ppls hand la....sweet action does not equal to hold hands.. stop obsessing over holding hands lo..to her its like u r just a friend now lo...ur female colleague also wont just allow you to hold her hand la.. dunno u really dont get it or just dont wanna get it...

    Then about your travel.. ask yourself again...did u ever suggest to arrange someone like your in laws to take care of the kids and ask her to go spend some 1 on 1 time?

    Asking you to spend more effort is not asking you to quit ur job and be a casanova..
    Being physically present doesnt always mean she is your number one... you can help out with the kids its also not about her.. it is more like you are doing your share of responsibility from the outcome of your sperm..

    There is a lot of things you could try and answers also you have so.. instead of asking on forum how arrrr how ar... just action la... u sit here and ask how... u could have went out and buy a rose and give her already lo.. -.-"
     
  14. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    RnS,

    Do you listen to her? Does she share her woes with you all these while?

    I believe she isn't suited to be a housewife and felt victimize by the pregnancies and entrapped in the marriage. How did she take both the pregnancies, was she happy and disappointed abt them?

    At the current state, she is shutting all her emotions because she has a already made the choice. I agree with Evianz about rebooting, this is your last fight to savage the relationship. Don't force intimacy. The fact that you guys are still caring for the kids and living in the same place, it is helpful. Spend time at home, with the kids. Leveraging on these opportunities to offer care and concern to her. Kids are great bonding elements for couples. You could teach them to appreciate her cooking more, highlighting to them the kind of effort she has put in, how great the food is. Getting them to show their appreciation and enjoying the family time together. Break down the defense slowly, getting her to be comfortable with you again. You should be respectful of the space she asked for. Gifts, letters, sharing your thoughts and reflections. Taking little steps. You should however, be realistic to know, you have probably already lost her. What you are doing is really the last attempt, so, keep your expectations down. Deal with whatever is to come.

    Lastly, is she actively online, or chatting? There could be a catalyst of someone new, that is triggering her move to divorce.
     
  15. RnS

    RnS New Member

    2 of her close friends are going through difficult times with their spouse as well...

    All her decision is driven by negative emotion... She says she's making the decision herself and not influence by others... But she blew up this episode because she started having gathering with her friends recently...

    While I now know we already having problems but seems like these gathering really broke her down...

    She loved the kids... But I now believe she feels victimized not by the kids but by me...

    A lot went on during the early years of the kids... She only shared with me last night...

    I left for 8 mth during our 1st child while he was just a few months old... I change job... to secure a better life for them... so a lot happen when I wasn't there...
     
    miloice likes this.
  16. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Bro, it is good that she is opening up about things. You mentioned about depression, she thinks its because of you, however, depression is a psychological condition. Is she seeking treatment for it?

    It is a nightmare to raise the kid alone when you are not around for 8 months. Its not blame, its understanding what she really went through. Empathy, is what women need. They need to feel validated and that you are there for her. She felt abandoned at the time that she needed you the most. I can see that she is still holding on to it, hence, she is unable to move on. Work on the positivity, help her recognize and cope with her negativity. Keep the communication going. Don't let it stop there. Offer comfort, not solutions. Show you care, not defenses and reasons.

    At the end of the day, if you discover that she can truly be happy without you, then you should let go. However, if she is making all these decisions because of her negativity driven by depression, you need to help her. For the sake of your family, your kids and her.
     
  17. nanastar

    nanastar New Member

    By any chance she has someone outside?
     
  18. RnS

    RnS New Member

    She feels pretending to love me is the cause of her depression... She thinks by removing me from her life she will be cure...

    She doesn't have someone outside but probably someone was always inside but wasn't me...
     
  19. ing1

    ing1 Member

    I think she needs space now. U may want to leave her alone for while. Meanwhile u might want to start contributing to your family and kids meaningfully. By that, I mean your wife's definition of meaningfully, not ours, not yours.

    People change, what she likes previously may not be what she wants now. Get to know her all over again now while maintaining a distance for her to sort out her thoughts. I would suggest you not to keep pestering her cos I think this will push her away further from you. But let her know that you are not giving up on your family or her.

    Jia you! Hope things will turn around soon.
     
    miloice likes this.
  20. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    You must be gentleman enough to respect her right to choose another man.
     
  21. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    sometimes a change of job does not necessary equate to better life such as spending power on the kids or the household.
    the times you could have watch the kids grow up, has been replaced years of feeling that the "father was never around".

    my dad was also like this when both of my parents married young, he was always out with his hobbies like hanging around pet bird shops...leaving my mum to look after me and my sis.
    my mum till now has some amount of hatred for my dad for leaving her to look after me and my sis.
    there are times which i wonder why are my parents even married when both characters are completely polar opposites of each other.
    whenever my mum felt cold over the marriage, my dad will try to woo her back in whatever un romantic ways he can think of.
    however, he would always revert back to his hobby eventually.
     
  22. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Hi bro, I could empathize with your situation. It is surely tough for your mother. However, I believe in your family situation, your father chose to not be involved in the parenting for a pretty obviously selfish reason. Maybe the relationship between your folks wasn't good that he didn't feel able to connect . Maybe.... still. your dad didn't make the enough effort.

    Rn5 scenario is more about career change for better prospect. What is impt is did he make the decision himself or with the support of his wife. If she had agreed and supported his decision, then its a case of regretting after realizing how overwhelming it was for her. I think this is a good point that you have brought up and Rn5 would have to reflect upon this, was she involved in the decision making all these while.
     
  23. RnS

    RnS New Member

    She was involved on the decision but looking back I feel she wasn't really given a choice... for the sake of our young family...

    Over these few days, she shared a lot more with me...

    I want to make up to her... But she doesn't want that coz she feels there's no point...

    She is now focusing on how to move forward with the kids in future...

    We will still be together till then...

    When we married, I said to myself that I'm going to love her till we grow old... I would care for her and not betray her... I would protect her...

    However, it seems to me I'm the one who is now hurting her...

    And that hurts me even more... I want her to be happy... sadly even if it was without me... coz I love her...

    But I'm also worried about my kids... whatever it is... it's our problem... I feel remorse that they have to go through these eventually...

    Though we are always a family but it will never be the same...
     
    miloice likes this.
  24. RnS

    RnS New Member

    She plans to rent out our spare room, use the rental to engage a maid so that she could start to work again...

    I support her going back to work but yet that means she will leave me... eventually

    Over the last weekend... She told her sisters about her plans... they never said anything to me after hearing it...

    This week I have to travel overseas for work...

    I trying my best to focus on my work but... every moment I feel she is slowly leaving me... I don't want her to... yet I am not sure if I have the right to make her stay...
     
  25. Infernolord

    Infernolord Active Member

    TS. I feel you. U just have to be patience and perhaps you can try to talk to her family to seek help.

    Sometimes sharing with your close friends for supports or even penning down in this forum do help you to feel better.

    Most ppl here have been through up and downs in our own ways. We are here to supports and give advises to each other.

    Dun emo lah, time will heal. Focus on your work, your kids still need you. Without your career, how to support your kids. And no jokes, jobs are hard to find these days.
     
  26. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    sometime apart might be good. With smartphones, we are so connected. You can still video chat your family. Sort out your thoughts during the biz trips. Life goes on no matter what.
     
  27. RnS

    RnS New Member

    Trying very hard here... I'm the sort of person that thinks that you should solve today's problem today...

    But I know I cannot solve this problem this way...

    This week while traveling for work... I see families together... doing simple things like walking and dining together... it hurts

    Today I'm going home... I missed my home... I want to do everything I can to keep it...
     
  28. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    sometimes there is no both sides of the cake for such issues.
    if TS was keen to develop his career further, maybe from a start it would be better if he was single and career minded.
    society in today context, requires both the man and the woman to make equal effort in building a family.
    all else being equal, even if financial support is sufficient, the human heart is still the hardest aspect to be taken care of emotionally.

    cause there is a case where a career minded woman who was a high flyer, frequent travelling overseas (regional sales director), never there for the family, ended up losing the respect of her teenage son and husband involved in an affair.
    she thought that by quitting her job and staying back at home as a mother, everything will fall back into place again, however divorce was the only option eventually.
     
    miloice likes this.
  29. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    in his senario, they were pushed into marriage because of the situation. Unexpected pregnacy leading to marriage. So, the point that he was better single doesn't change the fact that they are parents of their child. Also, it was shared that the wife isn't working. Having lots of time to dwell on the negativity at home isn't helpful. She wants out, her heart had hardened for a long time.
     
  30. Roxie88

    Roxie88 Member

    Hi RnS,

    Just hope to offer some encouragement here.. I can sense your love for your wife and family and it must be quite a emotional trauma to be hit by such realisation after 10 years of marriage. Not sure if it will work for you, letting your wife know about how u really feel in words and in actions might gave her the space and yet positive boost in the relationship. Let her know being away made u feel how much u love her and the kids. Home is where u want to be. Do not rush into convincing her, move her by baring your heart. Let her know how much u cherish her, remind her in startle ways of the happy times; shower her with acts of love and your commitment to be there for her all the time. Let her see her future with you as her soulmate and support. Be forthcoming about times where u know u have neglected her, took her for granted and failed to sense her lost in purpose and in the relationship. Acknowledge her void n that you wish to work together with her to patch things bit by bit. She might not respond immediately , but everyone has a weakness and we are always happy in the beginning.. Establish that safe ground. Be understanding that it takes time to reopen her hardened heart and slowly plan for the next step. All mothers love their kids in one way or another, work out a way when she is on your side and very often that will start with dreams of a complete family , a role model for the kids in this perverse society.. Touch her every weakness and if you really mean what u say and do what u promise, i hope she will at least give u a chance to slowly let u back into her life. Emotions are hard to predict and giving it a timely boost might help. All the best!
     
  31. RnS

    RnS New Member

    I am trying my best to act normally, spending more time and effort with my kids...

    This morning my wife suddenly tell me that she even consider moving to her friends or sisters with our kids...

    Though they all rejected... she now is thinking of letting me keep the house but rents from me a room but still wants to rent out the extra room to cover the expense of the maid so that she could go out to work...

    She ask me to sleep with the kids and she will sleep with the maid...

    I never say much... I just say I will accommodate her plans...

    But deep down I just feel heartbroken...
     

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