Why must I force him...

amihappy

New Member
dear all, i thought I pen down my thoughts as a way to release myself. There is no one I can talk to..my bf and I had been together for 1.5 years. Everything is fine except he is a quiet man and seldom talk much. I had several relationships before and this one consider more stable one. Recently, I had been popping out the question of marriage and doesnt get a response. By the way, I am close to 30 in less than 2 years. I am quite depressed by it. I asked him whether i am the right one for him, he said yes but why doesnt he say he wants to marry? I am not sure whether 1.5 years is still early in the relationship but I thought if he really love and wants to be with me forever, he would popped the question and he knows we are not young anymore. I feel upset. when i asked him whether he has plans and he said yes but doesnt want to elaborate. I told him if he thinks i'm not the partner he looking for, just tell me. He just say don't think so much...I really don't know what I can do and I doesnt want to sound so desperate. sigh...why must he still say about children thing, about wanting to stay together forever when he got nothing to say about marriage.

Should I just leave? Please advise me what is the best to do. feel free to ask questions. thks!
 


findingnemo

New Member
hmmm... to me 1.5 yrs is considered early in the relationship. But of course, there is no standard norm in the length of relationship before marriage. Some couples tied the knot after dating for a short time and are happily married.

Some men I notice are scared of commitment. Marriage is for life and thus they are scared of the responsibilites thereafter. Although they love their gfs, they need some pushing into marriage. On the other hand, some men cannot wait to settle down and will pester their gfs for marriage.

You have to see what kind of man is your bf and employ a suitable "tactic" to deal with this "problem".
 

cuclainne

New Member
kristy, if it's one thing i've learnt, it is to never pressure the guy. for all you know, he might have been wanting to ask you the question but by popping out the question yourself, he might feel stressed out by it. initially i was proposed to, without a ring - he promised a ring was on its way. about 6 months later, i kept dropping hints but then he told me that he felt pressured by the hints, that it'll happen in due time so i kept quiet and less than a week later, i got it.

why are you depressed about turning 30 in 2 years' time? you are still young, girl .. you should be enjoying life.

1.5 years is still a relatively young relationship.. why are you in a rush to get married?
 

powder

Active Member
sometimes when we go shop for something which we wanna buy... we'll go into the shop, ask for the product, browse abit and just take a closer look. sometimes we wanna have some makan to think before we make the purchase... sometimes we just feel like buying it another day. actually for me, most times i'll only buy just before i go back, so that i dun have to carry the shopping bag around...

things that will make me not buy, or buy Somewhere else... will be a pushy sales person, perhaps something in the product which i just realise i dun like, or something i'd like to further think abt. it could be a handbag, a watch or a car.

i think we all can agree on 1 thing... we dun like to be pushed when we're not ready to commit to the purchase.

now run that into a lifetime commitment in marriage.

No, doesn't mean the product is flawed, nor does it mean the problem is You.
No, doesn't mean he doesn't love u nor doesn't wanna marry u.
Sometimes pple just wanna think abit longer, abit harder, before they commit. i dun see anything wrong with that.

i think i realised thru the years... ladies like yourself sometimes pick for things to pick on, and most times - the problem doesn't exist except perhaps - u have nothing more exciting in life nor engaging enough, to actually keep u occupied.

again, nothing wrong with that. but i believe most guys are more inclined to be distracted by 2-3goals in 4-5 aspects of their lives, at any one time. and they split their focus... guys like myself Absolutley hate to be pushed, and if u are in an urgency, i would think u should leave me. i will marry when i'm ready to commit. it's that simple. and sometimes it's absolutley irritating when i'm just planning, and u're there constantly asking me to plan...

patience is a virtue in this case. u have your answers, but u are pushing too hard for a time-frame to meet Your expectations. have u asked yourself why u're in a rush? why 30?

now... before u give me the answer on biological clocks, Pls makes sure it is Not a conveniently-used-by-women answer. pls Mean It. the answer has to be Yours and Yours alone. Not tainted by family, frens nor social pressure.

he has given u all the answers to his commitment n the kids thingie, except popping the question. to me it's quite abit... if u can't appreciate that u are part of his life, only without the papers for Now, then obviously u'll feel all depressed. u gotta learn to deal with that yourself, and not expect his assurances on the time frame. u are seeking assurance that he'll marry u... If u know a person is true and exclusive to u, i feel it's enough for now. i would give relationships 3yrs... your age is important, but it should not get in the way of a meaningful relationship. whether u marry at 25 or 35 is not something that's gonna be your stigma, nor isit gonna be anything to boast abt.

if it's becos u wanna start a family, then ask abt starting a family... not abt the marriage. in today's context, marriage is losing value, but starting a family will always hold value... so change your approach.

lastly, if u ever gonna answer me with "we women" and tell me that i dun understand, then that will be precisely the reason why he will ever have second thoughts on marriage to u.
 

amihappy

New Member
I just feel 30 is already not young. I am quite depressed by it. Actually I knew I shouldnt pressure him, it would made him even more fearful but I can't help it. Perhaps becos of family pressure and all my friends are all blissfully married for so long. I just wish...and hope he just let me off, if he doesnt want to get married instead of hurting me...

Nemo: Yes, some man need pushing so I thought i need to do some pushing but no response still. Sad. Now i don't know whether he really love me.

I really doesnt want to pressure him any further.it makes me look so bad...I hope I can seal my mouth...sigh.
 

amihappy

New Member
Hi powder, thanks for the explanation. It indeed give me some light. Yes, perhaps the numbers 30 is putting a big pressure to me, I need to look at the bigger picture. I knew I shouldnt do that..keep asking and pushing...I suppose right now, my bf should be feeling negative about me..ya? sigh...what should i do now...
 

powder

Active Member
(in reply to 11:52 am post)

and there u go...

all your reasons above dun seem to take his feelings into consideration even if u wanna Marry him and share a life together...

isn't it ironic that u wanna go into a marriage with Him, but your considerations are for yourself, your frens, your family, seeing others in marriage etc?

and if u're not willing to wait, pls break up. waiting for him to breakup when he's committed to u and just hasn't popped the question is Not fair to him either. u cannot wait, yet u wanna wait... Harlow? who's the one without a clear head here?

and if u dun push him, it should be becos u dun wanna give him pressure. not becos it makes u look bad.

so far from wat i see... u live to please.

again nothing wrong with that, but pissing off the man u love most in pleasing others and yourself - does not make u very marry-able...
 

amihappy

New Member
sigh...powder, if he is committed, I suppose he would give a timeframe instead of keeping quiet to all my questions?

I get what u mean. Perhaps, you can give some advise of what I should do next. I wouldnt want to break up with him as I love him.
 

powder

Active Member
hi kristy,

u putting too much undue pressure on yourself... obviously i can't give u a guarantee and life offers none. but i can pretty much guarantee u that pressuring someone into marriage isn't gonna be any guarantee either.

i believe it would do u good to take a step back, perhaps throw in a holiday with the girl gang first... come back and relook at life and what's truly important.

i'm not saying u are a bad person or anything, but i think alot of thoughts are coming together and piling up in your head and u feeling this intense pressure... which will be spilled-over to him. so best take a step back, smell the roses and just observe life around u for awhile...
happy.gif
 

amihappy

New Member
Hi poweder, thks. Yes, I am very pressure perhaps overlook certain aspects. Actually, I am also thinking of going for a short holiday alone. My girl friends are all married so I dont think they can accompany me.
 

powder

Active Member
sometimes it's in the way u ask your questions...

just go shop for a handbag u've always wanted at takashimaya and observe how the sales-pple talk to u. some make u wanna buy, some make u feel like u cannot afford, some - u wanna buy also not shiok to buy liao.

sales pple will tell me to reserve, tell me last piece, tell me limited, tell me all sorts of things. OK, maybe tat may make me wanna buy sooner rather than later... but honestly i still won't tell them when i'm ready to buy. i already commit to buying, i dun need to commit to when i wanna buy.

i guess if u wanna touch on the topic, then u should talk abt wanting to start a family - if that is an aligned thought.

ps: ASK your gfrens, dun decide they cannot go simply becos they are married. my wife is married n she goes for holidays with the girls... i know alot of married pple who go holiday with the girls... Dun stereotype the moulds... marriage does not make u unable to travel nor do things that being single can do...
 

amihappy

New Member
Thks for yr advise. Perhaps, I shouldnt ask about this again in near future and just enjoy the relationship now. I do hope I have not change his impression of me. I had several relationships before and all ended no good. I am very afraid of this current one, hope u know what i mean. I just feel nothing good will happen to me.
 

tomasulu

Member
is he someone who doesn't talk much or someone who doesn't talk much to you? is 'stable' all you can say about the guy you are with for 1.5 years? if you don't even know whether you are the girl for him, why do you want to marry him? i get the feeling that to you, marriage is key and the guy is just incidental to that pursuit.
 

thommy

New Member
Don't pressurise him into marriage, if he's not ready, he's just not ready, period. I'm saying this from a guy's perspective, and guys HATE to be pressurised into doing things which they are not mentally ready for. Pull too much and the rope could just snap.

You are still young at 28...in fact I wld consider you are in the prime of your life...why the rush to get married? Just bcos all ur lady frens are married and you aren't? My FW is 34 now, she didn't plan to get married, was intending to remain single for the rest of her life until we met...and we are getting married next yr. No big deal though, only worry is childbirth, at her age we need to take some precautions and we've both talked abt this already.

A 1.5yrs relationship is still quite new to me, give both of u sometime and marriage may eventually come into the picture. All the best.
 

royal_salute

New Member
Actually too long a relationship also nt very healthy... many cases of couple dont feel like married after a very long relationship....

Dont mention to him anymore but mayb can drop hints to him at times... eg comments on the wedding bands when walking past a jewellery shops, etc
 

bellecityster

New Member
I agree too that 1.5yrs may be quite fast to talk about marriage. But I do not understand why can't guy just give her an answer, rather than just keeping quiet about it. Why is it so difficult just to speak his mind?
 
Kristy,

We must learn to be immune to peer pressure from lady friends.

After pressurising the guy to agree to a marriage, what're next? Pressurise him to get a big diamond because other lady friends also have big ones? Pressurise him to host a grand wedding because other lady friends also have grands ones?

Anyway a marriage cert can't guarantee that the guy's love for the gal will last forever right? To me, the cert is more about giving us the greenlight to apply for HDB and give birth to kids.

Haha if your BF is susceptible to peer pressure, he can grumble why the GF hasn't have big boobs like other guys' GFs? We gals dislike this type of guys. Similarly, guys dislike being compared.
 
Belle,
"i asked him whether he has plans and he said yes but doesnt want to elaborate."

Kristy's BF already answered her that he HAS THE PLAN to get married ;) Isn't the answer clear enough?

A guy needs time to ponder about the fine details, eg. finance, timing, venue.
 

amihappy

New Member
who?me? : he is someone who doesnt talk much..intially when we r together, it's worse..now, it's getting better as he is more willing to open up and share with me more things abt himself.

thomas: I agreed that I shouldnt keep pressure him but I couldnt control myself. I am very fearful that everything will be drop the drain like my previous relationships. Perhaps, it's my ownself problem that I cant meet someone who is willing to have me in his future. This is depressing.

belle: yes, that is exactly what i mean. if he has plans, he could share with me. to keep mum means he never think of that before, that's y he has nothing to say.

green: I'm not those girl who want big diamond ring. he knows that. A marriage cert cant guarantee the love but it's an assurance, to the girl, to the girl's parents.

thanks all for the replies...make me think about it seriously. Perhaps, I am still very immature and doesnt take into consideration of all the details. I guess the only thing is to stop asking and live my life now.
 

bellecityster

New Member
Green> I find the reply that Kristy'bf is just for entertainment. Even if he is genuine about the answer, it is not enough to give a woman assurance. With a reply of not elaborating further... it just doubtful and unconvincing.
 

mayimayi

New Member
QTE
belle: yes, that is exactly what i mean. if he has plans, he could share with me. to keep mum means he never think of that before, that's y he has nothing to say.
UNQTE

kristy, how do you know he never think of that before just because he has nothing to say? You mean you can read his mind accurately?? 0_o

If not, please dun assume. My bf always tell me assumption is the mother of all screw ups. So please do not assume.
 

thommy

New Member
He's quiet, nothing to say but that doesn't mean he's not keen to marry you kristy. I myself am quiet by nature too, I write better than I speak. He may be thinking of deeper things like finances (to get married) and other stuff, so not wanting to elaborate much on his plans doesn't mean he's not keen on marriage. Just give him some time to sort things out instead of making wild assumptions which does NOTHING to help allay ur fears and frustrations.

Your 'problem' is more of a psychological factor than anything else to me. Marriage is a lifelong process and one shld think carefully over it first (such as planning) before rushing into it. You fear your current relationship will end just like your previous ones, so u want to get married faster just that that u can rest easy, isn't that so? If he's not ready yet, u rush him into marriage, u think he will be happy? May even end up in divorce I can tell u...this is not what u want right?

so just relax, be happy and he will eventually pop the question one day. Don't worry needlessly abt this, there are other more important priorities in life for u to attend to.
 

cuclainne

New Member
kristy, first of all you've got to let go of your past relationships - you cannot say that just because all your previous relationships failed, that this is how the current relationship will turn out too. keep saying it to yourself many, many times and you will end up believing it and sabotage your own happiness. yes, learn from the mistakes, apply what you've learnt and positives to the new relationship but don't ever compare.

he might just need some time to think things through - like the others say, marriage is a lifetime commitment and is not something to be done on a whim.

just enjoy your relationship for now, live for the day and eventually good things will come ..
 

powder

Active Member
erm, kristy...

i Highly recommend against 'hinting'. it is a peeve... and besides, wedding rings n items pertaining to weddings/marriage are seriously Very Obvious... so that contradicts hinting... most guys are not dumb until they can't see what u're getting at. and most guys aren't tat smart if your hinting is too 'un-hinty'.

i'm not sure if some of u realise here, but a wedding, house, and the full works of getting married will require savings... a large chunk of it. and tat's just the financial preparation...

i dropped 2 gfrens becos they seem more into getting married than a meaningful relationship. personally i dun see the difference in a relationship with cert and without, except telling pple u have a cert. else the cert is just for HDB, Child n Subsidies. not wanting to get married during those times does not make me less faithful, less committal nor less loving. it simply makes me - not ready to get married.

being 'not ready' is mostly financial, and also perhaps - not ready to live together entirely with a person yet. it does not quantify the love, nor does it give validation to the strength of the relationship.

using 'love me enough to want to marry me' and all sorts of other reasonings - IS Blackmail. emotional blackmail.

if u love me u'll learn to eat curry fishhead, if u love me u'll learn to cook lasagne, if u love me u'll not see your parents again... these are all Conditional statements. they are Exchanges. love is not quantifies nor qualified in such manner.

wanting to marry u when u're 28 does not mean he has to tell u "i'll marry u before 30". if u need that, and he can't give u... then u will Still have future communications issues. Some pple dun give their word so freely becos they always stick to their words... some guys promise very freely and make u happy for those moments, but in the longterm they deliver little or nothing at all.

Belle seems to be looking for assurance in marriage. that is a Mistake commonly made... assurance is found in the partner u choose, not in the marriage nor the cert nor the timeline.
 

amihappy

New Member
my bf told me before he dun anyhow give promises. i think that's the reason he say nothing. I think i had sound too desperate as a woman should not be. Sometimes, just envy woman who dun have to do anything and there came a romantic proposal..I feel i am not too bad but just dun have the luck, i guess.

shall just enjoy the relationship first and won't think too much abt it anymore. Actually I don't wish to put on pressure to him too. I suppose if he has any financial problem, he should share with me? at least i know it's because of financial right?
 
Kristy,

Before even thinking about marriage, I suggest you to get over your sense of insecurity due to your previous failed r/s. Otherwise, after getting the $26 cert, you may still need a lot of reassurance and resort to checking his HP and MSN chats (quoting an extreme example)
 

thommy

New Member
Guys have pride and dignity kristy. He may not want to share with you due to this as we deem ourselves to be 'head' of the family.
 

saggitarian

New Member
"shall just enjoy the relationship first and won't think too much abt it anymore. Actually I don't wish to put on pressure to him too. I suppose if he has any financial problem, he should share with me? at least i know it's because of financial right?"


kristy ..

how much sincerity there is .. in shelving the matter .. i seriously see none .. u dun seem to be able to convince yourself by the advices that we give ...


i believe u do maths in sch last time ..

y will u wan to showhand and decide to spend the next 40 years with someone u just get together on 1.5 years just becos 2 years deadline of been 30 and not yet married.

but i dun understand how come ur title is "why must i force him . " its a question or its an explanation ..
 
hi kristy,

it is not becos u r not good enough and that's why u dun meet a guy who wants to marry u. yet.

he just happen to be one of those who wants more time to consider before popping the qns. yes, financial constraints may be one of the reason.

just relax and enjoy the relationship. hey, at least he showed no signs of dumping you right? so why do you imagine and fret over nothing?
 

magic_alz

Active Member
1.5 years is not very long but not very short.
i know of someone who married 6 months into the relationship. happily married with 2 adorable kids now. my hubby n i married after in the 9th year of our courtship. also happy with 1 precocious toddler now. the length of the r/s doesnt dictate how ready u are or how happy your marriage is.

i got married without an engagement ring, without expecting one. but 2 years after signing on the dotted line, he bought me one. my hubby's also the kind who hates being pressurized.

don't expect and you will not be disappointed, but instead u may be pleasantly surprised if a bonus comes your way.

in the midst of all this, you must remember who you are because that's who your boyfriend fell in love with in the first place. so find yourself again and do the things that you do before you met him, give yourself your life back and u'll find that the day he proposes will come as a pleasant surprise
 

topaz

New Member
hmm.. kristy. Dont get too paranoid.
Me and my bf have been together for 8 years and he just proposed last year.. we did talked marriage and our future together.. I didnt pressurise him cos we are of the same age... he needs to go thru ns, uni and now he just started work. I did drop some hints to him though... he popped the qn after he worked for 6 months and we will be getting married next year
happy.gif
Though i was disappointed why he didnt pop the qn after so long been together, after the proposal i understand why.. he wana give me the best he can afford
happy.gif

Hmm.. maybe u dont worry too much, ur bf might be planning a surpraise for u
happy.gif
 

bluurry

New Member
is he the right one for you? or are you trying to rush into marriage before you are 30?
Has your bf indicated otherwise that he is not thinking of marrying you?
 

flowerygal

New Member
Kristy,
i had the same thinking as you in the past & wanted to get married before 30yrs old so as to plan for babies & etc. But somehow, you wanted to find out whether is your bf serious about you & have similar thinking as you. How did you pop the qns to him? If his response is quiet, perhaps you got to rethink. U are getting impatient whereas he still wish to wait abit longer before he decides to plan for marriage path.

If he remains to be negative now, then its either you continue to wait for him or leave him for someone else who have similar mindset to settle down early. Pls do not push him, otherwise your future marriage will not turn out well even if you succeed to make him marry u. Too stressed by your demands. It takes two hands to clap. Must have good chemistry right?
 

deerixp

New Member
kristy: hi..

hmm.. my bf and i got together 9 years le.. next yr (10th yr) then marry.. we were together since i was 17..so now, i am 26..

hmm 1.5 yrs is quite early in a relationship.. think maybe married in 3-4 yrs time should be fine..he may pop the question next yr? alternatively, u may suggest getting a flat or wat... e.g. BTO (which is ready in 3-4 yrs time).. c his reaction?? =)
 

amihappy

New Member
hi all...thks for all the replies and advises..those who shared with me your story, I hope all of us will be blissful always. I knew I had to think abt it and wat I wan. Is it really becos of the age factor that I am so desperate. I somehow understand now that I never consider my bf's feelings. Keep pushing him...when he is not prepared for it. I shall put this behind me and what is meant to be,will be meant to be.

hope u guys to share your stories, similiar problem if there is.
 

jolinr

New Member
hi kristy,

I can somehow understand your worries.

Times are always on men's side.
Age of 30 has different perception for man and woman. A 30 plus single man can still take time to find their life partner, but for a same age woman, situation would be different, we start to feel nervous, desperate especially friends around us are all married and blessed with children.

If a man fails in relationship at age 30, he still have time to look for and enjoy another 3 or years time of new relationship. But how many 3 or 5 years does a woman have?

Maybe you can try to tell your bf about your worries.
 

alcifertoh

New Member
Why 30 and that mentality? It's like linking oneself to be like a "product". Expiry date? That's sad leh. Check out Demi Moore. Way above 30. But very attractive. Take cue from that mentality. Otherwise it's this thinking that bring you down the hill. Not the figure of age.
 

vios

New Member
kristy,

good thing is that you understand more now. But pls don't blame yourself or blame 'luck' cos you're harbouring more pressure within yourself.

If he is a mover type of guy, trust him and his plans. Cherish for what he is, and enjoy the process in the meanwhile. Heck with all the social pressure and comparisons.
 

alcifertoh

New Member
SM, Next time I will teach my children to check for expiry dates. Maybe can get half price cos eager off the shelves.
 

vios

New Member
Brides like jolin will talk abt Age but totally lose sight of marriage itself.

Woman: "Please marry me because i'm turning 30..."
Woman: "Please marry me because i'm expiring in few yrs' time..."

Out of 10, i believe 9 guys will choose to leave if their gfs talk like that.

Man: "What? You want to marry because you are scared of social pressure, but not because of who i am.?"

See the difference?
 

simpleman

Active Member
vios,

ha ha.. if a girl ask me to marry her.. i would! anytime cos I come with 3 additional

But she would have to ask permission from my daughters first
 

alcifertoh

New Member
In time to come they will be the ones who continue the legacy of the pressuring to the next generation... "Aiyoh you still don't wanna get married ah? When I was your age I was mother/father whatever of how many and such."

It is not that guys have the upper hand of time. It is because guys are not affected by this mentality. Those who are very likely are also rushing for children to please their parents.
 

vios

New Member
sm, trust me.... i'm sure that your darlings would object if she talks like that... kids are smarter these days. They surely want someone who loves their dad for who he is lah...
 

vios

New Member
HBH, before they get to that point.... they will be the 'new social pressures' for other ladies.

and Sensible guys would know that it's such a turn-off reason to get married....
 

powderful07

New Member
Funny hor...Shouldn't we be marrying becos we are in love with each other
And not, because "I'm hitting 30 soon"...

I mean I can understand the social pressure when women turn the big 30 and they are still single...
But hey...wouldn't it be a bigger mistake if you rush head on in a marriage and only to find out it didn't work in the long run?

Is that mistake worth getting into just so you get married off before 30?

The key issue here is NOT whether if you can get married before you're 30.
It's more to do with the KEY REASON on whether if the 2 of you are in love with each other enough to get married.
 

jolinr

New Member
I am not saying the expired date of marriage for women is 30, i only said that the perception of age 30 to man and woman is different. And that's my view, doesn't mean that the thread starter must accept or follow what i said.

Did i mention that she must ask her bf to marry her regardless whether the man love her or not? Just to get married off before 30? Weird le.

Depend on what you pursue in a relationship, some might only want to enjoy the process of dating and do not want to commit in lifetime marriage, some just want to play - play and change new partner when it becomes bored, but there are some who want to form a family with partner under the LAW, officially.

And i am not asking her to get married before 30 ah. I just voice out my concern that should this relationship did not work out and let say her bf is about the same age as her, her bf can still take some time to find and fall into another relationship, but situation might not favour her.

And, I did not say that woman above 30 is unattractive (mei ren yao), yeah, correct, some 30 plus woman are still very attractive, but some lor, not all. right?
 


simpleman

Active Member
If you ask me.. 30 is too old lor..

expiry date should be 25.. ha ha

Best is before 20!

all these talks about arbitrary age is senseless lah..

Just for the record, I think a woman is most beautiful is her 30s - more confident, less edgy, less clingy and more self-assured. It is women approaching 30 or just pass 30 that is more edgy?
 

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