Where to find my "someone"

[springleaf]

No doubt I have a failed marriage.. I still hope to meet someone who knows how to appreciate me, cherish marriage.

I did join those "matchmix" forum and I did meet up 2 guys whom I feel comfortable after sms/msn. however, seem like they are not really suitable.

Besides joining this kind of forum, is there other means to know more people?

My martial status is also a big problem.. I am legally married but in reality, I am not.. because our marriage turned out to be a failure 5-6 years back and he left 3 years ago. With such an "unclear" status, i wonder if anyone dare to start a relationship with me.

I want to divorce but then there is another set of problems I will face.. Sigh.

 

[cuclainne]

isn't it better to start anew on a clean slate than to bring baggage to a new relationship?

 

[pink_sapphire]

consider dating agencies ?

they organise activites thus u can spend your time enjoying yourself at the same time getting to know new ppl ?

 

[sgbabydoll]

It largely depends on your views of status.

For me, I have no plans to get married again, so status is not important. that is why I have no issue that my bf is separated but not divorced. Of course I have taken time to be sure that he is indeed separated, not just self-proclaimed so.

I don't know if he would ever get a divorce, but it doesn't bother me. Honestly, I can't imagine myself taking a stab at marriage again being out of it not too long ago.

I have not a doubt that marriage life is fulfilling but I also come to believe that it is the quality of our close relationships that makes us feel fulfilled. So, one of these close relationships that I have need not be in the form of a marriage as long as it is a quality relationship.

 

[lost_n_sad]

Hi doLL,
My husband go around telling all women he is legally separated since 2 years ago. But he is still living with me. And have a mistress that have a daughter that is 14th month old.

Then June this year he bought a new pair of wedding band with another woman.

And if i am not wrong he is dating another woman now. So now on hand he have 4 women to handle.

 

[springleaf]

giveup, wow.. your man really knows how to handle women.. How can he manage 4 at the same time, guess he must be earning a lot.

I of cos dying to have a clean cut with this man.. but then, I wil have no place to stay if I sell my current house. I dont' earn much or have any savings.

Anyway, I did go for those outings meant for singles.. but then after that, i did not really follow up nor the guys..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Give-up, thanks for cautioning me. I look at behaviour and action when it comes to getting to know a person, and I give myself a lot of time to get to know a person slowly. Basically, honey-coated words don't work on me.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Springleaf, think it would be more fun and enjoyable to just get to know more people, instead of going out there with such a specific goal as to find a partner. When each new person you meet turns out not to be the one suitable, you feel disappointed or frustrated. Like that life can be hard.

 

[springleaf]

Thanks doLL.

If anyone want to be friends with me, do drop me a PM.. I really hope to widen my circle instead of dwell over the past

 

[tomasulu]

you want someone who 'cherish marriage' and someone who doesn't care he is dating a married woman?

 

[springleaf]

Doesn't mind my current status but at the same time, doesn't mind to have a new family with me if my issue is settled

 

[tomasulu]

just my opinion. as long as you are legally married, you'll likely attract just players.

 

[powder]

springleaf,

u are staying in the marriage becos of a house? wat abt parents' home?

if u're took broke to stay on your own, what are u actually seeking for? it's actually very impt for ladies to be self-sufficient nowadays, especially for basic shelter and food.

this part very hard to have a guy come and rescue u, when u're Not ready to be rescued...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Springleaf, having a second chance at love, it is more important for us to find someone who's worthy of our trust and affection, than to find just someone to be with, right? So, don't be anxious. It definitely takes time to find a worthy person and more time to recognise him/her.

 

[springleaf]

powder, yes.. cos of the house, i have no choice to stay in this marriage. I have to.. because few yrs back, he used my name to get bank loan and he has stopped paying 2 years ago. My two rooms are rented out to payoff this loan plus i have to used my hard-earn money.

So if to sell the house, where to get extra income to settle this loan.. plus i need to fork up another amt for rental?

doLL, once bitten, twice shy, i won't let myself sink into another relationship with a lousy man. In fact, I do have some phobia meeting guys... because there is a fear that i may fall in love with another jerk.

Actually I am happy to be alone.. but at times, i pity myself in the sense that, when I'm happy, sad, no one there to share. Wkend, public holiday, I will shop alone.. No doubt i do have friends.. but at our age.. most of them are busy to prepare for their marriages or busy taking care of babies.. They won't really bother about me.

 

[simpleman]

springleaf,

Find friends.. not necessary a partner in that sense

Friends have no age limit.. at any age we can find friends.. well if you happen to meet me you will understand what I mean.. cos I am not exactly young

So for second chance at love - leave it till you really find someone right. Now with the experience, you should be better at sifting out the rubbish... don't let "love at first sight" or "affection" cloud our judgement..

 

[powder]

springleaf,

what do u mean by no choice but to stay in this marriage? Have u explored it yet? Have u tried? have u done your research?

the current market should allow u to sell your property and have the loan covered, unless u bought super-duper high... else u Should be able to sell your house and payoff the loan.

would your parents be available to provide a room for u? else would u be able to put their name in the house instead?

what happened to your husband? are u not able to divorce him and keep the house?

honestly, i think u have to CUT away your marriage if u wanna proceed anywhere at all.

otherwise i can tell u - your story will roll on this way for awhile and nothing will ever change...

 

[springleaf]

My is an EM. I bought around $407K last time with 30years loan 8yrs back.

Even I sell the hse, i don't think I will be able to get any cash. If I can pay off the debts using "profit" of selling the hse, Future rental will be a problem

Unable to move to my mum's hse as we are not in good terms

 

[powder]

u know... Life is such - u have to correct some mistakes IF u made those mistakes... u have to address the decisions u made that are not great ones... u have to undo some things, before u can move ahead, and not just keep trying to do more and more without solving some of the root-causes.

certainly i believe u can find someone, but even after finding this someone, how can u move forward, Can u move forward? and by that time u will have another set of problems and a new set of heartache... and If that someone is unwilling to wait for u to Solve everything u should be solving NOW, then what?

of cos if u're dating a married man or someone who is purely there for companionship, perhaps it might be easier. BUT if u're expecting love to develop, the emotional aspects will definitely be there and u will soon find that both of u wanna be physically together - but can't. then u'll be playing out a tv serial until both of u are old and full of regrets...

and if u look back, u find that u're basically screwed becos of a house. how fcuked up is that? money is something that we can earn... u are giving up on everything And u still want this thing... u have to take action to do something instead of letting things stay as they are and Hoping for something good to happen. u have to do this by yourself, for yourself and for your future.

 

[powder]

springleaf,

just saw your last post. ok let's go step by step... EM is executive maisonette?

1. goto http://services2.hdb.gov.sg/webapp/BB33RTIS/BB33PReslTrans.jsp and find out what are the latest transactions for your house. Take the average amount or the one closest to your unit/block.

2. check what is current outstanding loan for your house with the bank. i believe it'll be the full settlement amount.

3. find out wat's the Difference and how much cash will that leave u, and how much CPF u will have returned back with accrued interest. pls include the amount your husband will receive.

4. use that same website to find 3room flat prices in same area or areas u might wanan shift to.

5. look at your remaining CPF to determine if u can afford a new place, OR explore shifting back to your parents'.

good terms or not, parents are parents and that Avenue Should be explored without thinking too much of what happened in the past. If really cannot then go back to exploring selling your EM for a 3rm flat.

i have come across pple unwilling to part with their houses - and thus they are also unwilling to start a new life. i think some of these frens will end up like those old men old women we seeh in the news... die liao nobody knows and nobody notices...

i hope u think hard abt starting a new life... and perhaps finding renewed interest and passion. Or perhaps u are, just that i have misunderstood... anyway continue your search. i'm just addressing problems that might popup in the future...

 

[duckyholic]

but i think since springleaf is less than 35 of age, can she sell the current EM now and buy a 3 room flat under her own name ?

I dun tink she can join with her parent name etc since i believe they already had one HDB under their own name alreay

thus i guess for now after selling e house, e only option available is to rent a room or to go back to parent place . rent a room not so near to town should cost around $400 if i m not wrong

No matter what , u must move, this cant go on if you still have the house tie under u and your ex

 

[powder]

of cos assuming close to 35 soon, since her EM 8yrs liao and not many couples in early 20s can start with an EM......

 

[springleaf]

Still another 3 more years to reach age 35. We bought an EM that time because it was under valuation.

Anyway, now he is jobless and very soon, i think i will have to settle the monthly house loan myself. Right now.. I think he has disappeared.. change his mobile number and no reply when i email him. I don't know any of his frds or where is parents is staying either.

He did mention that he has the urge to commit suicede cos of his snowrolling debts.. I just hope that his creditors won't come after me if he really die.

Frankly speaking, i will not shed any tear if he really gone. Such a person doesn't deserve at all. His parents, siblings did help him to settle over $100K debts few years back.. My brother has helped around $40K and now there is left around $20K under my name.. Few mths ago, heard that he himself incurred another new debts closed to 100K again !!!

I used to work 3 jobs to help him on his debts cos he was my husband.. In the end, he decided to give up this marriage because he said seeing me working non-stop make him feel useless.

Few mths mth before he left me, I found a letter from hotel saying that he took mineral bottle and forget to settle the payment.. My godness !! Fancy has the $$ to go hotel. I confronted him and he said he need to release stress and is just one night stand.

He left the day the day before my operation. I was alone in the hse with no one to take care when i was on 1 mth leave. I only ate bread daily. I did not tell my parents abt my operation because my dad got cancer during that period.

 

[duckyholic]

is he a gambler ? then how he keep on incurring the debts ? ? and you actually marry someone whom you dunno where his parent stay ? that sound pretty unbelievable ? he sure has a lot to hide from you

I think you should be able to make quite a hevy profit if you had bought the EM under valuation 8 years back , try to ask around and work out the sums too.

If a HB left home n disappear for a certain period of time, i tink you can file for divorce on yourself ...something like that ...check it out at those family service centre where they offer free advise

most importantly, you have to start push yourself to get out of the whole mess and start life anew, you r only 32, you still have a whole life ahead of you ...

I knew of a collegue who marry her 1st bf after pak tor more than 10 years,,, ,,thus she assume that she knew him inside out already after so many years.. not long after they got married, the HB had an affairs with his stock broker and they even gang up to cheat her to open a trading account using her name to trade contra and in e end, they made a huge loss of more than 200k ....e hb dun have to bear the loss since is all under her name, and suddenly 1 day, someone just called her up to ask her to pay up

Just like you, the HB disappear and hide and she had to pay e debts, she also work 2 jobs and with some help from e family here n there, she manage to pay up after 4 years++ of instalment and meanwhile she file for divorce and sold e house

She had a mental breakdown and was feeling very unstable that time, how can someone she knew more than 10 years can suddenly turn into someone that she totally cant recognise ...moreover had to suddenly bear the debts that she unknowingly incur ??

later , she start a new life after the debt payment and enrol herself into a MBA course and met a new guy there,,,everything was so smooth after that in e next reln and they got married 1 yr later and had 2 beautiful kids now and she just seem so bliss and happi now .. BTW she is 39 this yr.

thus, if you lack the courage to settle your outstanding issue now, even prince charming appear next, you might not be able to grab your new happinness ......get up and start moving now ..

 

[springleaf]

duckyholic, thank you for your advise.. Deep in my heart, i will want to end this marriage of cos.. but as i have mentioned.. with the debts i have to settle.. I can't afford a rental room

I only met his parents and sibling less than 5 times. He moved out when he was in NS and seldom contact them. I know which area his parent is staying but not sure abt the block.

He denied he was a gambler. He gambled cos he wanted to settle his previous debt fast.. but seemed like the debts been piling out. He bought shares, bet on soccer, 4D, toto.. Very scary actually. If I tried to try to him, he will be very pissed and yelled at me.. causing him bad luck to lose.

Anyway.. I'm now leading a happier life without him and not to worry daily if there will be new debt occur. I feel that even for my current status, if I can meet someone who can understand my situation, guess should be a problem.

Is not that i wan to hang on this marriage and yet want to start a relationship. I just hope to meet someone who actually can give me support, someone i can feel being I'm being loved, taking care of.. Then i will have the will to end everything with that jerk

 

[powder]

like that we all hold hands and hope together ah?

ducky is rite u know, if u bought undervalued, there should be at least 200k somewhere in there. just worry tat he will try to get his hands on it... anyway u HAVE TO find out your options to leave the marriage. desertion is a viable option...

All i'm asking of u... is to Get To Know your options first... can?

 

[alcifertoh]

You can learn how to love yourself first, before someone come along to start loving you and take care of you.

Staying on the same spot just gaurantee another day of similar pain. Even if you feel happier now, you never know when another loan is gonna crawl up on you.

Time is running out and the loan of EM is going to be on your face soon. You can find out for any public financial assistance scheme and if you do qualify for that. I had came across from a friend regarding some cheap rental assistance provided for singaporeans which you pay about $50/month for a one room rental. She lost her parents and it's some public assistance scheme for those in need. It was also in the papers lately that there's some communal bunking which you stay with other families under a same roof sharing the rent.

Example of one assistance that you can approach, Star Shelters. Set up by our late President Ong Teng Cheong.

"Residences at the shelter were a good mix of all races including foreign wives with Singaporean children and most of them were from the lower income group – unable to find shelter when they leave their abusive relationship. All the residences at the shelter are referred by the Family Court, The Family Service Centres, the Police, Hospitals or other Agencies who run crisis helplines, e.g. the Samaritans of Singapore, AWARE and PAVE"

http://scwo.org.sg/wp/?page_id=93

You can contact the above organisations for information. They also have programs and rebuilding assistance that assist you on your path.

Of course before you go into these, speak to your parents first.

You need to severe the ties with him and your current limbo.

And then, you move on from there, start afresh and build everything up all over. Waiting and hoping gets you nowhere. You have to go for it.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Yes, desertion of two consecutive years is one of the options on which a divorce can be filed by one party, and in the absence of the respondent the Court would grant the permission to divorce. However, the petitioner must prove he/she has put in sufficient effort to locate the spouse who's left. Don't worry about how to show proof because you could be easily guided by a lawyer to satisfy a list of attempts to locate the spouse.

 

[otelle]

I believe in marriage though there are so many divorces around us. Having waited for so many years, i am still single. I wonder when fate will appear in my life... its so difficult to find that "someone"when everyone is just busy with their career in order to earn a living... hai...

 

[carrot_carrot]

Otelle,

Aren't you married?
http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/808119.html?1228502083#POST3261596
'Later on, i met my now hb, i give him whatever he wanted during our courtship days, within 6 mths, marriage talks are on the table.'

 

[sgbabydoll]

"I just hope to meet someone who actually can give me support, someone i can feel being I'm being loved, taking care of.. Then i will have the will to end everything with that jerk."

Hi Springleaf, if you want to end your marriage, you end it for yourself, not for someone else. If after all that your husband has done is not enough reason for you to end the marriage, how would anyone be able to make you end it? What does he have to do, move mountains for you?

You need to stop living on romantic notions. Be realistic, please.

 

[simpleman]

waiting for someone with a house to take her in so that she can sell and settle her debts?

I don't know. I feel she should settle her marriage and house and debts first.

Otherwise, when a good man arrives, she may miss the boat..

 

[alcifertoh]

Cannot wait to be bailed out of the situation. Have to help yourself first.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Springleaf, this victim mentality won't work for you. It doesn't make you anyone feel comfortable to be around you. You may be the bigger victim in the marriage but if you continue to allow yourself to be one, then you do have a part in victimising yourself. Don't you even feel tired of staying a victim?

 

[caring]

This is really a sad encounter... Take care Springleaf..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Springleaf, remember that healing changes the intended outcome of the damage you have suffered. I wish you desire it as much as some of us did and do.

 

[muzik_luver]

Plenty of sound advices have been given here.

To echo what some have said, i think it should be TS's priority to solve the debt as well as marital status problem 1st before even thinking of meeting someone new. Staying in the status quo is the last thing that TS ought to be doing.

The current predicament that TS is in will only be a stumbling block to better days ahead. Once the problems on hand have been settled, i believe the chances of TS meeting the right new guy would be much higher.

Would just like to tell TS this:
Muster all your courage and take that step towards a happier future.