Why?

nace

New Member
I have married for 6 years. For the past 6 years my Hubby did not initiate to make love with me. I'm alwaz the one initiating but he will alwaz comes up with excuses to avoid having sex. I knew he is alwaz masturbating rather than coming to me. I feel very hurt and lost from his actions. I don't know why is he doing this to me. Can the men here englighten me why is he like this? Isn't that he don't really love me?
 


nace

New Member
Before marriage, I thought it's was because he was afraid o will get pregnant so refused to get intimate with me.
 

nichie

Member
So both of you have not has any sex before till now? How long you have known each other and married? He has never initiate any intimacy with you before? He don't seem to be those low sex drive person since he DIY. Btw, how you know he DIY?
 

nace

New Member
We do have but seldom and it's Alwaz I'm the one pushing for it. We were together for about a year before we got married. He mentioned to me that he is having pain n abrasion during the acts. Maybe that is why he alwaz refuse to make love with me. I have talked to him umpteen time on what can we do with the problems. But he seems to be avoiding.I understand men are not comfortable to talk on this problem but without him being open to me I don't know what can i do to help him and myself. Somehow I feel there is a lack of bond with him due to this problem and it's been so many years and I alwaz hv to questions myself.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"I understand men are not comfortable to talk on this problem but without him being open to me I don't know what can i do to help him and myself."

Please do not stereo-type men. The problem is you married someone that isn't vocal nor honest with issues. Someone that prefer to avoid then work things out. The pain from abrasion is simply overcome normally with lubs. Have u try any? Your issue is beyond sex. the communication channels seems non existence hence u never feel much intimacy.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Milo,

I don't think she is stereo-typing men unfairly. Most men would not want to talk about sex issue with spouse especially if they are the ones having problem. It is a fact even if it is stereo-typing.

On the other hand I agree, the communication is lacking - that is something she has to work on. She should work on the communication first then sex second.
 

nace

New Member
Hi Milo and Simpleman,
Both of you are right!We do have communication problems.Everytimei tried talking to him peacefully on our problems.He will not look at me and said anything,after that he will raise his voices at me and asked me to shut-up not to continue with what i'm saying.I'm someone who dont believe in screaming and yelling if there is a problem. I believe in a relationship we should try to understand th other party inner feelings and thoughts,try looking at things from their shoe and compromisewith each other differences.With his attitudes towards me,i don't know how should i handle him.Each time i want to talk to him about us.I will be very fearful and stress.

Milo,recently i have bought lubricant,its does help abit.
I think i don't exactly know how men think which is why i'm here seeking for advices and enlightnment.I know there are men who is willing to work together with spouses to solve problems. It's true, i also knew my hubby is someone who are not vocal when comes to relationship problems. This is a real headache for me.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Nace, I don't have solutions for you. You probably cannot fix him. No one can correct and change someone. The only way you can get him to cooperate is for him to want to cooperate.

So, your communication shouldn't about make him do things. You gotta use lots of empathy. Frankly, the willingness and openness to accept criticism and feedback is a very fundamental requirement for a life partner to me. I can accept many flaws but not someone that value pride above common sense and the relationship & marriage. I believe with this attitude, the couple would be able to overcome many obstacles together. Even if they fail eventually, they would have no regrets because they fought together and not against each other.
 

powder

Active Member
if the fear is over sex itself, u can try foreplay for men... basically get into the whole act of sneaking your hands into his pants and masturbating him to a high... perhaps just once or twice, third time round u can prep yourself with lubricants and go on top of when he's on a high...

perhaps that can help in allaying the fears he has.
 

nace

New Member
Milo,i agree with you.No one can change another person unless the person is willing to do so voluntary. I guess my marital problems will not be able to resolve unless my hubby is willing to have a sincere talk with me.
I tried using empathy approach but its does not do much help. I even told him the purpose of talking to him is not wanting him to change i merely need to understand things and see what i can do on my part. I used to be feeling upset when i realised my hubby is putting his pride above our relationship. I'm still keeping the faith that my hubby will try to work things out with me one day.

Powder, thanks for the suggestion.I have tried using the method you mentioned. I got scolding from him before and he asked me not to touch him. I stopped doing this. I really don't know what should i do and when is the right time to ask him even after 6 years!Such a failure of me as a wife! Whenever i want to have intimacy with him i'm fearful he will flare up or reject me. I get rejection for so many times till i'm tired of asking. But i don't wish to give up. I will try this method again. Thanks.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Nace, face it. You do not even have a normal relationship with this man. Let alone a sexual one. Forget abt the sex if you cannot have a partner with him. I suggest you to set a deadline. Know your limit. You live only once and you can and should pursue your happiness.
 

nichie

Member
You live only once and you can and should pursue your happiness.

Are you advocating divorce? Are you overreacting? Is sex the be all and end all in a marriage? Seriously, can someone remain in a happy marriage without or limited sex?

Nace

How long have both of you been married? You have only knew him for only 1 year before deciding to marry him, how you get to know him and what make you deicided to marry him? Like someone said....there's more issues behind this and without further details, it will be difficult to know why he is behaving this way....how old are both of you?
 

simpleman

Active Member
Outcast,

I don't think Milo is over-reacting. There are serious problem.. not only sexual ones. They are not communicating at all.

Is sex the be all and end all in a marriage? Seriously, can someone remain in a happy marriage without or limited sex?


Sexual compatibility is more important. Sex is not the all and end all in a marriage. But it is important to be sexually compatible. If both don't like sex.. then a sexless marriage can be a happy one. I know of one such couple. But if one party wants and needs sex and the other party is not willing - this is going to be a recurring issue.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Outcast, its beyond sex as already mentioned since the 1st reply to Nace. Somehow sex, is the only thing you are picking up from it? huh??

TS is trying hard to work on her sex prob when there are clear signs of the lack of a healthy 2 way relationship in the very first place.
 

nichie

Member
Ya...I know sex is not the only problem...there is this communication problem too as stated, however, its not having satisfactory sex that cause her frustration and unhappiness...thts y I asked is it sex the be all and end all in a marriage...if not...she will not have this problem and you will not be advising her to look for other happiness...from her description, she only have problem when she talked about her sexual problem with her hubby...may be this is a man ego thing..nothing to do with communication...as she did not tell us more abt their relationship or is there other communication problem in other aspect of their life...so...if sex is the be all and end all....her marriage is not in such a dire situation as described by you....

Btw..one thing...since sexual compatibility is important in a marriage...however..how we know whether we are compatible with our bf/gf before marriage...to engage in active premarital sex?...if a guy only kiss and hug you but never go further than tht if he has the opportunity...does he has low sex drive or worst he don't find the gal sexually desire..??
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
There are other ways than premarital sex to find out on one's sexuality. I am for sexual awareness. We need to know how important it is for us. A blank piece of paper is a total unknown. We will not know of any issues. Every person needs differ. I have shared this before several times that both wife and myself have the conviction to remain virgins before marriage. It didn't stop us to talk and share about our sexuality and as we got more serious into marriage, to discover more intimacy together. The important thing is not just doing lots of sex. But being able to have a completely honest and open communication between the couple.

I see the pride over logic as a major stumbling block. If everything is smooth, then they are lucky. The moment they are hit with a sexual prob, there aren't going to be a solution as long as he clamps up and remain defensive no matter how patient or how much empathy she is showing. This man needs to grow up and get over his stupid ego.

How healthy can a relationship be if one always need to suppress themselves to accommodate to the pride of the partner. Don't get me wrong, some women really don't mind. But, if they mind, it will surely be a major issue.
 

nichie

Member
keke...thanks milo..."remain virgins"..can I take it literally or just means refrain from sex?...my bf will be shock if I talk to him about sexual compatibility or awareness...haha....he will be thinking what the hell am I thinking....
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
haha... it depends how open and comfortable the both of you are able your own sexuality. What era are we in now. Communication is very essential in modern relationship. We don't just settle and be merry about have a family and roof over our heads.
 

nichie

Member
keke...he is definitely not tht type lei...he even seldom talk 'dirty' to me...he only kiss and hug me and not any further..haha...not that I want but I was wondering is it normal for a guy...I thought most guys are wolf lei...haha...no offence har
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Outcast, I think almost all men are wolf inside. Just how well we contain that animal only. You don't expect from 0 to 100 out of the sudden after marriage. No pre-marital sex doesn't mean no intimacy. Intimacy doesn't always lead to sex. Wife and myself are no so active in bed either but we are closely intimate since courtship days. Its not just kisses and hugs, its the closeness of curdling and falling asleep & waking up in each other arms, the massages, stroking of her hair etc. There is a lot to intimacy. It enhances the quality time couples spend together, be it just watching TV or reading a book at home or a stroll in the park or even shopping in a mall.
 

nichie

Member
ya quite true...most of the time...I felt a sense of bliss and love from him by just holding hands strolling along the parks or seaside...I also felt protected and loved when he is hugging me...keke...what the hell is happening to me today...thinking of such thing in the office...but I long for a hug right now lei...haha..
 

nace

New Member
Hi all,

I knew my problems is beyond sex.Sorry that i didnt mentioned this earlier on resulting a debate between you guys here!
Simpleman is right, we are not communicating at all and i also feel i dont have a normal relationship with him like what Milo had said!

Milo,i totally understand the every sentences and messages you trying to convey to me here. The things you mentioned is exactly what i see from my own situations and thoughts. Actually i did set a deadline before but i didnt keep the promise i set for myself. .I really hate myself for being so tolerance and patient. I know what i want for my relationship. I believe in quality of life. Like what you said I live only once and i have the right to pursue my own happiness. But i lack of courages.Am alwaz questioning myself, 'why cant i be some other girls who will just spit out their unhappiness freely to their partner!'
 

magaz

Member
Nace, pls do yourself a favour and be respectfully honest with your husband. it has been 6 yrs! Think it this way! And this person is supposed to be the one who is closest to you and knows you well and you should not have any qualms about being truthful to him.

Sex is always a difficult and sensitive topic to thread on for both guys and gals alike, sometimes a bit more for guys... but his avoiding the problem is not going to solve the problem at all, or even make it mildly better. How long does it have to be this way? How long can you take it? maybe you need to 'threaten' him a little or let him realise it's not helping the both of u in the long run. My guess is that he needs to see a urologist...
 

nace

New Member
Hi mx,

My hubby knows the problem.I have been talking to him on our sex problem for 6 years.We have quarrelled about this issue for many times.I have asked him to see dr and he did.Doctor suggested we use lub. But i guessed the real reason is he might not like to have sex cause its energy consuming and tiring.
But i know the real problems between us is communication problem! More than just sex....
Yes,i agreed with you... the person is supposed to be the one closest to me and knows me well. I also wanted so much to tell him about my thoughts but now i am not only unable to tell him my worries and unhappiness even the things i appreciated he did for me. I don't even feel like or dare to tell him.
 

cococherry

New Member
Nace,
Because you aint some girls. There must be sexual compatibility, have you ever discuss this topic with him prior to marriage?
 

powder

Active Member
if there's no food at home, then eat outside.

if there's never food at home, then u can have a longterm patronage of a feel eateries liao...

u can't force food to appear, neither can u dun eat, so eat outside lor... but wipe your mouth before returning home...

of cos, no harm letting partner know u intend to eat outside first. if they dun really care, then u know there's definitely no problem with food, but the cook.

is there such a thing as spider woman? maybe u can tell him a spider woman joke... u know? Webs....? hehe

he doesn't wanna do anything... that's the bottom line.
 

nichie

Member
what inside outside food...should not encourage people to eat out lah, bad for health...TS should work on the communication issue with her home cook first...to make the cook understand why having home cooked food is important and how it should be cooked...not eating out while there is a cook at home....roots of disharmony kitchen at home....if really cannot get the the home cook to listen...then fired him first and find another home cook....dont eat out lah...high salt and too oily...not a longterm solution...

What spiderwoman joke? web some more...?? aiya...dont try to turn ourselves into a spiderwoman lah...dispised by all woman leh...mostly without good ending...try to turn your man into superman better...if not..change ourselves into wonderwoman better...show off our bodyline but kick those bad guy's butt...
 

powder

Active Member
u guys have alot of patience to iron out fundamental flaws and mismatches. i dun... there are certain fundamentals that i would assess to be unmatchable and will cut my losses, i do not wish to bear the consequences of losing youth n precious time n life trying to chase and get something from pple who would never give it.
 

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