Why is he scared to commit?

[kelly11]

i am 29 this year and have a problem with my bf of 1 year (he is 30)...he claimed he loves me but he is very scared to commit and said if i keep pushing, it will make things worse....when i bring up issue of marriage(which i hardly), he says he dun knw, he never plan so far ahead...we can never have heart to heart talk as he will simply keep quiet or sleep when i want to talk serious..

i dun need him to be rich coz i am independent and has my own savings...i know he has no savings but i feel he must at least tell me where we are heading...his own friend told me he ever said he wants to settle down but got financial problems...i am afraid that if i go on and wait till he is ready to commit, he will eventually tell me he wont marry me etc...

he dont knw how to express himself well, he has a 'weird' character as in he seldom talk(even with his family/frenz) and always behave like a kid, needing my attention and pamper...i always give him my love n care coz i really love him alot but i seldom feel any from him..but he will show love only when i said i need assurance (as in he is not very 'auto' person)...

till now, he never meet my family n frenz before but he has brought me to his family gathering many times...his dad left the family many years back, is this a reason why he cant commit?

Is there any ways to make him commit?
Does he love me but just afraid to get married?
Should i stay on or end this r/ship?

 

[two_piece]

i thought someone has posted somehting similar before?

 

[powder]

commit to what?

he's in a relationship with u now... do u feel like he's very committed in the first place? if the answer is no, then wouldn't it be rather weird to be expecting him to commit to marriage plans?

why do u wanna get married? u intend to have kids? what's his thoughts on having kids? does he want any?

thing is... if his expectations from this relationship is just a BGR-relationship and he is not thinking further, then he is not thinking further. If he is financially unable to think further, then he will not think further.

one thing alot of girls dun realise is that not every guy goes into a relationship looking for it to end in marriage. a gfren is just a gfren, sometimes it's a trophy-girlfren... it really depends on the guy u're dating. likewise, some girls dun go into a relationship looking towards marriage... some just wan to have a companion.

end of the day u need to know wat u want... and talk to him. if the directions are different, then he's just not the right one... either one of u have to compromise your ideals...

 

[green_tranquility]

Why do some women always have the following formula in their heads?

Love Her = Must Marry Her

So Don't Want to Marry Her = Don't Love Her

 

[mayimayi]

because kena influence by tv dramas???

 

[agag]

I have come across similar incident like yours, but in my frez case, they have date for more than 10 years (!) and the guy didn't though of getting married and even his parents are not 'pushing', when my frenz kinda of waiting from her 20s to 30s... I know how it's like especially when women's youth is limited and guys' are like wine, when it might get better as they grow old.

Anyway, back to your case. Based on your judgement and knowledge of his character, what sort of person do you think he is? In terms of financial stability, what exactly does he mean by that?

This happens to my bf too. He wants to settle down with me but main concern is $. He would want to have a career with certain financial strength because he wants to be able to provide me with better life... after we're married, we'll need bigger house when we have children, together with his parents. Certain planning which he didn't really 'voice' it out but was sort of like mutual understanding.

I'm with him for 4yrs and we're getting married end of the year. It really depends on individual and how both of you see it.

For you, if you're looking at a more official status, might want to suggest ROM first then save money together for a yr... set a target and both of you achieve together. That way, maybe he wouldn't feel so stress.

 

[kelly11]

actually i have been tinking lately, i can give up idea of marriage (maybe marry is to make my parents happy n have kids 'legally'), i can live with his character...coz when i love a person, i will give in my all, and its hard to pull out in the end...confusing, how come there is no life guarantee/insurance for love?

GREEN: if u are a guy, can u tell me why he wont meet my parents after being tog for a year? is this a form of commitment, which he cant fulfil?

ANTICIPATE: he has a job, no savings, got a car, some credit card debts...i did suggest to save tog, i dun mind starting with $100 per pax but he cant or dont want to do it..i dun knw...my guy friend told me, he himself also cant forkout $50 a mth so i cant blame my bf..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Kelly, are you the one who pays for all or most dating expenses too?

 

[green_tranquility]

Kelly,
Hehe my Bf (now Hb) refused to meet my parents for 2.5 years. I let him be. He only met up my parents after we had booked the wedding venue and studio package.

We outsiders won't be able to guess your Bf's reasons. Only he himself knows the answers. Why don't you talk to him again to find out more instead of guessing?

 

[powder]

kelly,

to be honest the money thing... be it $50 or $100, it's something that might take some getting used to... i'm one of those guys who dun believe in shared accounts... even now married with a kid, it's either i pay or wife pays... no need to clutter and share this/that. there's no comfort in that except knowing u're basically sharing costs equally.

my suggestion is to try cohabiting first... live together and see how that pans out. sometimes this will reveal more indepth characteristics which will be rather impt if u're gonna be spending a lifetime together.

also, in terms of committing, money is a huge mental barrier... it's almost in-built to want to be financially stable before one can qualify to be married.

 

[kelly11]

DOLL: no i dun pay for most of the expenses..we will take turns...he dun like to use my money, he wont accept my offer to help in his car installments...but sometimes i will top up his cashcard for him...

GREEN: why did he refused to meet during the 2.5yrs? can tell me his reason?

POWDER: its not that i want to have a joint account or be calculative...i am a person who is very easy with money, not that i am rich but i know money hurt r/ship...all i am tinking is, if he cant commit is due to financial reason, i want to try help him save so that he can commit...is that thinking correct? or stresing him again?

 

[powder]

depends on the guy really... whether he sees it as u 'helping' him or meddling.. also he's someone who doesn't mind the help. 'mi personally not keen to have someone help me, particularly wife/gfren... but i have a different story altogether which may not be applicable in your case.

if your agenda for helping him is for him to commit, then to me it's a no-no... end of the day it's to your benefit, no? better not... at least for now. stressing him - yes i guess he would feel stress and incapable to a certain degree... honestly when 2 pple are dating, sometimes try not to crossover too much. maybe to most girls it's sweet to do that, but sweet is something furthest from my mind...

anyway he sounds like a he's struggling abit to kickstart his career and get his finances in balance... that's Normal. give it some time and dun pressure too much... it doesn't help, especially if he doesn't want the help.

 

[agag]

hmm... has he been working for long? One thing i don't quite understand is why some people would struggle to folk out $ for the car but not anything else when car is not really a must in work. It's quite common nowadays.

I agree with poweder, try cohibiting first. At the same time, both of you will be understand each other's living habits, etc, which sometime could be a cause of quarrel in the future.

 

[powder]

for most guys, a car is like a handbag... of cos expensive and all that, but i would think it's a Necessary-Means... more as a spiritual extension.

but unfortunately pple also die-die need nice cars, new cars etc... so tat's why they struggle. nothing wrong with owning a car, but one must be realistic.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Kelly, topping up cashcard now and then for him should suffice. No need to help with his auto loan instalment as that is definitely beyond your role as gf.

But besides financials, I feel you need to take a closer look at your bf's personality - non-communicative and child-like behaviour. Don't you think you are nurturing an adult son than having a bf?

 

[kelly11]

he plans to buy motorbike and sell car to cut down expenses....then i asked if he want to cut down coz of us or his own sake...he said dont know...nearly gg to kill him lor...everything dont know...

 

[agag]

hmm... is he on regular job or with a stable job? Seems like a bit weird on the way he react to certain things...

 

[thommy]

can't even fork out $50 but owns a car and saddled with CC debts? think if u wanna spend ur life with him, u better have a good talk together and make him prioritise his needs in life.

If he doesn't wanna commit then DON'T force him to. Guys don't like to be pressurised into doing things they don't like to. Take it from me who's a guy too.

 

[kelly11]

ANTICIPATE: he has a stable job but just no savings lor..income ard 2-3k, enough for his own expenses bah

THOAMS: his car is abt 3-4 yrs old and CC debts are snowballed since he was younger...having a "good talk" wont happen, given his character...

i am quite stressed really...will flowers blossom eventually if i just wait patiently...dun stress him , dun force him, just love him with all i have like what i am doing now? Hoping he will wake up one day to place me in his future? OR am i just simply wasting my youth on a guy who will not grow up?

 

[miloice]

Income 2-3k and driving. Gosh!

 

[powder]

2-3k income will be quite unrealistic to expect him to commit to anything longterm, i dun even dare commit with a 4-5k income. it's a building stage (if he's actually building)... it's gonna be hard to even save $200 at this stage, so u've gotta align your expectations abit. If u see him in this for the longterm, then yes... u will have to seriously consider your future.

honestly if u love him, keep him as your bfren and nothing more... dun mix finances and dun offer to help. he has to figure this one out himself...

 

[thommy]

Then DO something...

Unless u dun mind spending the rest of ur life with someone who has practically no savings of his own and saddled with CC debts all his life.

 

[green_tranquility]

Kelly,
My then Bf told me that he didn't feel comfortable meeting my parents. But at the 6th mth of our r/s, he already asked about marrying me.

Your Bf's current finance status isn't sufficient to setup a family. If you plan to go ahead to get married with him, be prepared to skip the wedding dinner, and stay with his parents. Both of you won't have enough $$ for a wedding dinner and house. Are you fine with these arrangement? Will you build up resentment towards him because he can't give you certain things?

 

[agag]

kelly, you'll need to ahve a thought about the two of you possibly spending the whole life together. Can you foresee yourself doing so or it should be, what you foresee that scene to be?

It's not that we want you to give up the relationship, it's really up to you on whether you are able to take it. Now is probably just the 'starting' stage to go to 'level 1', not to mention proceeding to further stages, etc.

What happen if he initiate a break-up with you now? Do you feel somehow sad but also a little relieved or feels like 'dying' and that you can't live without him?

 

[ene]

The simple answer is: He's just not that into you.

The more complicated answer is as per what most have posted above. I am sure there are a million and one reasons why he doesn't want to commit but one thing's for sure: Pushing one to get married when he's not ready will ultimately lead to the breakdown of marriage. He will NOT change overnight. That's a fact.

So yes, either you continue to wait. Or to simply move on. I know it's easier said than done but you'd have to think long and hard if you'd want to waste your time on this guy who doesn't seem to be heading in the same direction as you.

 

[printing]

Hi Kelly,

U are positive in your relationship and this is a god thing, however i quite agreed with (ene). It seems that he's just not that into you.

Personally, i would prefer you to move on. Its appears to me that his love for you is not as strong as you love him.

Have a heart-to-heart session & see how it goes. Good luck..

 

[movingonlife]

hi kelly

I somehow agree with ene and kea.. he just not that into you.

Just sharing my experience with you.. I have the same thot as you before with my ex-HB.
The only difference is .. he does not have any job at all (frankly I do not know why i dare to take the plunge then.. I loved him too much i guess and i thought he will change when we are married) .. I will pay most of the expenses. Or help out "unknowingly to him". And as typical drama will unfold.. he started working.. found the "new world out there" and tell me "we are not suitable and i do not know why i married you"

When the guy seem reluctant to commit..always take a step back and observe the situation... don't be overblinded with your Love for him.. as it is hard to hold on to such r/s if he is not commited.. as love for live takes two to work hard on it.. and never think that marriage will change his habits..

Have a good talk with him or cool off for a while.. and think thru what you want in life..

Just my 2cent worth as i do not wish to see anyone going thru what i went thru..

Just a quote for you

"Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to."

 

[applepie2]

Hi Movingonlife...

It must ve hurt alot to discover the one's u helped so much, turn the tables against you in time to come...

The quote u wrote " Sometimes, u ve to let to to see if there was anything worth holding on to"..is so meaningful....

Where do u get the quote ? Keen to read the whole parable is there is one...

Thanks in advance...

 

[movingonlife]

Hi bearyhug..

yup.. it is indeed verypainful

but i have to be positive.. it made me who i am today.. a stronger me

oh the quote.. I forget where i got it..it is about a year ago.. I have been collecting quotes that helps me along the way.. i remember I just google on "quotes" for letting go.. and this came up.. glad you like it

this is one of the my favorite quotes that gave me strength during days when i am weak

 

[shirleypoise]

Kelly, if I were to be you, I'll ask him if he ever intends to get marry, and if ever, when. He may not even have that agenda in mind, thus he's being who he is now.

A lot of girls deemed being tog with a guy long enough would lead to the road of marriage. Is it really necessary so? There are pple who just wants to be attached but never to get married. Is he one of them?

If your agenda is to get married but he's not ready for it, you'll really have to decide how much longer you want to wait around. If you dun wish to wait any longer, just move on. Better than to marry him now and to divorce him later.

It's a fairy tale that girls are seeking in a marriage, but unfortunately getting marry doesn't equal to happily ever after. Esp in a situation like yours: we can't live on love alone. Be practical.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Finding a man that suits you is far easier than getting hooked up with a man hoping he will evolve along the way to suit you.

 

[mark78]

" Suitablity is often subject to one expectation yet evolution take time" but unrealistic ladies making the former beyond Charles Darwin Theory.

 

[tomasulu]

why do you want him to commit? from the way you described him, he sounds like a terrible choice for a husband.

 

[ginasjm]

Do you think you can live with this man for the rest of your life given his current treatment and personality? If you are questioning his love for you at this moment, it's pretty danger sign cos you're not feeling secure/sure, and can you live with this feelings for long? If this is on-going, ps dun expect him to love you more or change for better in years to come. Usually such stuff deterioriate. Initially my current partner would not want to webcam with my parents (cos we met and are living overseas) as he thinks its pretty 'unnatural' meet-my-parents over internet. He prefers face to face, but i told him i wanted my parents to be assured that i'm not with some dodgy man in a foreign land alone and i know it's out of love and respect for my feelings that he did it. Prolly due to my previous r/s, my ex does not want me to meet his friend (but fine with his family & relatives), i always tot its normal and i tot i should not force him (though i can't reason that out) anyway he's stuffed. I am so happy now (looking back) that he broke up with me though i cried like mad last time. From what i know he is now still so living in his own world and his la-la land. I learnt that happiness (being happy and in love) should not be compromised in any way. Everyone has their own gauge/defination of happiness. Respect and consideration for each other is very important. As much as you are giving him your respect and consideration to him, he should give and take. Relationship requires both parties to give and take, not lone-ranger. I wish you well. Think it through. Be with someone who loves you like you do or more. You deserve more.

 

[royal]

did it occur to you that he wants to clear his debts before committing to you in marriage? or that his CC debts are huge beyond his means to repay??

 

[bellethel]

I just heard a story today about a similar story. Gal: late twenties, Guy: Mid 30s.

The gal wanted the guy to commit into a marriage. But the problem is she cannot accept the fact that the guy have to live with his mum as his mum was a single parent n only have a son which is he. The gl very much wanted the guy to move out with her after marriage but the guy cannot afford to pay for 2 house. So he is now still a unhappy man stuck in a realtionship but will not want to commit to a marriage. The gal claims that he doesn't love her. But given such situation. How can the guy commit.

So Kelly, have u thought if there is any other issues that is between the 2 of u that is not possible to solve and that is why he is not willing to commit?

 

[kelly11]

Hi all, thanks for the advice...

I have been MIA for some time...Bf and I are now in cool off period...He said he needs time to think over..If he feels he still cant commit, he dont want me to waste my youth with him...i very confused, dun really understand what he wants...sigh...i already clearly told him if its financial issue, we can work out tog...if its coz he still wants to play or he dont love me, i will let go...
* how long should i wait for him to think?

I cried enough these few days coz he refused to see me during this time...heart ache...if he really wants to break, I also want him to tell me the reason face to face and i will give up..i want him to be happy, i shouldnt be so persistent at this age liao..right?

Now i am just finding ways to not think of him while waiting for his answer. I have few frenz so i need to expand my social circle, take up some courses or maybe charity..any suggestions for me?

 

[sgbabydoll]

"i very confused, dun really understand what he wants"

Kelly, if what he wants and what you want are two different things, what would you be prepared to do next? Expect him to change or change yourself to suit him? If you do not already have an answer, perhaps it's better not to know what he wants because it's not like you can do anything about it.

"i already clearly told him if its financial issue, we can work out tog...if its coz he still wants to play or he dont love me, i will let go..."

Hey, don't undermine the impact of financial issues in relationship. If you have nothing to do with him in a difficult financial situation in the first place, stay out of it now. You are gf, not wife, no obligation to help.

"if its coz he still wants to play or he dont love me, i will let go..."

Does a man committed to marriage necessarily mean he loves you? Many people get married for an HDB flat, because they want to leave their own family, because everyone else around them is hitched, etc, etc, etc, not necessarily love.

 

[kelly11]

Just met up with him after 12 days..i missed him so much...somehow we both ended up crying so hard...i can still feel his love but still he dont knw why he cant commit...guess i must let go now

where do i get strength to get over? i know time will heal..i know nobody is indispensable...i know i know...but why dont he knw why he cant commit if he still loves me?

 

[thommy]

get urself busy, go sign up for some courses at ur nearest CC and widen ur social circle.

 

[powder]

he needs 80% of time in his goals, 20% he can afford in relationship.

u just need him 80% of the time.

u met him during his 20% free-time and both of u needed the 100% drama at that point so ended up both crying.

trust me, he's back to the 80% life of goals...

u're still at that 80% need for him.

i have absolutely no idea what u mean by commit. becos as far as i see, u want to be together in a totally official/committal manner and he doesn't have the time for it.

why not u think of pple like Bill Gates/Jackie Chan and ask yourself if they have that much time for a 'relationship'. personally i dun even think brad pitt nor jolie have alot of time together... they have their own respective lives to carry on before/after being together... it's just that u assume they're together all the time.

your Idea of commitment is a Bigger problem than the commitment itself.

if u're independent, have your own life, your own set of frens etc... i Do think that u might have a higher chance of being in a relationship with him.

for pple who have alot of goals and are more high-powered. the last pple they'd enter a relationship with... is someone who seems to only have this ONE dimension in life to live for... which is scary.

if i enter a relationship, i will also pick girls who are not solely living to get attached, married and have kids. u MIGHT be giving off such vibes... it's like an insecticide - scares some men away.

 

[andrewoy]

kelly,
questions are meant to be answered. so its either he didnt wanna answer your question or he seriously do not know the answer. therefore, no point pushing/waiting for it. even if u get an answer out from him, how will u know thats the truth?

i always believe everything happens for a reason & everybody meet someone for a reason too. u may not realise it now but look back at your past r/s. u'll thank god u are no longer with him/her. moreover, u learnt/gained some experiences after every fall.

what u need now is to heal your wounds. many people thought only time can heal. well somehow its true but inorder to heal faster, u need time to pass faster too right? so, to make time pass faster, u need to be happy because when u're happy, time flies unknowingly...but how to be happy when you're trying to heal your wounds at this moment? ... laugh ... laughter is the easiest way among all to make you feel happy. grab hold of any opportunity to laugh & u'll be surprised that laughter can actually heal your wounds faster than time...

base on powder's analysis, your bf (or ex-bf) only have 20% of his time for you. so basically u only need to find something to do to replace that 20% which shouldn't be too much of a problem for you.

 

[kelly11]

dear all,
Thanks for your valuable advice and posts...

Powder: your posts in here and other threads did have a certain (postive) impact on me..Thanks, you did helped indirectly in pulling myself out of self-pity etc..I am getting on with life now though my heart still hurts at times when i think of him

Andrew: yeah i agree that laughter is a good medicine..but i sometimes find myself laughing so hard, yet deep down in a corner of my heart, i still feel pain...sigh, anyway, i am taking up yoga and going out more often with frenz to fill up the "20%" of that time

 

[powder]

hey kelly, am sure u'll pick yourself up along the way... fill up on the Other Aspects so that u dun get paralysed when relationship is down...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Before your bf came along you were doing well on your own. I am sure you will do just fine without him now. This may sound like a cliche but still true.

When I broke up with the ex-bf 7-8 months ago and after a period of grief I started to focus a lot on self-discovery and -development. There was and still is something to be done during my free time that I don't have idle time. In fact, I am feeling a bit short of time for all the things I am doing and want to do.

Anyway, who knows, the closure of this relationship might just take you closer to the next.

 

[panda_chua]

vivi la vida..live e life..
porque yo vale la pena...because we are worth it..

gals...do e things you love when u r single...
we do not have many months of youth to waste...
wats heartbroken...already gone...1 door close..another door open.

we are born to be pampered not to be heartbroken..

 

[andrewoy]

agree with panda & always remember the one who will make you cry, dont worth your love & the one who truly love u, will not wanna see u cry.

 

[miumiu_lynn]

kelly - pls dont force a man who is not ready to commit to commit!!
u will only walk into something which u will regret later

 

[happygirl7]

ya man, we can lead a happy life without a man. most importantly, we must love ourselves...

 

[dogtag73]

i always make my woman weep leh...gum dong ka lao bak sai, am i a batman too?