Whose fault?

denise80

Active Member
Okay here the story goes...I'll try to summarise...

My hub cooked for me while I'm at work..I returned home late only to see that my share of dinner was half-eaten by him. I was upset and asked why he ate my share. He said he didn't know if I'm coming home at all to eat since I'm so late. I reached home ard 7.30p.m. He didn't ask what time I'm going to be home and I guess he assumed that I'll be home around 7??

I feel upset because if you promise you'll cook for someone, you'll never eat their share assuming that he/she is not going to eat it! Precisely I came home late, I'm feeling famished. So when I questioned him why he ate my dinner, he said it's because I'm late and that he's not sure if I'm going to come back for dinner (tho I clearly told him I AM coming home for dinner in the same afternoon he asked me). Secondly, he said he's hungry. I rather he tells me truthfully about the second reason. The lst reason is crappy to me.

I don't know what's up with him and he said I do not appreciate that he cooks for me! Firstly, I've never requested him to cook! He likes cooking and happily does it. I appreciate his cooking and that's y I like to eat more and not to return home to see my half-eaten dinner!

Can someone tell me what is going wrong here? It's such a trivial matter and he feels upset and angry abt it for the past two days?

I told him it's our miscommunication and that both of us are at fault but apparently he's acting like a baby and hopes I would apologise. Duh?? By talking to him nicely, telling him that I appreciate his food and asking him out dun work at all. I don't know what the man is thinking now and what he wants me to do???

It's bad enough for me to have a full day of meeting at work and I have to come home to face all these. Is this roles reversal or what? As previously mentioned, he has more time than me at hand. Sigh...
 


simpleman

Active Member
He is just "sulking" because you are late.. nothing to do with the food. ha ha..

But 730pm... that is late? ha ha..

If my daughters are not home by 8pm, I would normally sms them if they are back for dinner.. and eat their share if they are not.. else it is into the fridge.

But u also funny. Come back no dinner - just cook instant noodle or order take-away.. no need to be upset.
 

denise80

Active Member
He knocks off as early as 4/5pm so to him 730 is late. Oh I was upset cos he ate my share and left me half of my dinner to eat. I was looking forward to his dinner and thus upset to see the leftovers. His pt is he cooked it so he could eat more, including my share especially since I'm late.
 

pink_sapphire

New Member
Hmm he jus wants u to pacify him a bit and he wants the attention maybe he has been feeling neglected... It's quite common that couples do funny things to get the attention
 

denise80

Active Member
I foresee that I would often work late. Dun think I can always pacify him. He needs to grow up I think.
 

blueprincess

New Member
Denise among all d sad stories n tis forum, i find it heartwarming to read tt ur hubby cooks for u.

Why not both of u cook together during tis weekend? Spending time in d kitchen w d man u love most is romantc n it also shows him tt u love wat he has been doing for u - cooking
happy.gif
 

denise80

Active Member
LoL...blueprincess, we've cooked for one another and cooked together before too. All these time, we don't have conflicts except this recent incident. I feel it's due to work and coming home late that he's reacting this way. He thinks it's not and says I don't appreciate his cooking (which I rem clearly telling him that it tastes really great tho I complained about the portions cos he ate my dinner - okay, sounds childish I know).
 

blueprincess

New Member
I see! Actually i think....cld ur hubby hav deliberately eaten ur share as he wanted to make his point tt he is unhappy u r home late?

Or he was really hungry tt da n so gave u a crappy reason when u questioned him
happy.gif


To make ur man happy again may b u can tell him more abt ur werk, including why u need to work late...this shld pacify him abit.

Or give him more hugs n kisses after every meal to show him tt u appreciate his cooking?
 
My last time I cook was this Tuesday. Linguine Pasta with Italian Spicy Pork Sausage stirred fried. She thanked me for it and that was sufficient seeing food made by love one being appreciated.

Well, I believe his fuse for time was shorter than yours (impatient) and he felt sad and disappointed?

Just give him a kiss, thank him but let him know that you really had to work late. He'll understand.
 

denise80

Active Member
ehh I don't quite get it when u said 'his fuse for time was shorter than yours (impatient)'?

Anyway he finally blurted that if not that I've reached home by 7.30p.m., he would have finished up my entire dinner. That made it very clear that he was pissed by the fact that I came home late. And I think he felt guilty after blurting that out lol...tonight he cooked again and we made up.

Thanks for all your advice. I wished men (okay shouldn't generalise) would be more 'honest' in their answers. All I needed to know was what exactly made him eat half of my dinner - he's hungry or he's pissed off that I came home late. It's very clear now and in the future if he/I were to cook again, we would ask each other about the time (something which I've always been doing).
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
its not about whose fault. Rather, its just a cold war. Normally, both parties just waiting for the 1st one to give in or make up.

Denise, I would try to make up and not leave things beyond that day. Unless, I'm so low and out that I just don't feel like it. What's more important is after you guys make up, let him realize how much you cherish the relationship. Its bigger than personal pride. This is important for the relationship, sometimes u give, other times, u really not in the mood as well.

Give and take. If his pride is always in the way, then its a blocking point and something to reflect upon.
 

xiao_nu_ren

New Member
Deise80,

Honestly, after reading your post, I truly felt this was a trivial matter that both of you had made a big fuss out of. Both do have their mistakes. Kiss and make up will do.

You truly have a very sweet hubby whom will bother to cook for you. I am the cook of the house, despite being very (not up to heavily yet) pregnant, I still have to stand in front of the fire and cook for DH and my 2 DS.

There's a story that goes like this.

'Mrs Lim came back from the grocery store where she'd dropped by to top up her groceries after work. She was unpacking the groceries when her son ran in happily attempting to show her a drawing he'd just done, but happened to be knocked down by her accidently when she turned around suddenly to keep the eggs. The boy fell down on his buttocks while she dropped her tray of eggs. Ignorant to his painful cries, she blew up at the boy scolding him for his recklessness.... But then, the boy was just trying to show her the family picture he'd drawn. Hurt, the boy walked off forlornly while Mrs Lim continued unpacking her groceries.

However, while she unpacked, she started reflecting... When she was at the grocery store, she had also accidently knocked into another lady right in front of her. A complete stranger. Despite being so tired after long day of work, she still managed a weak smile and apologised nicely to the lady in front. If she can do that to a complete stranger, why not to her precious little one? Her own flesh and blood. Just because he's around all the time, she's taking him for granted????

Dropping down her packing immediately, she rushed to her son and hugged him tight while apologising to him for knocking him down unknowingly.

Morale of the story : It's so easy to take those people closest to us for granted. But we never failed to be nicer to a complete stranger. Why don't we relect on ourselves??

Denise80, for your part. Why not just take it that he's really hungry and just by chance, ate up more than he do usually... Isn't it such a blessing that you still can reach home and yet see him sitting down at the table, eating his dinner, with a healthy glow on his face? Or just that... He's right there?

As for your hubby side, it's for him to reflect... Maybe he could just be happy that you'd reached home safely... stand up and walk right up to you, giving you a hug and a kiss to welcome you home. It will feel much nicer isn't it?

Well, we won't stop learning until we're lying still inside the coffin. Treasure every moment in life, shall we??
 

denise80

Active Member
Milo, problem is...tho both r at fault, I tried making up on the day itself but he pushed the envelop by asking for an apology - duh.

He usually doesn't have 'ego' or 'pride'...don't really know what got into him. It's so funny that he looked guilty and embarrassed when he blurted out that he actually intended to finish up my share if I returned later than 7.30p.m.?!
 

blueprincess

New Member
Hi Denis glad u guys hav made up!
happy.gif


N let go ok....put it behind u
happy.gif


U hav a sweet hubby tt all d gals wld love to hav so b proud of him n urself!
happy.gif
 

denise80

Active Member
lol, thanks, blueprincess!
I'm proud of him certainly (better say so cos he might be reading wahaha...he saw my nick here just now!) :p
 

zizou

New Member
Aiyo... pls dun get angry over trivial matters. 7.30pm is not consider late and you are the envy of lots of women that ur hubby cooks for you.
 

cuclainne

New Member
when someone cooks for you, it's a privilege .. not a right. when i do cook at home, my children will remember to say thank you for cooking and that they enjoy it very much (i never teach them, came out of the blue).

there have been some occasions when i cook for myself and the kids, and we are done eating by the time the husband come back. usually i will let him know beforehand (he calls before leaving the office) that we don't have food at home for him so it's either he settle outside on his own or come home and fix his own food.

it's really a trivial matter and while i'm glad that you guys have made up, i don't think it will take much for the next cold war to erupt.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Denise,

SM is right. It's about you being late and not the food actually.

My parents gives me a lot of freedom and they never question me about timing as long as I reach home by 12am latest.

After marriage, I still have this thinking and got into a lot of conflicts with my hubby in our early marriage days.

Whenever I'm late, telephone calls would been all over the places even to my office! It was very embarrassing for my colleagues to take my hubby's calls.

Thus I now learn to be smarter, before my hubby can react negatively, I inform him I will reach at 6pm when in actual fact I will reach home at 5:30pm. So when he sees me reach home at 5:30pm, he is very happy to see me.

See... it takes so little to make a Man happy.

Solution :

You tell hubby you will reach home at 8pm instead.
When you reached home at 7:30pm, earlier than he expects, he will be very happy.

I know some of you may be laughing at my suggestions but sometimes Men are like little boys really. They like to kick up a big fuss over little things.
 

denise80

Active Member
Hi albee, thank u for ur sharing. I think my problem is I duno what time my long meeting will end. It sometimes end early at 6, sometimes as bad as 8. That day, I happily kept my phone at 630 thinking I could knock off whn my boss made me stay longer by saying that's not the end of the meeting and it was inappropriate for me to fish out my phone again to chk or text my hubby. I feel that spouses shld be more understanding towards each other whn it comes to work.

Oh I cook for my hubby too but he usually does it cos he has more time at home than me. Well, not sure if another cold war would break out again but y that 'prediction'? Btw we dun treat cooking each meal as a routine but as a form of appreciation for each other which was y I was upset to find my half eaten meal whn that dinner was specially cooked for me. Anyway he already confessed that he ate it cos he was upset that I was late.
 

powder

Active Member
i always felt it's better to marry a woman who doesn't cook. your role is reversed but this is precisely WHY.

and a guy who doesn't understand that somejobs go beyond normal timings... WOW. amazing...
 

denise80

Active Member
Lol. It's amazing how he doesn't understand my timing when he used to work long hours. Indeed, I feel our roles are reversed too. Seems like men and women have similar conflicts even whn roles are reversed.
 

powder

Active Member
i've always hated the waiting part of relatinships... particularly girls who have no goals in life and wanna revolve their life around me...

dun mind me, i just thought it's good to share some Ideals here, now that your problem is kinda arrested.

if either of u have careers beyond 8-5, avoid the cookers.

honestly, your fault is in flaring up. i didn't even wanna comment initially cos it does some kinda petty and ludicrous to quarrel over this matter.

buy some bread and banana and biscuits at home. if your meal isn't complete, these foodstuffs come in.
 

simpleman

Active Member
I don't think it is food per se.. it has nothing to do with the food - rather the unhappiness of wife coming late..

So couples have to set the correct expectations of their home coming time...

And they wife? Why so angry when there is no food left?
 

powder

Active Member
the food will be the trigger, the convenient reason.

well for me and u i think we know what's Beyond the food... but i have lost my faith in locals who can pick on the funniest 'triggers' to start a quarrel.
 

denise80

Active Member
sm, I'm not angry because no food is left...I'm upset because he ate my share stating that it's because I was late...and then later gave another excuse that it's because he felt hungry. I've told him later on that if it had been him feeling hungry, I wouldn't be upset at all. Afterall he cooked the food, not me. I was upset over the fact that I had a tough time working only to be accused of being 'late' (when I didn't even promise what time I'll be back?) and therefore deprived of the dinner he said he specially prepared for me.

powder, precisely you, me and everyone else realises it's not about food per se and therefore it's not funny that ppl (and not sure why you used locals here) picked on certain things to start a quarrel. As you've said, it's just a trigger but it doesn't mean it's trivial a matter. Underlying all these is a lot of communications about expectations and establishing a common understanding...which is why I disagreed with someone earlier that this is only likely to repeat and happen again. I think for mistakes to repeat and happen again - these are likely to happen to ppl who bear grudges or who are never enlightened. I'm not and neither is my hubby. We get over quickly and learn from our mistakes. When confronting a conflict, I prefer to speak how I truly feel but somehow from in incident, my hubby rather said something else to hide his true intention/unhappiness about something else. All these take communication to 'distill' what really had gone wrong and effort to remedy.

Maybe I'm fortunate here as some have aptly pointed out and that is, my problems as compared to many others here, are really minor. To those who really had serious marital problems, they would think that I'm fortunate enough that my hubby is home cooking for me after work and not elsewhere doing something else. Then again, if we do not communicate over the slightest diagreements in life, without a doubt, in the long run, the marriage might sour leading to more serious problems.

Yea, I do acknowledge my fault as well for flaring up which was why I tried to 'remedy' later tho I truly felt both parties are at fault. He didn't take to it well and goad me further by asking me to apologise which further created dissension. Interesting discovery of men before and after marriage. I remember being the petty and unreasonable one before marriage..now seems like our roles have swapped?

Anyway I'm a happy wife tonight. He texted me earlier in the day to ask what time I would get home, cooked dinner for me...and washed the dishes (usually I would do it since he cooks..we have a form of shared partnership in chores) cos I have work to do after dinner.
happy.gif
 

denise80

Active Member
Hi tingyi, thks. I actually learn (still learning) to play the dual roles overtime. Somehow I dun bring frustrations fr work to hm and even if I do, I would talk abt it to my hb. He does the same too.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Me too, I recently have a good talk with my hb too, he did admitted that he's stress at work and that's y he's cranky at home.

After the talk, he say he will not bring work mood to home and try to relax more and things are improving, so far so good.

It's all about non stop communicating, being patience, tolerance and understanding for each other ^^
 

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