Wife having extramartial affair.

[ideal]

Please be patient as this will be a lengthy post..2 months ago is our one year marriage anniversary which is falls on May, but that is also the most painful month that i had ever felt thru my 30 years of life..

We have been in a relationship for the past 5 years and we had completed a series of important task in life together, e.g getting a degree together, up and downs in life and many more beatiful memories..last year we decided to settle down as we had finally completed our degree together and we felt its time we advance to next level and we held our rom and wedding last year and also our long wait BTO will be completed by second quarter of 2016 and we are pretty excited about it and she had been looking around for her fav design and colours she prefer..

Just when i though things are going accordingly to our plan, she decided to travel alone with her colleagues(ladies) to HK for shopping trip and she told me she had never went oversea trip alone and she say she want to give it a try, and since i trusted her alot so i give the green light, but before the night she depart sg, i got a weird feeling something will happen, but i tot is seperation anxiety hence i ignore it..

And this is when the nightmare happens..she went ahead to meet up with the third party who is a chinese national, same age as her, had a child but he is in the process of having a divorce..and i wont want to explain much into details..when she is back from hk, everything changes..when i held her hands, the feeling is different and when we celebrated our one year anniversary, she told me that it had slip out of her mind and she didnt get me any present..i didnt really take it to heart as i really love her very much..

One night, her phone rang and its a video call by a guy, i start to question her whos that and stuff..she deny everything..just when we were about to turn in, she started crying so badly that scares me..so she starts pouring details to me about the third party and she is very guilty as she had betary my trust and stuff, i was in a state of shock and i kept comforting her..i told her everyone makes mistake and i can forgive her since she has come clean with me..i kept telling her that..and she cry for the whole night and ask me why didnt i get angry and vent my anger on her(what she expected i will do)and i did the opposite of comforting her and giving her assurance that if thats just an accident i am prepare to forgive her..i never believe venting my anger on her will solve the problem since it had already happen..and i know once i laid my hand on her, thats it.

The next few days both of us were restless and i decided we should go for marriage counselling as i really wan to save this marriage..she agreed and we went for it..through the session she mention that she had the thought of having kids(FYI she keep telling me how much she dislike kids and how noisy and irritating it could be as she cant stand kids crying) with the 3rd party and that hurts me alot..she also keeps telling me she wanted to give up the BTO and stuff as she is stress abt the money and bills i give her my assurance we can work it out together but she is very determine that she does not want the BTO..fine, i go along with it, no kids no BTO i just want this marriage back so badly..

Thru this 6 years even though we are officially married for a year, we didnt really had sex as she keeps telling me shes tired and she wan to wait till we are officially married then we will have sex, and she doesnt wan kids, she want to have a career before she have kids....FINE, i respect her decision as i love her and dun wan to stress her and give in to her..but why she can easily give it a guy(they had been in contact for the past 10 months)who she just met up for 3 days and not give it to a husband who patiently waited for her for 6 years?

Now my problem comes, she is still in contact with the third party(and FYI the third party did fb message me telling me to give up on her and stuff, didnt really wan to go into details as that makes my blood boil. Lucky he is in china, else i will...but he told me he had plans to come singapore to face this issue together with her and want my blessing..) and she is still deciding whether she wants to save this marriage or not..and because of this issue, i had been suffering from depression since then and at times i will hear voices..shes concern about my health hence we are so call "back together" for the time being i duno how long can this last?

She ask me can i not tell my and her parents about the third party and hide partial of the story if we are really going to be annulment..and just tell them we can't get along? How should i handle this?

i really love her alot and does not want to end this marriage just like that..currently our parent are not aware of this issue between us and we are still lovely in front of them..what should i do? I seriously need advise..i duno how long more can my physical and mental withstand this..

 

[buddhabar]

Your wife has been with you for 6 years and she didn't give it to you. This same lady gave it to another man whom she has known for 10 months. I afraid you ain't the one for her as far she's concern. Unlike men, women hardly give her first time to a man out of lust, not to mention it takes a lot for a women to even have the thought of bearing a man's offspring. but again, this thought could be due to her first experience of such high intimacy with a man for the first time.

 

[Infernolord]

I feel you bro. These days I really do not know what sg gers are thinking. When a guy suck big time, cheater, lier, they stay on, hoping to change the guy. When the guy being faithful, nice, and compromise, the gers tend to seek passion, excitement and "true love" from outside.

Sry to sidetrack abit.
I been reading the treads these days, it always been the case. Where are commitments, dedication and efforts ? Love is not a moment of lust or excitement, that is infatuation. Love is more than that. Both have to put in efforts to create lust, excitement in their rs. Somehow i find sg gers do not understand.

Honestly speaking I feel that you are the same kind of person like me. We just want a stable rs, and nothing else matters. I was badly hurt by all my ex. they dumped me for no reasons. I held on to each rs tightly and i dun mind they put me down. But bro, ultimately, if a ger don't like you, they will just keep thinking of excuses to put u down so that they feel better and make them thinks that they have make the right choices. i.e in your case, left you for another guy. At least you are stronger than me, each of my broke up, i keep pondering if I am that lousy, ungentlemanly or blame myself. I got emo each breakup. I know is not my fault, lucky i have friends that validated me, encourage me. And i understand the pain is real. All i can encourage you is that try to seek friends for comfort, talk it out for the time being. You are not alone.

 

[ideal]

Truthfully speaking when she come clean with me, if you ask me am i angry? Of course i am, but i am more worry about her hence i put my anger behide me and comfort her as i love her too much.. yup what puzzle me is also how come she can easily give it to a man who she know for 10 months and just met him for the first time? I am seriously very shock till i almost got a stroke..i dont drink, smoke, gamble and dont really have any bad habit but bad things still falls on me..the third party club, smoke, sleeping ard with girls, doesnt have a proper job or stable income..but she is still considering whether to save this marriage or not..isnt that funny? All the effort and things we went thru this 6 years if for nothing? Nothing worth a 10 month relationship? Now i am starting to believe a good man will not always have good karma..i wouldnt say i am prefer..but i ask keep asking her what have i done wrong and she claim i am perfectly good partner to be with and have done nothing wrong..but why this still happens? I have been thinking day and night, i even went to my own religion to ask for advise. But what i have got is just let natural takes it course..but i am ever ready go all out if he comes to singapore..i am ever ready for it..i know things will sure turn out ugly but i had no choice..

She is worry about her parent as her mum has all the sickness and her dad had just recover from depression..we are afraid they might not be able to take the fact..my life will be in a chaos..but i will be ready for it..

 

[ideal]

As she know all my friends and we have been very lovely..but till now i have not told any close friends or told our parents yet as i do not wan to stress them out..hence feeling quite stress up lucky got this forum to pour out my problem..any advise is welcome..once again apologise for my lengthy reply..

 

[miloice]

Emotions do not follow logic. You cannot reason out like this. The psychology of attraction do not just look at security and stability. So, yes, in a way, women are attracted to bad guys. However, much more about their confidence. Their boldness to cross boundaries and break comfort zones. You might want to research more on the topic, its a rather interesting science to understand how much of our behavior are influenced by our instinctive sexuality.

 

[ideal]

Seems like girls prefer guys who boost alot and make empty promise although they know everything is just a smoke screen but they still believes..however its very clear that she will suffer and that guy will never treat her that well..but seems like she is willing to suffer with him together and even move to china with him? Although this might just be my assumption..but without proper job and that guy character, she is bound to suffer for sure..

 

[Infernolord]

Now i am starting to believe a good man will not always have good karma..i wouldnt say i am prefer..but i ask keep asking her what have i done wrong and she claim i am perfectly good partner to be with and have done nothing wrong..but why this still happens? I have been thinking day and night, i even went to my own religion to ask for advise.

I been pondering this question these few months as well. What have i done wrong to deserve such pain? My recent ex can said I am not Man enough, ungentleman or even not sexually attracted to me. I swallowed what she said, and apologies for another chance to work it out. She can held on a Jerk that slpt ard, smoke and drinks for a year plus, but she cant even understand and work it out with me? She feel like a princess when the jerk treat her like one, but she dun feel the same when i did all those for her. **seriously wanna bang my head against the wall

 

[ideal]

Hi Infernolord, i feel u..what is really wrong with us? I have been reflecting as it takes 2 hands to clap..i strongly believe there are things that i had not done enough..just that she keep saying its her fault and i had nothing wrong..

 

[miloice]

Hi Infernolord, i feel u..what is really wrong with us? I have been reflecting as it takes 2 hands to clap..i strongly believe there are things that i had not done enough..just that she keep saying its her fault and i had nothing wrong..

Yo.... what you didn't do enough is the selection process. You need to prioritize your energy on the right one and not all your energy hoping that she becomes the right one. Dating and courtship is about discovering yourselves, what you guys really want and need and how to get this happiness from the relationship.

 

[Infernolord]

Yo.... what you didn't do enough is the selection process. You need to prioritize your energy on the right one and not all your energy hoping that she becomes the right one. Dating and courtship is about discovering yourselves, what you guys really want and need and how to get this happiness from the relationship.

Miloice - In any rs, its always sweet and nice during the "honeymoon" phrase when each of us put in efforts and time to make things right and iron out the differences.
But in all rs i believe, that excitement, thrills and butterfly in the tummy will fade off. That's when i feel commitments play a big part.
I believe a hand full of ladies will feel un-loved at this stage and rather putting efforts, they choose to allow others to fill up that "lost" feeling. Well i not saying guys are all good, some jerks do cheat as well. But gers are different, there is an emotional attached to the other party, unlike guys. Those jerks are just out to play, no emotional attachments. Its take two hands to clap. So why gers cant think straight for themselves and their loves ones? Getting themselves in such mess and hurting their gd bf/hubby.

P.S. My apologies, not being stereotype, of cos some ladies are really nice and committed. Just that i saw too much of such cases happening.

 

[miloice]

Well.... emotions last way longer than honeymoon. Why do you think old couples are still intimate and holding hands. The mentality and expectation has to be that they continue to pamper and date each other.

Commitment is a given, without it, don't think about marriage ever. It is easy to fall in love, we will love more than one. However, the one that can last a lifetime together with happiness, its something very special. It has to be mutually fulfilling and sustainable to go through changes in life. When the journey is a fulfilling one, the couple goes through anything hardship together. Without the happiness, sustaining for a short period will be a pain already. Communication during conflicts and ability to reflect and grow as a couple together, this is key.

 

[shaboo]

Betrayal happens.. no matter whether its a relationship or a marriage.. It happens when the person does not even know what he/she wanted after all. Instead of treasuring what they have now, they chose to do something which they may regret in future. Ideal, I am sorry to hear that you had to go through this in your marriage. I've read in your post that you are willing to forgive your wife for what she'd done. You are indeed a very kind & forgiving man. Forgiving someone who'd hurt you is not an easy thing. It could mean putting yourself into more hurt. Infidelity is not as easy thing to forgive nor forget. 6 years is indeed a long time you've put into this marriage with your wife. Try to go for marriage counselling together first. Hopefully things works.

 

[ideal]

Hi Shaboo..Thanks for your advise..i am not that noble as you mention..just that i really love her deeply as she was my first gf and we both felt deeply for the past few years before married..we had went thru counselling together and she feels that the things they say are very general..so not gonna work hence we stop the session..my parents and close friends all enjoy her accompany as she was fun loving,easy to talk, friendly..now i really do not know how to handle this sticky situation..i didnt disclose this to my friends yet because i didnt wan my friends or family to know that she had commited adultery as i wan to protect her as long as i can..i have ever though of ways, if i kick the bucket, things will be easier and both of us dont have to go thru seperation procedure and she can be with the one she love..and we dont have to explain to anyone and i can protect her forever..but she had made me promise her not to do that as she has the responsiblility to take care of me..even though if we are really gonna be seperated, she will also want to return a healthy son to my mum..i guess i am just waiting for my time to be up and be her guardian forever..

I once ask her, what kind of person am i? She told me a very nice and selfishless person..i replied her can i just be selfish just one time? Just this one time.. Since she has always been the first priority in everything i do.. i just wan to be selfish for just one time..

 

[ideal]

She has also been trying to hint me if we must really let the cat out of the bag, can we just lied and say its because our character does suit? Its hard for me..i dont wan her parents to be hurt by that guy..i dont wan the guy to hurt the woman i love deeply..i just want to tell the truth and even though if we really cant work out, at least i dont let the guy hurt her family..at the same time, i dont wan her parents to also disown her or anything bad happen to her..what should i do?should i say the truth? Or should i just go according to her and protect her? I know many people will say its not worth it..

 

[miloice]

it is pointless to tell her parents, she will not appreciate it and resent you for it. If I'm you, I would let her deal with it herself. Move on, don't waste anymore time with her. If her family gets to know, you are no part of it either. She is not a child, it is a walk she chose and she needs to walk it herself.

 

[shaboo]

Ideal, so both of you actually went for counselling already? Are you able to share where you went for counselling? Some agencies for counselling does only general counselling, which may not help at all. Just to share, I had severe depression many years ago when my marriage with my ex husband fell apart. I went to IMH for psychology sessions. I also got my ex husband to attend the counselling session with my psychologist there for marriage counselling. Effective counselling takes time for the counsellor to understand your situation, first initial sessions may not be very effective since its more of sharing your story. The marriage counselling didn't work for me eventually since my ex husband only attended once & he stopped going. My counsellor told me my ex husband went with an empty heart & through the things he says, it does not show any remorse in him at all.

Hence, it all depends if you both genuinely want things to work or not. Else, attending counselling wont help. I can understand you love your wife deeply & does not want to give up this marriage. Have you given it a thought, how will you be able to go through the years ahead? Will you keep thinking about what she's done to you? Would you still be able to trust her & not become easily suspicious in future? Most important of all, do you think she wont do it again in future? I asked myself these questions when I was dealing with my 1st marriage. When things just happened, it was indeed very painful for me. I even tried to deceive myself & tell my ex husband we can still carry on. But deep in my heart, I know I cant. Do give it a good thought. Life is too short to put yourself in such misery. Be selfish this time round, put yourself in priority from now.

 

[ideal]

Hi Shaboo..yup we went for counselling.. its at Bishan area.. till date i know she is still keeping contact with that third party secretly as its quite obvious with her body lang and she will be in toilet for long duration..i dont wan to face the reality and i really didnt want to end this marriage just like that..very funny thing is that we are still like a couple as usual, we still share kiss goodbye in the morning which i ask for it..but just that weird feeling..

We still went for my house gathering and friends gathering just like normal couple.. but somehow, in the past during lunchtime or even off work, we will keep each other updated but now no longer.. i have to be the one to probe her first then she will reply..but didnt last long..but in whatsapp she can appear to be online for a long time..i didnt wan to think too much and be parnoid..i just tell myself she can be messaging her friends or so..so i just give her, her own freedom time..i kept telling myself that..

Whenever we talk and raise abt the issue whether she till loves me and whether she wan to carry on this marriage, she will keep silence..or mayb beat ard the bushes..this is when my depression kicks in and i will tremble uncontrollably..till to the extend shortness of breath..i really hope i can die from this shortness of breath but i failed.. she wanted me to go IMH and receive treatment but i refuse as that will means i will have a hard time in further..i know as a man i should face it strongly..but i am really sorry for being this way as its not i want to.

But if this marriage were to not work out and things really have to end,I dare not imagine the consequences and how both family will react as my mum and her mum is not in good state..she did repent and blame herself..as i kept asking her what have i did wrongly on my part to receive this kind of treatment from her?i kept asking myself..

there are times i was sitting by the window ledge thinking abt our past and happy memories..i didnt wan to threaten her or gain her sympathy..its just that i really duno and dun have the moral and courage to carry on life without her..one side of me hope she will carry on happily with the person she likes but the other side i dont wish end this marriage..fyi i have always told my friends who confide in me their troubles and i always told them theres nothing in this world that cannot be solve and death is not a solution and i always manage to comfort and untied their knot 100 percent with fail..saying is easier then doing..when it happen to myself i cant even handle the stress and problems..theres a saying in chinese is that doctor themself cant self treat..now i finally understand it fully.. i know its part and parcel of life..


i seriously can forgive her and if ok, we can also dont talk abt it for the rest of my life and start afresh..i dont know how long i can last and i hope if there were anything bad happen to me, at least i have say wat i wan to say to her here..

 

[ideal]

Haha..just let me be selfish this once..i have been giving and thinking abt people and.putting people infront of me all the time i think its time i be selfish this time and put myself in the first priority..

 

[ideal]

I have always been a very religion person and i know committing suicide is a very big sin be it in any religion..the person will have to keep suffering and suffering..alot of people who loves u may be upset and lots of people will scold u for being stupid, selfish and unfilial..stuff and stuff..all these has been going thru my mind for months and months..i know all these is sign of depression..i know even though if i really kick the bucket, she might be sad for this moment and years after that she will.be somebody else wife and happily ever after..but just let me be selfish this once..i only want to be just selfish for this once..

 

[Infernolord]

Ideal, I found some common traits in us, i.e we thinks of others instead of ourselves. I thinks it is the way we were brought up by our parents, and the values that were taught to us. I been through alot of rs, Iwas very optimistic in the past and these days i am getting very negative. Sg girls are too open and complicated.

I read alot of books and forums. The world we see now is not as simple as I thought it would be. With the convenience of social media and technologies, making things worse. In fact, one can have an affair even they are right beside you, by chatting and sending message to other party. When girls feel sad, they look for a comfort in the social media, thinking "no one know them and its ok" and that why others take advantage. Its is very sad.

Honestly speaking, I think people these days dont work things out or think logically. There is this saying "ren shi fan jian de" Only things that are hard to achieve are valuable and important. Those that are readily available are usually taken forgranted.
Sometimes I feel I should be more selfish during my breakup, be more firm and let go. Maybe my ex will feel the sudden lost and comes back to me. Unfortunately, I always end up begging, staying composed and trying my best to convince them. None of these works... these days talking it out, being nice are not going to work. Based on my experiences, because human wanted things that are not easily available. The more you try on, the more you are pushing her away. And in fact, she will always feel you are there for her. (readily available) and the other guy is so hard to get.

Actually, if I am in your shoes, i will do the same. But i know the outcome, ultimately we just want to try our best and hope for the best.

 

[ideal]

Yup yup..thats why i say theres a saying in chinese.."nan ren bu huai nui ren bu ai".. thats why i have vow and swear that if this rs not gonna work out, i am game for it and will nv ever trust anyone else anymore..thats why people always say dun trust other people too much and i didnt get the fact in the past..now i finally know wat is it about..

Side track abit Recently after work i have been trying my best to go to every single temple in singapore and say my prayers really hard that i sometime tears..other devotees actually got quite shock..haha..sorry but when i was saying my problem i cant control my tears neither..i know as a man i shouldnt shed a single tears..but its uncontrollable.. i guess i will do all.means and ways to struggle till the end of my life, if one day i have decided it's time and i had tried enough, i will maybe leave this place for good and selfish just for this time..

Btw side track abit..i have ask multiple medium and all ask me why so stupid and knock me real hard, i guess trying to knock the sense out of me?..and they had been telling me that they know i am really trying hard and stuff..they know wat i am doing and they told me, what i have done is enough and it depends on whether she still wan to save this marriage or not..if she doesnt wan, even if i kick the bucket she will still be herself as theres no more love in it..but i am not gonna give up my hope and struggle till the last drop of my energy to love and shower her with my love..

although i understand what "Infernolord" is trying to say..love is like sand, the more harder u grab it, the faster it escape..but i know as long as i keep trying even though if one day she elope with that third party, i know i had done my part as a faithful husband and i didn't let her and myself down..

I will jot down every little details and updates here every now and then to keep it as a memory and hope that if i were to met up with any "accidental" death, hope that friends or family who know my real identity will at least know whats going on..i am sorry for being selfish and facing all these myself.. i am sorry..

 

[ideal]

I know some people might be thinking that i am trying to gain sympathy or asking for some comfortable..i cant stop u from thinking that way and if its too lengthy i apologies for that..but i am just trying to jot down every little details to share with people facing the same problem as me..i know life can be so colourful and fun loving..but the view is no longer there and will never be the same..

 

[ideal]

In the past, whenever its durian season it will be the best time of our life..i will bring her to places where can enjoy durian to the max..yesterday i ask her whether would she like to go for durian fest, she told me she had quit durian for good..giving me all sorts of reason that she has put on weight, heaty, dun like the smell and many many more..even our annual yearly trip she has also turn it down saying its time we save up..i ask her for wat?she kept quiet..

She has given up foods that bring both of us many happy memories and loves the most and i silently accept it and take wat she says..i trust her..

 

[miloice]

hi buddy, no, you are not trying to gain sympathy, HOWEVER, it is not very constructive to just mingle with like minded folks rubbing each other backs. Yes, the world is not so simple, we don't need it to be anyway. Different people have different needs. Repeating this many times, it is about finding the right person. Precisely there are all kinds of people, finding the right one is really not easy. Do you settle for less or stay true to your own values towards relationships. Cut your losses, take the time you need to get your closure and MOVE ON. It aren't worth your time.

Your judgement improves with experience. Stay passionate.

 

[greendoryfish]

I think you are being too nice and she's taking advantage of that. Be firm and tell her that you want her to make a decision on who she wants to be with by <deadline> and you are not going to lie for her.

She's going to guilt trip you but don't let it happen because you will be the one feeling terrible for the rest of your life - whether the 3rd party treat her right or not. Or worst case scenario, she might even start planting stories misrepresenting the whole situation.

From a female's perspective, we need guys who are stable and confident so don't let her manipulate you because that's not going to earn her respect. And don't ever talk about taking your own life because you have to face the issue no matter what - for yourself, for her and your loved ones

Take care ts!

 

[ideal]

Another sleepless night with her sleeping by my side..but the distance seems so far aprt..

Miloice just fyi..i do not have much friend i can confide in..thats why often is people come find me talk because they trusted me..finding right people is easy talk..but i dun think i can find anyone like that to talk.to except counsellor? i know i have a weak mind as day past by i am getting weaker and weaker..be it mentally or physically..the problem is i dont really wish to cut my losses now..i have to keep her protected till the third party is out of the game..now its just a matter of time.. that guy only wanna have physical contact w her, thats only his ultimate motive.. although he is in china, i have my ways to find out wat happen..

Hi greendoryfish..its easier say then done..i.cant to see her crying so badly and i dun wan her to hurt herself..i know my strenght is definitely bigger then her, so i try to keep less contact w her unless shes hurting herself like last few times..in this past 6 yrs i nv see her so upset to the extend of pulling her own hair and biting herself..i dun wan her to be like me..i rather i just be the one suffering..its alright..

I have already make the worst decision.and have alot of scenario.in mind wat she is gonna do and how i gonna prove myself..and also all these while dragging and dragging i guess she and the third party might be planning something against me, i hope she can kill me or slowly poison me to death..i know u will say i am silly or stuff like that..but i really love her badly..can anyone teach me how to love her lesser? nowsdays she has been slowly cutting whatsapp and messagaing w me but i can see her online most of the time.. how can i not assume anything? I really guess the time is gonna come soon..i have to well prepare for it myself..he might be coming sg sooner or later since my wife cant go oversea for the moment..his whole mind if full of certain things only..

 

[Yummy858]

Hi ideal, I feel for u. Would like to share with u a story and hope it can give u some courage to move on. My sis in law has been together with my elder bro for 9 years. And every time when I see them together, they hv lots of things to talk. But things takes a turn when my bro was sometime posted to Shanghai to work for a week or 2. And when they both are preparing for their wedding and their house ready, one day, when they alighted the bus to a shop to buy lights, my bro suddenly told my sil that he dun love her anymore and want her to make a decision after crossing the rd if she still wan to carry on with the wedding. It was like a big bomb dropping from the sky for her. She also nearly go into depression n kip asking my bro if there's another woman exist. He kept denying but eventually my younger sis managed to discover actually he has been with a China gal for nearly 2 yrs. And we also found clues that my bro has been lying to everyone that he is flying to SH for work but actually he is flying there jus to hv happy time with the China gal... To cut short, my sis in law also loved my bro very much and her life is revolving ard him and she also going down into depression. But she is able to pull through by talking to friends and burying herself in work. Time really can help to heal ur wound slowly, ideal. Although they still proceed with the wedding and staying in the same house and sleeping on the same bed... They are more like housemate than hb n wife nw. But she has now moved on and enjoying her life with new friends and working hard in her careers although she nw no longer believes in LOVE. You sure can do it just need a longer time. Hope this story got some positive effect for u to move on.

 

[Infernolord]

Bro I know how it feel. I just been tru a ridiculously breakup and in fact what you are facing now is exactly what my buddy going through a few months back.
We poured our hearts out and chat. Bro u are not alone. Dun take your life lighty, we still hv family n frends. U hv responsibilities not only one person but those that loves u.

I know I am negetives toward SG gers, I would like to retaliate that there are jerks out there too. Just feel that when guys r nice doesn't mean we should b taken forgranted. In fact in the modern world, I find guys have many thing to lose as compare to gers, it's unfair these days to sterotype guys as jerks n cheaters..What if gers cheat, how do we call them?
In fact I feel that guys hv everything to lose. We work so hard for the lady, so that they can lead a comfortable life. When such things happens，we lose the mood to work、the house we build and the pride we have....

Bro just hope the next one be a better one n move on.. If you want to join us and chat, pm me. My buddy who been tru it can share how he overcome it.

 

[ideal]

Hi Yummy858 I'm sorry to hear that.. u mean they still carry on w the wedding and they are now officially married? Actually currently i am staying w her too, but i am not sure whether the person sleeping next to me is it still the person i know or the person i loved deeply..she seems to lost her soul and we are having lesser and lesser communication and although i am struggling and trying hard to create topic and conversation.. but seems like she only has more things to talk to that guy..i really duno wat she wants..she also doesnt know what she wants..i know some people might see it as she wan to have the best of both world..but wat can i do?

Thanks Infernolord, i wouldnt label all sg girls as what i have met..i believe there are still good and nice sg girls that are still faithful and appreciative..but just that this particular one only..

 

[Yummy858]

My bro is a jerk. He has been in a rs with the china woman and proceeded with the ROM. Its during the house preparation that he come clean with her but he did not admit that there is a outside woman. My sil loves him so much that she wants to give him a 2nd chance and thus proceeded with the wedding with the hope that living together can help to save the marriage. But things did not go that well for her. After wedding, he started to call her names or ignore her by not talking to her. Yes, now they are still officially married but bcos of the house she wans to hold for 5 yrs so that she can proceed to divorce him. The person sleeping beside her is oso not the one she has loved all this while. Tat is why i wanna tell u is that time can heal. Same as u, she has done nothing wrong at all to get all these treatment from him. We have confronted him but he just dun admit the existence of the china gal. Haiz.. Anyway i am happy for her that she has let go and now waiting for another 2 yrs to file for divorce. We can see that her life getting better but my bro's life is going the oppopsite direction. Ideal, just hang on, find some activities away from her and you can be getting better and better each day.

 

[buddhabar]

Ideal... this is painful and we all know that. Dwelling ain't helping your situation. Your focus is how to get yourselves out of this and move on. Let's be honest here, she has had a change of heart and that won't change for whatever you are going to do. She is feeling guilty and sorry , that's why she is still showing concern about your well being. if this drags on and on, the day will come when she is desensitised and she will have harsh words. That will hurt far more than this. If you want her to regret her decision , take good care of yourselves, establish your career and let her see and realise for herself what she has given up and lost. Wishy washy cries and suicidal thoughts are deemed as weak and she would be more affirmative you ain't what she wants.

Do yourselves a favour, do your mother a favour for she is the women who dedicate her entire life to see you to this day . How heartbroken and devastated would she be to witness another women destroy her son.

 

[shaboo]

Ideal, I can understand how sad & how terrible you feel now. Dealing with spouse infidelity is not something easy. There are times where we feel its meaningless to continue living. We lost hope, we lost the strength to even breathe.. I've ever felt that way too when I was going through my spouse infidelity years ago. I got into severe depression & suffered from panic attacks at that time, when I broke down at my psychologist's clinic, I was warded at IMH for a week for severe depression. When we feel we kept falling downwards, it is time to do something. You need to help yourself.
We don't live our life for anyone. We live it for ourself. Do good things to help yourself, give yourself happiness.
Set yourself free, let your wife go free too. Let her go for what she wanted. Its a way of loving her too right?

I agree with Buddhabar, People who loves you will be so heartbroken to see you suffer. Be strong.

 

[miloice]

Coming to terms with the betrayal is always the first step. Everyone have a different way to dealing with it. Yours could be through talking about it. Just don't remain in it forever. There is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how difficult it is now.

 

[kentlim26]

betray? i will quickly ask her fly kite. that why rom isnt a simple is issue. her guy come, i tell her quickly pack n go. i will take a video too for evidence. in this world, so many good ladies with honestly, is time to re- new true love. she is going to expire soon, she wish to fly..
love the bird, let her fly as far she could. dont tie her.it wont be good for you in the end. is my opioion. i write to help you. i am straight forward guy

 

[meimei1601]

Unfaithful and shameless people doesn't come be cos he or she... it happen to bother ladies and men... just as a guy it happen that the lady of her betrayed them and as a lady,.. it is the guy that betray them. It require both party to commit and stay faithful. But if one cannot keep it that way, it usually doesn't happen overnight, Their behave should have been seen but usually we thg we could expect the change or expecting them to change for us, unfortunately this is not going to happen.

It's very obvious that the trust for her in u is gone, and she betrayed that trust. If she doesn't appreciate Ur present, at the least let her appreciate Ur existence. It's not going to be easy for u to forget the pain and betray u had. And it's not easy to accept the person we love today maybe the worst stranger tomorrow. But whatever happen happened.

Letting her leave Ur world is painful, but keeping her with u is torturing u. No point wearing a shoe that causes the pain in Ur feet even thg u love the design if the shoe a lot. U need to find a shoe that is comfortable, durable and last long.

No matter what happen, trust me... The pain will go away as time passes by. I have been to the worst part of my life and still surviving.no one can actually make u sad and miserable except urself. U need step out a little to see the bigger picture out there.

It's not going to be easy, but it's not impossible.

 

[kathybaby]

Please be patient as this will be a lengthy post..2 months ago is our one year marriage anniversary which is falls on May, but that is also the most painful month that i had ever felt thru my 30 years of life..

We have been in a relationship for the past 5 years and we had completed a series of important task in life together, e.g getting a degree together, up and downs in life and many more beatiful memories..last year we decided to settle down as we had finally completed our degree together and we felt its time we advance to next level and we held our rom and wedding last year and also our long wait BTO will be completed by second quarter of 2016 and we are pretty excited about it and she had been looking around for her fav design and colours she prefer..

Just when i though things are going accordingly to our plan, she decided to travel alone with her colleagues(ladies) to HK for shopping trip and she told me she had never went oversea trip alone and she say she want to give it a try, and since i trusted her alot so i give the green light, but before the night she depart sg, i got a weird feeling something will happen, but i tot is seperation anxiety hence i ignore it..

And this is when the nightmare happens..she went ahead to meet up with the third party who is a chinese national, same age as her, had a child but he is in the process of having a divorce..and i wont want to explain much into details..when she is back from hk, everything changes..when i held her hands, the feeling is different and when we celebrated our one year anniversary, she told me that it had slip out of her mind and she didnt get me any present..i didnt really take it to heart as i really love her very much..

One night, her phone rang and its a video call by a guy, i start to question her whos that and stuff..she deny everything..just when we were about to turn in, she started crying so badly that scares me..so she starts pouring details to me about the third party and she is very guilty as she had betary my trust and stuff, i was in a state of shock and i kept comforting her..i told her everyone makes mistake and i can forgive her since she has come clean with me..i kept telling her that..and she cry for the whole night and ask me why didnt i get angry and vent my anger on her(what she expected i will do)and i did the opposite of comforting her and giving her assurance that if thats just an accident i am prepare to forgive her..i never believe venting my anger on her will solve the problem since it had already happen..and i know once i laid my hand on her, thats it.

The next few days both of us were restless and i decided we should go for marriage counselling as i really wan to save this marriage..she agreed and we went for it..through the session she mention that she had the thought of having kids(FYI she keep telling me how much she dislike kids and how noisy and irritating it could be as she cant stand kids crying) with the 3rd party and that hurts me alot..she also keeps telling me she wanted to give up the BTO and stuff as she is stress abt the money and bills i give her my assurance we can work it out together but she is very determine that she does not want the BTO..fine, i go along with it, no kids no BTO i just want this marriage back so badly..

Thru this 6 years even though we are officially married for a year, we didnt really had sex as she keeps telling me shes tired and she wan to wait till we are officially married then we will have sex, and she doesnt wan kids, she want to have a career before she have kids....FINE, i respect her decision as i love her and dun wan to stress her and give in to her..but why she can easily give it a guy(they had been in contact for the past 10 months)who she just met up for 3 days and not give it to a husband who patiently waited for her for 6 years?

Now my problem comes, she is still in contact with the third party(and FYI the third party did fb message me telling me to give up on her and stuff, didnt really wan to go into details as that makes my blood boil. Lucky he is in china, else i will...but he told me he had plans to come singapore to face this issue together with her and want my blessing..) and she is still deciding whether she wants to save this marriage or not..and because of this issue, i had been suffering from depression since then and at times i will hear voices..shes concern about my health hence we are so call "back together" for the time being i duno how long can this last?

She ask me can i not tell my and her parents about the third party and hide partial of the story if we are really going to be annulment..and just tell them we can't get along? How should i handle this?

i really love her alot and does not want to end this marriage just like that..currently our parent are not aware of this issue between us and we are still lovely in front of them..what should i do? I seriously need advise..i duno how long more can my physical and mental withstand this..

Forget about her. As a woman, let me tell you, the new fire will continue to burn and even if you try to save it, they will still secretly keep in touch. Let her go. Good thing, you don't have any kids. I am sure you can find someone better. She is not worth it. Woman are hard to love. I admit, I am also hard to love. I divorced my first husband because there wasn't any sparks. Like you, no sex and I find excuses no to have it. Not because i don't love him, because he doesn't take care of himself. He is a snorb. Sleep, eat, grow out of size and takes everything for granted that because we are married, he felt there's no need for new romance. I left him because what I was looking for appeared at a later time. We part amicably as he also realised that he wanted more of a mommy figure lady looking after his welfare. If you say that you really loved her. What have you done daily to surprise her? If you haven't, why did she went with someone else? Women don't dump men for no reason. Usually there is a reason.

Find another one that truly match your personality, maybe. Whatever turns out, whether you can keep this marriage or not, I sincerely wish u all the best.

 

[life_is]

Another sleepless night with her sleeping by my side..but the distance seems so far aprt..

Miloice just fyi..i do not have much friend i can confide in..thats why often is people come find me talk because they trusted me..finding right people is easy talk..but i dun think i can find anyone like that to talk.to except counsellor? i know i have a weak mind as day past by i am getting weaker and weaker..be it mentally or physically..the problem is i dont really wish to cut my losses now..i have to keep her protected till the third party is out of the game..now its just a matter of time.. that guy only wanna have physical contact w her, thats only his ultimate motive.. although he is in china, i have my ways to find out wat happen..

Hi greendoryfish..its easier say then done..i.cant to see her crying so badly and i dun wan her to hurt herself..i know my strenght is definitely bigger then her, so i try to keep less contact w her unless shes hurting herself like last few times..in this past 6 yrs i nv see her so upset to the extend of pulling her own hair and biting herself..i dun wan her to be like me..i rather i just be the one suffering..its alright..

I have already make the worst decision.and have alot of scenario.in mind wat she is gonna do and how i gonna prove myself..and also all these while dragging and dragging i guess she and the third party might be planning something against me, i hope she can kill me or slowly poison me to death..i know u will say i am silly or stuff like that..but i really love her badly..can anyone teach me how to love her lesser? nowsdays she has been slowly cutting whatsapp and messagaing w me but i can see her online most of the time.. how can i not assume anything? I really guess the time is gonna come soon..i have to well prepare for it myself..he might be coming sg sooner or later since my wife cant go oversea for the moment..his whole mind if full of certain things only..

Are you fine with her having cheated on you once? Is the trust still there? If not just cut losses and move on. If you want her to come to you, go out, get to know friends, build your confidence. Once she sees how happy you can be without her, she may come to her senses. Make it known that there are women who like men like you. Sometimes women don't know what they are missing out on until they are about to lose it.